Friday, November 10, 2006

TeeHee. I'd forgotten about this.

Subject: Eviction notice!
From: one of my email addresses
TO: Moi's other address.
Date: 29th March, 2006

Hiya Chickadees,

We've been bestest friends now for going on three years. Los Angeles is a big city and I've been quite content to stay at home with you, (and of course, hubby, when he's not at work,) never having to worry about leaving our comfort zone. During these last three years we've had trips away with family and friends to keep away that bitch, Loneliness. Being able to chat with friends via boards or email is also wonderful in this regard. Smiley
Today I depressed myself thoroughly by looking up a pet finding website. I found a puppy that my heart went pitty-patty over, and called to tell hubby I wanted this one. His reality pin pricked my bubble and I realised that in all honesty we can't afford her if we're saving to have kids and a house.
That hurt ever so much because I'm lonely. It's OK for him he's at work every day with people contact and changes of scenery, I'm stuck here all on my lonesome for hours on end.
Loneliness? She was over quicker than you could say lickettysplit, and snuggled tight against my side. Breathing down my neck she was in an almost orgiastic manner as she realised I was about to invite her to stay for was her shoulder I blubbered all over.
Then I realised it was the wrong friend I was blaming for my troubles. Loneliness only comes over after you two have put your heads together and talked me into doing stuff. She's there to help clean up YOUR mess.
Shy, baby, it's you that stops me from going out and about and trying new things and meeting new people, you want me all to yourself, you selfish cow.
'Cras dearest its you that's holding me back. You're forever thinking up ways to distract me from doing what i really want to be doing, you deceitful bastard.
Guess what? I have a new friend, his name is Confidence Backbone of Decisive-ville. HE advised me to listen to my mother and not you, Cras. So you know what I did? I went and emailed for information about volunteer adult literacy tutoring. Yeah that's right, the one I was interested in early last year and due to travel commitments I couldn't jump at the chance to give it a go. Then, I listened to your advice of trying it next year. Now, I have the six months to commit to it, no travelling until December. So next year is HERE, and Procrastination Next-Year, you're in need of a new victim . . . that is to say, friend.
Shyness, he advised me to tell you to hit the frog'n'toad again. While you were away last year I had a blast trying out that writing course. Can't really afford another one of those at the moment, (especially with saving up for WorldCon) so instead, I'm off to a TOPS meeting tonight. Yes that's right TONIGHT!
So poor old Loneliness doesn't get her dinner invite afterall. You two can tsk tsk all you like, but I've been wanting to do this for over a month now, and no more waiting till tomorrow or listening to your excuses and seemingly valid reasons, I'm going, and you're leaving!
Since neither of you ever signed a rental agreement, I'm perfectly within my rights to say you have until the end of the day to get out.
As the late, great Mr Charles said, “And doncha come back no more!”


P.S. You're right, getting a dog would make me less lonely, but it wouldn't fix the underlying problem. Just like all your other advice in the past, it looks great at first glance, but is in fact just making it less likely that I'll get out and make friends of my own in the city. Yeah I hear ya, puppy obedience class is all well and good, but that's neither here nor there, and you know it.

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