Through Thick And Thin

Turning Up The Heat

2011-11-11T14:33:00.001-08:00

The weather here is starting to get hotter, and I've been fretting about being able to continue walking outside. The other morning I was up at 7am, and it was already too hot for me to walk out in the sun.

Yesterday the power pack finally arrived. Which power pack you ask? The power pack from Nintendo Australia that will allow us to use our Wii here in Aus. It's been been disheartening, no, to be honest it's been ENRAGING to have the Wii sitting there staring at me and knowing I couldn't use it yet.

Kiddlywink has discovered the joys of the basic run, just like her cousins used to love to do, except she's young enough that the remote either gets stuck down the back of her pants, she holds it for a little while, or I jiggle it whenever she runs on the spot (or up and down the hallway if the fancy takes her) or more usually all three occur in the one run. Over the course of the day she spent an hour, wii fit piggy bank time, chasing doggies and kittens and people, oh my, around several different wii fit courses. We had to create a whole new Mii, where we lied about her age, so that she could participate. I don't care what the arbitrary age limit is on the wii, she was ready.

And later in the evening, I had a turn. Only 17 piggy bank's minutes worth, but I had forgotten how much satisfaction I got from working up a sweat. Forgotten how much fun it is to exercise with others egging me on or just simply laughing at the games. I really have to get my juggling mojo back! BUT I went farther than I ever have on the obstacle course. :) A little sore this morning, but it's the sore I'd forgotten about, the sore that makes me feel good about my body, that boosts my self esteem and that makes me healthier, mind body and soul. Hooray for exercise!

Change Of Addess.

2011-09-28T17:02:00.001-07:00

Over the last few months I've had a bazillion things I've wanted to blog about.

First and foremost, is that on the 1st of August, Alaskaboy, Kiddlywink and I moved house...

Now that the lawyers have lodged our forms I can tell you we're living in Australia!

It could take up to twelve months to find out if our Spouse Visa application has been successful. Since he's not allowed to work, or even look for work, while the application is going through we're currently living with my parents. Will be extra squishy once our stuff arrives in the next week or so, at least until we sort out what will be going into storage!

Now that we've acclimatised to the wet winter it's much more enjoyable. Kiddlywink is loving having a backyard to run around in, dirt, snails and bugs, a doggy AND extended family to play with, plus all the Vegemite her heart desires. LOL

So...G'day from the land down under!

More later since Alaskaboy, Kiddlywink and I are off outside to enjoy the aforementioned wet weather. :)

It's been awhile!

2011-03-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

I've got a lot to talk about. So very much to talk about that I'm squeezed and jammed and crammed as full as can be, just like the overloaded Nickle Nackle Tree. For the last few months I've resembled a wounded animal in a trap; I alternate bouts of flailing about wildly with fits of staring blankly into nothingness(well in my case the t.v.) which is all accompanied by shoving way too much into my mouth.

I haven't even been able to write the words to tell you. Four months it's taken me just to be able to summon the courage to write this post. But something has to give. I have to take steps to deal with this. I had gone to see a shrink the other week, but then somehow she ended up in hospital after we had one session. That sent me back into another wallow of frustrated depression.

Talking to my sister-in-law this week she told me about a book she was reading aout how to deal with highly sensitive people, DuoLoq and BeeMaN are both highly sensitive people, and after taking the test on the website I realised I am too. So, I'm going to go to the library and borrow it and see how I relate to it. Hopefully it'll give me some hints on how to help me cope with overwhelming situations.

Because at the moment I'm pretty overwhelmed. I'm feeling so much fear and rage--plus some emotions I don't even know how to describe yet--and I know that only the tip of my emotional iceberg is exposed. I'm scared of how I feel. I'm scared of what the future might hold. I'm scared of EVERYthing lately. I feel cheated. I feel adrift. I feel afraid to hope that the medication I'll have to take will work. I'm afraid of having to give myself a daily injection. I'm angry that the best thing they can do, even with modern medicine, is only slow this thing down. It's been a big realisation to understand we have NO local support. And from what I can gather, when you have MS you're gonna need a good support network. I've signed up for the MS Society and the ball is slowly rolling with that kind of support.

Yep, that's right, what I haven't been able to say, let alone start to deal with, until now, is that I have Multiple Sclerosis.

Sorry, that's all for now. I'll be back soon as I know that writing about things is definitely part of helping me deal with it. Taking a leaf out of Shauna's book, I'll probably start doing some private journal writing also. The old fashioned way with pen and paper because some stuff is just too raw for me to think about as I write it, let alone for anyone else to read it.

Numbness still progressing.

2010-11-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

Tests were negative for calcium or electrolyte deficiency. Lack of pain meant no pinched nerves, so no scans or MRI. Diagnosed numbness/nausea/stress. Sent me home told me to follow up with doc on Tuesday like planned. Take lorazepam if I feel anxious.

*Asked doc and nurse, before receiving shot, if lorazepam was contraindicated for sleep apnea, they said it would be fine.
looked it up and yep, contraindicated for sleep apnea sufferers.
Was kinda nervous about it being out of my system enough to sleep safely, and stayed up late.

Each day it spreads a little more and the previous bits get more numb.

Hands and forearms, inner biceps, chest, both shoulders, upper back, back of neck, main numbness on scalp started radiating outward from mowhak pattern. Temples, cheekbones, forehead, eyelids, cheeks, teeth, gums, chin, nose, sense of taste and smell are like after I had the antibiotic poisoning. Perineum, left heel and outer toes. Sense of touch has altered over whole body basically, with the left side being approximately half again as affected as the right side.

Still no pain. That's the bit that seemed to really confuse the ER doc.

Breathing feels a little weird now too as lining of mouth/throat, tongue, nostrils etc are numbish this afternoon as well.

This evening I feel kinda numb emotionally. Am thinking I'm a little bit shocky. Afraid of where this is going and what's happening. Want to march back to the hospital and say "do all the tests in the world to figure out what's going on," but know that to them, it's not an emergency, so they won't do anything more than they did yesterday.

Last night I started wondering if this is continued on from the B6 overdose I figured out I'd had the other month. But, it seems B6 toxicity only effects extremities. Maybe it's a combo of the nasal mask pressing on my face when I wore it, plus sleeping in that sitting up position, plus the B6 toxicity, or? or? or?

Been looking up all kinds of disorders/diseases/syndromes, but none seem to fit exactly. Trying not to worry, but can't help it.

Trying to enjoy as much time/touch with Kiddlywink as I can, just in case.

REALLY hoping it's something easily cured.

Off to the hospital.

2010-11-25T11:00:00.000-08:00

Can't wait until Tuesday, numbness is getting worse. Heading off to hospital to see if they can figure out what's going on.

Trying Again.

2010-11-23T17:43:00.000-08:00

We cobbled together another attempt to make the hose lift work. This time I could even lay comfortably on my side. I don't know how much of that is the decreased sensitivity in my face and how much is finding a better position for the hose.

Will post again in the morning to let yas know how it went.

Freaking. The. Fuck. Out.

2010-11-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

Well, the cobbled together thingy didn't work..which leads me to be far less hopeful for effectiveness of hose lift. Slept really poorly last night raised up on pillows. Awoke with even more numb spots in arms, face, hands. Can't see regular doc until next Tuesday. Spoke to dentist, can't do anything for me until appointment on the 9th. Am awaiting a call back from sleep doctor..who probably won't say much except for "sleep the best you can, numbness or apnea won't kill you any time soon, wait for dental device." Was pretty much all he said last time too. But, I can't help but flounder around then call the experts and hope they can help SOMEhow.

Oh AND our nicely defrosted deep freezer now has putrid fishy smelling insulation in the lid. Will be cheaper and easier to replace whole freezer than lid and insulation.

{SOB}

A little more hopeful.

2010-11-22T16:48:00.000-08:00

I did a whole lot of research online last night and this morning, and came across something called a cpap hose lift. There are a few different types out there, and many people have built their own versions. I chose this style because it folds down easily for travel.

It'll take a few days to arrive--even more now that I remembered about thanksgiving this week--so in the meantime we're gonna try and cobble something together. The idea behind the hose lift is that it takes the weight of the hose off the mask, plus also prevents you from rolling on or getting tangled in it for those that have that particular problem. Am hopeful that with only the weight of the mask, it will erase the pressure issue that was causing the numbness. Kinda like easing your waistband after a big meal. LOL

Spoke to my dentist about it and she said definitely try that out. And if that doesn't work there is the cpappro to try (mouth guard) as well as a few oral devices to help with tongue positioning, if it comes down to it surgery to fix my deviated septum might even help. As she put it, even if we get a 50% improvement on some of the issues that cause my sleep apnea (narrow passages, small mouth, long and large tongue, overweight) then hopefully we can get me down to mild or moderate apnea which means its a lot less scary.

Then I got a few lidocaine shots and next thing I know my heart is racing, I'm trembling and I felt all hot and bothered. Seems that me no likee the epinephrine that went along with the lidocaine. It probably didn't help that, due to stress, all I ate yesterday was two pieces of grilled cheese and tomato toast and a single chocolate chip cookie. Breakfast this morning was only a small glass of water and one and a half slices of raisin toast.

My dentist was concerned at how I reacted so she put my fillings off. That made me like her as a dentist even more plus the reason I'd already thought she was good; her empathy for her patients, she treats Kiddlywink like a person and she doesn't push for procedures if she doesn't think they're necessary. Oh, and add in the fact that she noticed that I'd lost weight since I saw her five weeks ago. :)

We made an appointment for next month. That'll give me time to test out the new contraption and it's a few days after my parents arrive so I'll be less stressed overall. Fingers crossed!

So frightened and Frustrated.

2010-11-21T12:56:00.001-08:00

For me, CPAP therapy works. I have my CPAP machine sitting beside my bed, waiting patiently for me to use it. The nasal mask that I got the other month makes my upper lip numb and sends shooting pain up into my face. And, it also has made my bite worse once more.

So, the last few weeks I've been sleeping propped up on a huge pile; couch cushion, a large toy panda pillow, floor cushion and then my pillow. Plus under my butt is another pillow and under my knees too. Basically by the time I'm done it's like I'm sitting up in a hospital bed. This has allowed me to sleep better. Not as great as when I'm on CPAP but better than when flat in bed.

I've been losing weight, got more energy etc etc. I'd even planned not to take my CPAP to Minneapolis. a) to avoid beagle hair possibly getting into the machine and b) because I'm probably going to need a mask that is part mouth guard part nose mask. (which will take time to make and using the other mask will move my teeth even more.)

I've noticed a little numbness in my face recently, but assumed it was leftover from using the nasal mask. The last two days it gotten even worse, and this morning my left-hand pinky and ring finger pads are partially numb too. Now I've realised it's most probably from the pressure on the back of my neck from my new sleeping position.

This morning I had an emotional meltdown. I'm so angry, frightened, frustrated. So frightened of what could happen to me, especially if the mouthguard mask doesn't work. As far as I can tell it's my last option for the masks.

I'm frightened of what could happen to my body in between now and getting that mask.

I'm scared that I could die far too young. Or worse have a stroke and leave me in need of permanent care. I'm afraid of any more of my body going numb.

I'm angry that the therapy that's supposed to be treating me is making more problems. Angry that I even have this problem in the first place. Sickened and miserable that I'm resenting the pregnancy for making the sleep apnea worse, if I had it pre-pregnancy, or possibly giving it to me in the first place.

SO frustrated that my machine is sitting there and taunting me with a 100% effective therapy and I can't use the fucker!

I have an appointment with my dentist tomorrow for fillings and to talk over my options, but I'm nauseated by the hope that the new mouthguard thingy could work, and by the fear that it won't.

I'm hoping that in years to come I'll look back on this and laugh. That I'll be able to use my new exquisite appreciation of a catch-22 situation to write a fabulous novel. I'm really hoping that I can live a long, healthy, happy life and participate in my daughter's life and watch her grow up.

As I whispered to the universe moments before the anesthesiologist knocked me out before the c-section, "I want to live."

World's Most Expensive Brussel Sprouts EVER!

2010-11-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Or, my misadventurous week in cooking!

Flushed with success at the wonderful bounty that filled our fridge, and a little surprised at how expensive fresh fruit and veggies are all of a sudden, I decided to try out some new recipes last week. With how expensive they were to buy I also wanted to make sure we used them all up and didn't allow any spoilage like we've done in the past.

Veggie-based dishes were the go because Alaskaboy gets catered a lot of meat at work and I tend to prefer my meat meal at lunch time. First up was this cabbage and sweet potato curry recipe I'd found online. The flavour was good, but I couldn't eat more than a few bites. Literally, two tentative bites and I was done. Instead of using 2 teaspoons of curry paste...I mistakenly remembered the curry amount as 2 TABLESPOONS.

Two tablespoons of curry in such a small amount of veggies is NOT fun, especially since we don't use your average mild Keen's curry. I love hot food, but this was beyond even me. We packaged it up in SMALL servings then froze it for later consumption.

I'd bought a Costco-sized bag of brussel sprouts and planned on making only half with our usual cooking method of sauteing them in garlic butter. First up though, I made half with something new that sounded delicious. Not only delicious but Mary, (from A Merry Life) who quite honestly states her beginner abilities when it comes to cooking, had successfully cooked the recipe and found them delicious and simple to make. Sounded like a plan to me!

So, I copied out the recipe Mary used and set to work surprising Alaskaboy with a delicious plate of mixed roasted veggies for dinner.

The first bummer was that it reminded me of cooking Christmas dinner in Australia. For some reason the weather had turned revoltingly hot, but I wanted roast veggies, so buggerit, I was havin' veggies. The second problem was that he ended up working about two hours overtime, with a 5:30am start time the next morning, and consequently fell into bed the minute he got home.

The brussels were delicious by the way. So, I saved some on a plate for him to eat.

And saved them.

And saved them.

And saved them....

By the time Saturday evening rolled around the slight funky smell in the fridge had gotten worse. So, I threw out the defrosted half serve of curry that was left(something else he'd intended to eat); the brussel sprouts; the slightly brown limes and anything else I could think of that had combined to make the smell.

But I'd saved the brussels only to lose everything else. And I mean everything in the fridge and the freezer. The only thing left unaffected was the unopened tubs of yoghurt and a bottle of freshly opened limeade. Even the unopened cartons of milk were feral.

It took several days for the smell to dissipate.

A saucer of brussel sprouts that cost us nearly $700 in thrown out food. I think that equals The Most Expensive Brussel Sprouts EVAH!

This is the fridge/freezer this afternoon. (Slowly starting to restock it.) I'm now taking a break in the middle of scrubbing out the whole thing. Even more fun? My uncle and a cousin are stopping by for dinner tomorrow night on their last night in the US before returning home to Australia. Thankfully it's only the fridge that's bare.

Pre-Pregnancy Weight Goal Achieved!

2010-09-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

On the 14th of September 2009 I weighed 255.5 lbs or 115.9 kgs. That day I set myself a goal of losing 20.5 lbs. Upon starting to write this, I realised that my actual pre-pregnancy weight was 238 lbs*, but considering how sleep deprived I was last September, I forgive myself for my lack of maths skills. (255.5 minus 20.5 for an even total of 235.0 is so much easier than 255.5 minus 238. LOL)

On the 31st August this year, I weighed 232.1 lbs or 105.27 kgs. I didn't count that weigh in because I was in the midst of the meltdown about my teeth and cpap--update on that in another post--and losing 5 lbs in one week due to my stress-induced lack of appetite meant I'd most likely regain that weight anyway.

The following week's weigh day we had to rush off that morning on errands, so I didn't weigh myself.

On the 14th September (nicely symbolic I thought) my weight was 234.4 lbs or 106.3 kgs.

This morning I weighed in at 232.4 lbs or 105.41 kgs, and thus now consider myself having reached my pre-pregnancy goal weight. Now, if my maths skills are a little better this morning, I believe that comes to a total weight loss of 23.1 lbs or 10.49 kgs in just over 12 months. Nice, slow and steady. Just how I would like to lose my excess weight.

*Ironically, going by the 238 lbs, I've been under goal since 24th August when I weighed in at 237.4 lbs or 107.68 kgs. More exciting in one way that I've been under longer, but less exciting because I was so thrilled about achieving, and maintaining, under 235lbs, which I THOUGHT was my pre-preg goal weight.

Distraught.

2010-08-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

The last few days I've been so distressed I've barely been able to eat. The CPAP machine, that wonderful life saving device I use to help me breathe while I'm asleep, is steadily screwing up my face. And I don't mean in a cosmetic sense.

It's literally shoving my lower jaw to the side by at least half a centimeter so far, receding my gums, making my molars and incisors lean inward like the Tower of Pisa, and all my other teeth as a result are screwing up as well. For those of you that have had braces or similar dental work, you know that horrible dull ache I'm talking about. Add to that an occasional sensation similar to when you eat too much wasabi in one go (albeit not quite as intense, but definitely those kind of prickles up the sinus cavity), a headache and a sore ear = a physically miserable me.

That's just the physical side. The emotional and mental anguish are seriously off the scale. I'm so angry that, yet again, there's a bitter pill to swallow in amongst the joyousness. This teeth thing aside, I'm ecstatic about how much more alert I am, how much more energy is flowing through my system. Most especially with how much more I'm the mum I want to be to Kiddlywink. And then this teeth/jaw thing happened and I've freaked the hell out.

Pure and simple, I need the cpap to live. Not only live but have good quality of life. But with how much my teeth and jaw have moved the past few nights, what damage will happen over the next months/years?

A respiratory technician from the medical supply company was s'posed to come out yesterday to help try on different masks to see if they'd help. But when I told him the actual problem, and after he spoke to his supervisor, there's nothing they can do for me.I have to see my sleep doctor tomorrow and hope that he can give me a solution that keeps my teeth and jaw happy while allowing me to live to a ripe old age, without also screwing up anything else!

And oh how I want to live. Apart from living my own life, I have a gorgeous girl who needs me, and I need to see her grow up.

I know I need that cpap. I fell asleep one night without it, too scared to put it on because of what it's do to my jaw/teeth, and it stayed on the pillow beside me. I woke up two hours later gasping for breath and with my heart absolutely pounding in my chest. Not too long ago, that was normal. Now that my body is refreshed I now know how awful/bad my body actually feels when I sleep without the cpap working.

I'm hoping and praying that the doctor can help me, because if he can't...I don't know how to cope. Living in fear of one's life is no way to live, lemme tell you!

Commence Operation Bye-Bye Bouncer

2010-08-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

Cue the next step in my recovery. Now that I'm getting enough sleep it's time for Kiddlywink to learn to fall asleep in her own crib/cot. Her dependence upon the bouncer to fall asleep came about through a series of events that we were unable to prevent. First of all we had to keep her upper body elevated for half an hour after she finished eating because she'd upchuck if we didn't. (Alaskaboy could wear her in a baby carrier, but I couldn't.) Secondly, I had to use a breast pump after she did finish eating, so what better way to combine the two than pump while rocking her to sleep in her chair. (Then Alaskaboy could carry her into bed until I was recuperated enough to do so.) And finally, even after she had grown out of her upchuck episodes at about 4-6 months old, I was well beyond exhausted thanks to my sleep apnea. I hadn't recovered enough to try attachment parenting either.

With Alaskaboy gone anywhere from 12-16 hours per day, I used the quickest means necessary to get Kiddlywink to fall asleep, so that I could then drag my sorry arse to bed...often napping on the couch instead. Many times I'd wake up to Kiddlywink complaining that I'd fallen asleep mid-bounce...before she was asleep!

With this being the norm until beyond her first birthday, (we and) Kiddlywink developed her bedtime routine around the use of the bouncer. A couple of months ago we'd almost completed the first stage of transferring bedtime, by making it normal for her to be bounced in her bedroom rather than the lounge room, but then teeth started happening and her schedule went to shit.

Plus, we realised she wasn't emotionally ready for the transfer to falling asleep in her bed. Neither did I have the mental or emotional fortitude yet to deal with the potential screaming/crying. So why not wait a little longer to make the eventual transition easier on all of us? Waiting until she's ready worked for other developmental stages, hopefully it'll work with this one too.

I was rested enough a couple of weeks ago to start attempting Operation Bye-Bye Bouncer, but she was showing signs of cutting another pair of teeth. Everything I learned as a nanny plus all the current resources I've perused for tips on changing a child's routine suggests avoiding doing so while they're teething. Too much happening at once for them to concentrate on = bad juju.

The first night it worked like a dream. I read to her while we both sat on the rocking chair. Then she had some quiet time in her crib while I read some more. I even read a few pages of a novel while she read some of her own books to herself. There were a few crying fits I had to soothe, but then she went straight back into bed when she calmed down. We gave Blinky Bill umpteen kisses, and then she almost fell asleep but couldn't quite get there on her own and began to cry again in frustration. I hadn't expected her to do half as well as she had done already, so I picked her up and rocked us both in the rocking chair. Eventually she was relaxed, sleepy, and not quite comfy enough, so I hoped for the best and plopped her back into bed. And after a few strategic moves to get comfy, she was out like a light!

The next day was one of those nights where she simply refuses to sleep for anything other than a couple of brief spurts. (Have one of those every 6 weeks or so just before she has a mental or physical growth spurt. I guess every child's sleep regressions are different.) We'd also switched to a night shift schedule, another clue for us that she was ready for a change in the bedtime routine. Unfortunately the sleep regression meant she was overtired each time we tried to repeat the success of the previous night. Everything I did led to screaming and screaming, so after about half an hour of scream/soothe/read/scream/soothe/read/read/scream/soothe etc I admitted defeat when she got to the point of crying so hard she dry heaved. Thirty seconds in the bouncer and she was out cold.

Last night, she couldn't settle in the bouncer either so back into bed she went and as long as I leaned over the side of the crib breathing deeply and evenly at her, she was content to lay there till she fell asleep. She had a four hour nap during the night, was awake at an ungodly hour, then back in bed by 7:30am. Again, falling asleep in her own bed after a little time in the bouncer. In the bouncer she held a book against her mouth as she comfort-sucked her bottom lip. That made her Mama Bookworm VERY proud. LOL

Today I'm applying what I've learned from the last few days. Kiddlywink showed signs of stirring between 1:30 and 2pm, so I woke her up. (Much more reasonable than after 5pm!) This afternoon's nap, we got her ready for bed at the first sign of tiredness. (Yesterday it was easy, she very blatantly handed me a book and climbed into my lap to snuggle in.) I placed her into bed and read from the rocking chair. She lay in bed doing her comfort lip suck and almost fell asleep a few times while I read to her.

After awhile I left the room to bring in the card table so I could fold some clothes, unfortunately that was a mistake because she'd dropped off in the few seconds it took to get a drink of water and the table. Deservedly so, she was very cranky now, so I picked up her to soothe her tears and then back into bed she went. About two minutes later I could tell she wasn't going to fall asleep again on her own, so when she stopped the little test boo-hoo-hoos that she did, I picked her up and put her in the bouncer. (No way do I want to reinforce crying = bouncer!)

Instead of waiting until she was deeply asleep like we used to do, I picked her up out of the bouncer as soon as she was asleep. She disturbed, but this time she snuggled back into bed and fell asleep on her own after a few minutes. Hooray!

Gradually, cautiously, and above all else while keeping her relaxed about the process, we're implementing Operation Bye Bye Bouncer. Taking bits and bobs from all different sources and applying the advice that works for us and making up the rest as we go along. The most important lesson I'm learning as a parent is that sometimes kids can follow the advice books or what works for other people you know, and sometimes we've gotta figure it out together by ourselves.

Bonus is, when Operation Bye Bye Bouncer is eventually successful, I can then implement Operation A Little Extra Time To Get More Stuff Done!

Ten Things You May Not Know About Me.

2010-08-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the lovely Rita over at The Giggly Bits I've been in a bit of a tizz lately. Awhile back she tagged me and I was IT! But I then had to come up with ten things about me that a) you don't already know, b) I want the internets to know about, and c) that isn't boring as bat shit.

I hope I've manage to do that. But first.

* Thank my friend for giving me the award. Danke, Rita!
* Link back to the giver. I give you...The runningest Rita I know!
* Reveal 10 things about me. C'mon brain, we can do this!

1. During a round robin softball tournament, the team I played for was the only one to beat the team representing Japan.
2. As a child my dream was to grow up, fall in love, get married, have children and be a housewife. Mission accomplished.
3. As a young teen I used to cook dinner for my family and I'd dress the table up nice and then we'd eat by candlelight. Romantic candlelit dinners for the whole family. LOL
4. It took me a long time to realise that romance isn't flowers, candles, chocolates, loving odes etc. Romance is whatever my husband does that makes me feel special and/or melt into a big puddle of goo.
5. It's almost impossible for my husband to surprise me with something. Somehow, even without trying, something always occurs for me to figure it out beforehand. I have learned to keep my mouth shut if I do figure it out though.
6. I wish I could learn to scuba dive, but my slight claustrophobia prevents that happening. If science came up with a way to give us amphibious capabilities...sign me up!
7. I have a photo of me holding an actual Hugo award. It's above my desk. Alaskaboy taped a speech bubble to the frame that says, "I can haz a Hugo award!"
8. I wish I hadn't cared so much what other people thought/said about me as a child/teenager.
9. I'll give people the benefit of the doubt, but once I get to the point of no return, there's no going back. When you're wiped, you're wiped. I get that from my Dad's side of the family.
10. I hate to speak in public. Certain situations I'm fine, but put me in the spotlight and I freak out. I spent my wedding day happy but unnerved by all that attention.

And last but not least, I tag the gorgeous, Shauna!

Same Weight, Different Body.

2010-07-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

This month when I took my progress photos, I couldn't tell much difference in the two lots of swimsuit photos. The photos of me wearing jeans are a whole different kettle of fish though.

The top photo in each lot was taken on May 17th 2010.

The bottom photo in each group was taken on July 28th 2010.

In each of these photos I weigh exactly the same weight. 242.9 lbs.

That is the same pair of 18W jeans. The same weight on the scales. But in May I had to push and shove my lower belly into the jeans to get them to even come that far up. Today, yes there was still tugging, tucking and shoving, but there's a world of difference in the fit. And no, the jeans haven't stretched. In fact, they were washed and dried in between. In all probability that made them a little more snug than they were in May.

Scales shmales, I say!

Joy In Motion.

2010-07-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

So many diet books talk about finding ways to appreciate yourself, to even love yourself and your body. It's a shame that we have to find ways to love ourselves once more. I wish I'd never stopped loving myself in the first place. How do I know that I once loved myself? And with unreserved adoration at that! Because Kiddlywink has shown me just how wondrous I thought I was.

I usually don't pay much attention to the mirrored wardrobe doors in the bedrooms. I neither pass judgment on myself nor do much positive reinforcing anymore. They're simply a part of the room and my reflection comes and goes as I pass by. Now that Kiddlywink is old enough to run up and down, jump about, and dance on our bed, I see how she watches herself in the mirror as she moves.

She flirts with herself. She delights in the way her body moves. She even kisses herself through the mirror. In little ways and in blatant ways she adores herself. Her body is a source of wonder, joy, exhilaration and sometimes frustration, but always she loves it.

I always knew she'd be teaching us as much as we would be teaching her. Now I need to take a leaf out of her book and find joy in motion and in myself.

The New Normal.

2010-07-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

What has been normal for the past 18 months or so has been for me to do what little I can, while I can and then spend the rest of my time recuperating from that minimal effort. Now that I'm getting better rest once more, I find myself floundering a little. In some ways it's like I'm starting again in regards to healthy habits. I feel as if I'm learning all over again how to run a household, and since Kiddlywink has only seen me not well, it's almost like we're going back to her being a newborn again in regards to getting her and myself on some sort of schedule.

The kicker of it is, I don't have that rosy glow I used to get when I was still in diet mentality. You know what I mean, that first flush of excitement as you plot and plan your daily meals; the virtuous smile you get when you spot someone else "doing it wrong"; the rush of watching the first few pounds drop off in a matter of weeks. These days it's not a rush, more of a plod. I can't be arsed weighing/measuring any scrap of food, let alone every morsel, especially when I'm preparing meals for Kiddlywink as well.

In fact, it's preparing her meals that has made eating healthy feel real to me in a way it hasn't done in a long time. Last week, Alaskaboy and I had a fit of the lazies. When we were almost to the end of the week, it dawned on me that Kiddlywink had been eating from our plates, as is her wont, and she'd had a more unbalanced diet as a result. Then, horrified, I realised her actual meals had also been pretty piss poor because we hadn't been paying attention to what she'd eaten over the course of the day. We'd gone for what was easiest to let us continue being lazy.

The last few days I've concentrated on bringing up her nutrition levels, while ensuring I ate at least one healthy-ish meal per day. To simplify things a little for me since I didn't have the brain power right then to concentrate on my food as well as hers, there were also two days I tried following a meal plan from one of my low fat cookbooks. Even eating intuitively, I had eaten my "allowed" amount within eight hours of getting up. One, the calorie count is too low for me at the moment, and two, I'd snookered myself because it's PMS week.

So, the upshot of it all is, I'm trying to figure how to get us to a new normal. Slightly more scheduled days are better for a toddler. Intuitiveness is well and good, but it must also be tempered by a certain amount of scheduling. Am hoping our normal will eventually involve daily exercise, a few outings per week to prevent cabin fever, some form of housework/tidying per day, and more healthy home cooked meals than convenience products. Even, dare I say, some writing time could be in my future!

That's the bitch of it all, trying to find a workable, moderate solution that I can keep doing every day. Am hoping to get a fair bit of this sorted out before Kiddlywink grows out of her bouncer. That's gonna be a whole other challenge, getting her to fall asleep in her cot/crib.

The good, the bad and the hopeful.

2010-07-15T10:16:00.001-07:00

My dirty dozen challenge went by the wayside. It was ambitious of me to attempt that anyway, then Kiddlywink came down with a cold and Alaskaboy had two full weeks of work at the same time. Thus I ended up as rundown and exhausted as I was around New Year's time.

Last night, for the first time in approximately two years, I slept seven hours straight.

What bliss to conk out for the night then wake up with a painfully full bladder the next morning and head off to the toilet for that sweet "ahhh" of relief. Of course there are recent nights where I had to pee in between, but only the once per night. Now that I've had some good quality sleep, I've remembered what sleep used to be like. To be honest, I'd completely forgotten.

Nearly two weeks ago I got my CPAP machine. I got used to wearing it while watching a movie the first couple of nights, then used it for naps the two days after that. My first few full nights wearing the machine I only needed five hours of sleep. In five hours I was just as, or even a little more, rested than I'd been recently with 8-10 hours sleep plus two daily naps. After a few more days of this I was back to peeing only once per night, and actually getting 6-8 hours every night.

Unfortunately, prior to getting my cpap I'd gotten that run down that I had given myself an abscess in my bum crack. And then once that course of antibiotics were completed, and not taking enough probiotics while doing so, I gave myself a UTI. So, I wasn't feeling the full benefits of the sleep I was getting because I was also feeling slightly crapola from what I was fighting off.

BUT I shudder to think how I would have felt without the machine, because despite the infection I was feeling so much better than I have in a long time. Every family member and friend I've spoken to recently on the phone/Skype has commented how much more like myself I sound.

The most dramatic difference I think was for Alaskagirl. We last spoke when I'd gotten the machine but hadn't used it for sleep yet. Then they left for their usual short summer getaway. When they returned I'd had over a week's worth of good sleep. While I was speaking with her, I could even hear and feel the difference in our conversation myself. I wasn't struggling to sound peppier than I was feeling, I actually was that peppy.

I've even noticed I'm even finding it easier to breathe during the day. Alaskaboy figures that's because my lungs aren't straining to inhale all night long and thus are actually rested when I wake up in the morning.

Yesterday and today I've been suffering leg cramps. More than I've had in any 24 hour period for months now. My own fault though. I was feeling so much better I forgot about watching my potassium levels and forewent my gatorades, plus we ran out of bananas and avocadoes and I failed to buy more. I think I'd hoped that the leg cramps were only an oxygen deprivation problem and would miraculously disappear once I started getting sleep.

There's been an interesting side effect from getting more sleep. My weight or diet haven't changed, in fact I ate pretty crap the last few weeks, but my body has changed. I'm fitting clothes better. Some t-shirts are downright loose. I even had to tighten my bra straps by over a centimetre! There is one thing odd I hadn't realised I'd noticed a difference in until this week; my socks have started to slide on like they used to!

Knowing I still have to pay attention to possible leg cramps, plus my ability to have good sleep, once this spate of them settles down I'm hoping to be able to get back to regular exercise and see even more positive changes in my body.

There's still a lot of sleep debt to repay, but at least now I have a more valuable currency to work with. :)

June Challenge.

2010-06-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Now that the McFarty Challenge is completed. I'm motivated for a different challenge.

I'm going for a Dirty Dozen Challenge.

4 Weeks this month.
3 days per week.
45 minutes of exercise on each of those three days.

Since there's actually 4 and a bit weeks this month I suppose it's technically the Baker's Dirty Dozen Challenge. 13 workouts of 45 minutes each. Here's hoping to get more regular exercise in!

Oh, and we're planning on keeping up the McFarty Challenge this month too. Both Alaskaboy and I enjoyed the increased amount of legumes in our diet.

McFarty Challenge Recap.

2010-06-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

For the whole challenge, I ate more fish than I'd planned. I was disappointed that on one of the days of fear eating this week that I didn't eat any legumes at all. But, considering there was more than one day over the challenge that I ate legumes at least twice in a single day, I'm actually counting this as a successful challenge. (I also wasn't going to shove in some legumes JUST to say I'd eaten them. Did enough overeating with other things, thanks very much!)

For several days we'd misplaced the camera, and then there was some fear eating days where I didn't take photos.

Sunday 16th:

Monday 17th:

Tuesday 18th:

Wednesday 19th:

Thursday 20th: Lost the camera, but did have leftover dhal poured over broccoli, with toast on the side.

Friday 21st: lost camera. Bean salad.

Saturday 22nd: lost camera. Bean salad.

Sunday 23rd: lost camera. tuscan beans.

Monday 24th: dhal with lunch.

Tuesday 25th: baked beans with breakfast

Wednesday 26th: red bean buns with brunch.

Started fear eating. Half a Costco-sized cheese pizza over the rest of the day.

Thursday 27th: Did NOT have legumes today at all.

Friday 28th:Red bean buns.

Saturday 29th: bean salad.

Sunday 30th: Finished the last of the bean salad.

Monday 31st: Minestrone soup for dinner.

Sleep Study Results Ar In!

2010-05-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

I've got Severe Sleep Apnea. In every 30 second window I only breathe 2-4 times. The rest of that 30 seconds is spent trying to breathe, and failing. Sheesh. No wonder I'm exhausted!

We're now waiting for my insurance company to give their approval for me to have the cpap machine. When that's approved a medical supply company will come out and set me up with my new bestest friend.

The difference between the graph when I was sleeping without wearing the machine and the graph from when I was wearing it...amazing! It explains why that hour and a half sleep I got while wearing the machine actually felt like 3-5.

Really hoping the insurance company approves it soon.

Can't blame this binge on PMS.

2010-05-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I started to struggle.

The euphoria from being able to workout on the Wii Fit ebbed and my annoyance with its focus on BMI grew. I wish there was a way to put the default screen to show Fit Credits instead of BMI. As it is, every time I log in, I watch my graph go up and down, all the while trending upwards. The first two weeks it had trended down a whole five pounds, then all of a sudden I was back up two and a half pounds. (There's a reason I switched to only weighing once a month!)

I let the scale do my head in and I cracked the shits. Monday and Tuesday were binge days. Not huge amounts of food like I used to eat, but certainly more than I eat these days. Eating without being hungry also took place. And I binged on a t.v. series marathon.

But, being angry at the scale was only part of the issue. I'd had too much caffeine which kept me awake for twenty four hours. Plus, I was furious that I'd need to have the sleep study, and even if I lose weight, there's no guarantee that I'll get off the machine again.

Sadness. Frustration. Anger. Fear. These are the four major emotions that I hide behind a shield of food.

This evening after a long tiring day where everything I did seemed to be the wrong thing to do or say, I had a short nap on the couch. It refreshed me slightly and soothed my headache and neck ache enough that I could finally give in and cry. You see, I'd forgotten two key lessons I learned a long time ago.

(The following two excerpts come from a post I wrote back on the 2nd of May, 2007. I'm only including the points that are pertinent for me to be reminded of today.)

1) The scales:
"The number on the scale lies you see. It said I've gained only a little. But what does that mean really? All the scales can tell me is the gross weight of my body. Just like I was a packet of sausages you'd buy at the butchers. It doesn't tell me my “nutritional breakdown” ie how much fat, lean meat, water, fillers etc are within my casing. But, unlike that packet of sausages, I'm more than the sum of my parts.

Scales (mine at least) don't show that I've lost muscle tone and gained some fat over the last four weeks. My clothes and the mirror show me that.

The scale doesn't tell me how I'm progressing with my healthy lifestyle. The amount of time I spend doing activities other than binge eating or obsessing about food are a better gauge of that.

A set of scales has no clue about how much improvement I've made in learning to deal with the situations in my life, and my emotions about them. My family, friends and myself are the reflection of my emotional balance."

2) Emotions: "In the earlier half of the month I was cheating. I assumed that because I had acknowledged that I was scared, angry, fearful etc that I was done with those emotions. Acknowledging them isn't always enough. I have a full range of both positive and negative emotions. That's what makes me more than a sack of meat. And if I want to continue to be more than my organic compounds, I need to feel those emotions. Express them. Not hide behind an intellectual analysis of how I'm feeling.

Feel my emotions. Release them. Laughing, crying, shouting... these are all things that are easy to do when happy. But, to cry, shout, quiver, punch an inanimate object, or however you express yourself when angry, that's considered a lack of control.
Myself personally, I've come to consider it a better expression of control if those emotions can be expressed. Especially if it's in a constructive, rather than destructive way. Pressure needs to be released, else the system explodes. Many machines are built with safety valves in them. We have one too. Our emotions. "

I released another bit of the pressure today with my crying fit. I'm betting there's more to come. Hopefully I can let it out as it needs to be, instead of bottling it up so tight.

Week Two Recap: McFart Challenge.

2010-05-15T23:37:00.001-07:00

Nary a glimpse of hummus this week. But oy vey, the bean salad. I was hooked on it!

Day 8: Started off the week with a Japanesy-hawaiianish meal; edamame, Asian-style coleslaw and a pineapple teriyaki, ahi tuna, rice noodle and veg stir fry.
Day 9: A lebanon bologna, havarti, miracle whip and cucumber sandwich with bean salad.
Days 10 and 11 were bingeish days and I couldn't be bothered taking photos. Funny how those two seem to go hand in hand. But I did eat bean salad on each day.

Day 12: Yep, more bean salad. Along with a roast chicken and salad sandwich plus watermelon.
Day 13: A simple classic, baked beans egg and toast.
and in the evening a bean salad, tuna, avocado, sun dried tomatoes and pasta salad.
And to give me two weeks McFarted, beef and bean tacos.

And I ate fish three times this week, there was another meal of the pineapple teriyaki ahi tuna stirfry. This time with wheat noodles and slightly different vegetables

Tonight.

2010-05-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

Events moved faster than anticipated, and I'm having my sleep study done this evening.
Wish me luck!

Challenge update and a WooHoo Moment.

2010-05-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

Funny thing, it worked out that I ended up eating chickpeas in various forms six days out of the seven.

Day One: We had a picnic lunch.

Day Two: Was a chickpea salad.

Day Three: This falafel sandwich I threw in my face after arriving back from shopping absolutely starving.

Day Four: Lunch was falafels. Dinner? Mmm, mexican food! Black beans and rice on tacos.

Day Five: Leftover black beans and rice mashed with egg and breadcrumbs then made into a burger.

Day Six: A snackish kind of day.

Day Seven: Starters and some pasta.

We'd planned a few different meals, but the days didn't always play out like we'd hope and often it was go with the easiest legume option possible. It helped that the start of this challenge coincided with one of our hummus kicks. ;)

I also exceeded my fish expectations for the week. :)
On Day Two I was really in the mood for fish, at lunch and dinner time.:

I'm elated, despite being slightly sore, to announce. . .this evening I walked 2 miles. WOOHOO! I haven't done that since just before I got pregnant. I'm also very excited that even with taking it nice and slow it only took us 57 minutes to do it. I'd expected it would take over an hour. :)

Cooking With Kada!

2010-05-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

(Double posted at Kada Noms, my food photo blog.)

One of my favourite pasta dishes I learned to cook as a chef is Penne Pasticciate: chicken, mushrooms, avocado, pesto, cream, and a dash of Napoli sauce. When I was in the midst of hard core calorie counting, there was no way I would ever make that dish or Quattro Formaggi. So, I figured out a way make it lower fat. I used fat free cream cheese and fat free evaporated milk in place of the cream, and added a couple of finely chopped sundried tomatoes on a whim when we had no pesto.

Over the years, once I switched to intuitive eating and stopped counting calories, I've slowly perfected the balance of flavours. It no longer resembles a pasticciate but instead has come to be its own dish. Creamy Chicken and Vegetable Pasta. It's become our Go To dish when we want some lusciously rich and creamy pasta rather than a tomato-based sauce. It also doesn't leave the lingering fatty aftertaste I find I get these days from cream-based sauces.

Figuring some of you out there might like to try it, I finally took the time to measure out the ingredients, rather then going by eye.

And, here's the recipe.
(Serves three-six, depending on your appetite and if you eat it by itself or have sides with it.)

1 organic* chicken breast, diced small
half a pound of mushrooms**, chopped
1 medium onion, chopped
3-5 garlic cloves, sliced, chopped, crushed, however you like it.
sundried tomatoes in oil and herbs, approx 10-15 halves, chopped (about 1/3C chopped)
1 tub chive and onion cream cheese
1 can fat free evaporated milk
1 avocado, chopped
Whatever shape pasta you like to eat, cooked to your preference. (Although, angel hair and small macaroni tend to get lost in the sauce, and pappardelle and gnocchi are too rich, plus have the wrong mouth feel.) We've successfully used farfarlle, penne, spaghetti, fettuccine, linguine, radiatori, spirelli, gemmeli and many more.

*Often when using Tyson's/Foster Farms/non-organic I'd have to use 1.5-2 breasts because they pump them that full of broth there's not enough meat when the liquid all cooks out.
**baby portabellas in this case, regular buttons will do.
(LOL The garlic WAS resting on the can, but fell down between it and the mushroom container.)

Step 1: melt 1Tbs olive oil and 2tsp butter in a frying pan/skillet. Add mushrooms and onion and cook until onion starts to go translucent and mushrooms are half cooked...only just starting to go brown.

Step 2: Add the chicken, tomatoes and garlic. Cook until chicken is half cooked..still a little pink in some spots.

Step 3: Throw in the evaporated milk and cream cheese, then stir to combine. Have to get in there and smoosh up the cream cheese really good with your spoon. One it starts to bubble, turn to low heat. The milk can stick on the bottom and burn, if the flame's too high.

Step 4: You're ready to add the avocado when the sauce is halfway to coating consistency. i.e. It hangs on the spoon a bit but still mostly drips off.

Then plop in those delish green morsels. Like olives, avocados get added towards the end, we only want to heat them through, else they go bitter.

Step 5: When the sauce gets to coating consistency it's time to add the pasta.

Step 6: It may or may not need another minute or two to really get the sauce coating the pasta. Once it gets to the point when stirring it around parts the waves, so to speak, it's done.

Step 7: Use a pair of tongs to pull out the pasta and put it in pasta bowls or on plates, then divide the remaining meat/veg/sauce between them. (Little restaurant secret for dishing up good looking piles of pasta.)

Buon Appetito!

Non-Scale Victory.

2010-05-05T07:43:00.000-07:00

My post-caeserean non-scale victories have been a little more basic than any physical ones in the past. I've gradually increased the distance I walk in the pool. I've begun to be able to swim very short distances again. I've moved into a slightly shallower area of the pool for my pool walking, which increases the weight I'm actually bearing. I've also increased the speed at which I walk, driving through the water now instead of gingerly ambling along.

Yesterday, because we rushed out of the house in time to get to the pool before they closed for cleaning, we only had limited time to get any exercise in. That's minor NSV One; previously we would have said, "Fuck it, it's too late, let's go tomorrow."

I got in the pool with forty minutes til closing time. Kiddlywink was snoozing in her stroller/pram on the side, where I could keep an eye on her, and knowing a) she could wake up any second and b) time was of the essence, I pushed myself harder than I've done since her birth.

I busted out 700 yards in 25 minutes. That put me on target to complete a mile in 60 minutes. Ten minutes faster than any previous mile. Although, I'm sure if I'd kept going it probably would have only ended up a minute or two faster, but still!

Then, we had a full day of grocery shopping, errands, cooking, and no naps. Then, sometime around 9:30pm I felt the need to do some more exercise. Not in reaction to what I'd eaten during the day, but because my body felt like it had been shortchanged on exercise. So, I got out the wii fit and proceeded to do the Wii Fit Plus training routine/Lifestyle/Warm up. Something I have done several times and enjoyed since we purchased it. THEN! I did one that has intimidated me the last few weeks, Wii Fit Plus training routine/Health/Over-Indulged. It's a more intense cardio workout and two minutes longer than the Warm-Up one. But for some reason I'd been terrified to even try it! Somehow I had it in my head that I couldn't do it.

Wait a minute! Late last year I was so thrilled when I achieved the NSV of being able to walk down a flight of stairs gingerly, but in the normal one foot in front of the other fashion. Now, here I am, not only doing that scary routine, but completing it in the same day that I'd done my fastest pool walk yet. And to do so...actually avoiding watching the last ever episode of a series we'd been watching on Netflix recently. And THEN helping with some more chores before we went to bed.

I'm a little sore in my ankles and lower half of my calves this morning, other than that I seem to be okay. A little woozy. That's my own fault though. I was so excited to share the news, I had to get up after not enough sleep and tell you. Now I'm back off to bed.

EditedToAdd: Nope. Didn't go back to bed just yet. Felt good enough to stay up and make a large batch of banana pancakes.

Recall for Children's Pain Relief Medicine.

2010-05-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

I know there are some of you out there with young'uns, so I thought I better pass it on just in case, like me, you hadn't heard yet.

Don't know how many of you this will affect, but I came across this today quite by chance. Sadly, every single opened and unopened bottle we have of Children's Tylenol and Motrin has to be recalled.

Don't know if anything any of you have will be affected but here's the info just in case: Pain Medicine Recall Link.

30 Day Farty McFarty Challenge.

2010-05-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've had a challenge of some kind. In light of that, I'd like to start things off slowly. This is a physical challenge, but not in the usual sense. There'll be no committing to certain amounts of exercise a certain number of times per week, I'm just not up for that, yet.

What I am up for is adding in more types of protein to my diet. With organic chicken and turkey so expensive, and my inability to eat organic pork, that leaves me eating a lot of beef and cheese for my protein. Both are good sources of saturated fat. While my cholesterol is all fine, my triglycerides are elevated, according to my very recent physical.

I've been trying to think of ways to reduce the saturated fats in my diet. I didn't realise it, but while pregnant I switched to cooking mostly with butter, it tasted so much better than the olive oil, and I've continued that practice. Cutting down the amount of butter I use is helping, I'm sure. This last week, I'm back to sauteing in olive oil. Today our toaster oven broke, so I toasted my sandwich in a skillet like I do on occasion....but without any butter on the outside of the bread. It toasted up deliciously!

Yesterday I thought of a new way. Nothing crazy! I'll include more legumes in my diet. So here we are with the Farty McFarty Challenge. A 30 day challenge to eat one meal every day that includes legumes.

I'll be trying to eat a new legume recipe once per week. I'd also like to include a fish meal once a week. However, I'm not setting myself up to fail if life gets busy. Those last two are merely things I'd like to do, time permitting, not part of the challenge itself. Why, yes, I have learnt something from all those previous challenges. LOL

Sticking With It.

2010-05-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

I've had an emotionally tumultuous week. Every day this week I've sat down to write a post about how blah I'm feeling. How sad I am that crap is happening with my extended family. How Nan is getting older and more infirm, as is Scruffy, and I may not see them again in person before they die. How I'm worried for my mum and wish I could be there to help her with Nan's decline, and help in a general sense as well. How playing degrees of separation with the blog rolls of people on my blog roll has led me not to inspiration like I'd been searching for but to jealousy and sadness. Instead of writing those posts, I've talked to my husband and done a lot of thinking, and some emotional eating.

Usually when I start feeling like this, and bemoaning my lack of readers or at least feeling jealous of all the comments other people get, it's because I'm avoiding another issue; I'm scared of something I don't want to face. Also it's usually a large hint that I'm getting cabin fever and in need of social contact. On the other hand, I've been feeling happy about how much and what kinds of activities I've been able to do on the Wii Fit.

At a few points in the doctor's office my voice became quavery as I held back my tears while we discussed my sleep history and need to have a sleep study done. Part of what I've been bottling up lately is my deep-seated hatred of all the medical yuckness that has happened to me in recent years. Possibly having to have a CPAP machine represents all of that.

Not only am I slightly claustrophobic and worried about how I'll cope with actually wearing the machine, not to mention making it to the toilet in time of a night if I have to delay to take off the mask, but I'm frightened that my body may never be normal again. And that, my friends, is what I've been avoiding. Reading all those blogs where the women have worked hard and had success, despite whatever has been going on in their lives at the time, only made me feel more angry and afraid. Pleased for them, but also jealous that they could lose their excess one hundred pounds in 1-3 years.

I'm so frustrated and sick and tired of working so hard only to have things happen TO me, things out of my control, which have these awful effects on my body. Effects that even IF I lose the weight may or may not disappear. Years ago I thought it was a simple solution, deal with my emotional issues, lose weight, get on with life. The point that I nearly lost it completely with the sleep doctor, was when I got up the courage to ask the hard question, "Because this came on while I was pregnant, and I'm anatomically predisposed to having sleep apnea, does this mean even when I lose a significant amount of weight, this may not go away?"

That's right. Even if I lose weight. Even if my life is so much better in many other ways, I may still have sleep apnea and my body may still be numb, and I may still have incontinence. The pity party started the minute I got home, as did the battle with my need to spew out into the blogosphere all of the awful things I was feeling. Instead, I went hunting for validation and hope, but found only my own inadequacies.

But then, I clicked on a link that Shauna had included in her Friday Link Feast. Reading that article, plus the pressure of all the positive things I'd achieved recently, turned me around to face a new direction. A new realisation. There are probably people out there who are just as jealous about the good fortune I have in my life. My medical issues could have been so much worse. I could have died, not only with the pregnancy but also with the antibiotic reaction. I could have died and Kiddlywink may never have existed. Every thing after that epiphany is gravy!

It's also the start of a new month. The days are getting longer. It's another month closer to December. This month my baby girl turns one! Alaskaboy and I'll be celebrating our seventh anniversary. And Mother's Day is next weekend.

That epiphany doesn't negate my feelings, but it's giving me a different perspective on how to work through them. Instead of being AS afraid of the CPAP machine, I'm at least now wondering how much my quality of life will improve once I'm getting more sleep. I know how much more alive and in the moment I feel now than I did in January...in 4-6 weeks, once we get the approval from our insurance, perhaps I'll feel a whole lot better again.

I've also switched to reading and thinking about other women that I know and admire, Shauna among them, who also took many years to lose their weight and did so despite physical and mental ailments during the process. Up and downs are part of my life. Those other new blogs/women I found were fortunate to be able to lose their weight so quickly. Good for them. I wasn't so fortunate in that way. BUT! I'm still here, alive and able to continue my journey. I'd forgotten that important fact.

This fabulous post over at Did I Just Eat That Out Loud also helped me realise that the journey is about having the heart to continue, even when it gets difficult beyond imagining.

Unlike the Tin Man, I do have a heart. Unlike the Lion, I do have courage. Those, along with my brain, plus my support network, will see me through: No matter HOW long it actually takes. LOL

April 25th Australian Time: ANZAC Day

2010-04-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old; Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning We will remember them. Never forgotten, always in our hearts. Lest We Forget

Two posts in one day!

2010-04-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

Lulled by how quiet she'd been for so long, I forgot to stay away from the quarantine area.

First, it was a whispered comment here and there as I passed by the door.
Then, like a cook does to frogs in a pot of cold water, she began to slowly increase the heat.
Eventually, she was murmuring a running commentary.

Under cover of this white noise, there was rattling of the cage walls whenever my attention was elsewhere.
As sure as night follows day, poking and prodding of the security system came next.
Seeing me passing by on such a regular basis, the guards began to lapse in their vigilance.
All too soon she had befriended them and she could come and go as she pleased.

Content for the moment, she revelled in her freedom, tagging along quietly in my wake.
Soon, the whispering began again.
Gentle nudges, blowing in an ear, pointing out pertinent sights, all of this and more followed as each success emboldened further efforts to guide me into seeing and doing only what she wanted.
Like any experienced rider, the accoutrements were all fitted into place in good order, then she mounted up.
And kept a firm seat.

Until today.
Somehow the bit was between my teeth and I ran with the unexpected freedom of it all.
With every drop of sweat that formed, her grip on the reins loosened.
With every inhale and exhale, she became closer to being unseated.
With every successful completion of a new activity, my confidence grew.

When I came to a halt, glorious in my rosy glow, my legs a tremble, and sucking in a well-earned drink, I realised a weight on my back had indeed come unstuck.

No wonder I've been dragging lately. I've been piggybacking LSED* everywhere I go!

I've known for years now that my confidence is bolstered by my strong body and good health. I didn't truly realise a major part of my self-concept relies on my good health and strong body. First the antibiotic reaction, then the birth aftermath, no wonder LSED was able to get out of her cage after I'd shoved here in so tight she could barely move.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my increasing fitness with the activities I have been doing, but like so many things--with LSED's help, no doubt--mostly all I could see was how far I'd fallen from my previous abilities. Step-Aerobic-type exercise has been out of the picture for years now. Chances for nearly instant gratification for small challenges has been almost nonexistent also.

Ever since the first trimester of my pregnancy I've felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards. I'd worked so hard to improve from the antibiotic and there I was having to curb myself while my body did this other completely amazing and wonderful thing all on its own.

But now! I feel like all those painfully tiny steps I've been taking for so long have finally come together to be a noticeable and quantifiable progression forward.

As for LSED? She's gone into hiding. Looks like I'll need to keep building my strength and stamina for the upcoming hunt and recapture! {grin}

*For the latecomers, LSED = Low Self Esteem Demon

Wake Up To Yourself.

2010-04-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those moments where you feel like the universe/god/whoever is giving you a big kick in the pants to say "Wake up and pay attention!"?

The last few months I was doing well; exercising regularly, not sleeping great but certainly sleeping better than I had in months, eating properly and then as the wedding approached, came, then went, I kinda slacked off a little. I didn't have my usual daily naps while away on vacation, plus then we got sick so I was sleeping even less. I ate a little more than I should have and didn't walk as much as I'd planned to.

The positive side of this, the scale only shows a 0.8 lb gain since February.
The downside of this, I'm exhausted again. Not quite as bad as in January, but I've undone some of the good work I did earlier this year.

I also sort of blew off the sleep study I'm supposed to have done. The week before we left for vacation I called to make sure the doctor's office faxed through the referral to the sleep specialist...but I didn't call to ensure it had arrived. I figured, if it was meant to be, it'd arrive. Besides my sleep had improved so much that surely I'd lose enough weight soon enough that the apnea would disappear, right? So, I could wait till we got back to set up the appointment.

We got back, and I put off calling.

And delayed some more.

And shrugged off Alaskaboy's suggestions to call.

Then on Saturday we received a card in the mail.

Years ago as we were first starting to get to know one another, J, a friend of Alaskaboy's mysteriously stopped talking to the whole group of friends. Alaskaboy and I have some theories on why, but we never found out the real reason. J, refused to tell anyone what was going on despite numerous attempts to find out.

The card came from his mother, who we've kept in contact with over the years.

At the ripe old age of 45, J, had died.

Now, he was a larger man who didn't take care of his health very well, but it also came to light in the past couple of days--at least to us--that he had suffered from sleep apnea.

Ironic, really. In one way, we're pretty sure, my appearance in Alaskaboy's life was partly the catalyst for their friendship breaking up, and yet J's now been the catalyst for me getting off my bum and getting truly serious about getting healthy. Part of the binge on the weekend was due to the shock at knowing J was dead, the rest was my more usual post-holiday and premenstrual stuff. But once it truly sunk in, the binge stopped cold turkey. And then I set about thinking of ways to improve my health as quickly as possible.

We bought the Wii Fit Plus, who cares if it's a little more expensive right now, I NEED it.
I contemplated going to weight watchers for a few months to get the weight to drop off...but I don't have the time or energy for their system, and I want the weight to stay off, not a diet I'll rebound from.
I'm back to watching my portion sizes, eating more fruits and veggies and drinking enough water.
I called the sleep doctor and then called my doc's office to get them to fax through the referral letter a third time.
Not sure what I'll do if it fails to go through yet again.

Any one else have moments where something has made you realise how much you're kidding yourself on a particular subject?

Wii're a better fit now?

2010-04-19T12:49:00.000-07:00

One of the things I had been worrying about prior to our Easter vacation, stairs, proved to be a help rather than a debacle. Both Dr Kay and Alaskagirl have stairs in their homes. Technically, Mom and Dad do too, but since they only lead down into the basement, they're avoidable. Alaskagirl's stairs I could NOT avoid, because the main living area is the middle level and the toilets are on the upper floor and in the basement. Surprisingly, the very few times I peed myself were actually my own fault for not getting up and going at the first urge. Video games and good conversations have always tended to make me hang on as long as possible. That, coupled with the abdominal pressure of using stairs...as I said, my own fault.

What the regular use of stairs did do is give me some more muscle tone in my legs. It's not obvious, but somethings are easier than they were. The scales also show a gain even though my clothes are fitting a little better. All indicators that I'm putting on muscle mass. Hooray! What also helped me to gain muscle, despite my negative review of it last February, was Alaskagirl's Wii Fit.

Some of the games were much easier now that I'm not pregnant. Some were harder due to my new issues of numbness etc. What became more and more apparent as the weeks passed, is that I'm now in one of the target groups the Wii Fit is aiming for. I'm not strong enough or fit enough to attempt even an aerobics video warm up section. I am fit enough to swim a little plus do walking, but I know doing strength training will also help improve my fitness faster. But again, I'm not strong enough to do any affective amounts of repetitions. Enter the Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus.

The Wii Fit Plus has several new games that I can actually do. Games that work my cardiovascular system and my muscles in short bursts that can be increased as I get fitter. Games that I showed improvement on, even during the short time we were there. I still really dislike the negative chatter. I still think the inability to string together workouts sucks. But, hey, at the moment I'm barely capable of finishing the three minute segments, so that's not really a factor. I don't like to admit it, but in many ways my body is now like a beginning exerciser. And as "they" say, every little bit helps.

Since they're hard to find now; are even more expensive than the usual retail price at the few places they are available; and ESPECIALLY in light of the excess almost-one-thousand dollars we hadn't planned on spending during the trip, we fiercely debated getting one. Eventually the pros outweighed the cons, and we ordered a Wii Fit Plus yesterday.

Besides, come Christmas time when we go back, I want to be able to be in the running with the games I was able to play this time, and even participate in fun games I haven't yet been able to play. Competitive, me? Why, yes! Although, I think even the world's least competitive person would find it the slightest bit depressing when their four year old niece, without help from grown ups or an older child, scores better than them!

Heading Home.

2010-04-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

After an extra week here, being unable to fly on our original return date due to having colds, we're returning home this evening.
We're at that weird point where we don't want to go home, but we're also ready to get back to our own home and routine.
Despite the blahness of the cold, it's been fabulous, as usual, catching up with this branch of the clan.
Looking forward to catching up on all the blogs/news that I've missed out on during the last three weeks.

Easter Vacay!

2010-03-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Apologies to those I owe emails to! We've been really hectic lately. Alaskaboy got some unexpected work, we had Aunt and Uncle Traveller visit, normal busyness plus getting ready for a plane ride with a little one. To add to the fun, yesterday, Kiddlywink puked into her stroller more puke that it should have been possible to hold in her body. Cue frantic running around trying to find something to get rid of the smell, instead of the other necessary stuff that we'd allotted to do yesterday afternoon.

All Hail, Alaskagirl! Suggester Of Nature's Miracle! We sprayed one coat on in the early evening, after using a fan to dry out the vinegar/water solution we'd tried first. A second coat was spritzed on just before bed. Hardly any smell was left this morning. We're hoping by evening it'll be dry enough to use, plus neither vomit stinky nor Nature's Miracle scented! Excellent qualities for spending time in airports with a sensitive baby nose up close and personal.

I hope to find time to blog while we're gone. Am sure there'll be stuff to talk about in the lead up to the wedding, especially after the dress fitting. {sigh} It's a bummer when you lose weight, and everything firms up, thus making certain parts, that didn't need to be, broader than they were before!

We're off to stay with Alaskaboy's parents for a few days, then to another state for Dr Kay's wedding, and back to stay with Alaskagirl, BeeMaN, DuoLoq and Browneyedgirl. Poor Browneyed girl, she's been saying for days already, "I want to see them NOW!"

IF I don't catch up with yas before then, Have a happy chocolate day! Err.. I mean, Easter.

Progress!

2010-03-15T10:42:00.001-07:00

I know these aren't really fair comparison shots, considering the angles are so different, but I felt it was time to post a POSITIVE update.

In these two photos taken in mid-January 2010, I'm wearing a maternity swimsuit top, size XXL and the bottoms are regular plus-size, size 26W/28W. (Granted they're starting to get baggy, but they still fit. The top is also tucked into the bottoms.)
By the end of February I HAD to go out and buy a new pair of bathers. The others had reached the point of ridiculousness beyond which the next stage was falling off! In these two photos taken in early-March, I'm wearing a regular plus-size swimsuit top, size 22W and the bottoms are regular plus-size 20W/22W.

This following swimsuit is the one I wore before I got pregnant. It's a regular-sized one, US18/AU22/UK20. Again I know, not fair comparisons because the angles are different, but there are certain areas that you can slightly tell the difference. Especially my feet. LOL

These two photos were taken early-September 2009. I weighed 250+lbs. I had to have Alaskaboy's help to wriggle into the swimsuit. The suit was stretched to maximum capacity and the straps dug into my shoulders, painfully .

These two photos were taken this morning. I got the suit on unaided and easily. I weigh approx 240lbs. (A month ago I weighed 245lbs. Even though our scales went on the fritz shortly after, I know I've lost weight/inches since.) I now understand what Shauna meant, when she wrote--and I paraphrase--at such a large weight, even taking off a fair bit of weight, it really doesn't show up yet.

I've lost a whole stone, and I can barely see any changes!
Other, more important to me than weight-on-the-scale, forms of progress:
-I know I'm making progress because I'm fitting into clothes that I wore during my first trimester. And I do mean fitting. Wearing the elastic waist slacks, I can sit on the couch then bend over to tie my shoelaces up, and continue to breathe while doing so!
-My parents have also noticed a difference in the way my belly hangs while sitting on the couch and talking via Skype. (But how much of that is weight loss progress and how much is tightening up as my body readjusts from giving birth?)
-I now pool walk 1 mile in an hour and ten minutes as opposed to the hour I would take to pool walk 1 kilometre back in December.
-In February I swam freestyle non-stop, unsupported, for ten lengths of the ten yard pool, or 100yards. In December I could manage one and a half lengths of the 25 yard pool, or 37.5yards, with a noodle under my belly for support.
-In November, it took me 29 minutes to walk 1.084 miles, and I was buggered. I can now walk the same distance in 26 minutes and feel comfortably tired.
-Using the frontmost set of steps near the pool, I can walk down to our mailbox, collect the mail, then walk back up the stair--one foot in front of the other without holding onto the rails--and only slow down a little 2-3 steps from the top. I'm puffed when I get to the top, but I can walk up them without thinking about it too much.

One day I hope to get back to swimming a full kilometre, and even better my PB for that distance. But for now, I'm congratulating myself on progress as I make it. As I've learned from watching Kiddlywink, a little bit of exercise every day soon turns into big steps you couldn't even dream about when you started those first little motions. (Is quite amazing watching how her body instinctively builds up her muscles for the next stage of her physical development.)

So many things to talk about: Part Quattro.

2010-03-11T02:00:00.000-08:00

For those that missed the earlier installments: Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

It was awful, laying there beside my husband, in the fragile peace we'd spent all day brokering, knowing what I was about to say would create a whole different set of discord. How to tell the man who had been far more caring of me and my feelings, more patient, more loving and more sensitive than many other husbands would ever dream of being, that despite all that wonderfulness it was, ironically, his innate honesty that was hurting me the most?

Exhausted from what we'd already been through and how late Kiddlywink had stayed up, I ended up involuntarily blurting out, "I HATE my body!" Then I spent the next five minutes dissolving into a puddle of snot. Ever cried so hard you wanted to puke? I cried so hard that when it came time to stop it was like I was a kid all over again, making that horrible "fehFEHfeh" noise when you spasmodically suck your bottom lip into your mouth and take great shuddering breaths.

Me! The advocate of loving your body and being kind to yourself, hated my own body. I loathed it. And unlike fat, which is something you're "s'posed" to be able to do something about if you don't like it, I didn't know if the things I detested would ever be fixed. Me, the great solver of problems had met a problem I couldn't solve.

This is your Too Much Information warning. I'm going to talk, in explicit detail, about the postpartum physical problems my body is going through and my feelings and mental issues on the subject. If you don't wish to continue reading, fair enough, I'll see you on a later post.

The problem with getting enough sleep, is that I could no longer ignore my postpartum trauma. Sure, I'd logically discussed it with many people, I'd even had a sobfest or seven. More importantly though, I hadn't dealt with what had happened, what was continuing to happen, and what may or may not potentially happen in the future. Now I had the energy to deal with it, but not the desire. Funny how something which seems bad at the time ends up being a catalyst for something good? Alaskaboy's elephant had been noticed, and it led us on a merry chase to where I was forced to turn around and confront my own pesky pachyderm.

For those that aren't aware let me try to explain how my body has been affected.
Over the whole area from the bottom of my bra line to the tips of my toes, I have completely altered sensation. Any of you ever worn a wetsuit? Imagine that entire area is coated in a layer of neoprene. Like when wearing a wetsuit, I can feel that something is touching me, but nothing subtler than that. If I concentrate enough I can usually figure out what's happening, but I do have to concentrate...and often it's a guess based on information I'm getting from my other senses.
Add to that the weird, numb sensation you get when a body part is not quite all the way asleep yet. My outer two toes and parts of the soles of my feet are totally numb..which makes walking fun sometimes.
Add to that difficulty differentiating temperature differences and odd sensations caused by this. e.g. Sometimes walking on cool carpet feels like the carpet is wet.
Add to that the usual post c-section stuff. Complete numbness from belly button to bottom of pubic mound, even the labia and clitoral hood are mostly numb. (Thank god the clitoris still works...mostly) Weakened abdominal muscles etc
Add to that the usual postpartum vaginal differences...dryness, thinner skin, weaker pelvic floor etc.
Add to that a ventral hernia.
Add to that loss of muscle tone and weight gain from surgical recovery.
Add to that sacroiliac joint pain and weakness.
Add to that sleep apnea.
Add to that incontinence.

All of this and I'd done everything you're supposed to do in order to have a healthy pregnancy and easy delivery! For god's sake I was in the pool working out two days before delivery! While I was busily dying!

And therein was the crux of the matter. Despite all that I was going through, I felt awful for even thinking of feeling anything other than relieved to have a healthy, happy baby and grateful that I was alive. There were plenty of women/families who had it far worse than me. Who was I to bitch and moan about what was wrong when I had so much to be thankful for?

The problem with that though is it's not only black or white thinking but also Should thinking. And Should is a bad, bad word. Why did my gratefulness and relief have to preclude those other feelings? Why would feeling those things make my gratefulness and relief any less than their true depth? Just like Alaskaboy's problem, failing to talk about it only made the issue far worse by the time we eventually got around to discussing it. He'd betrayed me by not giving me the chance to fix it and failing to be honest about what was truly going on, and I did the same to him.

By caring about what I "should" be doing or feeling, I wasn't completely honest with him the very few times we've had sex since I gave birth. By not being honest I made the situation worse. Sure I was honest about the mechanics of it all; what hurt, what was okay, when we had to stop because I couldn't go any more, what didn't do it for me any longer etc. What I wasn't honest about was how I felt.

How I died a little on the inside when he'd grimace at the taste of the milk that remains in my breasts. A double psychological wound. It's the same face Kiddlywink pulled the last time I breastfed her and my milk had finally given up the ghost. Sure there's not enough there to feed my daughter, but there's enough to make my husband find me less enjoyable. (Poor bugger tried to hid it once he was aware of the problem, but it must be awful stuff because he still reacts in subconscious ways.)
How awful it feels putting weight on my numb knees.
How painful it is to be flat on my back.
How hard it is to hold myself in any position that allows for sex to occur.
How I would have to force myself to relax and how I dreaded the way my hips would cramp in the lead up to, or even during orgasm, because I could no longer tell my muscles were fatigued.
How just about every single part of my body no longer felt his touch the way it had.
How it felt like I was a virgin all over again, every single time, and he was hung like an actual stallion.
How frustrating all of this was because even when all the stars aligned and we had time plus desire to have sex, my body failed me yet again.
How guilty I felt because he'd been so patient and understanding, trying to find ways to solve all of the problems I had told him about.
How I'd cringe on the inside every time he'd muster the courage to ask hopefully if I was in the mood.

All of this and more came pouring out that night. We got hardly any sleep because it took that long for us to sort through it all. The shoe was also on the other foot. He'd known something was wrong, but hadn't been able to get out of me what was going on. Boy, did we both feel foolish after admitting our secrets led to something good and constructive.

By opening up to each other it's allowed us to work together on our issues. It's taken weeks and several more discussions but I'm helping him find solutions to his problems, and he's helping me with mine. (Who knew that we'd find so many other places that give me that delightful shivery feeling!) Our problems aren't one hundred percent solved-- for several reasons, one of which was jealousy that the character was awake and got to see her baby straight away, I sobbed for nearly fifteen minutes because of watching a cesearean delivery on a television show the other night--but we're working on them together as a couple again. Dealing with things takes time and effort, but it's so much more rewarding than the time and energy spent on denying stuff. I wish I could remember that whenever I'm in the middle of it all. But, I guess everything does happen in its own time.

I can honestly say I don't hate my body anymore. I'm often frustrated by it, angry with it, hurt or saddened by it, but I don't hate it. And I'm trying to accept and love it. Part of that has been to find the courage to write about all of this on here. Blogging is such an important part of my recovery. But, I used the excuse that I was writing too much about pregnancy related stuff, when it's a weight loss blog, not a postpartum recovery blog.

Well? I realised this particular part of my weight loss journey does involve post partum recovery. Those that don't want to read about it won't. Just like any other subject I discuss they don't want to read. It's my blog, and I have to write about the issues I need to write about. So, I did. And I will. Am pretty sure we haven't heard the end of this saga yet. ;)

So many things to talk about: Part Drei.

2010-03-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

For those that missed the earlier installments: Part One and Part Two.

Anyone who's ever been stuck in a rut long enough will tell you that you don't realise how deep you've worn that sucker until you start to make your way out of it. Complete exhaustion is very similar. I didn't know how unutterably exhausted I was until I started to get a little more quality sleep. I mean, I knew it was bad--other than narcoleptics--not many people fall asleep standing up; while walking even! But I didn't know how badly it was affecting me and every aspect of my life.

I knew it was making me regret being unable to enjoy Kiddlywink as much as I could have. Not only was my body hindering me, but I was watching everything she did through a haze of bone-deep weariness. I was also contributing to my body's inability to do much by injuring myself constantly because I just didn't have my usual spatial awareness, both because of the numbness and the fatigue. And without quality sleep, my body was taking FOREVER to heal.

Despite being nowhere near my usual self, the freedom I suddenly had to actually DO stuff and the extra energy I possessed were wondrous to me. Which of course meant, as per usual, once I started to recover, I went at life like a bull at a gate. Balancing everything has always been a difficult thing for me. I'm gung-ho in several areas and neglect others. And one of the areas I'd been woefully neglecting was my husband and our relationship.

Most new parents go through a phase where they're totally focused on the child/ren, to the exclusion of all else. They don't mean to do it, it just slowly happens over time. Your conversations become about the child, the things you need to do for him/her/them, what new marvels they've done etcetera etcetera. We became so wrapped up in the wonder of our little miracle, that we forgot about the wonder of our own relationship. And like all things, without nurturing it withered and began to die.

It started with snipping and general nastiness, things we put down to our extreme tiredness. Who has time to talk stuff over when there's a free five minutes for sleeping? Next, we shifted to avoiding one another, which we justified by saying one had to be looking after Kiddlywink while the other attended to other necessary stuff. We each began to resent the other. Each felt "I" was doing more then "him/her" and "he/she" wasn't keeping up with their end of the bargain. We each began to take advantage of the other in regards to who would do what about the house--which of course we both began to resent--but blamed the other as the only one doing so, of course. Our predilections towards pedantry got way out of hand. We nitpicked on every little thing imaginable.

As I began to get more and more sleep, all of this behaviour and more started to escalate. Soon enough I had the energy to do extra around the house, which in turn allowed us both to get more sleep, which led to more awareness of our surroundings and each other. "All of a sudden" we were neck deep in shit and how no idea how we'd gotten there.

I began, of course, with trying to fix what was wrong with Alaskaboy. It's always easier to deal with someone else's problems rather than your own. Several issues were cleared up and that eased things for awhile. It even led to me airing some of my own stuff out too. But our deepest darkest shithole was still to come. The road to which was of course paved with the detritus of our biggest, long standing problem in our relationship. Communication.

Not only do Alaskaboy and I have the usual cross-family and cross-sexual communications most heterosexual couples have to deal with, but we also have cross-cultural differences as well. Some of our hugest arguments have been over the minutest of things. But sometimes it isn't so minute. In fact, it's quite the large, white elephant standing there in the middle of the room.

In my unwillingness to deal with my physical problems, because let's face it not much may actually change no matter how much I talk about the issues I have, I threw out hints and tidbits and hoped Alaskaboy would pick them up. Well, no, okay, if I'm to be as honest as I promised to be on here, I subconsciously made them subtle enough that he couldn't pick up on them. Thus, the "problem" became all about his inability to LISTEN to me and hear what I was saying. See how that works?

Everyone has behaviours they will or won't allow the other people in their life to commit. They'll let some things slide, there are some they dislike and will argue about constantly, and there are other things that are grounds for instant dismissal. It happens in every relationship, even the people we know on the most casual basis are subjected to the inner rules we all have.

After a few more weeks of better sleep I began to realise there was something "off" about the way Alaskaboy had been behaving, and I began to press him about whether everything was okay. He assured me it was, and we carried on discussing several smaller issues as they came up. And then one fateful morning, I caught him. Five years prior he'd sworn that he would never do this particular thing EVER again. Other stuff I had no problem with, but this one particular thing could be potentially hazardous to his health, so he agreed to never do it again.

He knew that this and adultery were two things that I felt strongly could be grounds for divorce. It was the first time in our marriage that I walked away thinking, "Holy shit! What do I do in this situation? How do I react?" I was completely at a loss as to what to do. I couldn't react by flinging the words I longed to at him, because they wouldn't serve any purpose except to make the situation worse. I sat on the toilet and actually contemplated divorce. I made myself go through all of the ramifications of what would happen if I expressed my rage, without regard for what was spewing out of my mouth.

He followed me into the bathroom and tried to discuss what had happened, and for the first time ever in our marriage said, "I cannot speak to you right know, leave me alone." Sure I'd slammed out of the house in a fit of melodrama during some of our earlier screaming arguments, but this I actually meant in deadly earnest. If I spoke to him right then, I would say something I would possibly regret for the rest of my life. I needed space to think. Thankfully, he gave it to me.

The hardest thing for me to realise during my sojourn to the loo, was that I could understand WHY he did what he did, which made the situation all that more agonising on my behalf. Yet another reason I couldn't go off half-cocked. While I could understand why he did what he did, my rage came from his refusal to talk to me about the problem when I'd explicitly asked him if anything was wrong.

Eventually I came out of the bathroom, and we discussed things on and off all day. (When he admitted to also doing it on the weekend prior, when I'd asked him in between the two instances to talk about what was bugging him...I was so enraged I literally saw red.) We each had to take several timeouts as the topics became closer to the meat of our problems. The discussions also highlighted how far we'd let our communication skills lapse.

Eventually I got him to understand WHY I was angry by explaining it to him thusly.
I said, "If I had a problem with my computer, that I'd known about for ages, and it was pissing me off, but I avoided telling you about it. And then eventually I went and got it fixed by The Geek Squad or whatever...How would that make you feel?"
He replied, "Livid!"
In our newfound spirit of communication, to avoid any assumptions or misunderstandings about what he meant, I asked, "Why?"
"Because you didn't give me the chance to fix it."
"EXACTLY!"

By the time we got to bed that night we'd covered a vast range of topics, and were moving perilously close to MY deep dark secret I'd been neglecting to give him a chance to fix. Yes, I realise this makes me both a hypocrite and unfair. But like him, I wasn't ready to unveil what my issue was and felt caught in a catch-22 situation.

Eventually it was crunch time, and I had to spill it, or betray everything we'd learned that day. Not to mention making a mockery of every word that came out of my own mouth. I am sometimes a hypocrite but eventually I own up to the fact and get on with the unpleasant task of dealing with it.

So many things to talk about: Part Duex.

2010-02-24T10:48:00.000-08:00

In case you came in late, and wanna catch up, here's Part One.

Ever feel like there are some ways you'll never be a grown up? I'm still the kid who gives her heart long before it's good for her. Making friends in person is hard. I alternate between bouts of painful shyness, which makes me appear to be a standoffish bitch, and moments of coming on too strong. Sometimes I'm gushing to the point of making myself cringe, sharing way too much too soon, and just generally behaving like that annoying kid on the playground who wants to be everybody's friend and can't understand why we can't all just get along.

I'm painfully honest...and expect/assume other people to be that way in return. I take people at face-value, trusting that what they say is what they mean. Which is why I've been burned so badly so many times in the past. (Especially now, with that horrible Hollywood mentality most of my new acquaintances here have.) I'd much rather you tell me that the friendship/acquaintancship isn't working out and why...than blow me off for weeks or months with promises to call or to catch up and not really mean it.

I guess that's why I've made so many of my closest friends through the internet. I can do all my initial spazzing out in the privacy of my own home. Taking those friendships from online to in person has always been cause for much angst. (You shoulda seen me, sitting way in the back of the airport shuttle, after having flown a bazillion miles to meet Alaskboy for the first time. I could see him standing outside, peering down the line of shuttles, anxiously craning his neck to spot me in the hordes of disembarking passengers, yet I ACTUALLY debated staying on that shuttle and returning to the airport; rather than facing the disappointment that he might not think as much of me as I did him.) You see, for me, even beginning friendships are almost like having a crush. Or even before we get to the meeting in person part, I worry about whether they're just being friendly or actually want to be my friend. I've mistaken friendliness for friendship before, and overstepped the mark in several embarrassing ways.

These days, I'm paranoid that I'll repeat the mistake. Consequently, I doubt myself and budding friendships even more. So, you can imagine how I reacted when this blogger, who I thought was pretty ace, and about whom I'd spent several long moments in the past wondering if I was pushing too much with the emails we'd sent back and forth, emailed me and said she wanted to spend time in person with ME! (Yes, Raina, I went through all of this as well before we met last year. I do it with every new potential In Person friend! Or even when moving to a new friendship level.) I spazzed out completely.

I just asked Alaskaboy to describe me when I'm in that moment. Apparently my usual response is to run around the house shrieking, "They like me, they really, really like me!" as though I'm shocked, stunned and disbelieving that I just won the friendship Oscar or something.

And now, this friend wanted to meet with me. OMG what if due to my extreme tiredness I didn't get a fair trial? I know I wasn't completely myself either time Raina was here, but we'd talked enough on the phone prior to her visits that she knew what my normal, happy, well-rested self looked like. Oh god, what if I was a completely negative, boring, dickhead while she was here! What if I blathered on in my excitement, not giving her time to talk about stuff she was interested in. Was I reading more into this than just a blogging meet up?

Over the course of a few more awkwardly phrased emails, where I tried SO hard not to reply to that initial query by flinging myself into saying, "spend ALL of your time in town with me so we can talk and talk and talk and get to know one another better", we went from meeting up for coffee or whatever, to all of a sudden having her stay overnight. {blink} Wait. She does actually want to get to know me better.

Cue more running around the house. This time with Muppet arms.

On the day she was due to come to our place, she was sick. I was gutted. All our lovely plans were evaporating like eucalyptus-scented steam from a humidifier. Undaunted, I called back and offered to come get her if by some miracle she was feeling better later in the day. I'd been promised a sleepover and my girly-girl heart wanted it, dammit!

Thankfully, she fortified herself with a nap, armed herself with cough lozenges, and bravely accepted the new offer. Even the God of Bus Tours smiled on us and we had the go-ahead for the following day. I'm ashamed to say I slept through a good deal of the tour. All that drumming rain outside and warm coziness on the inside make tired Kada go mumblemmphSNORE.

I'm also afraid I put her, and Raina, off the idea of ever having kids. I talk to Alaskagirl and both sets of parents a lot over the phone about it, but it was something about them actually being here that released some inner need. I think it was such a relief to have female company there in my loungeroom*, plus being fresh sets of ears that I hadn't already whined to a millions times over the past couple of months, that I'm afraid I let my guard down and babbled quite a bit about the horrors I'd been, and continued to go, through.

And like a shark sensing the merest trickle of blood in the water, my demons started to gather. I was still too exhausted to deal with that shit. So, I circled the wagons, stuck my fingers in my ears and shouted LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! An effective strategy which, like a diet, worked brilliantly for a little while.

Then last weekend, they made a concerted rush and broke through my defenses.

To Be Continued....

*Female company that was actually interested in me as a person too. Instead of what I've gotten used to over the last few years with local people: People that only give the appearance of being interested. Or invite you along because it's the polite or politic thing to do. Or you get together because the only thing you have in common is the country of your birth. Or...Or...Or....

So many things to talk about: Part One.

2010-02-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

Here I sit, benefitting from a month's worth of halfway decent sleep and my mind is overflowing with words, topics, feelings, discoveries and STUFF! I can't fit it all in the one post!

I'm having trouble remembering how tired I was a mere four weeks ago. Logically I knew I was bone weary, but through my sleep-deprived fog I didn't know just how exhausted I had truly become, nor how little I thought about anything else than when I'd get my next nap.

Realising that I had sleep apnea, back in August 2009, was the first step to getting more quality sleep. My dad introduced me to Breathe Right Strips and I went back to sleeping with two additional pillows, one under my arm and one under my uppermost leg just like when I was pregnant. All of a sudden my sleep apnea episodes diminished considerably.

But I was still tired.

Soon enough, another step. I started wearing incontinence pads day and night. Again, a slight improvement, but still not enough. Consumed with trying to keep the house as clean as possible*, getting all the Christmas paraphernalia organised, and making sure Kiddlywink's needs were met, while trying to find time to have more than a five minute conversation with Alaskaboy who was working some weird hours, I figured the pads worked Good Enough and left well enough alone.

Plus I had a bridesmaid's dress to fit into. Sometimes there was exercising happening instead of naps.

When my parents-in-law arrived for their Christmas holiday, I figured I'd get more sleep. AHAHAHAHA! This time I was capable of cooking more, actually socialising, and with them here I also had time to catch up with my internet buddies. Speaking of, Raina came to visit too. And I slept even less. In my own bed that is. Adding together my multiple trips to the bathroom, I was spending hours slumped over on the toilet every night because I was so exhausted I'd fall asleep as soon as I sat down. Not a recipe for good quality sleep in anybody's book.

It all came to head one night after a How I Met Your Mother marathon. I'd hurt myself in several different ways recently, mainly to being so tired and overdoing everything, but this took the cake. One measly hour after going to bed, I needed to pee. Upon being struck by a wave of nausea I had to think fast about how I would puke if need be. Due to my post-cesarean limitations and newly strained abs I was unable to kneel down on the floor and heave up whatever it was I'd overeaten that night. Since all the laundry tubs were full of soaking baby clothes and bibs, I got back up off the toilet and went in search of a folding chair to position in front of the loo.

And promptly had a micro nap while standing up.

There was no graceful keeling over to land on a discreetly placed mat like when someone topples over in the movies. I went down like a sack of spuds; collapsing downward like a demolition team had placed their explosives in all the right places. In one way I'm lucky I wasn't thinner or the hallway wider--I'd grappled with the walls trying to stop my fall--else when my left buttock landed squarely on my calf muscle, my belly wouldn't have prevented my teeth and my other kneecap meeting at full steam ahead.

So there I lay, face down in the hallway. Naked. Thank God my in-law's had gone home the previous night, and Raina was out like a light! Alaskaboy had heard my weird, hoarse cry of fear (I'm not a screamer, more like a HWOOOAARRRGerer) and came bustling out to see what was wrong. I proceeded to have a sobbing fit/temper tantrum, complete with slamming my fists against the floor and snot bubbles coming out of my nose.

I was furious with myself, life, the universe and everything. 42 may be the answer, but I was still looking for a better one. By the time Raina's short, but delightful, visit was over, I still hadn't found it.

One of the ways I kept hurting myself was by FLINGing myself out of bed every time I needed to go to the bathroom. Because, to be blunt, the incontinence pads weren't sufficient to the task. A few days after Raina left, I was at my wit's end. I no longer remember how we came to the lightbulb moment, but eventually we got there.

For bedtime? Nappies. Diapers. Of the adult variety.

"Why didn't we think of this sooner?" I sobbed to Alaskaboy. Apparently we had, and me asking him that question reminded him that our initial plan had been to see if the incontinence pads worked for both night and day time use, and if not, to switch to the big guns. But in all the subsequent excitement...we'd forgotten.

My first test run was an afternoon nap. I was to stay in bed and sleep myself out. Even if I awoke feeling the need to get up and pee, I was to stay in bed and put the product to good use. Lo, I had four hours uninterrupted sleep for the first time in months, and verily I say unto thee, it was FUCKING AWESOME!

Cue another light bulb. I've had the usual New Parent Lack Of Sleep. I've been having the Sleep Apnea Lack Of Sleep. Added to both of those? Since Kiddlywink was born, I haven't been settling into a deep sleep out of fear that I wouldn't wake up in time to prevent myself from peeing the bed. No WONDER I was exhausted and my body was taking forever to heal. You need good quality sleep to heal properly.

As the days passed and we figured out how many times I could get the urge before needing to change, the hard part became remembering which number urge I was on. There were a few accidents, but we've learned to leave plastic between the mattress pads and the mattress. Also? A hair dryer on high speed and heat, with the tip inserted underneath the sheet, allows for a speedy drying out of the wet spot. We can then take the sheets off in the morning and wash..instead of changing the sheets once or multiple times a night.

We were in the middle of this learning process, when an internet friend I'd never had the pleasure of meeting emailed to say she'd be in town for two days only, and did we want to meet up?

To Be Continued...

*I know that whenever my insides get cluttered up with feelings or needs that I can't express yet, the house gets messier and messier. And the more obsessed I get with trying to keep that mess under control. The more I feel the need to rid my house of excess crap. And the more I rant and rave about things Alaskaboy needs to improve on or throw out also. Like shit to a fan, misery loves to fling itself indiscriminately around!

Don't You Hate Becoming A Sterotype?

2010-02-23T02:45:00.000-08:00

I hate getting too low in any essential item, especially formula, in case we have to run out and do one of those stupid late night trips just for one item. Four days ago we'd gotten down to the bottom third of the last can of formula, and we deliberately went out and bought three new cans. (Our regular formula-purchasing stores were completely out and we had to purchase it from one we'd only used for other types of purchases.)

We noticed that the formula looked a little different, more like very fine sand than powder, but assumed it had settled funny in transit. They're small cans and only take Kiddlywink three and a half days to get through. Over the last two days she was even fartier than usual, but that was the only difference. This afternoon her poo was a little runnier, and then this evening after drinking her late night bottle, she promptly vomited at least half of it up.

Despite getting called into work after only four hours sleep last night, and having an early start again this morning, Alaskaboy got up and washed Kiddlywink off, while I started to clean up the vomit. Then we traded off while he used the wet vac to clean the carpet and I dried and dressed her. (It takes two for this kind of adventure at the moment, due to my physical limitations. There're just certain things I cannot do at all; or do in addition to other tasks.)

Kiddlywink indicated that she was still hungry afterwards, so we chucked the remainder of the can, and opened another...it too had the sand-like consistency, as did the third can. {sigh} (Yes, we'll be complaining about all three cans to the company.)

And there we were in the very situation we'd tried to prevent. I gave Kiddlywink an ounce of Pedialyte, in case she was merely thirsty, and to help flush through whatever she'd drunk of the milk this evening. But it really wasn't satisfying--nor was the sleeve she sucked half to death--and she just wouldn't settle to sleep.

I wasn't feeling confident enough to drive with period cramps plus still feeling a little washed out after the gastro attack, so, we all piled into the car. Thus entering parental stereotype mode! We intended to go to our regular grocery store in the hopes that they'd have some in, but luckily we tried the closest pharmacy on the off chance they'd have some in stock. They did. And Alaskaboy opened on can then and there, to see if it was any good. It was. And there was much rejoicing when we got home and Kiddlywink could get her mitts on her top up bottle. And Alaskaboy could go back to bed.

Why am I typing this when I'm so tired? Was starving so had a slice of bread and didn't want to go to bed straight after. May as well fill in the time writing this now than later tomorrow when Kiddlywink will prefer me to help her walk many laps of the apartment. I have to pause for a rest at various strategic points along the way. My poor stomach muscles! Assisting a two foot tall person to walk about is a great ab workout! Especially when you can't walk about on your knees to even the height difference a little.

Ack! Still lots to talk about with what's been going on recently, both with Kiddlywink and myself, but I'm about to do something akin to this...
...except into my keyboard.
Goodnight!

So frustrated!

2010-02-21T16:59:00.000-08:00

Back when I was dieting I'd have been gleeful about the thought of getting gastro/the stomach flu in the week leading up to my monthly weigh-in. This week? I'm frustrated almost to the point of tears.

Wait! Lemme fill you in a bit about what's been going on.

I've been working slowly to recover my physical fitness after Kiddlywink's birth. I've also been playing a fine balancing game. One I've never played before!
- Dr Kay is getting married next month.
- I'll be one of her bridesmaids. (If all of her bridesmaids are already married, does that make us bridesmatrons?)
- I bought the largest size available, 23/24, in the style of dress she wants us to wear.
- When I purchased it, at the start of November, I had Alaskaboy's help trying it on. He started the zipper up in the back...and we realised about 1/4 of the way up that even though he could have gotten it all the way closed, it would have strained the seams. Since it was the only one of that size in the store, we played it careful and never zipped it fully.

Fast forward to last week. I've gained muscle tone, my clothes are fitting better, even wearing some I haven't worn since early in my pregnancy, and I've lost 8lbs on the scale. This week, a month to go before the wedding I was going to try the dress on; and then every week after that. (I didn't try it on sooner because that'd be crazy making, since I'm losing slowly and sensibly, and also too far out from the date to give me an accurate picture.) I want to fit into the dress--especially since it's a strapless gown!--without it being too tight OR too loose.

And now, with this stupid stomach bug, I've lost several pounds/inches of water weight in two days. Double whammy! I won't get a fair try on for the dress. PLUS! It's like I've done one of those stupid crash diets! My body is going to rebound from this by making it harder for me to lose weight until it regains what it lost. And possibly some extra, just for good measure, like after a real crash diet.

RRROOAAAR! If I wasn't feeling so washed out, I'd be sobbing about now.

Food Blog

2010-02-08T09:26:00.000-08:00

After reading Kepa's post yesterday, wherein he pimps his girlfriend Mary's food blog, I realised, I should show you my food photo blog too. I know there'll be some of you interested, so here's the address: http://kadanoms.blogspot.com/

Quick KW update!

2010-01-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

She now rolls from one end of the loungeroom to the other. She only has one direction to roll yet, but she'll figure out the reverse side soon enough.

Two weekends ago we had difficulty convincing her not to leap, fully clothed, from Grandpa's arms into the water! So we figured it was time, even if the swim diapers were a little big. She had her first swim in the YMCA pool last weekend. Kiddlywink loved every bit, except for when a cool breeze gusted across her from a briefly open door. She even happily blew bubbles in the water several times.

Mummy, Daddy, and Aunty Raina were all very proud. :)

I'm off to make some apple sauce for her, she zoomed through the jars we bought!

Old Wive's Tale.

2010-01-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling frumpy for a little while now, as my hair got more and more in desperate need of a hair cut. I still didn't find the time to have one while my in-laws were here, and I cringed inside every time any one took a photo of me. Something that hasn't happened for a long time.

The clothes that fit clothes are all winter weight and I've had a fairly small but decent selection to choose from, but all of a sudden we're having a heat wave and I have nothing to wear. Well, I have a whole wardrobe stuffed full of clothes. The trouble is, I'm in between. My maternity clothes are starting to look ratty and they are miles too big for me. But my other clothes are not quite fitting right, just yet.

Even the new bathing suit I bought several months ago. The top still fits perfectly and looks really pretty. The bottoms I'm currently wearing are so big, they fell down the other night whenever I'd walk "too fast" in the pool. But the next size down are a bikini cut (rather than full brief) and don't quite fit thanks to the extra loose hang of my pannus now that I've lost some fat. Those of you that have lost a bit of weight know what I mean. The fat is disappearing underneath, and the skin is still stretched out to contain the old amount of fat...well add post-pregnancy to that stretchage and oh my gawd. Otherwise, they'd fit perfectly.

I've been enjoying dressing Kiddlywink. It's like I can express my fashion sense, on a body that fits all of its clothes. No, I don't treat her like a doll and play dress ups, it's just nice being able to go to her wardrobe and drawers and pick out an outfit then put it on without worrying about whether it'll fit or not. Although, it's always a little sad when she moves on to a new size and I have to put my current favourites away in their box...but then I have a whole new wardrobe to choose new favourites from. LOL

I didn't realise how much I was using that to ignore how slobby I was feeling, until Raina, and the heat wave, arrived. Especially since we're coming up on wash day, I really only had one pair of jeans, one pair of white pants, and two nice tops to wear. Well, I say to wear, but the green crepe shirt is a size too big and swims on me, and the pinky/orange plaid maternity shirt, while looser/flattering now in the torso, is too tight in the arms. (Thanks to losing condition in my upper arms.)

Raina looks gorgeous in everything I've seen her wear. Even her pyjamas! And, me? I feel like I'm wearing sack cloth and ashes. This is not her fault in the slightest, she's only been the catalyst to make me face my own feelings. And that's what friends do, isn't it? Help you work through your stuff!

Now I needs to figure out how to get my mojo back, without spending money we don't have on in-between clothes that won't fit me long.

Any suggestions?

P.S. And I just realised that the reason mess in the house has been driving me so batty at the last six weeks, is because it only adds to my feelings of shabbiness.
P.P.S Feeling another level recovered. Doing more stuff. Doing more stuff. Doing MORE stuff....Ugh. Strained stomach muscles again. A little more recovered doesn't mean completely recovered! When will I learn not to act like a bull at a gate?

Look out, she's on the move!

2009-12-31T16:06:00.000-08:00

Kiddlywink rolled over, from her front to her back, for the first time today. (Then second and third when we turned her back over again.) YAAY!

The look on her face was so funny. "WTF just happened?"

Kiddlywink's Food, Part One.

2009-12-27T11:40:00.001-08:00

This is probably uninteresting for most of you. Am posting this mainly for my own record keeping.

Food (Sampling Order)	Dislikes	Ok	Likes	Really Likes	LOVES!
Pears					Yes
Bananas			Yes
Butternut					Yes
Peas			Yes
Carrots				Yes
Sweet Potatoes					Yes
Green Beans	Yes. Cut with pears is edible. Just!

Sorry, been a bit scarce! Or, the lead up to Christmas with a child.

2009-12-18T09:56:00.000-08:00

My wonderful parents-in-law arrive this evening at 9:20pm.

Santa arrives next week.

We still haven't finished wrapping even the overseas presents. Hoping to mail cards out today after being up till 4am last few nights to get the glitter-mad things done. What IS it with cards and glitter these days?

{runs around completely unready house doing Muppet crazy arms} AAAAAAAIYYYEEE!

Uuurgh.

2009-11-30T23:33:00.001-08:00

Lotsa moanin' and groanin' here at the moment.
Poor Kiddlywink, she's got her first cold.
She got it from her father, who ironically got his while working on the set of House.
And I overdid a workout this weekend and have strained abdominal muscles.
Oy vey!

Not thinking of sending KW a gift? Ignore this post!

2009-11-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

For anyone that isn't intending to send a gift, please don't feel like I'm pressuring you into buying anything or even asking you to. This is for those that have already expressed, or felt, the need to do so.

Some of my readers have asked if they can send Kiddlywink a little gift for Christmas. (And some may feel shy about asking. If you do need our mailing address, please leave a comment indicating so and I'll email it to you.)

Sure! Any and all appropriate gifts are appreciated.

If you're wanting to send clothing? Remember, at the moment, it is winter here in the USA.
Kiddlywink weighs approx 12-13lbs/5.5-6kgs.
She wears a US size 3-6 months, Aussie size 00...European size..no clue, sorry. But clothes in a bigger size for a later season are always good too. :)

If you do send toys or items that contain plastic, please try and ensure they're BPA free.
BPA or Bisphenol A = BAAAAD juju for bubbies.

Story books, especially children's ones with stories about your own culture, or a particular childhood favourite of your own are always good.

As a thank you, we'll be sure to send you a photo of Kiddlywink on Christmas morning with whatever present she received from you.

It's just a word, isn't it?

2009-11-24T13:02:00.000-08:00

Now that Kiddlywink has been born, I find myself quite often feeling the same embarrassment a young man may feel in the aisle of the supermarket devoted to women's needs. That awful sniggering feeling where I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, it's just a word after all, but I still can't help it. I've even been known to bite my lip or smother a smile with my hand. Or blush.

I must admit I am slooooowly getting used to the word as it is prominently displayed on all packaging, but whenever discussing KW's eating habits or possible needs for changes in the equipment she uses to eat, I can feel my mother's eloquent silence on the end of the line while she mentally adjusts to the "correct" word.

When first discussing feeding the baby my husband reacted with a blush and the exact same embarrassed look on his face when I used the socially acceptable Australian word for the silicon or rubber attachments on the business end of a baby's bottle; completely unaware that it was called something different over here. We'll freely use other Australian-English/American-English words interchangeably, like nappy and diaper, but his embarrassment was so intense I simply switched to using nipple instead of teat. I still feel momentarily weird using nipple or seeing it in public. I accidentally used the word teat the other day, and he blushed just as strongly again.

Is it something just in our families? Or is it once again a case of our different cultures finding one word more socially acceptable over another, even though they mean the exact same thing?

ETA: Wanna know what's REALLY odd? I have no problem using the word nipple in conjunction with a woman's breasts, or even accidentally seeing nipples while someone is breastfeeding in public. It's only when connected with the fake version being called nipples that I get embarrassed.

Tim Tams Available in America!

2009-11-23T17:45:00.000-08:00

Pepperidge Farms bought the rights to repackage and sell Tim Tams to the American market.
Have had various reports of availability in Target and Walmart stores. (Apparently Walmart couldn't keep up with demand for the test samples. LOL)
http://www.pepperidgefarm.com/ProductDetail.aspx?catID=944&prdID=120848

Looks like I and my fellow Pimps have had our work finally pay off. :)

Intuitive Eating: What My Daughter Has Taught Me.

2009-11-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

Something I have had to fight is my fear of waste. Spending a lot of time with my Depression-era grandparents and having had parents raised by them, I find myself now and again fighting the urge to force Kiddlywink to eat more than she wants. When she was young, it quickly became apparent whenever I'd done this. She'd "waste" the excess in her own indisputable fashion. Most often, all over the fool who'd not wanted to waste the last 10 mls in the bottle.

These days it's a little trickier, because she does actually push the bottle away when she's had enough. BUT! She can also do that if it's not sitting right in her mouth, she's frustrated with how long it's taken, or she's accidentally knocked it out while stroking the bottle. So, it's a fine line between trying not to force her and offering it again in case she really does want some more and can't stop complaining about it long enough to realise the bottle's in her mouth already. Extra fun bonus points is when she pauses in between sucking, on and off for five minutes, to bitch about everything. LOL

Watching Kiddlywink as she's grown and matured, both in stature and appetite, has shown me a lot about what actual intuitive eating is. To start with, we had to have her on a three hourly schedule because she wasn't mature enough to wake herself up when she should have been hungry. That's normal for premature babies.

Even then, though, there were times that she would wake up before the three hours and express her dissatisfaction at how slow the service was around here. Other times, she would barely eat half the minimum amount she was supposed to ingest in one meal.

Keeping track of her eating habits allowed us to figure out that no matter what she ate at any particular meal, she would consistently eat the same amount in a day. And as the days wore on and we averaged out the weeks, it became even more apparent: She had distinct patterns. E.G. One meal a day, every day, was always smaller than the others. Leading up to a bowel movement she would eat a lot more the preceeding day. She cluster fed every night before bed: Sometimes eating a full meal's worth every hour for 4 or more hours!

The amount she'd eat in each meal didn't matter in the slightest, because her eating clock was set at her own time and pace. I'll never forget the absolutely disgusted looks she'd give us in the day or two it took us to figure out she was now ready for a four hourly awakening, rather than three.

Here are some other things I've learned, or had reinforced by observing her, and find that they also apply to me.

- Food is more enjoyable when I'm actually hungry.
- Sometimes, when I think I'm peckish, I'm thirsty. And sometimes, I am actually peckish.
- If there are times I feel actually hungry again sixty, thirty, or even five minutes after I finish eating? That's okay; have just a little bit more.
- Some meals I'll eat far less than I'd believe could possibly satisfy me.
- Other times, before I'm satisfied, I'll have eaten a meal bigger than my head!
- There are times when it's more important to have a little snack to stave off the hunger pangs and then go have the sleep I so desperately need. Even if it's of an evening and I sleep through till breakfast. I obviously needed the sleep more.
- Some days I eat less, or more, often than usual.
- Sometimes, I want to drink plain water, but I want it heated. Other times I want it ice cold. Most often, room temperature is nice.
- In the morning my extremities are colder than at any other time of day. I need fuel a.s.a.p. to stoke up my inner fires. Breakfast is one meal I cannot do without.
- Occasionally, I do need to eat a snack during the night.
- T.V. IS a distraction.
- Eating alongside others is extra enjoyable. Even if we don't speak, and are eating different things, sharing our enjoyment is enough.
- A burp is a compliment. As is a contented sigh. It says thank you for ensuring I have had enough to eat.

There's more, but I think you get the general gist of things. I'm also sure, that she'll continue teaching me for many years to come about how to eat, how to enjoy life, and how to love myself and others unconditionally.

I Was Gonna Call First....But!

2009-11-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, we went for our first visit to the YMCA in three or so months.

Alaskaboy, as usual, was running late for aqua aerobics. He ran inside the building and through reception really fast. Thus, he didn't see the signs on the front door or reception desk.

G, the receptionist, was so excited when he dropped our membership cards off and told her Kiddlywink was coming along behind--with me of course but the important news was that Her Cuteness was coming--she got busy slathering up with hand sanitizer and forgot to tell him. (How excited? She didn't even log us in. We discovered later our membership cards got dropped on the desk in her lunge for the sanitizer.)

In the two or so minutes it took me to reach reception, Alaskaboy had started his pre-swim rinse.

Kiddlywink and G were in raptures getting reacquainted while I went and stuck my head through the men's change room doorway and yelled, "OY! Pool's closed today for repairs!" LOL

Kiddlywink's Birth Story: Part Three

2009-11-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

Part One.
Part Two.

Surrounded by scurrying medical personnel, I'll be forever grateful to the nurse who held my left hand as much as she could throughout the the pre-operative kerfuffle. She must have had a hand made of steel because I know I squeezed so hard at one point that my own hand went briefly numb.

Strapped down as I was, I couldn't brush the tears away as they dribbled their way down into my hair line then into my ears. Eventually the dribbles became a trickle and then a steady flow as the anesthetists poked and prodded, trying to insert an arterial line into my veins. This important piece of tubing would be used to monitor the minutest change in my blood pressure. Unfortunately I was so dehydrated and distressed that they couldn't find a home for the line. Two different attempts were made on my left arm and then they switched to my right.

In the background I could hear the assistants disparaging the supply unit as they'd run out of a certain kind of drug essential for my surgery. Apparently, they'd just used the last of it up in another emergency c-section, but they were incredulous that the hospital could run out of such an important drug. Dr Awesome stopped the bitching by telling them to go with the second most popular drug as they had no choice at this stage.

My attention was drawn sharply back to the anesthetists as they threaded the arterial line into my arm. Yes, into my arm. They missed my veins all together and there's nothing quite as revoltingly painful as feeling a piece of tubing slide into your body where no tubing is meant to go.

At this point the nurse came back from telling Alaskaboy that it was taking longer than anticipated--They'd expected to have Kiddlywink out by now--and she grabbed my hand in time for them to miss-thread the line a second and third time.

Finally, Dr Awesome put his foot down. "That's enough," he said. "Let's just go. We can put the line in when she's out." From the tone in his voice and the look on his face, he was sick of seeing and hearing me suffer. And I'm guessing he could see from my face that I'd reached the end of my courage. I remember thinking at that point that I could keep being brave if they'd only successfully put the stupid thing in, but I had no faith left in the anesthetists except for their abilitiy to hurt me.

And hurt me one of them did again. After fitting the gas mask over my face, (Thank God it was at least a slightly opaque white colour not the awful smelly black ones they had years ago) he explained he was supporting the "some part of my throat I didn't quite catch" so I would keep breathing. But to me, all it felt like was him trying to choke me while crushing my Adam's Apple at the same time. There was none of that gentle hold-my-hand-and-count-backwards-from-one-hundred routine I was used to. Imagine the pain of the biggest ice cube you ever swallowed. Multiply it by about 50 and center it all on the very front of your throat. That was the last sensation I remember feeling before the lights went out.

The very next sensation I felt was my left fingers starting to twitch involuntarily. Slowly but surely I became more aware of my body and my surroundings. I caught a glimpse of the clock and seeing just how much time had passed I began to fret. All of a sudden I could peer towards the doorway and see Dr Awesome and Alaskaboy.

"Hi Baby," I said, in a voice that I barely recognised as my own, so weak and high pitched did it sound. "Is she beautiful?"

His voice I recognised, as well as his pride, relief and joy, in the one syllable that he was able to utter. "Yes."

And then I was concentrating on not giving into the urge for terrified wailing as they informed me they were transferring me to a bed. Considering what I'd been through, I expected a huge, painful process of some kind...but they gathered the corners of the sheets and slid me across onto the bed, smooth as silk.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I settled in for the ride to the ICU, tuning out the gurney driver and the nurse who was administering my meds as they argued over the best route to take. Direction sorted, we set off on a kaleidoscopic journey of lights whizzing by overhead and corners being turned at what felt like break neck speed.

My eyes opened wider and wider as we approached the turn for the elevator. Yeah, that sigh had been breathed too early. The guy misjudged the turn, too busy flapping his gums, and rammed the end of the gurney into the side of the elevator doorway.

Hearing myself make an horrific primal scream, I grabbed my stomach as I slid several inches down the bed. Then my hair stood on end as I heard the vicious tone in Alaskaboy's voice as he verbally tore strips off the guy. Miserable and tired of it all I closed my eyes and sobbed the rest of the way to ICU.

The next twenty four hours passed in a blur. I remember making and receiving phone calls and text messages; sleeping a lot; pressing the pain relief button as often as I was allowed; and even managing to get out of bed at one point.

Then during one of my lucid periods, Alaskaboy was there; with photos of our beautiful baby girl. We'd managed to have a list of about six or so names for a girl, but there were two clear favourites. It wasn't until we saw her picture though that we knew which order to put those names in. Funnily enough, the name we chose for her first name was the last name we'd put on the list. And subsequently never added any more names after that. It was like we'd known subconsciously we had our winner since that moment.

As they were preparing to move me out of the ICU and into the intensive care beds of the actual maternity ward I was able to say goodbye to the nurse who'd helped me through those first critical hours. She'd stopped back in to see how I was doing when she logged on for her next shift.

That left me in good spirits and Alaskaboy's terse warning to the gurney driver had me hoping for a smooth journey. HAHAHA! She was worse than the original gurney driver. She not only managed to ram me feet first into the side of an eight foot wide doorway, (you really don't EVER want to know what Alaskaboy said and how he sounded while he said it) but also sideswiped an elevator doorway on the way to the maternity ward. I managed to keep my mouth shut and my cries deep in my throat during the sideswipe else murder might well have been done.

But wait! There's more. The fun and games weren't over yet! It got worse before it got better.

This touched a chord.

2009-10-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Something inside me is still vibrating gently after reading this piece. I'm not quite sure yet what has been touched, but I'm planning to let the vibrations do their work and shake loose whatever they will.

Thanks, Shauna, for twittering the link.

Consistency Equals Balance?

2009-10-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry: It's a bit rambly. I don't have time to edit like I usually would. Kiddlywink's awake and hungry and it's already taken three times as long as usual to get this post done.

I remember feeling so proud of how much I achieved during the six weeks of psychotherapy I had last year. I also remember feeling bewildered when the therapist mentioned it was so nice to have someone who went home and worked with the tools she gave them in the therapy sessions. I thought to myself,Why would someone try and work through their issues in only the limited window each with with the actual therapist, why not continue on at home as well? I now realise what she meant when she said, “You have the luxury of time, a safe place, and a very understanding husband to help you deal with this.”

I still have the safe place, I have the understanding husband, but I don't have time any more, neither does the understanding husband.

And I'm SO frustrated! I'm acknowledging all these things that have come up in the past couple of weeks, but I don't have the time or energy to deal with, or feel, any of it. So I've been overeating and binging on instantly streamed television to compensate.

I also now understand why parents look so frazzled. Everything is a choice between doing one thing and not doing something else. Alaskagirl and I managed a quick chat last night on the phone, and among other things we were talked about how we would love to kick our prenatal selves. All that time we had to DO things! How easy it was to accomplish anything all by yourself! And yet we had no idea and thus were so lazy about exercising, eating, housework etc.

I think of all those times I decided not to go to the gym because it was too much effort and laugh my head off now. Do you know how EASY it is to pack up one bag of stuff, go to the gym/pool whenever you feel like it and spend as long as you like there with no one to think about but yourself? Now, I have to pack my swim bag; pack Kiddlywink's diaper bag; time it so I can feed her then get her dressed and then head on out for a quick swim while she's sleeping. Most often she wakes up while I'm in the showers or half-dressed and I need to feed her right then. And of course now she's getting older so she doesn't sleep as long during the day and wants to play at this new found bearing weight and/or sitting business. So, I rarely go swimming anymore.

It's been hard, realising this week that I have to give up one of my lifelong behavioural patterns. For as long as I can remember I'll have spurts of activity/tidiness/discipline etc followed by periods of laziness/slobbishness/chaos. In order to prevent myself from going crazy, I'm going to have to learn consistency.

Consistency, and to give up the idea of perfection. I was able to give up the ideal of perfection in my eating habits (ie, if I can't be perfect, fuck it, I'll be the total opposite) and now I have to give up that crutch in other areas of my life. No more days and/or weeks of zero housework followed by cleaning binges. Every person I know of who doesn't have a cleaning service but does have a tidy house--tidy and lived in, not Home Beautiful magazine clean, because even they edit the photos they shoot of houses--follows one simple rule: Tidy a little, each and every day.

This week, each day I've done one-three chores, at most. i.e. wash one sink of dishes, fold some clothes, sort some clothes out of storage for Kiddlywink(she'll be moving up a size soon), pick up dirty clothes, wash and sterilise one or two loads of Kidldywink's bottles etc. And you know what? I'm still frustrated. But it's a different kind of frustration.

I'm having to hold myself back from cleaning to exhaustion. It's hard to feel satisfied when at the end of the day there's still mess around, and to feel like I've accomplished hardly anything. But it's easier than working myself into a stupour and STILL feeling unsatisfied because I didn't get done all that I thought I SHOULD get done.

Funnily enough, it's Friday and the house is perceptibly tidier than it's been in months. Not as perfect as it was for that one night only when I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned to get the house spotless because a friend was coming over for dinner. But you know what? The dishes from that meal we cooked sat out for a whole week because I'd hurt myself physically and emotionally with the cleaning frenzy.

I'm at that point where I was with dieting. I'm DONE with wanting perfection. I'm fed up with the binge cycle and I'm ready to try a more intuitive approach to cleaning. Each time I feel the need to compulsively clean I'm going to ask myself why I'm wanting to binge on housework. Strangely enough the last few times I've asked myself that this week, I've given almost identical responses to times I'd binge on food.

I'm suppressing emotions, or using it to punish myself. No wonder I have a love/hate relationship with housework. So this means, like I did with dieting/food, I have to remove the Virtuousness Reward I get for doing a lot of housework, I have to remove the Punishment aspect also. Housework is just housework. It's a repetitive job, especially if done consistently, but it has to be done.But if done consistently, like exercise or a healthy diet, it's another aspect of taking care of myself and learning to live more like an adult and less like a teenager.

So, yeah, I'm frustrated this week, but also pleased that there is something I can work on to better myself, in the limited time I have lately. And who knows, once I get into the regular housework habit, I bet I'll be surprised at how much time I'll free up for other ways to help myself.

Kiddlywink Update

2009-10-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

Kiddlywink and Kada went to visit the paediatrician for Kiddlywink's 4 month check up. We're happy to report that she weighs 10 lbs 5 ozs and is 22 inches long. This now puts her on the "regular baby" growth charts. (In the 3rd percentile, but she's on the charts!) For her weight she's following the average curve, but for her height she's "doing her own thing" as the doctor put it; she's going in a line straight up! LOL Those big hands and feet of hers, which remind us of a gangly puppy, are living up to their promise and she's already tall for her age/weight.

Kiddlywink's trying her very best to roll over, but she can't quite coordinate all of the bits of the puzzle together yet. She has been able to roll herself over on to her back just once, but she cheated since her bottom arm provided no impediment, having gotten stuck under her belly. (She'd been playing one of the games she likes: Mummy rolls Kiddlywink back and forth on the bed.)

Her newest and bestest games for the moment though are sitting while holding on to Mummy or Daddy's fingers, or standing while supported under her armpits. We actually managed to catch a photo of her standing this morning AND of her big, beautiful "I'm so happy" or "Hi, Mum/Dad" smile. (The nurse pointed out that she has a smile reserved just for us and a not-quite-as-big smile for anyone else. We'd noticed it, but thought we were imagining things.) This smile is also often followed by a gurgly goo and an adorable coy/shy/flirty face which seems to say "Aww shucks, I'm SOOO cute aren't I!" Don't know if we'll be lucky enough to catch a photo of that one though.

Anyway, enough talking. Here's what you're really wanting. Photos taken over the course of the previous month.

love,
Alaskaboy, Kada, and Kiddlywink.

P.S. Conveniently, her joyful kicking in the bathtub obscured her so nicely I didn't need to blur anything. LOL
P.P.S. We don't normally pause to take photos after she has puked. But this was an extremely funny moment. Alaskaboy put out his hand to catch the puke(consisting of milk she'd finished drinking no more than five seconds prior), and it hit his hand then rebounded back up and over her head. Poor kid. After Kada died laughing at the identical horrified looks on their faces she just HAD to take a photo.

Feeling A Bit Weary.

2009-09-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks I've been feeling really down. Sheer tiredness has played a big part of it, but on top of that everything feels like such an effort lately. Funnily enough, it's not the physical aspect of having put on 18 lbs that's making me feel this way. Don't get me wrong, that is obviously increasing the difficulty of everything, my recovery included. It's more of a mental thing that I've got going on though; and it didn't hit me what it was until two nights ago while I was out on my walk.

I'm so fucking tired of working my arse off, literally, to get into good physical and mental shape and then through no fault of my own suffering a huge setback. I'd be angry at myself if I'd fallen off the wagon each time, and rightly so, but how the fuck do you get angry at life?

Case in point:
Several years ago I was going great guns, then strained my groin and had to recover from that. Yes, at that point I did dangle from the wagon a little, but I got back on with a firmer seat than before.
Then, I had the antibiotic poisoning episode. So, along with the physical recovery, I took the opportunity to work on my mental health issues. And it took me two years plus also continuing to work on improving my physical fitness as much as I could. I was working hard to get as fit as I could before getting pregnant, and I was once again doing really well, had worked my way back to attempting land and water aerobics again as well as walking and swimming nearly every day.
Once I got pregnant, I continued exercising very regularly and eating excellently...
When as you all know--BAM!--along came HELLP and the cesarean delivery.

And here I sit, after literally YEARS of working so very hard, fatter and more unfit than I've EVER been in my life. On Monday night the unjustness of it all hit me right in the solar plexus. While I struggled to push on through the wall I'd hit at the half mile mark, I realized how very tired I am of it all. Which of course made my walk all the more difficult. Have you ever tried to walk in a public place while trying not to sob your heart out? You end up very out of breath and with a throat that feels like you've got an ice block/cube lodged in there.

It's SO unfair. I've worked so hard to ensure that I could be the kind of mother that has energy to play with her kids. Yet here I am, the mother I didn't want to be, struggling just to get through the day.

I'm so tired.

Tired of starting over, again and again and again. Tired of working so hard, and ending up even farther behind than when I first started. I am an advocate of health at any size, but it's hard to continue believing in myself when my health and fitness slip through my fingers no matter how hard I work to keep them. When my fat becomes not an accepted part of me but a hindrance to my life and my good health instead.

The funny thing is, despite all of this I can still look in the mirror and love myself. I dislike the numb parts and the incontinence. I dislike that my body doesn't feel like my own any more. I dislike yearning to have MY body back. But I still love myself. It's a weird head space to be in. Feeling both despair at starting over again, yet also pride at how far I have recovered once more. Fatigue at the thought of how far I still have to go, yet not willing to give up and remain this way. Afraid that I'll get fitter once more just to have another setback if I (ever) get pregnant again. Relief at how lucky I was to survive all that I have in the past few years, especially with much worse things could have been in every single case, yet also angry that those awful things happened at all.

I'm still working through the emotions of what happened with the birth and early postpartum period, that's why I haven't been able to write any more of my birth story yet. I'm not quite up to going there mentally or emotionally. Nor am I up to it physically. I know I'm already drained at the end of each day, I don't want to add the strain of that particular sobfest just yet to the other physical stresses.

Although, I did feel better after blubbing all over Alaskaboy in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. It made me feel so much better having the time to talk to him about all of it. (Only because he refused to go and do his usual morning yoga because he knew I needed to talk.) With how busy we've been lately taking care of Kiddlywink we haven't had any time for adult conversation. I miss being able to trail him from room to room as he gets ready for bed of an evening, catching up on what we've done during the day or discussing any issues that have come up. It's kinda hard to discuss things when we're each involved in doing separate chores that NEED to be done. Some nights we do get to talk, but obviously not in depth enough.

I know all of this will change. I know things will improve. . .no, are improving. It's just that Monday night I hit the end of my current tether and like a dog that goes tearing off after a lovely scent while forgetting she's on a leash, I came crashing down HARD.

Funnily enough, after tonight's walk I actually felt relaxed and revitalised. What a difference having a good cry, and several long naps, makes to my outlook.

Answering A Request.

2009-09-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

Someone asked about where to find the brushes I talked about in my Pregnancy Coat post.

For them, and anyone else who is interested, I was able to buy them at my local grocery store in their health/shampoo/haircare/shower/brushes section. But you can find many types of scalp brushes at Amazon.com if you can't get them locally.

Silliniess in the Morning.

2009-09-18T14:03:00.001-07:00

I know I had enough sleep last night because I woke up in the mood to sing. (even though I don't sing or whistle in tune very well, I still enjoy doing both. and MUST do so when I'm happy and rested.)

This is what I sang as I was changing Kiddlywink's diaper/nappy this morning.
(to the tune of ten green bottles)

One wet nappy sitting on your bum,
One wet nappy sitting on your bum
And if one wet nappy should accidentally fall,
There will be no wet nappies sitting on your bum

So let's put one dry nappy up against your bum,
One dry nappy up against your bum
With one dry nappy up against your bum
We can go and get you some breakfast yummy-yums!

Shocked.

2009-09-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

I went in for my yearly pap smear today. Having noticed several places I've slimmed down between last month's swimsuit shot and this month's photo, I was eager to get on the scales to see how those missing inches related to pounds lost.

I hadn't lost a thing.

In fact I've pretty much done the far opposite of losing weight.

I've gained 18lbs in 3 months. I'm now only 1 lb lighter than I was when I was 34 weeks pregnant!

Thus Denise's Comment on my Control Issues post is rather timely.

After having my son, I felt like I had to do everything right away- baby announcements, thank yous, laundry, and so on. I killed myself. I didn't allow myself to enjoy my baby and to enjoy my time at home with my baby. At the same time though, I still didn't do what my body needed. Now that you have a baby, it is a matter of finding that time for yourself---that includes time for managing a diet---and I don't mean diet as in counting calories. It takes time to meal plan and just think about eating better. I found it very difficult to just put Aiden in a stroller and go for a walk. You will get there---that's my point. A lot has changed in your life, and you can only take one day at a time and learn how to incorporate your needs back into it while still making the day work with all the schedules you know have!

The only way I can think of for me to have gained these 18lbs, while getting slimmer, is for the amount of water I retained earlier in the post-partum period to have been very great as opposed to my fat percent. But due to the amount of inactivity and lack of sleep I've been getting, the fat has been piling on even though the edema is going away.

And if I'm to admit to the soul searching I did on the way home, while eating the hamburger combo I'd driven thru to buy, is that my eating hasn't been as intuitive as I thought it had been. Yes, WHAT I was eating was intuitive, but the amounts certainly haven't been. Also due to the lack of sleep and lack of time etc, my intuition has been asking for far too many quick, easy meals of late. Sure, we've been eating the meals out of the freezer, but to be completely truthful, I've been eating take away food at least twice a week also. It's not all junk food, but it still is restaurant quality food, and as we all know that equals excess amounts of everything in the meals. The meals in the freezer, whilst nutritious, really don't contain enough veggies in them either. Instead of eating side veggies with them, I've merely eaten my fill of those dishes at each sitting. I also haven't been eating much fruit any more. Funny, the first few weeks postpartum I ate fruit every single day. I s'pose it was easier to with my slaves present to handle other things, or to slice up a bowl of something and hand it to me while I was pumping milk.

As Denise said though, everything is SO MUCH MORE of an effort. I might be taking the time to enjoy being a parent to Kiddlywink, but I'm not taking the time to make wiser meal choices. I also haven't been exercising as much as I'd like. Again, because it's such an effort. Walking is great to help heal from a c-section. However, with how stinking hot it's been during the day, and how exhausted I am by the relative cool of the evening, my planned daily, or even every other day, walk hasn't been happening. Some days it's hard enough to get dressed or to find time for a five minute shower, let alone cook a bloody meal. And cooking equals more dishes. {sigh}

LOL Shit! I just remembered I used to think it was too much of a bother to go swimming or exercise every day. I wanna reach back in time and slap myself. All I was responsible for was getting me to and from the pool, or out the door to walk/whatever. Now I have to take all my stuff plus everything for Kiddlywink as well. Most often I end up feeding her in the change rooms before we come back home again. Talk about an excursion!

I'm starting to sound like I'm complaining. Ugh. I'm not really, it's just a bit of a shock to realise that even though I've been kind to my body by resting as I can, that I've also been fooling myself about how bad I've been treating myself otherwise. And fooling myself about how much I've been using Kiddlywink and my tiredness as an excuse. I'm only going to get tireder the fatter I get!

It' hard to realise that now, I HAVE to start taking the time to exercise and cook. That even though all I can do is put a few groceries in the bottom of the stroller for each trip, then that's what I have to do. So what if I have to go twice this week just to get a nice amount of veggies/fruit, so be it. We're out, we didn't get time to go this weekend, so I have to suck it up and do it. Am figuring I'll probably get a fair few frozen veg, but hey, at least they're better than nothing! And they stand more chance of me finding time to cook them and eat them.

Anyone else, especially you Mums/Dads and those of you that work full time or have very busy schedules, got tips for how to ease on back into this exercising and cooking healthy stuff?

Control Issues.

2009-09-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

For weeks now I've been feeling like absolute shite. I'm recovering from the birth, but I've felt like I'd hit a wall and was going no farther. A couple weeks ago, Alaskaboy noticed that despite my use of Breathe Right strips, (which I'd discovered thanks to my dad) I was still having disturbed sleep.

Yes, yes, I know I'm the mother of a young baby plus also needing to go to the bathroom a lot thanks to the surgery, but this was something different. The slight sleep apnea that I started having during the latter stages of my pregnancy has not gone away like I'd assumed. In fact, Alaskaboy and I figured out it's the main reason I've been so exhausted. I mean, months later still falling asleep on the toilet and couch? Without even realising I've fallen asleep? Total body exhaustion.

It's taken me a few trial and errors, but I've figured out a way to get better quality sleep, without hopefully having to get a CPAP machine: Different, higher pillows for my head, one under my arm like a teddy bear to take some of the weight off my chest and throat, and of course the nasal strips. It's amazing the difference it makes having fewer episodes per sleep session.

After reading up on helpful hints etc, I got stuck on one particular point all of the data agreed upon: Losing weight. I've been debating with myself ever since about going to buy some scales. Some days I'm resolute that I'll be getting them, other days the thought of bringing them into the house nauseates me. Finally, last weekend I decided that I would purchase them.

Funnily enough, I've come up with a new excuse every day since as to why I don't get to the shops before they close. It's too hot to go out; I'm too tired; I was tending Kiddlywink all day, etc etc etc. Today, after watching Disfigured over the course of a few baby feedings, it hit me that I'd actually related more to the anorexic character in the film than the overweight ones. During a big sob session, it also shed light on why I hadn't gone out and bought those scales.

Why?

Control.

Now that I'm getting a little more quality sleep, I have the energy to feel what I'm feeling, rather than losing it all in the sleep-deprived haze. And what I'm feeling is; that I feel like I've lost control of my life. Well, I've lost my illusion of control anyway.

The birth wasn't as I wanted it, neither was the immediate aftermath. So many things I thought would happen a certain way, almost seemed to go out of their way to happen the opposite. I feel robbed and cheated and let down. But I haven't had the energy, due to the sleep deprivation, to actually feel them. If that makes sense?

I have no problem with my appearance, it's pretty much the same as it's always been, with the addition of a few more stretch marks and slightly floppier and looser bits. They'll tone up in time eventually. But will the numbness go away? Will the incontinence? Will the sleep apnea? It's my body and yet it's not.

With my body clock having to follow Kiddlywink's waking patterns, on top of all those other issues I just mentioned, I'm feeling like I have lost control of myself and my life. And the “lose 10% body weight to beat the apnea” instruction from those websites began to sing its seductive song.

Deep down I knew all along exactly who'd be in control though. The scales. Before long they'd be dictating my moods and giving me the bragging rights of just how many kilos I'd lost. And thus I was flirting with dieting thinking again and it's shocked the shit outta me. Why do I need the scales to tell me when I've lost the magic 10%? What if the apnea doesn't go away after losing 10%? What if it goes away before that?

Instead of bewailing my weight and the state of my house...I have to take the sure fire clue my messy house has been giving me and declutter the state of my mind instead. Focus on what's really the problem, instead of what's merely one of the symptoms. By this I mean, my house is acceptably messy for the situation I'm in. The actual symptom is my focus on getting my house “perfectly” clean and because it's not I can beat myself up about what a bad housewife I am. Thus taking away the heat from my real problems. Hey, I'm managing to get most of the dishes done every night, as well as cleaning and sterilising baby girl's stuff.

Let me say that again. I wash most of the dishes, sometimes all of them, every single night! Something I couldn't even manage while getting excellent sleep without a baby! So it's definitely not the housework that's the real issue, now is it?

I don't need scales to tell me I'm getting healthier...when my sleep apnea disappears, it'll have disappeared. No number on the scale will make it disappear. So why bother getting a scale to measure those totally useless numbers?

What will make it disappear is giving my body time to recover completely from the pregnancy and surgery. Giving myself time to recover my fitness and muscle tone. I'll know when I start regaining more health than I already have, because not only will I sleep better, but my energy levels plus my clothes will tell me so.

I don't need scales to regain control. What I do need is to allow myself to work through the disappointments, hurts, fears and grief that has come over the past few months. Work through them instead of hanging on to them like I have been. The control I do need to have won't be found by weighing myself. What I need to do is what I've done in the past: Allow the outflow of emotions in a safe and constructive way rather than trying to control them by corralling them behind an impenetrable wall of numbers.

That, and getting more good quality sleep. Speaking of... ZzzZZzz

Pregnancy Coat

2009-08-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

I've seen horses desperately scrubbing against fence posts, or inelegantly flailing their legs as they roll around on their backs on the grass. The unfriendliest cat one relative ever had, would, out of sheer desperation, deign to have his back scratched by us at least once a year. And Dr Kay's short-haired dog loved it the one unseasonably warm winter we stayed for a visit, when Alaskaboy set to work with his masterful fingers scratching fast and furious.

Before, I would laugh at the silly expressions of ineffable relief they'd invariably display.

Now, I can sympathise.

Due to the heat plus not having time to do more than wash and shake--and even that rarely of late--I got my hair cut a few weeks ago. So short is this nice new 'do that it's about an inch and a bit long. A few days ago I found out another convenience of having my hair this short.

I'm molting!

Yes, that's right, shedding my pregnancy coat!

And just like all those animals I laughed at previously, I too pull funny faces as I treat myself to the human equivalent of the curry comb.

Sometimes in desperation, I'll lean over the bathroom sink and look exactly like the mad scientist grabbing fistfuls of his hair and pulling them out!

And like any other shedding creature...my hair is EVERYwhere! Poor Kiddlywink, she even had piece in her mouth the other day.

Honestly! Every day I feel like I've been back to the hairdresser. You know how it is: No matter how well they tighten the plastic cloak, or brush you off afterwards, unless you go home and have a shower, you'll spend the rest of the day itching all over as those tiny little hairs prickle you mercilessly.

ARRGH! I'm off to have a shower.

Eowyn Challenge.

2009-08-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Di Francis, I came across this website:

It looks like a fun way to have a goal for exercise. There's even maps and things to mark your progress on. :D Now... to choose which journey I want to do. Anyone else want to join in with me?

"Walk, run, hike, bike, blade, swim - if you can measure the distance, you can do this challenge. Keep a log, and record your daily or weekly miles and the type of exercise. For walkers and hikers, you might want to invest in a walking meter, they look like wristwatches. Otherwise, you can estimate your distance at 1 mile for every 20 minutes of brisk walking on a flat surface. Our original suggested deadline was the opening of The Return of the King December 17, 2003. As this glorious day is now past, we are setting new goals, new times

If you would like to set a long term distance goal, choose any one of the following:

THE LORD OF THE RINGS:

458 miles: Go from Hobbiton to Rivendell.

462 miles: Set out with the Fellowship from Rivendell to Lothlorien.

389 miles: Travel through Moria and down the Anduin from Lothlorien to Rauros Falls.

355 miles: Follow the path of Merry and Pippin from Rauros to Isengard.

484 miles: Follow the path of Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli from Rauros to Isengard.

470 miles: Follow Frodo and Sam on the quest from Rauros to Mt. Doom.

517 miles: Ride with Gandalf and Pippin from Isengard to Minas Tirith.

786 miles: Travel with Aragorn from Isengard to Dunharrow through the Paths of the Dead to Minas Tirith.

578 miles: Ride with Merry and the Rohirrim from Isengard to Dunharrow to Edoras to Minas Tirith.

138 miles: Follow Aragorn from Minas Tirith to the Morannon.

120 miles: Return for Aragorn’s crowning from the Morannon to Minas Tirith.

1625 miles: Take the road home with the hobbits from Minas Tirith to Hobbiton.

535 miles from Minas Tirith to Isengard
693 miles from Isengard to Rivendell.
397 miles from Rivendell to Bag End.

467 miles: Follow Frodo to the Grey Havens and return home with Sam.

THE HOBBIT:

397 miles: Travel with Bilbo from Bag End to Rivendell.

570 Miles: Travel with Bilbo from Rivendell to Lonely Mountain.

'Nother Quick Update

2009-08-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

-This has been our first week alone, without slaves of the family variety, since Kiddlywink was born. Alaskaboy has also been back at work a couple of weeks now.

-Kiddlywink, (and us) has been missing everyone, and consequently hasn't wanted to sleep anywhere but on me during the day. Of a night she sleeps fine, but I'm still only getting approx no more than three hours broken sleep. After six nights of that plus staying on the couch with her all day...I broke down and begged Alaskaboy on the phone Thursday night to take Friday off. They were unable to replace him, because I'd left it so late. Same with Monday or Tuesday!

-In desperation, I put Kiddlywink into her favourite sleeping position--on her stomach which we usually only allow her to do in her Boppy Play Gym while supervised--and slept on the couch cushions on the floor right beside the play gym.

-Suddenly, with a few extra naps here and there, the world isn't such a godawful place.

-We've learned that I have to supplement with formula, I don't produce enough milk to satisfy her. I stubbornly kept trying for over two weeks, assuming that since she was dropping off to sleep after each feed she was full, and she only gained half as much weight during that time as she was s'posed to. Plus got a bit dehydrated. The doctor also suggested giving her up to 2 * 30 ml servings of sterilized, cooled water per day as she needs it. Some days she wants none, other days she drinks the full 60 mls, some days only wants a half ounce at a time. My daughter LIKES water, both to play in and to drink. Hooray! (0-3 month old swimsuits are THE cutest thing !)

-Have discovered I need to drink one bottle of gatorade per day, to prevent cramps and my own dehydration. Have been very grateful to the rellies that helped stock up the freezers and fridge completely with pre-cooked meals. Have made it so much easier. Just nuke it and then shove in the food one handed. Funnily enough, I'm still eating intuitively.

-I haven't weighed myself since my first postpartum doctor's visit. Conveniently, our own scale broke around the time I was in hospital. We'd had it in the one position that long in the bathroom, that when we went to move it to clean the floor, the rubber foot stayed stuck to the floor and the spring-loaded leg snapped off. We probably won't be buying another. I'm still bloated from the surgery, plus breastfeeding, so there's less point than usual in weighing myself.

-I'll be taking a photo once per month in my bathing suit as a judge of my progress. At the moment, I'm so out of shape, (hate to imagine what I'd've been like if I HADN'T exercised my whole way through the pregnancy) plus still rehabbing from the surgery etc that a one mile stroll is an achievement akin to completing an Ironwoman competition. Not too bad consideringa few weeks ago going to the bathroom used to feel equivalent to that.

-Despite all the blahness, unfitness, lack of sleep etc, I'm loving being a Mum. She can make me smile even in the middle of an exhausted weeping fit.

Three Recent Signs

2009-07-19T03:38:00.000-07:00

Three different yet equally compelling signs, all indicating how fortunate I've been lately.

1.) While eating lunch at a Mongolian BBQ restaurant I failed to receive, for the first time ever at any Asian place that has the custom, a fortune in my cookie. It made me pause and consider that perhaps I have already had my lotto-win-sized proportion of good fortune for the year.

2) While sitting on the sidelines with Kiddlywink as Alaskaboy and Alaskagirl attended a water aerobics class, Favourite Lifeguard Number 2 came up and spoke to me. When I explained a little how I'd gotten sick and had to deliver her early and I'd nearly died, he put his hand on my arm, looked deep into my eyes and said, "I'm very, very glad that you didn't die. We would have missed you." Then, he went on to explain how his brother's girlfriend had been six months pregnant recently and also gotten sick(without mentioning with what exactly). Unfortunately, she ended up in a coma. Fortunately, they were able to save the baby. But what again made me pause and really shook me to my core. . .the woman actually died.

3) How do I know it could have been me? When in for my six week check up, I asked Dr Awesome some of the questions I'd been too brain foggy, or unconscious, to think of asking. One of which concerned Kiddlywink's APGAR scores. Not really worth much in the long run, but nice to know anyway. "Her APGAR scores were 8 or 9, she was fine. It was you who did your very best to die." And once again, his cheerful demeanour disappeared momentarily as we all pondered that last sentence of his.

I'd like you all to take a few moments out of your day, for as many days in a row as you like, and consider the things in your life that make you fortunate, and be thankful for even the smallest amount of good fortune.

Today, I'm thankful for a) the ability to produce some breast milk, b) not only the mere existence of electric breast pumps, but the fact my health insurance covers most of the rental for a hospital grade one, and c) that formula has improved enough to allow for premature babies and their special dietary needs.

And yes, currently we're making use of all three to feed Kiddlywink. Feeding her from my breasts, then topping her off with formula and previously expressed breast milk. The Daily logs we're keeping of both my pumped volume and her eating and elimination amounts is truly fascinating. She is SO intuitive. More on that in a bit though.

Kiddlywink's Birth Story: Part Two.

2009-07-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

Part One.

After signing in to the Labour and Delivery Ward, (thankfully we'd preregistered,) we were ushered to a room, where I put on the first of many hospital gowns I'd wear over the next week. Despite having preregistered, there was still a bazillion pages of paperwork I had to fill out. Authorizations for all kinds of drugs/procedures etc etc. Kinda weird really, but I guess this is sue-crazy America, so they'll shove paperwork at you all day long in an attempt to avoid having to pay out in a lawsuit.

The first drugs I received in my brand-spankin' new I.V. were a blood pressure medication and magnesium sulfate. The first to prevent a stroke and the other to prevent possible convulsions. One of the reasons I'd wanted to avoid an epidural, apart from the whole stick a needle in your spine aspect, was to avoid the regular taking of my blood pressure. With how tight they have to pump the cuffs, I often end up bruised after a routine doctor's visit...imagine how I felt at the idea of it being taking with an automated cuff every 15 minutes? Yet there I was, hooked up to the infernal machine.

Machines I should say. There was also the fetal monitor. This lovely thing they cinched TIGHT around my belly in the hopes of getting it to stay in place to track Kiddlywink's heartbeat. I don't know why they bothered because she sure as hell didn't stay in the one place! LOL There was also the lovely catheter. Convenient that I didn't need to get up and go to the toilet. What I mostly focused on though was my raging thirst. I was allowed nil by mouth, and I dunno about you, but a drip may hydrate the body but I STILL wanted a drink, dammit. My mouth was doubly dry, from fear as well as thirst.

Many tests, and hours, later, Dr Awesome finally arrived. My lab results had come back and yes, it was as he'd feared, HELLP Syndrome. The reason he'd waited so long to operate on me was because he wanted to get those lab results back before proceeding. (I'll forever be grateful he made me wait those interminable hours. I found out later, if he hadn't, he wouldn't have known just how low my platelet levels were, and there would have been a real possibility of bleeding out on the table...just like sufferers of HELLP did in the past when they didn't have even the little knowledge they have nowadays about how to deal with it.)

The choice of inducing me had disappeared when they'd seen my cervix was closed completely and Kiddlywink hadn't “dropped” yet. And now, any chance I had of even being awake, including a caesarean with the dreaded epidural, was zero. Add yet more paperwork to be hurriedly signed before they shaved me down below and all of a sudden it was all systems go. Alaskaboy was handed scrubs to put on and they whisked me off to the operating theatre, for a good old fashioned birth: under general anesthetic.

Alaskaboy struggled to get the scrubs on as fast as he could, and followed my gurney out to the theatre. At this point, I was more worried about Kiddlywink than myself--ignorance truly is bliss--and hoped that she was well-formed enough to survive. My subconscious mothering instincts had prevented me from calling in to the doctor any time over the previous ten days. A good thing as it turned out. 34 weeks is the cut off point. One day earlier and she'd have had to go to the super scary, teeny tiny babies' NICU and not the “normal” NICU.

Laying there in the surgery, listening to them discussing their pre-op stuff, it made me smile on the inside despite the pain I was in; the attitudes/conversations and preparation sounds were somehow reminiscent of every single kitchen I've worked in.

Then we were informed that due to the nature and seriousness of my surgery, Alaskaboy would NOT be allowed into the theatre at all.

He was to wait outside.

In that moment, Alaskaboy, standing in the doorway, and me, lying on the operating table as they started to strap me down and my belly up, locked gazes. My absurd thought in that moment was, “God, it's just like in a movie!”

Truly, it was. Last time we'd shared a gaze this intense was as I walked down the aisle towards him on our wedding day. Now, as then, we stared into each others eyes for a few short, but highly charged seconds, and then had to look away. I wanted to drown in his eyes, but I couldn't bear the depths of the emotions contained within them. Nor could I bear the tears that had started to form. The first time, they'd been hard enough to see when they were tears of immense joy. Now they were caused by terror. Realising just how afraid and distraught he was, increased my own feelings tenfold.

Then the door was shut in his face, and he had to wait outside, and pray.

And even though I was in a crowded room, I felt dreadfully alone.

Quick Update.

2009-07-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

I'm working on some posts: about learning even more about intuitive eating from my daughter; continuing the birth story; and a couple of others are brewing in the brain, but for now, here's a quick Kiddlywink update.

Age: 5 weeks (almost to her original anticipated birth day! lol)
Weight: 2.95 kg / 6.5 lbs
Holding head up: 5 seconds, while looking around.
Breast feeding: Getting better at it. Latches first go usually now, and eats on average 20mls(then switches to bottle) per each of the three feeds we're managing to coordinate in a daytime period.
Chubby Cheeks? Check!
Baby Belly? Check!
Farts? You bet! Like a brewery draft horse!
Likes: taking turns sleeping on her four current slaves' chests, eating, tummy time, snuggling, bath time, clean diapers.
Dislikes: the diaper changing process, being buckled into car seat, outfit changes, hiccups, passing gas, slack service at this restaurant...food's tasty though.

And of course, the obligatory pictures!

Let's Dance!

Stick 'Em Up!

{Burp!} Excusez-moi!

Hiding From Sun on 4th July.

My, What A Serious frown You Have!

And our current favourite...

Kiddlywink's Birth Story: Part One

2009-06-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

The morning of our 34 week appointment dawned with me having had less than a few hours sleep...no different from any of the previous 30 mornings. But the last ten days or so had been because of that pesky pain in my side, rather than peeing every half an hour. In fact I'd been peeing less, because I'd been drinking less and eating less due to aforementioned pain. My pee, naturally, as a result progressively got darker over the 34th week.

Alaskaboy had been starting later and later each day as the week progressed into night shoots, and happily was able to come with me to my appointment; with enough time to drive us back home again before needing to go into work. (When Alaskaboy's boss found out he'd missed several ultrasounds, he insisted that he go to all of the later ones and they'd cover for him at work the necessary hour+ it took to do so.)

We arrived, then I was duly weighed (pleased I hadn't gained any weight since last weigh despite the cankles that wouldn't go away all of a sudden) and deposited my lovely cola-coloured smidgen of pee into the cup. The nurse took my blood pressure, and said something about me needing to drink more and that the cuff must be faulty or something. Eventually she got a reading and left.

Dr Awesome took longer to come in than usual, and I figured his last patient was running late or something, so Alaskaboy and I continued our conversation of how to get some more stuff tidied over the weekend. I felt confident to help with a little more than I'd been able to recently, considering I'd had a huge burst of energy and cleaned the kitchen and washed all the dishes the previous night. For weeks I'd been fretting over the need to get the house tidied and stuff for Kiddlywink ready. I was certain she'd come at least two weeks prior to her due date, since my family has a history of eager beavers born early. LOL (Myself included: 5 weeks early and 2 lb 12 oz at birth.)

Dr Awesome finally came in and asked how I was feeling. I assumed he was feeling tired and overworked because the usual happy vibe I got from him was missing. I explained about the “pulled muscle” in my side or possible popped rib. He asked a few more questions that I really don't remember, and then HE took my blood pressure. I frowned at Alaskaboy, because, hello! Doctors leave that sort of shit up to the nurses.

Then he broke the news to us. My urine sample had returned a +4 result for protein. (Apparently a rather bad result to receive.) To top it off, my blood pressure was currently 180/110.

Say what? The HIGHEST I'd ever been before was 130/80 and that was in the middle of all those anxiety attacks. (And once earlier in the pregnancy.) 180/110 is stroke territory!

Those results plus the pain in my side meant I was to be admitted to the hospital for more tests and would likely be having my baby that very day: I most probably had preeclampsia, or something worse. What had been a normal healthy pregnancy was now suddenly a possible life or death situation.

On the way to the hospital from Dr Awesome's office we each were busy on our mobile phones, notifying the various people we had to of our changed circumstances. I felt awful calling my parents during the wee hours of the morning their time, but I figured the situation warranted it. To this day, I believe my mother went into complete shock upon hearing what I had to say. Punctuating most of her conversation were several phrases along the lines of, “It's 4 o'clock in the morning!” She'd fixated on the mundane annoyance rather than taking in the horrible news I'd just given them...from half way around the world.

A Little Ray Of Sunshine.

2009-06-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

I distinctly remember asking Alaskaboy at some point during the first four days of Kiddlywink's life, "What's it like, being able to hold our daughter?" I of course was unable to go to her and she was unable to come to me, us being in our respective ICU beds.

The utterly besotted look that came over his face lit up my/our room like the sun breaking through cloud cover. "Even though I'm so exhausted, I'm nodding off while holding her, I always want to stay that little bit longer. When I can't sleep, I go to the NICU (because they let parents in any time they like) and spend an hour just holding her. She makes everything worthwhile."

This song came out a few years before I was born, but it's always been my and my dad's anthem. Today I watched Alaskaboy feeding our own little ray of sunshine, while listening to this song.

It added a whole new depth of meaning to this beautiful song.

We found out today at the lactation consultation, Kiddlywink has gained to almost 5 lbs. She was also able to successfully breastfeed for the first time since her birth. We've got a way to go before we can end the "expressing breast milk to feed by bottle plus supplementing by formula" stage we're currently in. But! She was big enough to actually latch and eat successfully today. Ate a whole 14 mls. (currently an actual feed is between 40-60mls)

Now we enter a whole new stage. Which is funny, we went to the lactation consult hoping it would get easier than what we're currently doing and enable Alaskaboy to go back to work. Instead, the feeding stuff is now more complicated but it will be worth it in the long run.

Currently I pump milk every three(or thereabouts) hours to go into the fridge for a later feed. We feed her approximately half milk and half made up formula every three hours. (The ratio can vary depending on how much breast milk is in that particular bottle and how much formula she requires after that to be full.) Not to mention diapering the baby, washing and sterilising bottle and pump parts etc

We trialled me doing everything myself for twenty four hours...hoping Alaskaboy'd be able to go back to work this week. (Next week and a half week after that is all the work left until a four week hiatus.) Trying to do it all myself, if each cycle went perfectly--which of course it rarely does--I'd get 40 mins bed time every three hours...all day long. As you'd guess, especially with me still recovering from nearly dying not too long ago, it ended in me strung out and sobbing in complete exhaustion.

Now after the lactation consultation, we'll be weighing* her before each day time feed then putting her to the breast. When she's done with that, we weigh again. (Each gram of extra weight means one ml of milk eaten) THEN we top off with expressed milk and formula as per now. And I still have to pump.

Eventually, she'll get stronger and stay longer at the breast. Eventually, I hope to produce enough milk to feed her completely myself. Eventually, we hope it will get easier. We're still hoping Alaskaboy can get back to do Some work before hiatus.

But it doesn't matter what we have to do. Because even with the extra work and sleeplessness, the money we're not earning, as Alaskaboy and the song said, "She makes everything worthwhile."

*We've ordered a cool scale that once she's successfully feeding enough we don't need to weigh her anymore, we can swap out the baby tray for the mail/letter attachment. :D We'd been wanting to get one for ages with the amount of packages we send, now we have a twofer! LOL

Kiddlywink's Second* Favourite Restaurant.

2009-06-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Alaskaboy was sitting at the dining table, Kiddlywink's butt sidesaddle on his leg and her head/neck in one of his hands in their favourite feeding position.

I was mashing an avocado to have with crackers for my soon-to-be session with the pump.

In a terrible French accent mastered by B-film actors the world over, he says to her a-la waiter, "For tonaght's firrrst course, we have zee bottle of meeelk! Would you like to try? No?"

Since she was in the middle of a stretch I asked him, in an even worse French accent, "Madamoiselle wishes to know, ees eet from zee region of Tittee or from zee Can?"

"From zee Grrrrrand Tittee!"

LOL

(Second course was as you'd guess, from the can.)

*In the NICU the service was like clockwork; fast and efficient too. Here, we're not quite as prompt, but we're like one of those hole in the wall joints that ya just keep coming back to. :)

Mixed Bag.

2009-06-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

- Kiddlywink has gained 10 ozs since friday. She's now 4lb 10ozs; a full pound over her birth weight. :)

- Her umbilical stump fell off this afternoon.

- I left my cell phone, the brand new one we got a few weeks ago to replace the one I lost during a pregnancy-hormones-induced lapse of memory, in my trouser pocket...and Alaskaboy was so tired he forgot to check all the pockets for about the first time since we've been married...

- Did I mention the tired? It's like no other kind of tired I've EVER experienced. And that's with Alaskaboy doing more than his fair share to help give me time to recover, and my mother-in-law doing all the dishes and most of cooking.

- And yet Alaskaboy, mom-in-law, and now my abdominals, are nagging me to do even less! "You had major surgery and you almost died! It hasn't even been two weeks yet! REST!" He "should" be going back to work next week and I "should" be able to cope with just Mom here. But he's not, and I can't. Is this the Mummy guilt they talk about, that I'm feeling?

- Kiddlywink' suck is too immature to latch on and feed from me without her tiring out before getting enough calories. (I also have flat nipples, need to see a lactation consultant about that!) So, I'm pumping breast milk and we're supplementing with formula.

- Successfully managed to juggle pumping (using a hands-free bustier) and bottle feeding at the same time. Felt proud for that.

- ESPECIALLY since pumping tends to knock me out cold!

- Am still eating completely intuitively which is a big relief. Was afraid I'd overeat with how tired/rundown I am.

- Walking is hard, not just because of the wounds (coughing is a BITCH AND A HALF!) but also my lung capacity is much lower than it was. Am told it's a side effect of being pregnant as well as the general anesthetic. Hope I improve quickly, I miss nice long walks.

- Am still having very satisfying naps while sitting on the toilet. Sometimes even for an hour long! LOL

- Even more in love than I was last week. :D

Catch yas later!

Birth Announcement.

2009-06-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

After coming down with HELLP syndrome, Kada was given an emergency
cesarean section under general anesthetic last week. (Briefly: platelet
levels 36 requiring 2 transfusions. BP 180/110, coca cola coloured pee,
liver basically shut down almost completely)

Baby girl Kiddlywink born 3lb 10 ozs. (4lbs at discharge.) (For her privacy, in public internet places we'll still be using her pseudonym of Kiddlywink.)

Glamour Shot

Both of us spent a week in icu and are now home. Eating, sleeping, using
the bathroom and snuggling are the main activities for all three of us,
as you would expect. LOL

Daddy

Glamour shot was taken in the NICU the day after she was born. The rest
have been taken there and at home over the last week or so.

Going Home

Mummy

Kiddlywink!

More pictures and updates to come as we get a hang of this parenting
thing. (Not tooo many though. We'll try not to be one of those sets of
parents sending far too many pics of their lil' darling! lol)

Love,
Alaskaboy and Kada
Completely besotted parents of Kiddlywink.

Kiddlywink is Here!

2009-06-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

Due to sudden onset of HELLP Syndrome, Kiddlywink McDonald was welcomed into the world the old fashioned way: Mummy under general anesthesia and Daddy sitting outside surgical theatre waiting for news.

Have had a rough week but both Mum and Kiddlywink are healthy. I came home this evening, Kiddlywink comes home tomorrow; we're off tonight to buy the bare necessities of the nursery.

Will update as I get a chance.

Mmm sleeep, how I miss you already!

(Alaskagirl's comment on Previous Post, now up here on main page to see}
BLOG UPDATE 6/2/09: Kada tried to have me sign in and update the blog properly, but it wouldn't let me for some reason, so hopefully dedicated readers will check these comments.

What Kada thought were the normal pains of late pregnancy was actually HELLP syndrome, and as a result, she had an emergency C-section. Kiddlywink has joined us in breathing air, and quite well, too, for such an early, tiny baby.

Both Kada and Kiddlywink are doing well (now). Kiddlywink is over 3.5 pounds, and apparently the spitting image of her daddy. She gets time to sleep on her daddy's chest (kangaroo care), and Kada is well enough to do some care too.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2009-05-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

Mum called to say that an ambulance had just arrived to take Nan back to the hospital for reevaluation.
The pain hasn't really gone away and as of Thursday she's been incontinent every time she's stood up.
The urologist who came out to see her yesterday suggested there's something more going on than just the fractured pelvis, possibly nerve damage.
They went to take her in today, but couldn't get her to move: Apparently the pain she's describing as "worse than childbirth."
Thus the ambulance with the nice strong men and pain drugs.

And me? I'm at the unfun part of being pregnant. Can't breathe properly. Can't fit more than a half cup of food or water in my stomach at any one time and not more than a few times a day. Feel like I've got both a pulled stomach muscle from coughing AND a floating rib in the back there somewhere. And the lovely Braxton Hicks contractions are starting to HURT now.
Can't even sit in a position that's comfy to blog about it, and crying is hard to do when can't breathe very well, so that's adding to the anxiety and miserableness that I can't get it out in my usual ways.
Off to blubber on my obgyn's shoulder tomorrow at 11am. {sigh}

There's been other stuff going on, both good and bad, but see unable to blog.

Bit o' this, bit o' that.

2009-05-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was feeling somewhat less sore and sorry for myself. So, I made sure I took my new way of doing things under advisement. Don't do what I think I should be able for, do what I can! Because, really? Going like a bull at a gate trying to get everything done leads to one or more recovery days. Days that I could have had the same amount of work spread out over them with a lot less pain and aggravation for all concerned!

Thus, I went to Ralphs to pick up the puff pastry I forgot on Monday. I also checked out a local Motherhood Maternity in case they, by some freakish chance, actually had some clothes in my size. Besides walking/waddling--mmm nice cool mall--is good for a sore back, or so I'd heard. My back was definitely less irritated with me because I remembered to take a thinnish cushion to support my upper and middle back. (Thanks to pedal extenders, I can put seat back to where legs and belly are comfy, but as of about a two weeks ago, arms are now too short and I'm hunching forward to barely reach the steering wheel.)

After no luck then I almost gave up and went home, but instead of pouting I went to Costco. The thought of pushing one of those big trolleys around, in the heat especially, had me feeling nervous. But I psyched myself up with thoughts of what women have to do in other parts of the world with a toddler on each hip AND one in the belly! Pushing a trolley? Piece of cake!

Luckily it was only a few staples like milk, eggs, chicken (whole and breasts), fruit'n'veg, nuts etc but those bulk packets add up pretty quick! When I got home, I remembered to use the hand truck this time, AND even one better, left it at the top of the step or two coming up from the garage. Threw all the stuff on it, then up the elevator and inside. Wasn't able to put the truck away though as lifting it back up out of the horizontal and reconfiguring it to vertical position was beyond me at that point.

I did get the groceries put away. and ate some lunch. Mmmm cheese and crackers with fresh pear and kiwi fruit, plus Ribena with sparkling mineral water.

I debated with myself about doing some dishes and/then cooking chickens, sausage rolls and or soup (or cook all of the above and ignore the dishes), but again forcefully reminded myself of my new manifesto for more even work habits rather than fits and starts So I compromised, I roasted the two chickens and left the rest of the to do items alone.

Speaking of, I wonder if I've been eating enough fat recently, or if it was just something about the chicken fat yesterday that had me going hog wild? I like crispy chicken skin, but in small portions and only straight out of the oven. Usually I have my piece of chicken with the skin on and I'm satisfied. The rest of the chicken I eat is skin free, even if I go back for more in the same meal. Yesterday, for afternoon tea I ate all of the skin from one chicken, and one drumstick skin portion of the other. (plus two drumsticks, one thigh and two wings.) Also hinting to lacking in something, I then went and slept off the 'snack'. Dinner was again what I was hungry for but simply almonds, fruit, and yoghurt. (This has also been continuing to amaze me, this wanting so much fruit when it's hot. A pregnancy dietary change I hope I can continue once Kiddlywink arrives.)

I didn't want to have to buy any more maternity clothes, but yesterday I realised that if the weather continues this hot, I'm gonna needs some more shorts and tops. (Normal cut, but larger, ones aren't comfy anymore. Belly needs the support from the pregnancy clothes.) Oh! And plus nightgowns for when visitors are here. Oddly enough, in the plus size clothes the ONLY clothes they have for nursing are nightgowns and bras. Plenty of nursing tops/blouses/workclothes etc for slim women but NONE at all for plus size. NONE! (Overweight women only nurse in the bedroom, obviously.) I thought I couldn't be any more shocked about clothing discrimination...and then I find out the next level.

A completely disgraceful amount of money later, I have a blouse/shorts set, 2 nightgowns (one I'll have to alter to short sleeve), 1 pair Capri pants, and 1 tank top. Thankfully, with sizing I did allow for these to be worn after the birth also. The disgraceful amount of money looks truly shock worthy once I converted it to Australian dollars. (Used up the birthday and Christmas money I had stashed away there, as well as some of our Aussie trip spending money left over from last time.) With needing to buy blinds for the windows, hopefully to cut down on enough of the awful heat in Kiddlywink's room, (as I discovered yesterday during afternoon nap,) and possibly need to also purchase an air conditioner, I didn't feel justified hitting up any of the other budgetary categories for the money for these clothes. Especially when there was money in my Aussie account. (Also bought another indoor clothes airer last week with the account as well, so now it's looking kinda deflated.)

After an instant messenger convo with Dr Kay, plus then a virtual shopping trip with Raina (both looking at website and comparing things we like via instant messenger) at one of my new favouritest shops. Santa will DEFINITLY be doing shopping there later this year! I felt much better.

Felt even better when I realised in two weeks Raina will be having a layover at LAX on her way to somewhere else in the US. (And she then confirmed her family trip to California is ON for later this year. YEEHAW!) So, no coffee/snacks after the virtual shopping trip, but we're saving it for the layover.

And that's part of what I've been missing lately. Everyone has been so busy lately, me included, either working, being sick, having operations, or with just general life stuff, that we really haven't had time for our regular phonecalls/emails/IMs etc. And when we have connected up, me and Alaskagirl in particular {pout}, we've sort of been ships in the night. Timing for one has sucked for the other.

No WONDER I've been feeling lonely! The little social life I do have had fizzled badly over the past 6 weeks or so and I hadn't really noticed, other than subconsciously, because of how busy/tired I'd also been.

Come bed time? Was SO very glad I'd drawn the line with the chores. My hip was even less happy than the night before. (At one point I didn't know if I'd be able to complete cleaning myself after the toilet, let alone get back up off the thing!) So, first thing this morning I went for a swim again. (literally, was up at 7:30am, almost unheard of these days!) Back enjoyed that once the kinks and aches stopped hurting.

This afternoon I have a maternity tour of the hospital, thankfully only an hour long, but will be driving home in peak hour. Will see how the bod goes after that. May end back at the pool again this evening.

Happy Thursday!(Friday if you're in the Southern Hemisphere!)

Ups and Downs.

2009-05-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

The nesting instinct is a bitch. Especially when coupled with looser joints/ligaments.

Frustrated by how fickle my energy levels have been recently, I celebrated yesterday's high energy day by going grocery shopping. I covered Ralph's but skipped Costco in favour of coming home for lunch. When I got home I realised it was probably the smartest move to make as it took me four trips to and fro to just get those groceries into the house.

Had lunch, threw one corned beef into the freezer and put the other two on to cook. Yes, that's three of them. Considering we haven't been able to find any since February, I took my chances while the getting was good! (At least the brand we get, which is the only one we can find with their spices still contained in the little plastic packet instead of mixed in with the beef. They all used to do that. Why change? Ruined the flavour completely the one time we went ahead and bought one anyway.) While that was cooking I called mum to natter a bit. Have been feeling a bit down lately and it kinda came out when I blubbered on the phone at her. (funny aside, our family is known for it's twilightzone-like coincidences..and what did mum pull out of the fridge and put on to cook while I was on the phone? A corned beef. Again, something they haven't had in ages and just happened to pick up the day before.)

I know that I have chosen, and continue to choose, to live in this city with Alaskaboy. That fact doesn't change how I FEEL. Especially not here and now with pregnancy hormones adding their own unique impetus to things. I feel lonely. Engagement and Marriage was bad enough with both families spread so far apart. At least in some small way we had nearby friends to help fill the gap a little.

Now, there are no friends nearby.

Mum and Dad had hoped to be able to time their holidays to come out for the birth, but that just wasn't feasible. Mom and Dad aren't sure if they'll be able to come out now at all because of the knee-replacement surgery Mom had a few weeks ago. Especially with this latest flu scare. Mom must avoid any chance of catching any form of viral or bacterial infection, else her knee could end up all kinds of screwed up. And Alaskagirl? She had jury duty the other week which has hampered her efforts to try and get enough work done to take some time off to allow for her own family commitments as well as possibly coming to visit us for a week. Dr Kay, apart from never having had children, also has family, social and work commitments, as well as a new relationship on her very full plate.

After visiting Alaskaboy's work last week, I realised just how lonely I have been feeling. Not just lonely, but also uncelebrated. To Alaskaboy and I, this is our first wanted pregnancy and is extremely special. To the rest of the world, it's nice and all, but they have their own lives to lead. (Which is as it should be.)

Logically, I understand all of this stuff. Emotionally? Fuck no!

Last week at his work, hearing all the "pregnant lady coming through" comments. Or having people ask how it's going, giving advice, telling their own stories etc etc It hammered home the loneliness. I know I have my virtual workplace with all of you guys encouraging me along. I have family and friends to be grateful for. I have a wonderful supportive husband. But apart from that husband, there's only me and Kiddlywink here.

Where's the icing on my cake? I want the baby shower with all the fun and games. A cake for wishing me well on my maternity leave at work. I want to go shopping with family and friends. I want people to rub my belly. I want it to be easy to receive hand-me-downs instead of paying a fortune to ship things. I hate hearing the wistfulness in Nan's voice as she wishes she could come and visit. I hate getting all that advice to truly "let" people help you when they ask is their anything they can do when they 'drop on by'.

I feel like I did the eve of my actual wedding. When it finally hit me, that I was going through an important rite of passage, and all my female peeps were elsewhere. Through my own actions/choices but again it didn't make it suck any less. (I've even looked into getting a doula, because I really would like one. But holy shit are they way out of our budget!)

Most days I'm fine. And I truly do mean most. But there's been a day or two here recently where I've started to fret. And I finally blubbered about it to mum on the phone. Alaskaboy copped it the other two times prior. Once in a baby furniture parking lot where I'd just parked the car prior to entering the store. LOL

All the what ifs are coming up in my mind. So far, of the necessities, we only have some baby clothes, a dresser, a breastpump, car seat and stroller, plus one mysterious package that has arrived from the baby registry. (As yet unopened as we're waiting for any other packages that may arrive, to do more than one thing per episode.) Myself personally, I was born five weeks early and most people I know had their children some form of early. So, in the back of my mind, the "due date" is only a possible date that may or may not be reached.

Nine and a half weeks, from today, possibly, if Kiddlywink comes "on time". That's not much time. And I'm starting to panic. I already have a hard time with waiting till a reasonable time before starting to prepare for visitors. I like my t's crossed and i's dotted days before a lot of visitors have even started thinking about packing their own suitcases. LOL And that's for a visitor! Imagine how I'm getting for this new person, whose arrival date/time is so up in the air!

On top of all this is knowing how much hotter the weather's going to get. How much more unwieldy my belly is going to be. We'll be doing some pre-childbirth classes on some of the upcoming weekends too, so even less time for stuff. AND not knowing how much more tired/fatigued I'll be. Pre-birth let alone afterwards.

Case in point. After I got off the phone with mum, I cooked some bolognese sauce, did a heap of dishes but still didn't get them all done (SIGH!), swept the kitchen and also made a meatball mexicana casserole. (see pre-prepared dishes in freezer running low.) I HAD planned to go back out to Costco and get the rest of the groceries, but it was late at night and I was stuffed from "all" that I'd done that day.

So stuffed, I had a warm bath before bed, but was then too tired to ice any of the aching bits.

Last night had a shitty sleep. Every hour on the hour I was awake. Couldn't get comfy, too hot, too cold, weird dreams, Kiddlywink danced the night away, I peed, etc etc ad nauseum.

This morning when I got up? It was like I'd never transitioned to the airbed. Each toilet trip during the night was a painful hobble with me worrying each step would see the sacroiliac joint give up the ghost.. And by morning I had managed to get out to the freezer and bring an icepack back in with me, which helped only a little. Today's Costco trip? A non-event. Too bad for the rest of the cooking and cleaning I'd also planned. Too bad for the remainder of the April birthday presents we still haven't finished wrapping. Too bad for Mother's day stuff to go out on time.

I spent the day alternating between dozing on the bed and sitting on the yoga ball. I didn't even dare get in the bath in case I couldn't get out again. By evening I felt okay enough to gingerly drive down to the pool. Again a little improvement from an hour spent in the water.

All of this is only adding to my fears and sense of loneliness. Feeling useless because I can't do even half the things my nesting instinct is wanting me to do. Needing Alaskaboy's help for so many simple things is driving us both nuts. As is my constant use of the phrase "I meant to." Thing is I do MEAN to do those things, but I'll forget, or only half do it before getting too pooped to continue. I've almost given up planning/promising/or attempting to do anything that he may have foreknowledge of. That way IF anything gets done even half right, hey it's a bonus! (Was so proud that I managed to ask not only if our insurance covers doulas, but alsoremembering to ask for a list of paediatricians and how to add kiddlywink to our health insurance once s/he arrives. Very impressive since I was on hold for half an hour, at nap time, and nodding off so bad I'd drop the phone/pen every other few minutes or so.)

And as I said, I've only felt like this a few days on and off so far. (We won't even mention the niggling worries that are starting to crop up about the actual delivery and aftermath.) I know a lot of these things I'm feeling a normal, and that I'm feeling them to a lesser degree and nowhere near as often as some women do.

I don't like this sense of feeling out of control, or that my body is no longer my own, or that I'm having to juggle what does or doesn't get done, while in fact nothing ever gets completed fully.

OH!

Wait.

Did I really just say that?

This is just practice for the years to come, isn't it? Welcome to Being a Parent!

SO Angry, I Actually Spluttered.

2009-05-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

Went out on location for lunch with Alaskaboy yesterday, and ended up staying to wrap. (7 hrs later) I didn't realise I hadn't seen everyone since the end of season party last year! No wonder we had stacks to talk about.

As I'm typing this, I realised the main drive behind me going out to his work for lunch was threefold a) the location was easy to get to and park right nearby for free, b) because on location is catered. Rather than just the craft service truck which is mainly a sandwich bar with snack stuff/drinks etc. and c) I really had reached cabin fever point about a week ago and needed to get out of the house for a reason other than shopping, doctor's appointments or baby stuff. You know, socialise.

The secondary underlying drive was simple, I couldn't face waiting around the house for Mum to call with further news on Nan. Just. Couldn't.

Glad I didn't! Got home VERY ready for falling into bed. Started to listen to message on machine but didn't get beyond "Hi it's Mum" because Dr Kay called for news. Promised to call back asap, then called Mum right away.

Now. The bit I was fuzzy on yesterday? Not fuzzy anymore. My blood pressure wishes I was still though.

Nan has been a little doddery on her feet recently, even stumbling on totally smooth hardwood floors. (She has a walker but hates to use it.) This is the reason Aunty who lives with her has said "there's nothing you need to do outdoors all the plants are watered, any chores you want to do, PLEASE stick with the indoor ones while I'm not home." (trying to help but probably a red flag to the bull.) Ironically, she's fabulous on stairs because she's extra careful to pick her feet up properly. So yes she did get tangled up in her slippers and/or stumbled while turning around to come back into the house and fell.

She crawled up the three back steps to the porch, and then managed to use the back door to lever herself up onto her feet. (Angry point number one: she's s'posed to have the phone out in the kitchen with her during the day, not sitting up in the lounge room cradle..but habit prevails and it always goes back into the bloody cradle. I suggested months ago that she get a second handset FOR the kitchen, but that went nowhere.)

She's somehow made it as far as the lounge room, traversing the whole length of the house, but then sat on the couch because she literally couldn't go any farther. There was no "good timing" or "soon after" about the phone call from Aunty. THREE HOURS SHE SAT ON THE CHAIR! THREE HOURS! With a torturous break to commando crawl back up the hallway, past the kitchen, to pee in the shower and then back to the chair.

{continue outraged spluttering}

When Aunty did call she only just managed to get to the phone in time from the chair. She refused to call an ambulance, even when Aunty said you need to call one right now, because she'd only had a "little bit of a fall" and didn't call anyone else because she couldn't remember anyone's numbers. (Logically I know she was probably in complete shock and wouldn't have remembered to use the rolodex either. But am betting there was also the underlying "don't want to be a nuisance" thing she does so well. Hopefully now she'll let them implement another suggestion we had years ago which was all the important numbers in large print stuck to the wall right near the phone.)

When she wouldn't listen to Aunty, Aunty hung up and went up the next rung in the sibling ladder, my mum. Mum called back. Sometime between calls the t.v. was all of a sudden turned on. (Sneaky ol' bugger trying to pretend she was all normal!) BUT the volume was too loud and when she stood up again to go turn it down, mum heard all of her pain noises, moans/howls/oohs and ouches etc. She didn't make it past standing before sitting back on the couch.

Aunty by this point had spoken to her bosses and told them she was going home. Got Mum on call waiting to let her know and called the ambulance while she was on her way home. (How DO the emergency services get into the house if there's no one capable of letting them inside?)

We're hoping it's been a lesson for Nan, without destroying her confidence completely. And also a foot up the bum for Aunty to go down to the housing department and get her name put on the lease as co-renter.

Mind you, it should be no surprise she survived this. Legionnaires Disease didn't kill her when the Dr misdiagnosed it as a cold on the Friday and sent her home for the weekend. (when she lived alone and again she didn't call anybody and subsisted on nothing but jelly beans and water for the whole weekend before giving in and calling someone Monday morning.)

She's stubborn in the wrong ways, but thankfully stubborn in the right ways too! I love her dearly, and alternately curse and praise her stubbornness.

Really good news: Nan's been moved to the rehab centre part of the hospital. Decor and locale are dreary, BUT they don't just slob around in gowns. They're breakfasted, showered and dressed before attending any rehab sessions. (I know the gown thing would depress nan totally!) They're think she should be good to come home in a couple weeks. YAY.

After all that I called Dr Kay back, we spluttered together as did Alaskaboy hearing the story while I related it to her. (didn't have energy to tell it twice and it was past all of our bedtimes.) Went to call back Alaskagirl who'd also left an earlier message on the machine, but realised it was way late for her too.

So we stumbled off to my room to make space for Kiddlywink's chest of drawers that are due to be delivered today and then fell into bed.

SO very glad I wasn't nearby to get that phone call earlier in the afternoon. Would have worked myself into a fine state by the time Alaskaboy got home.

Got Any Prayers/Good Vibes To Wing This Way?

2009-04-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

Received a very quick call from Mum this morning as she was trying to shove some cereal in her face before going to work. Apparently, last night(AU time) Nan had put some rubbish in the wheelie bin outside then when she turned to come back inside she ended up falling over. She doesn't remember "having a turn or anything like that" but she did fall.

And then somehow crawled back inside with a fractured pelvis. (Not to mention the rheumatoid arthritis in her spine and hands.) The next bit's a bit fuzzy because I'm getting it fourthhand but either she's called my Aunt who was on break, or waited the few minutes after she managed to get back in the house it would take for the Aunt to call. (She's the one who lives with Nan.)

Boy, did she get a lecture when she finally called the Ambos and they arrived. We've tried to drill it into her to call 000 (Aus version of 911) but she always calls a family member first, or someone thankfully has been at home if something's happened in the past.

I honestly thought she had one of those emergency alert systems, but am betting she talked them out of getting her one each time it's been brought up. Hopefully now they'll override her stubborn old {mumblemutter} But knowing her she'd still probably try and reach family first.

Sorry. Ranting, but it was a bit of a shock to wake up from a dead sleep to that sort of news.

Any prayers you could spare for a speedy recovery would be much appreciated.

This rant brought to you by the letters, D and B.

2009-04-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

I'm so very glad that I've been taking this photographic record each month of my growing belly. I know a lot of larger women don't.

And why don't they?

Because, like in so many other instances, they're made to feel like their wonderful baby bumps are not beautiful enough to share...unless they look like those adorable and oh so perky ones we see in magazines. But I'm betting those bellies we see in magazines, they're following as many rules about what's "acceptable" as non-pregnant tummies/bodies do.

So many women on one of the PLUS SIZE pregnancy boards I belong to express shame about having B bump instead of a the more socially acceptable D shaped. Yeah, you read that right: SHAME! About the amazing vessel their beautiful new child is growing within. They won't even post clothed photos in a space that is reserved solely for the use of other plus size mums.

I've studied ads, both print and other media and not just still media either, ever since I first started trying to get pregnant. Every where a baby bump turned up, I carefully took note of size, shape, position relative to how high or low the baby was situated, belly button inny or outy, etc etc. Naturally, I also compared "plus size" shots with "regular size" shots.

Wanna know what I've been seeing? There seems to be only two kinds of pregnant belly out there in Ad Land.
: 4-5 months for that oh so teeny cute, "look, I'm just pregnant." You know the one, gently rounded so that the barest hint of midriff shows in between the artfully gaping shirt and waistband.
: and the 6-8 month pregnant belly. The much more obviously pregnant stomach. But certainly nowhere near the OMG she's gonna blow! look you get on towards the 9th-10th month.

Most appear to be singleton pregnancies. None have stretch marks or a even the thinnest linea nigra down the belly. None have obviously visible veins through the tightly stretched skin. Most seem to ride comfortably low. No beach balls protruding straight out from the boobies, thank you very much. Must be able to distinguish some form of upper abdomen before getting to the separate and all enticing breastal region.

And of course the breasts must also still be within the tasteful range. Able to be supported, at least for the photography session, by a pretty maternity bra. That's a dead giveaway about just how plus the plus-sizes are too. Once you get beyond DD cups in maternity/nursing bras? We're in Tricolour land. Black, white or neutral bras that could out starch any hospital matron's bowline as she sails serenely along the wards. We're talking serious hydraulic lift here people. And that doesn't come in any form of pretty. Serviceable is more the term I'd use. Or better yet, utilitarian!

If I hadn't been taking regular photos of my belly, I truly wouldn't have realised just how much my belly is changing and growing. Yes, I still have my B belly shape, (probably always will, it's the same shape as my mum's and her sisters' with the added bonus of the same fatty lumps my dad has,) but it is indeed altered from before I got pregnant. Not only with how far it protrudes out, but with how the slopes and shapes of each bump change. Looking at this photo merge, I can no longer honestly say I haven't really changed all that much. Yet, without it, I'd have no clue how pregnant I actually look; even in this non-maternity outfit I'm wearing for these shots.

I'll be forever grateful that I did so much body image work before I got pregnant. I've only had a few moments where I've felt uncomfortable or OMG I'm HUGE since getting pregnant. It leaves a stunningly awful taste in my mouth to realise I could have been one of those ones loathing my growing belly for not being "right".

It's not just the plus size girls feeling shame and loathing, so many thinner women also feel loathing, even if they do have the supposedly "perfect" pregnancy bod from what I can see. And for that, I again blame the media. Pregnancy used to be a time that was sacred. Any of the cattiness usually reserved for famous women and their outfits or weight was toned down out of respect for the status as a mother. Nowadays we have "Supermums"who look to me like they're a good candidates for cheeseburger or two, and could definitely skip a workout or twenty, and I wonder how they're affecting their foetus by under eating and over working out

Oh and then! Then if the women dare to get that soft, curved look you get when pregnant, (hello! all the excess blood, fluids and fat the body requires for you to be safely pregnant occur naturally, yes even in the tops of your arms and under your chin.) they're accused of eating 50 cheeseburgers at a meal. Gimme a break!

You know what? Pregnancy requires cushioning. There's a natural, scientific reason some women gain 60 plus pounds. (Other than feeling like a kid being let loose in a candy store and for the first time actually being given permission to eat all you want. Or other hormonal/medical reasons.) I'm betting those women have been dieting for decades and most probably are always "underweight" for their height. So, you not only are going to get the natural amount of pregnancy gain, but you're also going to get diet rebound on top of that.

So is it any wonder when famous, stunningly beautiful people still can't get it "right", and the only women who can are models that are primped, preened and photoshopped into that plastic look we've all come to know and love. Where does that leave the rest of us?

I can't even go look at Shape Of A Mother anymore, because my heart breaks for all those women who loathe their bodies during pregnancy and after childbirth, and for the ones who won't ever post their photo there because of how deep the self loathing goes or the belief that they don't deserve to be up there.

It literally has me sobbing each time that these women who have achieved something so wonderful, (something that many other women would kill for the opportunity to have those kinds of stretch marks and saggy baggy skin) cannot see the beauty in themselves. And then, the ones who can see their beauty? Well, I cry over them too. For sheer joy. So yeah, shape of a mother, not such a good place for me at the moment.

What IS a good place though right now, is the kitchen. I'm ready for dindins. Catch yas later. Mmm, spaghetti bolognese.

Not Looking Forward To Summer.

2009-04-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

If these last three days of mid 90s temps are any indication then I'm gonna be spending most of June in the bathtub! Or lolling on the couch wearing nothing but my trusty bella band.

Last year I finally understood too hot to eat. Now I understand too hot to nap. I never thought I'd say those words.

Those of you who had summer babies, how'd you cope with the heat while pregnant? Do you feel less hot after the baby's born? (Although, then there's the hot'n'sweaty snuggling!)

Am I being naive in still hoping we can avoid forking out for a portable airconditioner?

Baby Registry and Virtual Baby Shower.

2009-04-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hi All!

(If you already know what gift you're wishing to give Kiddlywink, or aren't getting one at all, then that's fabulous! You can ignore this whole post. LOL)

Like other important events during our courtship and married life, we definitely feel the long distance part of the equation during moments we'd love to be sharing with all our family and friends. We're very bummed that we won't be able to have a baby shower, the usual kind where people come and have a fabulous time playing games, rubbing the belly, eating food, talking, and possibly bringing a gift.

So, we're planning a virtual baby shower. In fact have filmed the first two episodes/chapters already. Yes, we're filming ourselves opening the gifts we receive and will then be sending a dvd on as our way of saying thanks. (It'll be up to each of you if you want only the segment containing your own gift being opened, or the whole lot.)

In light of that, many of you have asked what we'll need/want. It's taken us well over a month, shopping for hours on end each weekend and sometimes during the week too, to figure that out. The saga of finding the right pack'n'play which we'll be using for Kiddlywink's bassinet is practically a novel in and of itself! And we're still not sure if we've chosen everything we'll need, or if we've fallen for anything that's a gimmick etc. Time will tell, we guess.

With only 11 and a half weeks to go till the due date, we're starting to enter that surreal stage where we're realising that this is actually happening. And we have to get ready to meet this brand new person and care for him/her.

For those that are inclined to buy a gift for Kiddlywink, but aren't sure what to get, drop me a line at timtampimp residing in yahoo by the dot and the com, if you catch my drift. ;)

oh and I do have posts lined up other than baby stuff, I promise, we've just been so hectic lately it's been hard to find time to post anything!

28 Weeks.

2009-04-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

Just got back from appointment.

Kiddlywink is measuring at 2 lbs 5ozs so far and growing beautifully. Plenty of amniotic fluid available, AND I passed the glucose test with flying colours.

Can hardly believe it's only 12ish weeks to go already. Can't believe how much more I waddle and wallow. Have given up swimming laps as I pretty much flounder along like a hippo now. Am enjoying water aerobics though, especially on Saturdays when Alaskaboy comes along to do it was well. :)

Did get some fabulous gas/brake pedal extenders last weekend, am now comfortable driving again and no longer stressing about getting to appointments or driving my bro around when he comes to visit.

Feeling well, but starting to get nervous about coping with both the upcoming hot weather and the eventual birth.

Am nodding off in the chair. Yay Nap Time!

Looking forward to catching up more. . .after nap.

Just Following Orders.

2009-04-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

"Kick Daddy in the head!" says Daddy with his head on Mummy's belly.

And without fail, Kiddlywink does. Every. Single. Time. Often right in his earhole!

I believe this makes Kiddlywink the first true Master of Tae Kwan Leep I know. LOL

Who You Gonna Call?

2009-03-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Alaskaboy was filming in a hotel one night this week.
During rehearsal, the actor playing the hotel clerk picked up the phone and dialled 911.
Within minutes, the cops they had downstairs, used for directing traffic and ensuring the crew don't disturb the neighbourhood, had received reports of an open 911 line coming from the hotel.
One rushed upstairs to find out what was happening.

Yes, the actor had used a real phone instead of the prop. Thankfully he didn't get around to getting out all of his scripted lines. . .otherwise he'd have reported a murder. LOL

What An Interesting Sensation.

2009-03-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

Water aerobics was fabulous. Had to modify some stuff, but my muscles feel like they've actually worked out! Hooray! Will have another go next week as long as my body says it's okay to do so.

Oh, and in the middle of class it's certainly an...interesting is the only word I can use to describe it...sensation when Kiddlywink's doing his/her own form of water aerobics while I'm doing mine. LOL

Social Niceties.

2009-03-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

I was going to attend a water aerobics class today, just for some variety. Misjudged the starting time, however, so went with my usual laps/walk. (Didn't help that when I arrived at the pool, it took me ten minutes to dig through lost and found to find my soap and shampoo/conditioner that I left there last week! Poor Alaskaboy, because he unpacked my bag, I'd blamed him for hiding it in some obscure place at home that made sense to him.)

Made sure I asked what the start time is for tomorrow so I can be in the pool ready to go. And since I'm doing the class tomorrow I made it a shorter easier workout today. Even started with walking first. Halfway through my second lap I realised my favourite lifeguard was back. Hadn't seen him around for a few months and assumed he'd gotten a different job. (Like them all, but he's more fun to talk about actual lap swimming with. And a more bubbly personality.)

After several more laps more of walking he wandered over to see how I was doing. "Hey how ya been? You not swimming today?"
"Good. I'm pregnant so I gotta take it a bit easier."
"Oh WOW! Congratulations. That's SO cool!"

We chatted a bit about how he's been doing (Turns out he's been on the morning shift.) And what it's like being pregnant. He was really curious as to whether swimming was allowed etc. I explained how I do swim, just not the same way I could before, and walking helps keep me from getting too fatigued but continues the workout.

Felt extra motivated to make sure my breaststroke arms were perfect when swimming past him later on, even though legs are only doing a very slow flutter kick. LOL

When my workout was done, I got out of the pool and he held the door open for me as I left the pool area. (All the male lifeguards seem to do that, plus a few of the female ones. Well-mannered young ladies'n'gents I guess. Or perhaps pool policy?) He was grinning fit to burst his face. He said, "Sorry, I'm being SUCH a dork, but I can't help it. I'm so happy for you. It's so cool!"

Isn't he a sweetie?

The ladies in the water aerobics group age from late fifties to early nineties and not once have I felt excluded by them as a young whippersnapper. They're even really glad that I'll be taking an actual class tomorrow.

It's so nice being surrounded by happy positive people.

Carb Happy.

2009-03-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

First weight report in a while. As of this morning, I'm up to 245lbs. A gain over the last four weeks of 7 lbs. Now, we all know the games that scales can play. I'm pretty sure some of that is indeed legitimate weight/baby gain because when I weighed in last month I wore capri pants, rather than the winter weight trousers I had been wearing up to that point. And I maintained.

I weighed only three days ago, and I've "gained" 5 lbs since then. Mmmm...{licks lips} I certainly remember the carbfest I've had this week. What happens when I up my carb intake all of a sudden? Water weight! I also didn't sleep well, or long enough last two nights due to the fan being on and drying me out more than usual, and waking with very vivid lucid dreams/nightmares again. Blech.

Oh, and did I mention the lack of exercise the last four weeks?

All things to consider.

However, I am concerned enough about the "sudden" weight gain to start keeping a better eye on my cravings. Yes, I wanted those extra calories this week, but were there extra bites/drinks here and there that were no longer intuitive? Finishing a doughnut off every time is different to stopping with even only one or more bites to go, you know, when I'm actually full. Have I been eating a little too much of an evening to stave off the possible 4am HUNGRY? How much of the Cottee's Coola Cordial did I really need to drink, and how much did I drink because I haven't had it in years?

Thankfully, it seems my body, all on its own, has stopped the craving for empty calories. Veggies are even back on the menu. ;) (That plus getting back to regular exercise should help with a more reasonable weight gain over the rest of the pregnancy. Funny how only one or two swims a week helped so much.)

Had a yummy breakfast this morning of chicken and egg fried rice...light on the rice. I also stuck to water on my drive to the doctor's office. Turns out this was a good thing. They sprung the Glucose Test on me.

Mine tasted like super strong but very flat Sprite/7-up. And it was so chilled it almost gave me a cold-induced headache. Even with that, towards the end of the cup it was starting to get a liiiitle sickly sweet. I've heard of people receiving this drink at room temperature. For those medical people out there who give anyone this drink non-chilled...you should be convicted of torture! Even chilled, No Way could I chug it down like I've had people suggest doing. It was done in several large swallows over about 90-120 seconds. Not as bad as I'd been led to believe, but I could see how it could be soooo much worse!

My poor OBGYN, he told me that since he had to drink all that Gatorade/laxative mix for when he had his colonoscopy, he hasn't been able to look at that particular flavour of Gatorade since. Somehow, it appealed to my sense of justice that he had some idea of what us women go through with this particular test. LOL

Bad thing was, because they hadn't warned me, I had nothing to read except those gossipy magazines they have in the waiting room. People actually pay to read that crap? And my post-visit snack in the car was a hot cross bun. Woulda bought cheese and crackers or something else if I'd known. {shrugs}

After they drew my blood (test results back on Monday) I headed off to the in-house cafeteria. I wasn't hungry per se, but I needed protein and liquid or I was gonna puke or something equally horrid. I HATE sugar crashes. Weird thing was, they wouldn't let me order the hamburger I wanted without any of the side orders. I HAD to choose one, even though I told them I wasn't going to eat it. So, the perfectly lovely, chock full o' chunky veggies, bowl of minestrone sat on my tray as I savoured my plain 2% milk while waiting for my burger to cook.

Glad I didn't attempt the soup, I couldn't finish the burger as it was. BIGGEST bloody hamburger I've EVER seen! God I wish I'd had my camera. I swear! The hamburger patty was as thick as a porterhouse steak and a good 4 and a half inches wide. I had to take out half the veggies just so I could bite into it! Was REALLY nice that it didn't come with any condiments on it. I could put the bare minimum tomato sauce on it to allow for moisture without getting more of a sugar overload.

I kept nodding off on the drive home, no surprise there, I did it on the drive in too. I was up HOURS before my usual rise'n'shine time.

Oh, and Kiddlywink played funny buggers with me and the doc today. At about 9am on the drive in I felt several long groups of flutters. Turns out during that time dear darling child managed to flip 180 deg so that where we expected the heartbeat to be found, there was none. I kept my cool only because of those flutters I'd felt. Eventually he found the heartbeat. Funnily enough, right about where Alaskaboy and I felt that strong POKE earlier this week.

I intended to swim this afternoon, but am feeling a little drained after that glucose test. Am thinking it's probably smarter to go in the morning instead.

Bummer! Plus Debut of the Dork Mermaid!

2009-03-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

My lovely frilly bathers arrived. I discovered a crop top underneath was necessary for decency's sake, thankfully before I left the bedroom. But I decided to wait out a couple of days bed rest, due to spotting, before going swimming.

I even bought new pool shoes from Costco so I could do some more of the pool walking I'd enjoyed last month.

And then, those wonderful witch hazel wipes were doing such a good job, I completely forgot I had a haemorrhoid while showering and somehow managed to scrub just so with my washcloth that all of a sudden I had a bleeding 'rrhoid. First time ever. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Ahh, the glamorous side of pregnancy.

OBGYN's receptionist suggested I see a proctologist and gave me a couple numbers to try. Wait time? Over a week.(During which time the bleeding would probably stop anyway.) So, I did some research on the internet and asked around family and friends for those that had experienced one before, and they all suggested ingest lots of fluids and fibre plus keep using the witch hazel wipes, even perhaps getting some witch hazel liquid to pat on there to help speed the healing/closing along. Apaprently, proctologist is mainly to check nothing else is going on other than a 'rrhoid.

After the bleeding stopped I waited over a week, still using the wipes for good measure, until I felt confident enough of a scab/closure to attempt a swim. So badly did I want to go for a swim this particular day, I put my swimsuit on the minute I go out of bed. I had to put it on in a hurry because I had to go to the bathroom RIGHT THEN. And during that morning bathroom trip I discovered the first great thing about a two piece swimsuit. LOL.

Strangely, all I wanted for breakfast that morning was a donut and a small amount of leftover spaghetti. Turned my nose up completely at the half chicken breast I'd PLANNED on having with the spag, even waiting half an hour afterward to see if I wanted it. Nuh.

So off to the pool I went. Finishing my bottle of Gatorade before I even got there! WTF? I guess it's been dry recently. Luckily I had two bottles of water as well. I chucked on my pool shoes, amused to notice I was colour coordinated, and went out to the pool. The lifeguard asked where I'd been. I explained about having to wait a while for new swimsuit due to the other one no longer fitting because of pregnancy. He was pleased to see me back.

He also kept a little closer eye on me than normal just to make sure I was okay. I know this because I'd stopped to catch my breath at the other end from normal, also talked a little with the guy in the next lane, and the lifeguard came up to ask if I was all right. When I told him that I get out of breath quicker, he laughed and suggested I should get the baby to help me kick.

When I told him I'd got the shoes to do walking in the water, he said that was also probably why I was having more trouble swimming. Wearing shoes = hard to swim. Oh yeah!! Of course! D'oh! Not only is Kiddlywink helping me ride extra high in the water, the pool shoes make my feet float so my kicking isn't anywhere near as efficient.

{preens} I do know that I'm an excellent example of increasing displacement = more bouyancy at the moment though. Made me feel less stupid when I realised the practical implications of that and how easy it was to take the shoes off (and put back on) while in the water. Especially shoes that when tugged underwater float in a convenient position to be put on!

But I can honestly say, I don't know how people swim comfortably in these tankini thingies! A frilly skirted one piece is bad enough with the excess material floating about and interfering with strokes. But when that excess material floats up your midriff and TICKLES you while swimming as well? WTF!

After two laps I gave up. All hail the Dork Mermaid! Crop top underneath tankini plus tankini top tucked into bottoms, with bottoms doing their best Steve Urkel trousers impression AND to top it all off, hair that woulda done a toddler proud with all the little pony tails I needed to keep it outta my face. Honestly, other than the pregnant bits, I looked like I was playing dress up in my big sister's swimsuit.

BUT it got the job done! I could swim and walk comfortably, I only needed to retuck myself in every six laps or so...

And when I got home? I inhaled two donuts, then some Vita Brits with hot milk. My meals this week do seem to be having an inordinate amount of fat and carbs* in them. (Is about this point bubba starts to put on fat/weight, so am guessing that's a normal thing.) But because I went swimming on top of that? I was voracious! Meals are still the same size, but I'm now definitely eating 6 meals a day rather than 4-5.

And drinking? Being a mouth breather with the increased respiratory of a pregnant woman plus the weather is now heating up...I'm going through three applications of a Aveeno lip balm a night AND minimum 800mls of water. But, now that I figured that out, I'm sleeping much better, with surprisingly less wakeups of a night and less pee trips overall during the whole day. Can only conclude that drinking to my fill each time I wake up over the course of the night means my body's no longer forcing me to drink a whole liter in the hour prior to bedtime out of fear of becoming dehydrated over night. Smart body..silly me for taking weeks to figure it out!

EDIT: *Of course, this post took me two days to write, and because I mentioned the bit about the carbfest? Today happens to be Protein Pig Out Day! Figures!

Poke-A-Boo. (And Belly Photos)

2009-03-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

"When you feel the baby move, you'll know."

HA! I say.

That was a flutter; could it be? {ten seconds later} FAAAAART! Oh. Guess not.

"Lay on your side for about half an hour after having a sugary or caffeinated drink". . . . . .Nothing.

"Oh, the baby wakes me up of a night already." The only thing that wakes ME up is my bladder.

"Mine's a cervix stomper!" Oh, yeah. {wince} Mine did that only a few times...that one day...over a month ago. (Thank God!)

"I still don't know if it's the baby moving or if it's Braxton Hicks Contractions I'm feeling." You and me both, lady!

Don't get me wrong, I have been feeling flutters, muscle twinges and movements that aren't normal for my non-pregnant self to feel, just never when I'm "s'posed" to. And never quite like anyone else describes their movements either. So, I haven't been sure of what I'm feeling at all. I know, I know, everyone's individual. But all the cool kids know the movements. I'm s'posed to be so intuitive, why can't I TELLL!!

I reckon I deserve a medal. Why? When we were out shopping about two weeks ago at some computer store, I saw not only stethoscopes but also baby heartbeat monitor amplifier thingies. It's like a teeny little speaker you put on your belly and if you position it right you can hear the swoooshswooshswoosh of the foetus's heartbeat. Please note operative words in that last sentence: If you position it correctly. Yeah. That was the main reason we didn't get one. I could just imagine me playing chase the heartbeat. And getting more and more worked up if I couldn't position it correctly. Lookit that! Wisdom; learning to recognise my limitations. Yay me! LOL

But I've been driving me and Alaskaboy nuts lately. Whenever I HAVE felt flutters/pings/twinges etc I let him know and he comes running over to try and feel any movement from the outside. Now, I know that being fatter makes this a little harder to do, especially since my uterus now extends up above my belly button. (Creepy sensation if I lean against the sink while doing dishes.)

The last week or two we've both kinda sorta felt stuff, but weren't really sure what was my internal bits doing their gurgles and normal twitches and what was Kiddlywink. The ones I've recognised the best is when s/he is poking over and over again, like a record stuck in a groove, against a nerve. If you've ever had a muscle or nerve tic, it's like that but slower and arrhythmical. With a good dash of the butterflies-in-your-stomach sensation thrown in for good measure.

The ones that feel like barely a flutter at all are the ones Alaskaboy can feel better as Kiddlywink turns over or moves, thus making the muscles of my lower abdomen move. Alaskaboy says it's almost like feeling a muscle tense, but more that the muscles rolls ever so slightly, like a whale broaching the surface for a breath.

Last week we got the giggles because he'd poke and I'd feel Kiddlywink flutter in response. Poke. Tickle. Poke. Tickle. Yeah, Kiddlywink is its father's child. They're ganging up on me already! But it's cool that they're "playing" games together already. We've termed it Poke-a-Boo.

Then, last night, Kiddlywink was really active. So active that I could definitely tell that it was the baby moving and not wishful thinking or a product of my digestive system. So, we assumed the position that seems to work best for us, (Sitting or standing behind me with his hands on my lower belly were okay, but awkward to hold for long.) Me, lying on my left side, holding my belly outta the way so he can easily get his hands on as much of the actual abdomen wall as possible, and him lying on his side facing me. And, instead of waiting tensely for movement, we carried on with our conversation. You know, as if that'd trick Kiddlywink into coming out to play or something? LOL

I could feel plenty of flutters and odd sensations, but he was having no luck. After about 5 minutes I decided to lay on my back. (Not supposed to at this point, but the OBGYN puts me on my back for tests etc, surely we could do it for a short while too!) The position I got comfy in was on my back but supported by pillows in various odd positions, so I wasn't really laying flat at all.

In this position Alaskaboy could get his whole palm flatter on my abdominal wall (cause it was easier for me to hold belly outta the way) and was confident enough to press a little firmer. He definitely felt several twitches that way. Then keeping his palm flat he bent his fingers in a firmer poke. A few seconds later, simultaneously I said "URK!" and he said "WOW!"

Alaskaboy said it felt like when you put your hand against someone's face and they poke their tongue into their cheek. But pointier! Was most certainly an ankle, elbow or knee. For me? Weird fucking feeling lemme tell you! I can't really describe it. Yes it's a poke, but from the inside! My muscles were pressed outwards. Some Other being inside is moving independently of me.

There weren't any other pokes back, but there was wriggling going on for the few more gentle pokes he gave. So what does he do next? Lays perpendicular to me with his head down on my belly and listens. We both go completely silent and completely still. He lays there for a good 2 or 3 minutes getting used to the sounds of my digestion, learning which is muscle movement from my breathing and which is from the bubba. All of a sudden he sits up and says, "That is SO cool!"

"What? Did you feel that movement did you?"

"No. I HEARD it! It's kinda like when you're laying in the bath or floating in a pool and you move something through the water. That swishy swoosh sound. I heard two distinct swish swish sounds."

Sure enough he put his head back down and listened again; whenever he moved a finger to indicate he'd heard a swish sound, it coincided with me feeling an extra big fluttery movement. How cool is that?

And then I got the giggles because they really ganged up on me. "Go on, get her. Get Mummy!" he said. And several things along that line. And every time he spoke, BIIIG Wriggles happened. "Tickle, Mummy, tickle her!" And he tickled me on the outside as Kiddlywink wriggled on the inside. No Fair! {grin}

Today, I woke up a couple hours before I normally do, and lo and behold, lots of wriggling again. I'm guessing that not only is Kiddlywink bigger now and can press harder, but I've been sleeping through one of the most active parts of his/her day. Morning kid, just like the father. {sigh}

This is us on February 16th, 2009. (Kiddlywink is 16 and a half weeks big.)

And us again, one month later, 16th March, 2009. (23 and a half weeks.)
Same top, same trousers, 1 cup size bigger bra, shorter haircut. Not sure about weight will check that tomorrow, if I remember. ;)

Virtual Baby Shower

2009-03-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

One of the less fun parts about being pregnant is that we're so far away from everyone. We were kinda bummed about no engagement party, no wedding shower and no bachelor/ette parties, but no baby shower as well? That's really crappy. And no, not just because any presents we receive have to be sent via mail.
It really sucks missing out on the actual gathering; stories/games/advice and HUGS etc you get at a baby shower.

We're already trying as best we can to include friends and relatives who live far away by emailing belly and ultrasound pictures. We're even contemplating buying one of those heartbeat monitor/amplifiers so that the interested parties can hear the Kiddlywink's heartbeat over the phone. Today we took another step forward, we've decided to videotape us opening presents.

We received some presents for Kiddlywink at Christmas time and another package arrived from my Nanna today. Knowing that she's really disappointed her doctor put so many conditions in place that made it all but impossible for her to come, we figured the least we could do was video us opening her gift and send her a cd/dvd of it.

Then we figured, why not do it for every present? My more mature side suggested waiting until closer to the due date, keeping any gifts we received in their boxes until the day of the Virtual Shower, but. . .NAH! We'll do a few segments of several packages per section. Not only because it'll be less chaotic, but look! Belly changes! And then we can edit it together into one show/er and send it to those that are interested. It's probably not THAT fun watching other people open presents, but it's the best we could think of to include everyone. (Especially since most can't come and visit, and my parents are only able to get two weeks vacation later in July.)

It definitely felt corny and a little awkward babbling at the video camera, hope we get a little less stilted as time goes by.

Anyone else have other suggestions we could do to help share this wonderful time with our friends/relatives?

Switcheroo.

2009-03-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

Switcheroo 1:
Even before it became popular, I'd refill my softdrink/juice bottles with water and cart them a round with me. Pretty much everyone who's met me in real life knows nowadays I always carry around a waist pack with two, 500ml, 750ml or 1L depending, bottles of water inside at all times. Once the worries about BPA became apparent and I researched just exactly why it's probably not a good idea to reuse plastic water drinking bottles, we ditched the very few no. 7 items we had in the house and we stopped reusing the no. 1 plastic water bottles.

Not only were we now buying the bulk pack of 2 * 2.5 gallon containers for household drinking (our water is so hard I get ill from it. For those that know to which I refer, it's WORSE than Adelaide water!) but also having to buy the bulk packs of the 500ml bottles for travel outside the home. Our recycling amounts increased but so too did the actual amount we spent on water.

We tried using travel mugs, but they didn't quite cut it. Mostly, because we had to be too careful to avoid spillage. And really, they didn't hold very much. A lot if it was coffee or a hot drink, not so much when it's cold water ya want. However, this week we found something wonderful! H2Ozone stainless steel water bottles. We didn't get them from ebay, but they're fabulous. They hold 800mls of water. Aren't recommended for hot liquids or acidic things though, so I'm guessing soda/juice are out. Previously, I'd pooh-poohed the few stainless steel bottles I'd seen because they looked like they'd weigh a ton once full of water. Surprisingly, these don't weigh all that much more than the plastic bottles ever did. So, yeah, a life long user of plastic bottles has switched to stainless steel. Go figure.

Switcheroo 2:
Ever since my mum took me to be fitted for my first brassiere I've been what's known as big chested. And as you all know now that I'm pregnant the cleavage could now be possibly said to resemble the Grand Canyon. Remember those new bathers that I ordered, and then had to wait three weeks for them because they were back ordered? To play it safe, I ordered a size 2W. Now 1W have been fitting me perfectly right now. 2W and 3W have been giving me a little room for the belly and boobage to progress over the next few months. But these bathers? The mannequin is not filling the cup very well at all. Well, she fits it better than I do! Truly! I'll need to wear a crop top under just to keep it within the bounds of decency.

Me! Small chested! So small chested that even when I tighten that string and tie the biggest damn bow you ever saw, I'm still hanging part way out the bottom of the cup. ROFLMAO After I got over my frustration I saw the funny side of it. Poor Alaskaboy, over the next few days, at random intervals, I'd say "I'm small chested!" and burst out laughing.

Switcheroo 3:
Tonight, we switched from our more usual roles for cooking. We were both in the mood for something simple yet wholesome, and of course tasty. :) Alaskaboy heated up some of the saffron rice he'd made last night. Along with that he steamed some broccoli and carrot and grilled a chicken breast.

Pretty sexy huh? Everything was cooked to perfection.

While we were out grocery shopping at Costco today, I would have sworn Alaskaboy was having a fit of PMS from the way he lunged towards the shelf of chocolate cakes. If he'd inhaled the delicious scent any harder, he may well have ended up with a cake cover lodged in each nostril! So,{evile grin} being the good lil' wifey that I am--of a Scotch-descent husband--I made thrifty husband's heart beat that little bit faster, by promising to make, instead of buy, him a chocolate cake.

A two layer...

chocolate fudge cake...

with no-cook chocolate fudge frosting, no less.

This is the first time I've frosted this cake, I must admit. Usually it's wonderful, but dangerously so, by itself. Especially since we don't even give it a chance to cool down but eat it as soon as it hits the cake cooling rack. But it was cake, icing and all that he wanted, so he got it. This version is so deliciously rich we've already cut one half into two and are freezing them for a later date. LOL

Switcheroo 4:
Oh! And when I go swimming this week, I probably won't be swimming. I've bought myself a pair of pool/water shoes and will most likely spend the majority of my pool time walking up and down the pool. If I happen to take our frilly shower cap from the bathroom and wear it at the pool? Or heaven forbid, get one like this? I'll know I've successfully managed to blend in with the old ducks doing water aerobics/walking. Mum figure, frilly bathers, good god, when did this happen? lol

Hmm, there was a 5th switcheroo, but I can't remember. Sheesh, pregnancy brain strikes again!

Ahh well, it's nearly midnight, I should be in bed anyway. Night all!

Wii Fitness Coach.

2009-03-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

Last month I negatively reviewed the Wii Fit. I also hinted that I'd be interested in purchasing it when, and if, the criticisms and weight loss emphasis disappeared from the program.

Fatgrrl has done a review of the Nintendo Wii's My Fitness Coach. For those that might be interested, it doesn't utilise the Balance Board, but it does seem to be an overall more encouraging program than the Wii Fit.

The first 30 minutes is a lot of measuring and testing and determining current fitness levels. At the end of the assessment, the virtual trainer appeared on screen and said to me, “It looks like you’re a bit over the average weight.” And as I was right in the middle of a big, sweeping arc of my eyes from one side to another, I hear her add, “But weight isn’t the be all end all of fitness.” (!!!!) “SHUT UP!!!” I yelled at the screen in disbelief.

Check out the rest of what Morgan had to say about the Wii Fitness Coach.

As Promised: Souvlaki Pictures.

2009-03-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

First up, my baker man doing his magic stuff.

And then how we dished it up on a plate to share:

Finally, how it looked in my hand, right before I attacked it teeth first:

The crust of the bread was crustier/crunchier than what we were expecting, but it didn't really detract from the enjoyment once we allowed for that difference. The flavour was excellent, of the bread and of the whole souvlaki, and I'm looking forward to some more for lunch tomorrow. :D

Whose Intuition? Mine or the Baby's?

2009-03-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

The last time I remember eating a variety of vegetables in the one meal was when we had this Asian feast: smoked tuna in ginger and vegetable sushi, Korean spicy beef and vegetable gyoza, and Chinese vegetable and fried tofu stir fry in shiitake mushroom sauce.

The feast was mainly held in honour of celebrating our lovely new chopsticks and their pretty fish holders. LOL

Funnily enough, it was also the last meal that I enjoyed ginger. Now, if Alaskaboy bites into a gyoza/wonton--on the other side of the table--I have to lean as far away from him as I can until he swallows it and wafts the hint of ginger away. Another strong aversion I've had for months now is capsicum. So, it shocked me last night when I devoured a big bowl of the hungarian goulash I'd made the previous night.

Mostly I've been sticking with small amounts of simple-yet-calorie-dense things like this family sized meat pie and its overflow mini pies. (Mini-pie is sitting on a saucer. LOL)

I'm always interested in finding new, simple and tasty Indian side-dishes. Especially veggie ones. One night while making Chicken Tikka Masala, I was desperate to find a broccoli recipe to use up the almost-done-for large bag we'd forgotten about in the frigde. Frustratingly, a lot of broccoli dishes had a yoghurt sauce on them. Not so good when so does the CTM. Then we found this fabulous broccoli recipe. And wonder of wonders we actually had all the ingredients, even the urad dal we'd vaccumed sealed before leaving our last apartment and then let languish in the back of the pantry.

The recipe went down a treat with the CTM but not so crash hot with the spicy lentil hot pot the next night. What did go well with the spicy lentil hot pot though? Well, when we were shopping at the Indian grocery store for the red lentils, not only did I find some halal jelly/jello made with vegetable gums, but I also found gorgeous baby eggplants that I just could not resist. Literally. We were standing in line to pay as the guy was bagging up our purchases, and I had to run back to the fridge section and get them.

Upon finding this recipe, I then turned these

into this lovely meal. (Unfortunately, the picture on the recipe looks better than mine. pout. I also added in a can of chickpeas because I'd only measured out half the lentils. sigh.)

But it did taste good and the fresh fruit salad for dessert finished off what I realised later was a completely vegan meal.

After those spicy nights, my body went back to wanting uncomplicated flavours again.

Ever since the night when I made that fruit salad three weeks ago though, it's like some sort of fruit switch has been tripped somewhere. I can't get enough fruit! We were out shopping one fairly hot night and it was around dinner time, but all I wanted was a fruit smoothie. So, we called in to get one. I got one that was based on pine/orange juice with yoghurt, pineapple pieces, strawberry pieces and substituted mango pieces for the banana that they offered. I begrudgingly shared about a third of it with Alaskaboy but it pretty much ended up being all I had for dinner that night.

Again, a few days later we were out shopping, I got a smaller size of the same flavour, and also got one that was mango juice based that also had strawberries, mangoes and this time I swapped pineapple in for the bananas. After looking at the price we'd just paid for the drinks, and realising how hooked I am on this particular smoothie at the moment, we went and bought fresh orange juice, fresh pineapple juice, frozen mango and pineapple pieces, and we already had the frozen strawberries and icecream to finish it off. Lunchtime two days ago, I made a two litre smoothie. Alaskaboy got one glass out of it, and then it was all gone by afternoon tea time yesterday. LOL

Over the course of two breakfasts, we've eaten a whole cantaloupe, an apple, banana, pear and two kiwi fruits. (Me again with the lion's share.) Now, you all know I'm usually not this big on fruit. I'm guessing Kiddlywink adores fruit then?

Tonight, we're going for something a little complicated. Alaskaboy is doing his first attempt at baking Turkish bread. To go with it, I've made tabbouleh, greek-style marinated NZ lamb shanks, and tzatziki. Home made souvlakis! Hopefully they'll turn out well. Will get a picture up as soon as I can. Promise.

I had also intended to write about more than food this post. (the original title was Me? Small Chested? but this has gotten long enough I'll save the other stuff for a post tomorrow, or something.)

Hope you're all eating well. Has the weather affected your appetites at all? The goulash I made in sympathy after reading about the severe snowstorms forecast for this week in the northeast. LOL

Pony Up!

2009-02-27T09:49:00.000-08:00

Something a little light, but pretty amazing in actuality, to start the day off.

I think my favourite Lil Ponies would have to be Jack Sparrow and Chewbacca. What's yours?

I've noticed this trend lately too.

2009-02-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'm reading more urban fantasy romance/paranormal romance etc type books than I've ever read before in my life. Most of them have smart, sassy heroines. (Although I admit to annoyance that they're often either into brand name clothes or clueless about fashion, doesn't seem to be a middle ground on this one.)

Conversely, I'm watching less romantic comedies than I ever have before.

Why?

This rant and this one sum up my feelings nicely.

I must admit, I'm eager to go back and watch some of the old movies mentioned in the article. It'd be SO nice to see a heroine(and/or hero) that isn't peurile.

(Thanks to Kate Elliott for the link. It also saved me writing out an all too similar blog post I'd been planning for awhile.)

First Baby Bump Pics.

2009-02-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm glad we've been taking these regular pictures, because as far as I can tell, when looking in the mirror, I haven't changed all that much. Comparing the 12 week and 16 week photos, couldn't tell much difference. Same when comparing 16 weeks and 19 weeks. But when all three are there together? Lookit that!There IS a noticeable difference.