Thursday, May 22, 2008

I'm so angry, I could binge.

But, I wont.

Lately I've been feeling like a recluse. While not exactly happy to stay at home all day, every day, I haven't been keen to head on out into the big bad world either. I've been wanting to walk and to exercise, but somehow or other I end up going to bed at night thinking, Maybe I should go for a walk now. My brain and eyes are tired, but the rest of me really isn't. Nah, I'll do it tomorrow.

Three weeks later, tomorrow still hasn't come.

Yesterday, I had a Fat Day. Yes, you heard me, a Fat Day. I'd forgotten how awful those things truly are. And I used to feel like that almost constantly? HOLY SHIT! No wonder my self esteem and confidence were in the toilet. So, I acknowledged the fact of my fat freak out, and got on with my day. I ate intuitively; worked; even showered—a rare occurrence for a fat day.

As I was getting dressed to go to the post office, I looked in the mirror and figured out what was going on. I didn't want to go out because my clothes aren't fitting me properly, or at all. And because I don't want to go out and exercise, less and less of my clothes are fitting me as the weeks go by.

And how can I be feeling so much confidence in some areas, but lack complete confidence in my physical strength and abilities?

Arrgh. Two Catch-22s.

This time last year, when we moved house, I threw out all of my clothes that were too big, and most of the clothes that were too small. Physically, I was the fittest I've been in quite awhile. Therefore my body was toned enough to fit comfortably into the new summer clothes I'd bought for myself. Over the USA winter and AUS summer, my body was still slim due to the bout of antibiotic-induced anorexia. Physically, my body composition was more fat, but I'd lost a shit load of “weight” so could keep wearing those clothes.

Logically, I know why my body is so much fatter than it was, but emotionally I'm resenting the hell out of it. I've worked so hard these past two years to sort out most of my emotional and mental crap. So in that particular way I'm healthier than I've been in over a decade. Physically, I'm fat. And not in a good way. I really didn't mind being fat when I was still fit. I felt strong and empowered. Don't mess with me, I'm strong, I'm woman, I'll knock ya bloody block off! Reading all the fat acceptance websites that I have been lately, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere at the moment. FA movement promotes exactly how I was feeling last year.

And yet, how I'm currently feeling is SO bad, that I have trouble looking myself in the eye in the mirror.

God, I can't believe I just admitted that. She, who's all about the positive affirmations and feel good about yourself, can't look herself in the eye! Well, I can, but I have to force myself to do it.

I'm so tired of starting over again. Infuriated that I have to buy new clothes AGAIN when I have a whole, fairly new, wardrobe that I cannot wear at the moment. I hate coming into summer dreading the heat. The last two years I've looked forward to summer, the only times in my adult life I've done so! Now, I don't know this body. I'm uncomfortable in it. I'm angry with it. I resent it. I even hate it.

No wonder I can't look myself in the face.

But, it gets worse.

Last night, I bit the bullet and went out and bought four pairs of thin pants. Two long-legged and two bermuda short length, hoping to fix the problem. I deserve clothes that fit and are comfortable to wear for the season, so I got clothes. And it bought back all my resentment of shopping. Because I've now gone back up into the size that takes me into Fatty Territory. The dreaded Land of Unnatural Fabrics. And I don't know about anyone else, but I prefer to wear cotton, especially in summer! Store people, pay attention! “I'm hot enough with the extra insulation on my body, and you want me to wear plastic that doesn't breathe? Fuck you!”

Oh? What's that? NOW I get it. If I wear this, it'll be like one of those fancy sauna suits, and I'll sweat off the pounds, finally making me worthy of shopping in your store. How selfish of me to want to rape so very many cotton plants just to make outfits that actually fit my unworthy self. You HAVE cotton pants in my size? Oh bless your equality-minded sel—Ahhh! I see. These are made ultra thin, so that my gigantic thighs rub together and tear holes in them so I have to come back and buy yet more of your over-priced shit. No, No, I promise I won't look at the “Normal” people racks just two feet to my left, where the nice sturdy 100% cotton workout clothes live. I know I don't deserve them, so I'll take these and run. Well, okay how about waddle?

Any wonder why I can't look myself in the eye this morning, even though I bought enough pants to fix the current problem?

P.S. I'm also very scared of getting back on the exercise horse. But, I'll cover that in another post.

1 Nibbles:

Erin said...

Oh Kada! I feel so much for you-I'm sitting here in the size bigger pants I went and bought yesterday so I could have black ones to wear to culinary school-the ones that I've been wearing for years just won't go on really. Anyway I don't mean to say I'm in the exact same situation but I see several similarities and I am not having fun with it. I hope that you are able to get sorted and to start exercise again, no matter what it is so that YOU feel better.