Saturday, October 11, 2014

Something made me ravenous.

Free from thoughts blurted out onto the screen. Will edit later.

I was very hungry yesterday afternoon

some of it comes from the exercise I've done the last few days, while eating reasonable amounts of food. I think it's my body syaing Wait what, hold your horses nellie, are we in famine mode or not?
The other part, as I discovered in bed last night, was completely emotinal.
Yesterday when I was fixing the girly's hair, I made a few frustrated grunty noises and raised my voice a bit and told her to sit still.
She got all grumpy and basically told me I sucked, in 5 yr old I don;t wanna do this speak.
I said you're so lucky. When I was a little girl my mum would have behaved very differently because she was frustrated.
What would she have done?
Well, I said, she would have done this, and I slowly, using the plait I had hold of as the handle for the motions, very gently and slowly moved her head back and forth far enough that her body moved and swayed a bit, and hissed through my teeth Will you bloody sit still or I'll give you something to cry about! And then I explained that my mum would have shook me harder and faster. Or she would have smacked me and told me to get over myself. or..and I gave several more examples.
Then, across from the dining table my Dad says, “Yes, that's how it would have happened, you're lucky your mummy is your mummy.”
And mum pipes up from across the table, in a hurt/sarcastic tone that still insisted what she did was acceptable, “And you mummy obviously still remembers it vividly.” or something along those lines.
And I'm kicking myself for what I said next, “But, mummy was also behaving a lot worse than you, crying and yelling and whining a lot.”
AS though my communicating to my mother that she was hurting me with the way she was brushing my hair was unacceptable. As though I agreed that what she did was acceptable.
Guess what, it fucking well wasn't!
So, I wasn't true to myself, I didn't honour my emotions, I lied to my daughter, and I made her think that I thought it was okay what my mummy had done to me, will she think I'd do that to her at some point, the threat of violence? All because I wanted to not hurt my mum's feelings or deal with the fall out of communicating with her further on the matter, especially in front of KW.
And my body knew before my brain and heart did that I'd done this to myself and KW. And thus I ate to avoid those feelings yesterday afternoon.
I understand being frustrated with your child to the point of wanting to do those things. I understand that I've hurt KW's feelings as well when I've yelled at her or had a tantrum too. I understand WHY my mum did it.
I'm hurt that she still can't acknowledge that it just MIGHT have been unacceptable behaviour and a bit over the top.
I'm trying to be a better person. I acknowledge when I've hurt someone. I admit I've done the wrong thing. I explain to Kw that my emotions were so big I didn't know what to do with them other than have a tantrum. It doesn't always help the person I've hurt to recover from that hurt. But, sometiems, it does. Denying I've done any wrong and implying it's their fault because fo their behaviour..the good old two wrongs make it right crap...that creates more hurt.

1 Nibbles:

Lindsey Caldwell said...

Hi there, I'm Lindsey! I have a question and would love to speak with you. Please email me when you have a chance- thanks so much! Looking forward to hearing from you!

lindseyDOTcaldwellATrecallcenterDOTcom

Best,
Lindsey