Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Stuck

Exercise, I ADORE IT! My body however does NOT like to exercise the way a normal person does. It's been a painful realisation these last few months that trying to exercise ot lose weight like a normal person is NOT for me. All those times over the years I've felt fabulous and enjoyed my exercise challenges nad moved forward with my fitness..all I was doing was causing exercise-induced relapses. Stress, even the kickarse endorphin high kind, is still stress.  And my body does NOT handle stress well at all.
I've been REALLY angry sicne my latest relapse in February. I'm still angry. frightened, Miserabe. Sad. Not only does my body not work right but now my cognitive functions aren't woking right either. I always thought it was because my brain goes too fast for my fingers to keep up that I've typed the word the as teh for so many years. Not, it was the mildest form of cognitive disfunctiont hat Ms was giving me. Now it's much more obvious, as you;d see if I left this pos completely unspell checked. (Actually I think I will leave it unspellchecked)
I feel like this disease is slowly stealing away who I am.
I love words. I love exercise. I love cooking. Heck, I even have come to realise I like living in a tody house. All thes thing sI've berated myself for over the eyars haven't been my fault. It's this invisible insidious disease that steals my energy nad makes me feel like a failure.
Which I find even more heartbreaking because it;s not something I CAN change, No amount of exerise or diet or motivation will change the fact that my body is eating itself alive. ANd I fucking hate that. I'm a fixer. a solver I'm fucking fantastic at solving problems. And this isn;t a proble I can solve.
I feel alive when I am exercising when I'm builiding muscle eating right and being the healthy person I am on the inside. It's a sick fucking joke that what I love to do, the way I love to do it, is not conducive to good health for me.
It's a sick joke that my tongue curls now and I cannot use my sleep apnea mouthguard anymore. My fatigue has triple as a result. MS fatigue plus Sleepapnea fatigue equals my body constantly feeling like I've just gotten out of the dead sea and back onto dry land..or I'm in a space ship whose grav controls have gone all wacky and turned it up to 2G.
I'm constabtly tied. and angry and whiny. Being my normal self takes effort. constant hard effort.
I'm worried that having a lovely weekend this weekend could have trigered another elapse for fucks sake.
My eyes dont work right os I can't even enjoy books, I can't write as wellas I used ot EVERYthing takes so much more effort. It's debilitating and depressing.
BUt, I have to start blogging again, it's the only way I'm going to work through this mire of shit that my feelings have become. I have to admit how shit I feel so I know how long a rope I have to use to pull myself out ot if.
So, expect some rnty angry sad posts for a bit.
Off ot blubber now for a bit, getting this out has triggered the sads/ Good right? At least it's lancing now and not festering anymore,

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