Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Addendum to yesterday's post.

If you haven't read yesterday's post, please do so before reading this.

When I was dieting, chocolate raisins was the one thing I never allowed myself to have. Sure I'd occasionally split a small box of raisinets with Alaskaboy at the movies. By occasionally, I mean very rarely, I think I had them maybe three times since moving here nearly four years ago. And only one of those was when I was counting calories, and I freaked out with the exercise for several days afterwards.

The reason I never allowed them is because they're the one thing I never trusted myself to stop at just a serving. I adore them, always have. I even love carob-covered raisins!

That is why I know how very important this week has been for me in my intuitive eating progress. I trusted myself to have a 3-point-something pound box of them in the house. We're talking a Costco-sized container of choc-covered raisins. Not only did I have them in the house, I gave myself permission to eat as many of them as my body could damn well want.

Another fistful? Go ahead m'dear. Here, perhaps a rice bowl would be an easier container to eat them out of, especially when writing. Just plunk it on the table beside the laptop, plop in those delicious morsels and have at it. There's plenty more where they came from!

At first I think my body disbelieved me, thus the near constant grazing on them. But as I continued to turn a blind eye (apart from the couple of moments where I started to fight the intuitive eating in panic, but dealt with the panic by writing out how I felt in blog posts, thus negating the actual need for the deed) to the increased swiftness with which I was shovelling in the yumness, my body began to trust me. It trusted that there would always be more choc-raisins if it so wished. Never again would I deny myself, or my body, what it truly desired at any given time.

Perhaps, because I'd done similar things in the past with other foods and it knew I would stick with what I was promising, that was why it didn't take as long as I thought it would. With some other foods it took much longer and larger quantities to believe that I really would not deprive myself of it any longer, the pipe dream was in fact reality. Popcorn? Nuts? Cheese? Those, took me months to realise and I'd eat and eat till it was all gone, and then eat some more. With the chocolate-covered raisins it took me less than a week, and I didn't eat the whole container. Even with Alaskaboy munching on them too, there's still approximately half a cup of them still in the container. Has been, untouched, since Saturday. But, if it had taken more, then more I would have eaten.

I'm guessing intuitive eating is a similar process to what people go through when they work at chocolate plants or other food places where they're allowed to eat as much of the product as they want, whilst they're on the premises. As much as you want, all day and every day, and soon enough it begins to lose its lustre. No longer is the mountains of gold, filthy lucre, it just becomes plain, old metal. With intuitive eating, food loses its magical properties of comfort and becomes simply delicious food.

P.S. Although, if you have allergies or sensitivities to certain foods, I'm guessing you shouldn't just go out and eat them whole hog just because you really want them. ;)


Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Wind Of Change.

"The wind of change blows straight
Into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring
The freedom bell for peace of mind"

That song by The Scorpions was playing as I wrote this post, and I found those words highly appropriate.

This has been one scary weekend with the intuitive eating. Weekend, that's rich. Who'm I kidding? It's been going on all week! Each meal, each bite of food, this week has been a fight to let my body carry on doing what it felt was necessary, despite what my logical side had to say about what I was consuming. 2lbs of chocolate raisins. 2 lbs people, in the one week! Beef nearly every single day. Hardly any vegetables, lots of cheese and carbs, plus chicken nuggets by the boatload. Let's not forget the ginormous glasses of gatorade when I dehydrated myself during the night, because I'd been cold and thought it was a bright idea to chuck a polyester throw over the doona that already had on a flannelette cover. So dehydrated in fact I had leg cramps. (which I have had only once or twice before in my life.)

Waking up and swearing some mongrel's having a bit o' your calf for a midnight snack hurts like a sonofabitch, lemme tell you!

My beef fetish, I eventually figured out was also related once again to that godawful antibiotic I was on for the UTI. Apparently anaemia is also another of the side effects it's possible to have. My poor bod was trying to cram in as much iron as it could before my period started. I'd just assumed I'd been pale due to lack of sunlight over the last month or so. Bwahahahaha.

This morning I woke up feeling half-human, made myself a decent breakfast, and then proceeded to go cross-eyed from fatigue sitting at the computer not even half an hour later. I pondered some apple juice, or tea, or something to help me stay awake because I was wanting to do some housework today. But, then I debated with myself that here I was ignoring what my body was telling me because I thought I shouldn't be having a nap just because I was already showered and dressed for the day.

A three hour nap later and there I was fully human again.

Watching the scales go haywire, eating like I'm pregnant with octuplets, tired yet suffering from insomnia, manic mood swings, fits of creativity followed by bouts of thinking the world hates me – these and more are what I've been going through. I had honestly forgotten just how bad life was pre-B6 tablets.

You have no idea how proud I am that I was able to eat intuitively this week. That I watched the scale go haywire and said, “bugger it, I could care less what you say!” is an achievement heretofore imagined as impossible whilst suffering PMS. The fact that I not only started, but have continued, my exercise streak whilst in the midst of this must be grounds for some sort of masochistic medal of honour.

For those of you out there struggling with intuitive eating, please keep going. Your body knows better than you what it wants sometimes. I am disappointed that I am back up to 228lbs as of this morning, but after the month I've had I'm just glad that it stayed under 230lbs. When I've gone off the rails like this in previous years the gain has been anywhere from 10-25lbs before I've been able to rein myself back in and get back to healthier eating. Each time that has happened I've fought my body every step of the way, or given in wholeheartedly to the idea of mindless eating.

This time I knowingly let my body dictate what was what. Even when my stomach said it was pleasantly comfy and happy, but despite my every attempt to consciously stop it, my hand reached out and cut off yet another hunk of beef, or ate another half handful of choc-raisins, I let go and accepted there was more going on here than met the eye. Even last night when I would have thought I was over the insane eating since I'd been bleeding for 24 hrs, there was still lessons to be learnt. At 10pm when I finished doing my exercise, I wondered why I had the shakes really badly and could not get warm. Thinking back over what I'd eaten for the day, the light bulb went on pretty damn quick. I felt like I'd been eating all day, so assumed I'd had dinner already. That assumption plus the huge cup of tea (appetite suppressant anyone?) that I'd had mid afternoon to combat the period headache almost caused me to faint when working out. (oh and the intensely painful period cramps. Blech.) I was starving! So desperate for food was I that I didn't have the time to make anything nutritious, I went with leftover vegetarian pizza from the freezer. (which was balanced anyway. Bread, vegetables and a protein)
I suffered indigestion during the wee hours this morning for it, but it was worth it to not fall flat on my face.

Today I had beef and veg stew for dinner, and hot fudge sauce on strawbs for dessert. Despite believing I couldn't possibly have wanted more beef or chocolate, my body was quite happy to ingest some today. The difference being that today my normal appetite was back. I left some stew, and didn't finish all of my dessert because my body was satisfied in every way.

I feel like a new woman. It's like I've play a game of russian roulette with the Low Self Esteem Demon and said, “yeah? I see your bullet, and stick another one in the gun!” I've taken the worst pms I've had in over ten years, on top of just recovering from a UTI, and STILL continued with intuitive eating and regular exercise. Life happens. Pms comes and goes, but if I continue eating intuitively, exercising regularly, it won't matter if I gain a few pounds in water weight, because it will come off eventually.

This is not some diet that I have to stick at for the short term and congratulate myself for losing x-amount of weight. This is my body I'm nurturing and my life I'm living. Can you imagine how good that feels to know, and know deep down in my bones, that I'm my own harbour and can weather any storm winds that the LSED, my hormones or my own negativity care to whip up?

So go on, I dare you, ring your own freedom bell and get those winds of change blowing through to sweep away any self doubts about your ability to live a life as strong and healthy as you desire.


Friday, January 26, 2007

Progress shots?

Should I take weekly, fortnightly or monthly progress photos for the sixteen week streak?


Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sixteen Week Streak!

16 weeks. Minimum of 45 minutes exercise per day. Can she do it?

Start Date: Wednesday 24th January

Finish Date: Tuesday 15th May

Start Clothing size US18W fits comfortably again. (sigh, stupid bloating!)

Initial goal clothing: Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans US size 14.(Aus 18)

Start Weight: 227 lbs

Start BMI: 40

Start Measurements (will do if Alaskaboy has time tonight, if not, on the weekend!)

28 Jan Day Five Reward: Foot massage from Alaskaboy

2 Feb Day Ten Reward: Picnic with Alaskaboy

6 Feb Wk Two Reward: My own set of ten lb adjustable leg weights

13 Feb Wk Three Reward: Buy a book

20 Feb Wk Four Reward: Alaskaboy cooks for a whole day

27 Feb Wk Five Reward: Make a pineapple cheesecake

6 Mar Wk Six Reward: Get a hair cut

13 Mar Wk Seven Reward: Dinner with friends.

20 Mar Wk Eight Reward: A new workout DVD

27 Mar Wk Nine Reward: Pamper day

3 Apr Wk Ten Reward: Manicure/Pedicure

10 Apr Wk Eleven Reward: Buy a book

17 Apr Wk Twelve Reward: Take a day trip somewhere with Alaskaboy

24 Apr Wk Thirteen Reward: New lingerie ROWR!

1 May Wk Fourteen Reward: Rollerblading or biking at the beach.

8 May Wk Fifteen Reward: Full body massage from Alaskaboy

15 May Wk Sixteen Reward: Dinner at Restaurant of my choice for our anniversary this year.

End Rewards: Initial reward: Buy a summer dress. Real Rewards(on Australia trip): Be allowed to go to Hanging Rock with family. Be allowed to see any of my friends.

The thing with Hanging Rock is I keep meaning to take Alaskaboy there every time we go to Australia. That, and Sovereign Hill. And so far we've yet to go! I've also yet to make it all the way to the top the dozens of times I've been there. I've made it all the way up the stair, up the next lot of incline to the big resting area that overlooks the race track, but there I always stopped. I never continued around to the left up the next bit of incline. Had too much fun clambering in amongst the rocks to be bothered going to the top. (Other more recent times I only just made it up the stairs and had to stop.) Now, my aunt and uncle live near there, so I'll just stay at their place whilst the rest of everyone trips off to have a great day there. I so want to see Alaskaboy and my in-laws as they climb that rock, or even see it, (wonder if you can still stop and do the car running back up the hill thing on Straws Ln?) probably not.

Oh, and if I don't complete this streak, due to anything other than a dire medical emergency, then I can't see any of my friends. At ALL! If I complete it, I can see as many as I can fit in on the trip. LOL

How's them apples for motivation or what?!

OOOh, wonder if I should show the the movie Picnic at Hanging Rock before, or after? ;)


I've had it!

Enough with the pms eating! I don't care if my hormones are wanting it, me and other parts of my body have had enough. Constipation last night, not bad, but enough that I know it's only gonna get worse. I'm bloated up the wazoo! Pale, wobbly, incredibly nauseated at 5:30 this morning and I'm wanting something other than crap. I want fruit, I want veggies, I want VARIETY. And no more bloody choc raisins! So, yes I'm eating against the grain today because I know intellectually that it's better for me.

And how am I s'posed to do a 16 week streak if I'm feeling like I am this morning? Grrr. (Am starting it today anyway, not letting the PMS win!)


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Kathryn's Challenge, Day 2.

Went and bought myself some girly books. Wanting to buy the third one at some point.
The Meg cabot book, I didn't realise was the second in a series, drat it! Will have to borrow the first from the library now.


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

That explains everytink, dahhhlinks!

I'd miscounted on the calendar. I thought I had until the end of the week, but PMS is in full flight at the moment. Definitely explains the blahness and the added insanity with my eating this last couple of days. If I had have counted properly I would have started taking B6 several days ago, not just this morning!

Grrrr! The UTI made me lose a week in my time sense. Buggerit I say!

The general malaise I've been feeling, plus the gorging on chocolate, cheese, meat, and carbs used to happen every four weeks without fail. Add in emotional swings that beat Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde hands down, and you can see why I'm usually so careful about keeping track.
At least this explains why my hand and mouth worked in concert to completely ignore everything my brain was telling them they should be eating today.

Wasn't feeling guilty or anything, just really confused as to why I was feeling so awful. So much more awful than what I would have expected to feel at this point in time. I know how motivated I was the other week for the New Moon challenge, and then diddlysquat! Well, confusion cleared and now I just gotta go into damage control to limit the amount of emotional backlash.

Perhaps it is the safest thing I've been doing, reading and eating. At least that way all I'm doing is making myself feel nauseous, I'm not spouting off utter tripe to anyone.

Sorry not too coherent tonight.

And yes the previous post to this still stands. I truly am keen on doing another streak, found that highly motivating last year. So ideas would be much appreciated!


Help Wanted!

I'm contemplating doing another streak. Again with the 40 minutes of exercise per day, but for sixteen weeks this time. Only problem is, I'm having trouble thinking up a suitable reward.

My massage I still haven't received because I don't know of any good reiki massueses around here. Am still looking though! I wants my massage!

Like last time there will be smaller weekly rewards to keep me going. But, I want the end reward to be sufficiently motivating to enable me to even seriously attempt the streak. I don't want it to break the bank however, as we're saving for a home. Not to mention the trip to Australia at the end of this year. (Yes we'll be in Melbourne during December/January if anyone's interested in meeting up at that point...)

Any ideas? Weekly rewards suggestions are also good.

EDIT: We have a winner folks! A friend suggested this: "If ya dont do ya 16 week streak...Im NOT gonna meet ya in MELBS." And I'm taking this suggestion and running with it, except with a slight modification. More in an upcoming post!


Gage accepted!

In Kathryn's post entitled, Weigh In - 75.8 kgs, from Monday 22nd January 2007, she states: "My goal for this week is to do something to make me feel good about myself every day."

I liked that idea, a lot. So I took up the challenge also.

Today, I wasn't feeling all that sleepy. I got up at 4:30am, made myself a large mug of chammomile tea and sat down to reply to some comments and do something I've been meaning to do for awhile. I made Tags. I didn't do them for every post yet, but I have made a good start on it. Yay me!


Sunday, January 21, 2007

Happy Weekend!

After yesterday's Lint Harvest I feel fabulous! No, better make that, FAB-U-LOUS!

Woke up this morning, nibbled on a few nuts, did aerobics, and now am off to do grocery shopping and chores. (Will get lunch whilst we're out.) I do apologise if yesterday's post was too much waffle (or too honest) for some, but it was necessary for my own peace of mind and continuation on this healthy journey. After all, it's my blog and I'll boohoo if I want to! ;)

Another exciting thing was to see the reports of rain in Victoria. Not so exciting about the flooding, but the rain, glorious rain, that fell from the sky! Here's hoping a goodly bit of it made its way into catchment areas or wherever else it was also needed. (Out, damned fires! Out, I say!)

Hope you're all having a wonderful, healthy weekend!


Saturday, January 20, 2007

Are You A Walker, Or A Talker?

Perhaps you're a bit of both? Most recently, I've been more of a talker. In fact, you could even say I've even been a bit of a hypocrite. Yeah, a hypocrite. Me! A painful thing to come to understand, really, but it's certainly the truth I've been living this last week and a half.

It hurt like blue blazes when on the phone with my mother yesterday her response to my reasoning as to why I'd gotten the UTI and bloating was something along the lines of, “Get over yourself. Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I'm sick of having the same conversations over and again with you.” I blustered and fumbled a little before admitting she was right. There were other more supportive things said, but that hard truth got me right in the gut.

Today as I was making lunch, (after a session of positive affirmations this morning, in which I admitted I'd been talking very negative to myself for several weeks now and freed myself from the need to continue doing so,) I thought back to the New Year's Eve church sermon we'd attended whilst visiting our friend. Now, I'm not religious, so even though admitting the sermon was very good, and talking with Alaskaboy and our friend about just what it meant for them as Christians, I pretty much ignored the sermon thereafter. Well, tried to, it did keep cropping up in random conversation, that's how good the sermon was! LOL

Basically, the pastor demonstrated the difference between Speaking It and Living It, (aka Talking it and Walking it.) where in his sermon “It” was Christianity. The It in the case of this post is good health. Now, if someone talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk, that makes them a hypocrite. Why should anyone listen to them if all they do is talk bullshit? Walking the walk alone, without talking the talk, that's also bad. In his sermon he equated this with; living as a Christian is all well and good, but you also have to spread the gospel on the off chance you could save another soul.

For weight loss intents and purposes, that was what this blog is s'posed to be about. Talking the talk, not only to help me on my own journey, but on the off chance that it could help or inspire others to live healthily as well, and possibly lose weight in doing so. Talking about my walk as it were. However, I've been so caught up in talking, that I haven't been walking.

How? Well lemme explain some of my recent hypocrisies.

Publicly talking about how much I detest the scales, in general, and love using my clothes as a guide.
Privately still obsessing over the number 220lbs / 100kgs and placing some huge mystical barrier on them that I must somehow pass.

Publicly loving this blog and my blogroll, both for the readers I receive and the reading I do.
Privately obsessing over whether my writing's any good and wondering why more people don't comment. Even being slightly jealous of those who have larger readerships!

Publicly spouting off about how well I'm doing and how wonderful I'm feeling, with the occasional slip up.
Privately, my inner drama queen and LSED are loving the wallowing in the “why do I always fail?” mentality. And are secretly afraid that I'm almost ready to do away with them altogether.

Publicly saying that I've been feeling my emotions instead of eating them.
Privately suppressing my grief over my great-aunt's death and fears for the continued good health of my remaining family members. (and I include in this the four-legged ones also.)

Publicly impressed with how I'm intuitively eating most of the time.
Subconsciously trying to sabotage myself and discount my efforts. (The weird eating I've been doing lately has been antibiotic related, and I have been eating intuitively, even though I've been telling myself I couldn't possibly have been.)

Publicly admitting that I'm a writer.
Petrified for the last three and a half months to revise my completed first draft or write any thing new, because oh crap I'm one step closer to making the dream a reality.

Are you starting to get the drift, yet?

Now, the conversation with my mum yesterday and the sermon just over two and a half weeks ago on almost the exact same topic, plus various other things I've seen during that time featuring similar sentiments... Hmm, ya think there's the slight possibility I'm being sent a message? Yesterday afternoon I thought to myself, Self, perhaps the time has come to remove my fingers from my ears, stop humming loudly off-key, and start listening.

As I've been writing this it's helped me see that I'm not as much of a hypocrite as I'd feared. Sure I have been a little, but certainly nowhere near what I've done in the past. I am changing for the better, a little more each day. Yesterday, I not only talked through my fears and sadness with my mother, I also did a first pass revision of seven chapters and read for pleasure through the rest of Serenade. Last night I slept well. This morning I'm happy with what I see in the mirror once more, despite the only thing change since yesterday being my own outlook. In fact, the scales say I'm a pound heavier than yesterday. LOL

Yes, FB, I am loving my beautiful self again.

Sure I've had a few wobbles along the way, but so does everyone when they're learning to do more than one thing at once. Remember how scary driving a car used to be? I'm confronting my fears, shining a light on them, then working through the ones that don't just sheepishly disappear when they know I know they're lurking about. Some really aren't fears at all, they were just coat racks I was making into monsters within my own head. Look at me, I'm walking and talking at the same time. Gah, that makes me sound like a kid's toy. New Walk'n'Talk Kada, in stores now!

How about you? Are you a walker or a talker? I'm hoping that you're able to find the balance between the two.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

Six Days of Separation

Looking back at my exercise calendar today, I see that out of the first seventeen days of this month, I've exercised only eight of them. That's less than half. Fair enough I've been sick, but the exercise has not been taking place. No lovely endorphins floating around the system, no wonder I felt blech! The last time I actually exercised was six days ago! Six. That's disgraceful, necessary, but still disgraceful.

Good news is despite such a big break I haven't lost any of my fitness. I did 30 minutes of step aerobics this morning with my trusty plank and I completed the whole thing with no modifications whatsoever. None. I didn't even need the fan on! Big change from only five weeks ago, eh? I'm hoping to be regularly attempting the 4" plastic step by the end of this month.But, we shall see. One step at a time. Baby steps, baybee!


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Now go do, that voodoo, that you do, so well!

I did have it bad yesterday, didn't I? Reading back through this morning I am having trouble believing what I wrote in that post, but then a good night's sleep makes for a much more sane and coherent Kada. Lack of sleep, post-holiday blues, uncomfortable in my own skin due to bloating, cold and uncomfortable due to lack of steady heat, and discomfort from the bladder infection; all of these contributed in their own way to the slight meltdown. In amongst the overwrought histrionics I suffered through I believe there was little kernels of real fear which I was ignoring in favour of the more readily apparent causes that I just mentioned.

Last night, I read a person's blog post about their sister's dog passing away, and ended up sobbing uncontrollably in my chair. The words, “I want my Mummy.” were uttered several times. It was at that point that some clarity did start to return. I hadn't really cried yet for my great-aunt. Her and her husband's deaths within six months or so of each other has kindled fears for my grandmother's longevity. I'm afraid whether or not my Nan will still be my Nan when we go visit later this year or whether she'll be a slightly demented stranger or even if she'll be around at all. That thought cascaded into all the loved ones I'm missing and fears for the future. Adding to this, Alaskaboy went back to work yesterday so I was also all alone in the cold house feeling lonely, miserable, and missing everybody. Did I mention fighting off an infection? Today it's not so bleak. The house has warmed up a little and I'm adjusting to doing without central heating again. Even better, the antibiotics are starting to work. Sleep, glorious sleep, how I love you! And most importantly I let out some of my grief and fear instead of bottling it inside and the pressure has come down enough that I can once more see clearly.

The last three weeks or so I've been cruising along thinking I had things under control and that I didn't need to work at losing weight any more. I ate a little more here and there, even going so far as eating meals when I wasn't hungry. Social eating it really is insidious the way it creeps back into one's mentality. I do admit I didn't eat huge meals, just took enough to be polite. The point is I should have said I was full and left it at that. Even Alaskaboy's urgings of a second helping of popcorn I gave into just this weekend here at home. So how did I get from glowing at our friend's comment when she picked us up at the airport, “You look fabulous!” to running scared once more?

I can pinpoint the exact moment when it all started to go wrong. Looking down at my friend's scale that had slowly inched its way down from 222.5 over the previous ten days and lo and behold all of a sudden it said 219.5 lbs. Oh cool! But, that can't be right, I'm unable to get below 220lbs, was the very first thought that entered my mind. Followed closely by, I bet it's not right, will have to weigh when I get home and see, her scales probably weigh light anyway. And just like that I undercut the fact that I'd lost three lbs. Negated all my hard work. Put myself down. Reaffirmed my deep-seated belief that I'm a failure. Gave myself license to give up. Having sunk those seeds of doubt deep in my fertile psyche I promptly forgot what I'd just thought and ran out to tell Alaskaboy the joyful news. Yesterday, you were treated to the results of those seeds. I hadn't said a positive affirmation since, well I had, but I hadn't meant it, so I may as well not have said anything. Helplessly thralled once more under the influence of LSED's sweet voodoo magic, all too capably assisted by my own willing self of course.

The very next day I started getting the first inklings of bloating and the UTI. Coincidence? I think not. Especially once you know that according to Reiki teachings both bloating and UTI's are triggered in part by fear, self-denial and holding on to negative thoughts. Fear of letting go.. hmmm. Afraid of letting go of my supposed obstacle perhaps? Afraid of being successful at losing weight whilst on holidays? Afraid to come back to real life and continue on with losing weight and regaining good health. Afraid to come back to work. Let's get sick and wallow in self pity and negativity instead! This hand, people, watch this hand. Never you mind what the other hand is doing, watch the wand in this one. Low Self Esteem Demon prestidigitation at its very best. But guess what? This audience of one wised up before she was able to burst forth from her cage. HAHAH SUCKER! Turns out the wallow was GOOD for me. Yeah, that's right, it's LSED that's sulking today. {big grin}

Me? I'm saying positive affirmations left, right and centre. That intuitive eating stuff? Yep, I'm doing that too. I even went and tried on my 16W cargo shorts. I am sad to report that they no longer do up, the zip fails to meet by about an inch again. The good thing about that though is, when I tried them on it was obvious that it is indeed all bloating around my middle. All water retention makes for one squishy belly as opposed to fat which feels firmer. And this lil' chickadee had more squish than a bug under a sumo wrestler's foot.

Even if it was fat it doesn't matter because I have full faith in my ability to live a healthy life. And a healthy lifestyle equals a healthy body. Look out, I'm back and more determined than ever! That train is getting to its destination this year. In fact I get the feeling it's an express, Station 220lbs is gonna go by so fast it'll barely be a blip on the scale!


Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Baby Elephant Walk.

Sometimes, being honest sucks! I wasn't going to weigh in this morning as I knew I would have a few pounds weighing me down because of bloating from the flights. Then I thought to myself, that if I didn't weigh in, in essence, it's cheating. It most certainly is not in keeping with my policy of being honest about how I'm doing on this weight loss journey. Every post can't be Yay Me! or all sunshine and roses now can it? That wouldn't be a journey, that'd be a trip down the garden path. And as we all know, losing weight is anything but a walk down the garden path or a stroll through the park. I came to this realisation after finishing my breakfast of a fried egg sandwich and a small cup of hot chocolate. This caused more waffling, but eventually I admitted it couldn't weigh more than a lb which would not be present for next week anyway, so there was nothing stopping me from getting on the scales.

So I stripped and got on the scales--After first standing on the metal bits with socks on to try and warm it up a little. (It's no more than 45F / 7C in the bathroom!) Still 6 lbs heavier than last week, even after all the peeing I've been doing!

Intellectually, I know why I'm at this weight.

Bloated from return flights on Friday.

Bloated from bladder infection.

Awoke every 45 minutes last night to pee...had a cup of water after every pee.

Awoke at 5:30am and stayed awake for over an hour babbling at Alaskaboy.

No exercise since Thursday, so no movement to help the bloating go away.

No exercise and lack of sleep for several nights, plus bloating, plus infection = 6 lb “gain” in four days. And yes, I use the term gain very loosely. Intellectually I know that it's impossible to gain that much fat in that time. Intellectually I know this “weight” will come off again, probably by the end of the month. Intellectually I know that these hiccups happen.

Emotionally? Oh-ho-ho, emotionally, I'm not so sanguine.

Last night I'd been all ready to reply positively to any comments received this morning. Take Elizabeth's comment on yesterday's post, “It must feel endless some days, and hard to commit to the baby steps. But you're looking great, and I'm in awe of your determination. KEEP IT UP!” I'd been going to say something nice and/or inspirational in reply and was definitely excited about a new reader, but I went and weighed in first. And lemme tell ya, this baby is sick of two steps forward and three or four back. Six backwards in the case of this morning!

I'm heartily fed up of losing the same five pounds over and over and OVER AGAIN!

Being fitter, stronger, leaner, healthier than I was this time last year, or even than I was before we went on holiday, doesn't change this morning's numbers on the damn scale! I was so excited getting on there this morning (after talking myself into it) thinking I'd have to have lost at least two lbs since Saturday morning's weigh in, with all the peeing I've been doing, instead I gained on top of the post-flight bloating! I don't dare try on any clothes either, not just because it's freezing, but because I know in this emotional state if they don't fit I'm going to cry, and then I'm going to go on a bender like you wouldn't believe. Even knowing that the bloating would be the direct cause of the clothes possibly not fitting, I just couldn't stomach it this morning. I couldn't.

Why not? I hear some of you thinking. There's still the possibility it will fit. But, the possibility of it not fitting far outweighs the chance it will, and I don't want to risk the chance of repeating last year. And so, we come to the crux of the matter. Last March, when we came back from our trip to Alaska, I had exercised my heart out, counted calories, the works, and still I gained 5 lbs at my first weigh in back. If you're getting a sense of déjà vu, you'd be absolutely correct, we have been here before. Went away to Nebraska, exercised my bum off (literally, in places), ate healthily, slept well, increased my weights for strength training, and I come back to a first weigh in of EXACTLY the same weight as the one from March last year.

226.5 lbs / 102.95 kgs. It was that very same weight plus the sense of utter futility which led to me weighing in at my heaviest ever, not quite four months after returning from that trip. I won't let it happen again. I can't. No way in hell am I going back to my unhealthy lifestyle. No way am I going to undo six months of hard work, sweat and, yes, tears. But, at the moment, I can feel myself trembling on the cusp, and that is why those pants are staying in the cupboard this week, maybe even for a couple more weeks. However long it takes for me to feel confident enough to try them on again, they'll stay just where they are.

I have my New Moon challenge starting on Thursday, yet this morning I want to tell it to sod off. I suck, I'm never going to get to my goal weight. Goal weight? AHAHAHA How's that for shits and giggles, dreaming of goal weight when I can't even break 100kg/220lbs?

I'm planning on doing some strength training today, with possibly a walk when it warms up this afternoon. (have to wear sunscreen and cover up in the middle of winter thanks to the antibiotics.. can't even go sit in the sun and read like I'd planned!) Really hoping that I can come back from the brink of irrevocably falling off the wagon, but I honestly just don't know any more. Sick of it. Sick and tired and fed up and pissed off and wanting to go stuff myself stupid. Thankfully the antibiotics have one thing going for them, they've inhibited my appetite. Oh the irony! If I eat too much I feel nauseous. So, all I can do is rant and rave and swear and complain, which really is a good thing, I guess. I'm feeling my emotions instead of eating them. And we all know I'd be eating as much as an elephant eats.


Monday, January 15, 2007

Wee, wee, wee ... all the way to the docs.

I didn't end up doing any exercise Friday before leaving for home like I'd planned, instead I napped for several hours whilst Alaskaboy packed the bags. And yesterday afternoon after getting back from our first lot of grocery shopping I wanted to do nothing but stay on the couch and munch on junk food and watch movies or talk on the phone... also, I'd mysteriously gained 5 lbs in less than 24 hours. A lot, even for when I've flown the day previously.

A good explanation for those symptoms would be the fact that I've got a bladder infection. Yum, yum! Haven't had one up quite that far before, so would explain why I didn't recognise the symptoms. There wasn't the usual tell-tale needtopeeneedtopeeNEEDTOPEE {drippetydrip} Whyyoulittle!, more like a need to pee more often than usual {normal amount of pee followed by a slight throbbiness up near bladder that went away really quick} Hmm, that's odd?

But, yeah, don't feel as confused any longer as to why I'm resting and feeling muncheriffic despite have sound sleeps all week. I was horrified when my blood pressure said 128/87 as it's normally 110/70, but apparently it's normal for your blood pressure to go up when you're fighting off stuff, learned something new today. Got some antibiotics and a urinary analgesic and feeling much better as of this afternoon. Yay medicine! I remarked to Alaskaboy on the way home from the doctors that I'd been going to say to him this morning, how nice it was to have finally had a holiday away where I didn't get sick or hurt myself in some fashion . . .

Ahh well, c'est la vie.

Our vacation was fabulous. Spent most of the time at our friend's place talking and spending time with her. Other nights we went and visited her sister and family, other friends, and also went away for a night to Kansas, coming home the long way via Missouri and Iowa. It was also very interesting getting to visit our friend at work and see her perform surgery on a patient. (she's a vet.) Thanks to her I've discovered the joys of exercising in scrubs. I then proceeded to buy several pairs from a cheapie department store that I'm embarrassed to have shopped at, especially since I loathe their undercutting of local businesses. But, in this instance, I caved to the cheap prices and splurged. Now I have nice warm exercise gear for when it's winter and too cold for my bike pants and crop top, yet thin enough that I don't get too hot.

{giggle} Sorry, got distracted there for a moment. Alaskaboy is saying the funniest things to the t.v. as he's playing DDR. Where was I? Trip report, that's it.

The two weeks went super fast, as it always does when we're having a good time. It wasn't until we were on the way to the airport that we realised we hadn't even been into the CBD/Downtown area of our friend's city. Oh well. Next time we'll do more touristy stuff I guess. This trip was all about hanging out and spending time together. Oooh, and introducing Alaskaboy to Red Dwarf. He liked it, woohoo! We got to see the first three seasons, so now we have to try and find somewhere to get the rest from, once we do, I'm pretty sure what we'll be getting each other for birthdays/Christmas this year. LOL

Am missing our friend and the doggies (hers and her sister's both), and will really feel the post-holiday blues I'm sure tomorrow when Alaskaboy goes back to work. Hoping the constant peeing and blah feeling is gone so I can get back to my work and exercise schedule to help fight the blues. Hooray for endorphins and constructive brain activity, which should also help with not dwelling overly much upon my great-aunts death. Not to say I'm ignoring it or repressing my grief, but dealing with it in a healthy fashion rather than wallowing.

Back again. My sister-in-law called, so I've been gabbing with her for the last half an hour. Funny, her reaction to the news of my most recent doctor's visit was the same as another friend of mine's, "Again?!" LOL Anyone'd think I get at least one every year or something. {wink} I am bummed about this UTI in particular, since I'd planned on going for a nice long walk this afternoon, but I know I should rest, so I didn't go. Alaskaboy offered to accompany me on a stroll, but I really didn't even feel up to that. To be honest if I didn't have to stay awake for at least another hour before being able to take my next tablet, I'd be in bed already. Here's hoping I feel good enough to do some exercise tomorrow. But if not, don't worry I won't push it. Rest and Recuperation is just as important for health as exercise.

I'd had a whole bunch of other stuff to talk about, but really can't remember what it was any longer. (This less-than-stellar post has taken three hours to compose.) So, instead of further blathering I'm heading off to have some soup and curl up on the couch, or maybe check out some blogs. I have been lurking, just haven't felt up to posting the last few days.


Friday, January 12, 2007

Time to go home already?

These last two weeks really have disappeared quite quickly, that's to be expected when you're busy having a good time though. Most of the time was spent here in Nebraska hanging out with our friend, and visiting some other people nearby. Last weekend we did cover three states in two days and I think we're all still recovering from the long hours in the car and all the restaurant eating. Since we've got one of Alaskaboy's college friends and his girlfriend coming over for dinner tonight, have got the last half of The Mikado to watch after they go home, and we fly home tomorrow, I'm going to do my holiday progress report a day earlier than planned. Tomorrow morning is for getting last minute exercise and packing in, so I won't have much time to get online.

My main goals this holiday, apart from have fun, have been: Lose weight, gain fitness, eat intuitively, and get enough sleep.

I started the holiday at 222.5 lbs / 101.1 kgs
This morning I weighed in at 220 lbs / 100 kgs*

Before we came I was unable to use a four inch high step for aerobics I can now complete at least ten minutes using the 4 inch step.

Strength training - plain font = prior to holiday, bolded = current:

Pushups: 20
/ 30

Pecs: 2.5 lbs / 4 lbs

Triceps and Traps: 3 lbs /
4 lbs

Biceps: 5 lbs / 6 lbs

Squats: 5 lbs / 6 lbs

Deltoids (mil press and upright row): 1/2 lbs / 1 lbs

Quads, Glutes, Hammies: 3 lbs / 4 lbs

I'm surprised at how well I've done with the eating. Even after my great aunt died this week, I've still kept it together fairly well. At a little more for each meal the last two days than I normally would, and didn't exercise, but I believe that a girl's allowed a little break from healthiness when grieving. Today, the initial flush of grief is gone, so I can pick up the pieces a little and am eating healthier and did do exercise. Being busy is also helping take my mind off the fact that the funeral is today. I'm figuring that once we get back home and Alaskaboy has gone back to work, I'll have some private time to deal with my feelings. Must ensure that I keep dealing with the emotions though, not lock them away or sublimate them in food like I did when great uncle died last year.

Sleep. This one has suprised me the most! I've averaged about 7 hours sleep whilst we've been here, and I've been absolutely fine with it. Even the mornings I've tried to sleep in, I've been awake again much sooner than I thought I would be, and more aware much quicker than usual. I've also had more stamina for the long hours of talking and staying up late.

I guess my quality of life really has improved now that I'm a little fitter. Just thinking of all those holidays I wasted on being a misery guts makes me so angry! But, also glad that I'm now a much happier and healthy person.

Next post should be from home.

Hope everyone's having a good week?

*Earlier this week I saw 219.5 lbs / 99.7 kgs.
Since it's not my own scale, and especially since I'm back up to 220lbs this morning, I'm not going to count it. It does however give me hope for being under triple digits before the end of January. Yippee!


Slight Revision to January's Vim and Vigour Goals

I did go back and modify the first goal. It was slightly unrealistic to expect me to be able to to an hour of exercise every day whilst on a holiday. But, especially after finding out my great-aunt died, I just sat on the couch for two days and didn't have the energy to do much of anything.

So, I'm dealing with that as best as I can, eating healthy again, and back into the exercising today. Shit happens I guess, but that doesn't mean I should have to feel like a failure for things that are completely out of my control.

I guess that's the problem with black and white goals, they don't allow for any smudging. Glad I went with the average daily amount of exercise with my new moon challenge! Phew.


Thursday, January 11, 2007

New Moon, New Measurements

31 Day Challenge.

After successfully completing my 12 week streak I felt so much fitter and stronger. Not to mention the high I was on from all that exercise. I had a goal of 40 mins per day every day, but ended up with an hour a day (on average) for 12 weeks. Wow! This time I’m going to try a shorter, but more intense streak. Shorter because I’d like the option of being able to change to something different at the finish, or keep going, if I wish. More intense, well, because I want a challenge.

Since I’ve been mooning for weeks now over getting below 100kgs/220lbs, I figure I’ll use the new moon as my guide for reaching new measurements. ;)
New moon falls on the 18th of January this year, and Feb’s is on the 17th. So, from one new moon to the other, I’m going to average 90 minutes per day of exercise. Now, I say average, because that allows me to take rest days if I need them.

That’s 2790 minutes for the month total.

Can she do it? I hear you ask. She believes she can and is certainly going to give it her best shot.

To track my progress, I'll use a minutes ticker at the bottom of this page, take bodily measurements each week, and weigh each week also. I'm guessing a photo at the beginning and finish would also be good?


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But snacking helps me keep my hunger at bay!

I'm curious to see what everyone else's favourite snacks are? New snacks are always fun to try

Here's mine:
Go Lean Rolls (protein bar) - will have half or a whole one depending on how hungry.
Turkey pepperoni
Cheese and tomato - either on toast, crackers, or just by themselves
Vanilla yoghurt with granola/muesli bars
Onion dip (dried onion soup mix with reduced fat sour cream or plain yoghurt) with vegetables
Hummus with veggies or bread of som kind
Cheesesticks (we prefer the frigo light brand to the precious light)*
Apple and Peanut Butter sandwich
Nuts. raw, or roasted but lightly salted, with fruit leather / dried fruit
Salsa with chips
Quicky Nachos (on a bread and butter plate put some guiltless gourmet chips, sprinkle some salsa and some reduced fat cheese, microwave till cheese melts)
English muffins or crumpets with your choice of spread
TLC's (Tasty little crackers by Kashi: love the Cheese, Ranch, and Original flavours)
Boiled egg
Cereal with either milk or yoghurt.
Apple sandwich
Banana sandwich
Vegemite or peanut butter on vita weets.
laughing cow light cheese (herb and garlic, french onion, and plain are all pretty good!)
baked beans
baked potato
cheesymite scroll
raisin toast

Umm, that's about all I can think of this morning, I know there's more.

But, basically, I try to have a carb, fruit, or vegetable, with some protein. I find it lasts longer and keeps me more satisfied with less of a spike in my blood sugar.
What do you find works for you?


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Raising a glass.

After a lovely weekend away with friends in Kansas, Alaskaboy, me, and the friend we're staying with came home to some sad news.

Found out today that, on saturday, my great-aunt lost her battle with renal failure and blocked arteries. So very glad that Alaskaboy and I got to have that last phonecall with her late last year. We'll be drinking a shandy (beer and sprite/lemonade) in her memory.

Make sure you tell, even better yet show, your loved ones how much they mean to you, and often.


Saturday, January 06, 2007

Fat days--don’t you love ‘em?

Yesterday I was feeling distinctly tired. No matter how much I’ve tried to sleep-in, each night I’ve been getting on average eight hours sleep. Now, I know this is a good thing because it shows I’m healthier than I’ve been in a long time, but dammit, we’re on holiday, I want to be able to sleep-in, just once! The tiredness wasn’t helped by the reading fest I’ve had for the last two days. Hmm, actually most of it probably is eyestrain making me feel tired. Whatever the cause, yesterday I was TIRED, and fat.

Yes, I had my first fat day in a long time, and I didn’t like it one little bit. All day I sat on the couch and read. Nothing wrong with that I know, but I didn’t do my hour of exercise.

OK, maybe I needed the rest.

Did I really need to go on a binge though?

I snacked all day long, didn’t have a real lunch at all. Come time to get dressed to go over to our friend’s sister’s house for a games night, I felt fat and awful, well, even fatter and more awful than I’d felt all day. And lemme tell you, that was pretty damn awful. Didn’t even get out of my pyjamas until the last possible minute.

I’ve seen the front part of the pannus start to bulge out again over the last couple of weeks. The last two days, it’s been extremely noticeable. Oh my god, I’m getting fat again! It must be all this different foods and whatnot. I have an idea; since I’m fat, let’s binge! Writing down my food diary last night I felt even more of a failure, I couldn’t even binge properly! Here I was thinking I’d eaten uncontrollably all day, and all I’d done is have a few large snacks instead of eating lunch. Not the healthiest of snacks I will admit, but it could have been much worse.

As I finished getting dressed and went out to model a couple of different choices for Alaskaboy, I was surprised to discover part of the reason I’ve been feeling so blah. I’ve tricked myself into thinking I’m fatter. My body has changed and my perception has been all screwy. The reason there’s bulging going on is because the pannus/apron is shrinking. Not only is it retreating up the body, so that the pouch of skin is smaller, the side bits near the hip are also disappearing. I’m guessing that because it is no longer riding down in my groin, but farther up on the mons pubis and abdomen, it naturally sticks out a little more?

Goodbye, Fat Day. Hello, Slimmer Hips.

And what was that? There on the back of my bottom where the glutes meet the thigh, the 16W jeans were slightly loose where they’ve never been loose before. Although, thanks to the bulging pannus, I now couldn’t wear the jeans because I had that awful divot where the zip ran down it. Oh well, back to the 18W’s for the night. Man, are they getting loose! Woohoo!

So, I guess this shall go down in my memory as The Fat Day That Wasn’t.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Marvellous Munchies.

Sparing those that wouldn't have any interest in reading it, I've decided not to post it on here. But, for those that might be be curious as to what I eat, I've started another blog containing my food diary. I've put a link to it over on the sidebar.

Warning if reading about foods that you wouldn't normally expect to find on a "diet" then, please don't visit that blog. I'm talking things like take away foods, desserts etc. If reading about things like that are guaranteed to give you a binge attack, please don't go there, for your own good!
If however you have no problem with that, come on over!

Oh and there will be the occasional recipe... well, I think so, if people are interested in wanting them that is. ;)