Friday, May 09, 2008

On a more positive note....

Here's my victories so far this week.

I'd been at Borders, studying for several hours. While there, I had a small hot chocolate, a donut and a peppermint tea, when I felt like them. Because I forgot to say No Whipped Cream when ordering, I had to ask the girl to scrape off the whipped cream, when I got to the counter. WHY do they insist on whipped cream on a hot chocolate, as standard?! Did compliment her on how pretty it looked, and felt the need to explain I'm from a country where they don't DO that whipped cream thing. (Perhaps hoping to mitigate my arseholeness for saying Off With The Hot Chocolate's Head?)

On the way home, I was feeling kinda hungry, and the only two drive-thrus that were open were McDonald's and El Pollo Loco. I swung into El Pollo Loco, assuming they'd have SOMEthing I could eat. And they did!

I ordered a large garden salad, with thousand island dressing, a large fries, and a small coleslaw. Hooray for veggies, right? Wrong. I REALLY wanted rotisserie chicken. Have been wanting it for several weeks now. But, I can't have it. There's nowhere that cooks certified organic rotisserie chicken.

By the time the line dribbled around to the car in front of me, I knew I was only buying the food because it was something to buy. I admit I welled up with tears of anger and self pity as I watched the cashier hand through two bags worth of chicken-containing dishes. (Funny thing is the only time I've tried El Pollo Loco, I didn't like it because it was too dry.)

Wiping my tears away, I got myself under control. The woman had her mouth open to tell me the cost of my meal as I pulled up to the window, and her expression changed to a frown as I said, "Thanks, but I've changed my mind. I don't want the meal." She continued frowning at me as she said, "Okay." And I drove away.

I knew that they'd be unhappy with me. I knew I'd look silly. I knew I'd wasted all of our time and effort. But I said "No Thanks" anyway!

Arriving home, the first time in several years that he's beaten me home from work and Alaskaboy greets me at the door with, "Did you collect the mail?, and we'll need to swap the cars for tomorrow."(He only borrows my more fuel efficient car on days he's working a fair distance from home.)

I stormed back down to the cars. Swapped them around with him then grabbed the mail off the front seat from where I'd left it, and shoved the letters into his hands. Dodging his attempt at a smile, and possibly a kiss, I said, "There's your mail." in an angry tone of voice, and kept walking.

He called out, "What's wrong?"
I responded with something dramatically sarcastic along the lines of, "It's the mail you want, isn't it? So you got it!"

Back up in the apartment, no longer even the slightly peckish I was earlier, I sat on the couch and read a book. No way was I broaching the subject, or making it any easier for him. It took him about 10-15 minutes, but eventually he came out from the office, where he did some budget stuff while thinking it through, gave me a hug and said, "Welcome home."

And THAT is what happens when I express my emotions. The issue comes to a head straight away, no stewing for days or weeks and no binging.

All the talking we did one night last week about the myriad of tiny ways he(and others) makes me feel unloved, and how it builds up over the years, was perfectly illustrated that night. Alaskaboy finally understood how something as simple as forgetting to make a person feel welcomed when they come home, can seriously fuck them up emotionally. (As I sobbed to him on the couch, Where was MY "Yay, Mummy's home!"?)

He was proud of me for expressing my anger, and for not leading him by the hand through the reasons why I was angry.
I was proud of him for figuring it out and knowing what to say to help start mending the problem.

The next night, he rushed in the door, swooped down on me, gave me an extravagant kiss and said, "Welcome home." Sarcastic bitch, isn't he? To be fair the following night after that I switched my welcome home to "Did you check the mail?" Less than a week and we're already joking about it. God that feels good! Previously, I would have leaned into that smile/kiss of his, pretended nothing was wrong, and blown up over something else much later, and slipped that instance in as well.

2 Nibbles:

Bill Wallace said...

I'm wondering of things like whipped cream is standard because that's what life is deemed to be these days ... obese! Healthy is now the optional extra! :)

Sad really.

It used to be you'd get the basic order and then have sides, these days the sides are normal and you have to ask for healthy! LOL
great post.


Kada said...

I'm thinking it's more to do with marketing a product. Piles of whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles and a biscuit straw, all sticking up several inches above the cup means it MUST be worth the dollars you're paying for it. Doesn't it? LOL

Yeah, its frustrating when healthy food not only costs more, but is the exception rather than the rule.