Monday, July 08, 2013

I'm an active MSer!

The last time this happened, I Freaked. The. Fuck. Out.
Last time this happened, I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that Something. Was. Not. Right.
Last time this happened, I had a husband who was gone 12-14 hours per day, and a young baby.
Last time this happened, we were isolated.
Last time I didn't have a doctor.

This time, I Can. Name. My. Emotions. And. Am. Feeling. Them.
This time, I know it could be a flare up exacerbated by sickness and over-exercising, or it could be a relapse.
This time, my husband works part time, and our daughter is old enough to do some stuff by herself.
This time, we've got a social network to help.
This time I have a doctor.

Last week I had a fantastic week.
The gym I'd joined finished their renovations and I was able to start working out again. I worked out three days. On one of those days we were running late to pick up Kiddlywink, so I power-walked for 20mins (Alaskaboy walked slightly faster than normal speed), to get to her daycare. Another day, in between workout days, I walked a big gully near our place.
On Saturday it was the last day I worked out, plus ran errands, plus cooked up a Korean feast for all seven of us. My brother is back home after a three month European vacation, and I volunteered to cook Korean for him to try. (We all already love it.) He also helped with some of the prep, and I opted out of the washing up.
Sunday I'd planned to go for a walk while having a day out and about on public transport with Kiddlywink and Alaskaboy. Except my body said, "STOP!" I spent several hours napping on the couch.
I hoped that the weird sensations I was getting were because I'd overworked myself and was exhausted.
Today they're still there, so I called to notify my doctor.
He's on annual leave and his secretary has made a note that I've called. She said about the only thing he would do is suggest I get a new MRI and come in for a review...both of which are already due to happen this month anyway.

So, this week, I play the waiting game. Is it a flare up? Is it a relapse? Are my meds still working? Was it emotional stress that caused this, from Kiddlywink being bitten by a dog last month? Was it physical stress from two colds in a row? Was it physical stress from over doing stuff?
I don't know.
But I do know that whatever happens, or whatever caused it, I'll deal with it.
I have the tools and the support network in place. I have the knowledge to know what's happening this time. Those two things are making a big difference.
Yes, I have cried. And I will cry some more. Yes, I have raged. Yes, I am fearful. But, I have hope. I'm still here. I'm still alive. I still have so much better disability scores than so many people. I love and I AM loved.

What really hits me in the gut is that while I'm in remission I can pretend I'm normal. That enough exercising, dieting, injections, and positive thinking will keep the relapses at bay. That I don't have to be aware of my energy reserves or spend them wisely. Then BLAM, my body reminds me that I AM a person with an illness. That I have a invisible disability.

So, I'm not quitting exercising, I'm simply going to go slower and work my way up to 5 sessions of half an hour per week. I'm obviously not ready for that yet. I got excited. I got ahead of myself. I got impatient. Because I've been exercising for 3 days most weeks I assumed I could go to 4-5. Nope. 2-4 is still the best for me.
I'm still excited to work out. I'm still excited no matter what happens.
Because of this website...Active Msers I know, that no matter how my disease progresses, there are still ways to stay active and lead a full, joyful life.

1 Nibbles:

Shauna said...

Good on you comrade for such courage and kindness to yourself! xxox