Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Learn Something From Nothing, You Will. Hmmmm!

Whenever Alaskaboy and I talk about his job, we end up in an argument. Every. Single. Time. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes the argument can be something as simple as short terse words snapped at each other to end the conversation. Other times it's a full on blow up raging "Discussion" that seemingly lasts for drawn out amounts of eternity!

Six days ago I made the decision to no longer binge, on anything. Because my life was a bit like a trip into the Dark Side, to paraphrase the sagacious one, Yoda, "Healthy Diet leads to Emotions. Emotions lead to Anxiety. Anxiety leads to BINGING!" So, I've started colouring in little rectangles on a piece of paper again, like when I was successfully counting gym attendance. Weight watchers was working a treat...until the cycle continued. I wouldn't binge on food, I'd binge on t.v./movies, books, the internet, etc. My sleep cycle would get all out of whack and then I'd start eating to compensate for the lack of energy and eventually it became a free for all that Nero would have been proud to witness.

It's been six days since I've binged on anything at all. And oh my god, do I have time to DO things! And energy to do stuff! My sleep hasn't improved any, thanks to good ol' sleep apnea, but everything else has improved. My relationships, energy levels, and duh..duh.. DUHHH! My self awareness.

By filling my empty spaces with nothing rather than everything and anything, I learned something.

Two days into my binge free life, I had a clanger of an argument with Alaskaboy. Literally two days. I started on the 20th and the evening of the 21st we were into this huge fight about his work. There are issues of his own that contribute to these arguments, but I can only help the army that's fighting my battles, and oh how I believed my cause to be Just. Not only was I fighting for the Virtue of My One True Love's Happiness, but I was Righteous in my Wrath about his inability to See the Light of Truth that beamed forth from my army's glorious massiveness. So deep was my belief in myself and my cause that I accused him of everything Believers accuse Non-Believers of then I erected the truce flag bearing the universal signal I'm Sick Of This Shit and You're Nothing But An Idiot: aka a giant raspberry giving every one two middle finger salutes, thus leaving the battlefield a smoking hell hole in the midst of our marriage.

About twenty minutes later, as I sat out in the loungeroom, fuming, I looked up to realise there was a  creature dancing the electric boogaloo on that smoking minefield. No, Low Self Esteem Demon was vanquished long ago, this was a a breed of creature I was unable to recognise, because as far as I knew, I'd never been subjected to its rule before.

Sure I'd felt envy of friends who achieved great things, or jealous in a friendly or joking way, but that was mostly tinged with happiness for them and their efforts. I' been paranoid that my teenage Great Love Affair had been cheating on me and jealous of any female he looked at, and rightly so as it turned, but even that paled in comparison to what I realised I now had to contend with.

She was horrid, her great green eyes blazed forth across the battlefield, claws bloody red, gobbets of saliva dripping from her putrescent maw as she slavered over the feast I'd just provided her. Sickly pale hair hung in greasy hanks from rent patches in her hide which was the colour of pus. Then her green green gaze focused on my eyes, and bathed my world in a brighter green than any that ever shone forth from any Lantern's ring. By this alone I suddenly knew her name: Jealousy. And that Green Glow highlighted All That Was Wrong and made me offer humble apology to my husband because it was my jealousy at his ability to work at any job he chose that was causing ym frustration with his inability to leave the rut he'd dug himself and choose a career that would bring him all the joy that I'd been Righteously demanding he achieve. Because he is so very unaware at how much he takes for granted that he has the ability to do that. I would give so very much to be Able, not Disabled.

My Green-Eyed Jealousy Monster lives on, but I am aware of her now, and I must seek a way to vanquish the actual foe, and conversations with my husband can now focus on what's really making me angry, instead of it being All His Fault.

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