Friday, March 25, 2011

It's been awhile!

I've got a lot to talk about. So very much to talk about that I'm squeezed and jammed and crammed as full as can be, just like the overloaded Nickle Nackle Tree. For the last few months I've resembled a wounded animal in a trap; I alternate bouts of flailing about wildly with fits of staring blankly into nothingness(well in my case the t.v.) which is all accompanied by shoving way too much into my mouth.

I haven't even been able to write the words to tell you. Four months it's taken me just to be able to summon the courage to write this post. But something has to give. I have to take steps to deal with this. I had gone to see a shrink the other week, but then somehow she ended up in hospital after we had one session. That sent me back into another wallow of frustrated depression.

Talking to my sister-in-law this week she told me about a book she was reading aout how to deal with highly sensitive people, DuoLoq and BeeMaN are both highly sensitive people, and after taking the test on the website I realised I am too. So, I'm going to go to the library and borrow it and see how I relate to it. Hopefully it'll give me some hints on how to help me cope with overwhelming situations.

Because at the moment I'm pretty overwhelmed. I'm feeling so much fear and rage--plus some emotions I don't even know how to describe yet--and I know that only the tip of my emotional iceberg is exposed. I'm scared of how I feel. I'm scared of what the future might hold. I'm scared of EVERYthing lately. I feel cheated. I feel adrift. I feel afraid to hope that the medication I'll have to take will work. I'm afraid of having to give myself a daily injection. I'm angry that the best thing they can do, even with modern medicine, is only slow this thing down. It's been a big realisation to understand we have NO local support. And from what I can gather, when you have MS you're gonna need a good support network. I've signed up for the MS Society and the ball is slowly rolling with that kind of support.

Yep, that's right, what I haven't been able to say, let alone start to deal with, until now, is that I have Multiple Sclerosis.

Sorry, that's all for now. I'll be back soon as I know that writing about things is definitely part of helping me deal with it. Taking a leaf out of Shauna's book, I'll probably start doing some private journal writing also. The old fashioned way with pen and paper because some stuff is just too raw for me to think about as I write it, let alone for anyone else to read it.