Thursday, July 29, 2010

Same Weight, Different Body.

This month when I took my progress photos, I couldn't tell much difference in the two lots of swimsuit photos. The photos of me wearing jeans are a whole different kettle of fish though.

The top photo in each lot was taken on May 17th 2010.


The bottom photo in each group was taken on July 28th 2010.


In each of these photos I weigh exactly the same weight. 242.9 lbs.



That is the same pair of 18W jeans. The same weight on the scales. But in May I had to push and shove my lower belly into the jeans to get them to even come that far up. Today, yes there was still tugging, tucking and shoving, but there's a world of difference in the fit. And no, the jeans haven't stretched. In fact, they were washed and dried in between. In all probability that made them a little more snug than they were in May.

Scales shmales, I say!

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Joy In Motion.

So many diet books talk about finding ways to appreciate yourself, to even love yourself and your body. It's a shame that we have to find ways to love ourselves once more. I wish I'd never stopped loving myself in the first place. How do I know that I once loved myself? And with unreserved adoration at that! Because Kiddlywink has shown me just how wondrous I thought I was.

I usually don't pay much attention to the mirrored wardrobe doors in the bedrooms. I neither pass judgment on myself nor do much positive reinforcing anymore. They're simply a part of the room and my reflection comes and goes as I pass by. Now that Kiddlywink is old enough to run up and down, jump about, and dance on our bed, I see how she watches herself in the mirror as she moves.

She flirts with herself. She delights in the way her body moves. She even kisses herself through the mirror. In little ways and in blatant ways she adores herself. Her body is a source of wonder, joy, exhilaration and sometimes frustration, but always she loves it.

I always knew she'd be teaching us as much as we would be teaching her. Now I need to take a leaf out of her book and find joy in motion and in myself.

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

The New Normal.

What has been normal for the past 18 months or so has been for me to do what little I can, while I can and then spend the rest of my time recuperating from that minimal effort. Now that I'm getting better rest once more, I find myself floundering a little. In some ways it's like I'm starting again in regards to healthy habits. I feel as if I'm learning all over again how to run a household, and since Kiddlywink has only seen me not well, it's almost like we're going back to her being a newborn again in regards to getting her and myself on some sort of schedule.

The kicker of it is, I don't have that rosy glow I used to get when I was still in diet mentality. You know what I mean, that first flush of excitement as you plot and plan your daily meals; the virtuous smile you get when you spot someone else "doing it wrong"; the rush of watching the first few pounds drop off in a matter of weeks. These days it's not a rush, more of a plod. I can't be arsed weighing/measuring any scrap of food, let alone every morsel, especially when I'm preparing meals for Kiddlywink as well.

In fact, it's preparing her meals that has made eating healthy feel real to me in a way it hasn't done in a long time. Last week, Alaskaboy and I had a fit of the lazies. When we were almost to the end of the week, it dawned on me that Kiddlywink had been eating from our plates, as is her wont, and she'd had a more unbalanced diet as a result. Then, horrified, I realised her actual meals had also been pretty piss poor because we hadn't been paying attention to what she'd eaten over the course of the day. We'd gone for what was easiest to let us continue being lazy.

The last few days I've concentrated on bringing up her nutrition levels, while ensuring I ate at least one healthy-ish meal per day. To simplify things a little for me since I didn't have the brain power right then to concentrate on my food as well as hers, there were also two days I tried following a meal plan from one of my low fat cookbooks. Even eating intuitively, I had eaten my "allowed" amount within eight hours of getting up. One, the calorie count is too low for me at the moment, and two, I'd snookered myself because it's PMS week.

So, the upshot of it all is, I'm trying to figure how to get us to a new normal. Slightly more scheduled days are better for a toddler. Intuitiveness is well and good, but it must also be tempered by a certain amount of scheduling. Am hoping our normal will eventually involve daily exercise, a few outings per week to prevent cabin fever, some form of housework/tidying per day, and more healthy home cooked meals than convenience products. Even, dare I say, some writing time could be in my future!

That's the bitch of it all, trying to find a workable, moderate solution that I can keep doing every day. Am hoping to get a fair bit of this sorted out before Kiddlywink grows out of her bouncer. That's gonna be a whole other challenge, getting her to fall asleep in her cot/crib.

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Friday, July 16, 2010

The good, the bad and the hopeful.

My dirty dozen challenge went by the wayside. It was ambitious of me to attempt that anyway, then Kiddlywink came down with a cold and Alaskaboy had two full weeks of work at the same time. Thus I ended up as rundown and exhausted as I was around New Year's time.

Last night, for the first time in approximately two years, I slept seven hours straight.

What bliss to conk out for the night then wake up with a painfully full bladder the next morning and head off to the toilet for that sweet "ahhh" of relief. Of course there are recent nights where I had to pee in between, but only the once per night. Now that I've had some good quality sleep, I've remembered what sleep used to be like. To be honest, I'd completely forgotten.

Nearly two weeks ago I got my CPAP machine. I got used to wearing it while watching a movie the first couple of nights, then used it for naps the two days after that. My first few full nights wearing the machine I only needed five hours of sleep. In five hours I was just as, or even a little more, rested than I'd been recently with 8-10 hours sleep plus two daily naps. After a few more days of this I was back to peeing only once per night, and actually getting 6-8 hours every night.

Unfortunately, prior to getting my cpap I'd gotten that run down that I had given myself an abscess in my bum crack. And then once that course of antibiotics were completed, and not taking enough probiotics while doing so, I gave myself a UTI. So, I wasn't feeling the full benefits of the sleep I was getting because I was also feeling slightly crapola from what I was fighting off.

BUT I shudder to think how I would have felt without the machine, because despite the infection I was feeling so much better than I have in a long time. Every family member and friend I've spoken to recently on the phone/Skype has commented how much more like myself I sound.

The most dramatic difference I think was for Alaskagirl. We last spoke when I'd gotten the machine but hadn't used it for sleep yet. Then they left for their usual short summer getaway. When they returned I'd had over a week's worth of good sleep. While I was speaking with her, I could even hear and feel the difference in our conversation myself. I wasn't struggling to sound peppier than I was feeling, I actually was that peppy.

I've even noticed I'm even finding it easier to breathe during the day. Alaskaboy figures that's because my lungs aren't straining to inhale all night long and thus are actually rested when I wake up in the morning.

Yesterday and today I've been suffering leg cramps. More than I've had in any 24 hour period for months now. My own fault though. I was feeling so much better I forgot about watching my potassium levels and forewent my gatorades, plus we ran out of bananas and avocadoes and I failed to buy more. I think I'd hoped that the leg cramps were only an oxygen deprivation problem and would miraculously disappear once I started getting sleep.

There's been an interesting side effect from getting more sleep. My weight or diet haven't changed, in fact I ate pretty crap the last few weeks, but my body has changed. I'm fitting clothes better. Some t-shirts are downright loose. I even had to tighten my bra straps by over a centimetre! There is one thing odd I hadn't realised I'd noticed a difference in until this week; my socks have started to slide on like they used to!

Knowing I still have to pay attention to possible leg cramps, plus my ability to have good sleep, once this spate of them settles down I'm hoping to be able to get back to regular exercise and see even more positive changes in my body.

There's still a lot of sleep debt to repay, but at least now I have a more valuable currency to work with. :)

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