Monday, November 22, 2010

So frightened and Frustrated.

For me, CPAP therapy works. I have my CPAP machine sitting beside my bed, waiting patiently for me to use it. The nasal mask that I got the other month makes my upper lip numb and sends shooting pain up into my face. And, it also has made my bite worse once more.

So, the last few weeks I've been sleeping propped up on a huge pile; couch cushion, a large toy panda pillow, floor cushion and then my pillow. Plus under my butt is another pillow and under my knees too. Basically by the time I'm done it's like I'm sitting up in a hospital bed. This has allowed me to sleep better. Not as great as when I'm on CPAP but better than when flat in bed.

I've been losing weight, got more energy etc etc. I'd even planned not to take my CPAP to Minneapolis. a) to avoid beagle hair possibly getting into the machine and b) because I'm probably going to need a mask that is part mouth guard part nose mask. (which will take time to make and using the other mask will move my teeth even more.)

I've noticed a little numbness in my face recently, but assumed it was leftover from using the nasal mask. The last two days it gotten even worse, and this morning my left-hand pinky and ring finger pads are partially numb too. Now I've realised it's most probably from the pressure on the back of my neck from my new sleeping position.

This morning I had an emotional meltdown. I'm so angry, frightened, frustrated. So frightened of what could happen to me, especially if the mouthguard mask doesn't work. As far as I can tell it's my last option for the masks.

I'm frightened of what could happen to my body in between now and getting that mask.

I'm scared that I could die far too young. Or worse have a stroke and leave me in need of permanent care. I'm afraid of any more of my body going numb.

I'm angry that the therapy that's supposed to be treating me is making more problems. Angry that I even have this problem in the first place. Sickened and miserable that I'm resenting the pregnancy for making the sleep apnea worse, if I had it pre-pregnancy, or possibly giving it to me in the first place.

SO frustrated that my machine is sitting there and taunting me with a 100% effective therapy and I can't use the fucker!

I have an appointment with my dentist tomorrow for fillings and to talk over my options, but I'm nauseated by the hope that the new mouthguard thingy could work, and by the fear that it won't.

I'm hoping that in years to come I'll look back on this and laugh. That I'll be able to use my new exquisite appreciation of a catch-22 situation to write a fabulous novel. I'm really hoping that I can live a long, healthy, happy life and participate in my daughter's life and watch her grow up.

As I whispered to the universe moments before the anesthesiologist knocked me out before the c-section, "I want to live."

0 Nibbles: