Sunday, May 02, 2010

Sticking With It.

I've had an emotionally tumultuous week. Every day this week I've sat down to write a post about how blah I'm feeling. How sad I am that crap is happening with my extended family. How Nan is getting older and more infirm, as is Scruffy, and I may not see them again in person before they die. How I'm worried for my mum and wish I could be there to help her with Nan's decline, and help in a general sense as well. How playing degrees of separation with the blog rolls of people on my blog roll has led me not to inspiration like I'd been searching for but to jealousy and sadness. Instead of writing those posts, I've talked to my husband and done a lot of thinking, and some emotional eating.

Usually when I start feeling like this, and bemoaning my lack of readers or at least feeling jealous of all the comments other people get, it's because I'm avoiding another issue; I'm scared of something I don't want to face. Also it's usually a large hint that I'm getting cabin fever and in need of social contact. On the other hand, I've been feeling happy about how much and what kinds of activities I've been able to do on the Wii Fit.

At a few points in the doctor's office my voice became quavery as I held back my tears while we discussed my sleep history and need to have a sleep study done. Part of what I've been bottling up lately is my deep-seated hatred of all the medical yuckness that has happened to me in recent years. Possibly having to have a CPAP machine represents all of that.

Not only am I slightly claustrophobic and worried about how I'll cope with actually wearing the machine, not to mention making it to the toilet in time of a night if I have to delay to take off the mask, but I'm frightened that my body may never be normal again. And that, my friends, is what I've been avoiding. Reading all those blogs where the women have worked hard and had success, despite whatever has been going on in their lives at the time, only made me feel more angry and afraid. Pleased for them, but also jealous that they could lose their excess one hundred pounds in 1-3 years.

I'm so frustrated and sick and tired of working so hard only to have things happen TO me, things out of my control, which have these awful effects on my body. Effects that even IF I lose the weight may or may not disappear. Years ago I thought it was a simple solution, deal with my emotional issues, lose weight, get on with life. The point that I nearly lost it completely with the sleep doctor, was when I got up the courage to ask the hard question, "Because this came on while I was pregnant, and I'm anatomically predisposed to having sleep apnea, does this mean even when I lose a significant amount of weight, this may not go away?"

That's right. Even if I lose weight. Even if my life is so much better in many other ways, I may still have sleep apnea and my body may still be numb, and I may still have incontinence. The pity party started the minute I got home, as did the battle with my need to spew out into the blogosphere all of the awful things I was feeling. Instead, I went hunting for validation and hope, but found only my own inadequacies.

But then, I clicked on a link that Shauna had included in her Friday Link Feast. Reading that article, plus the pressure of all the positive things I'd achieved recently, turned me around to face a new direction. A new realisation. There are probably people out there who are just as jealous about the good fortune I have in my life. My medical issues could have been so much worse. I could have died, not only with the pregnancy but also with the antibiotic reaction. I could have died and Kiddlywink may never have existed. Every thing after that epiphany is gravy!

It's also the start of a new month. The days are getting longer. It's another month closer to December. This month my baby girl turns one! Alaskaboy and I'll be celebrating our seventh anniversary. And Mother's Day is next weekend.

That epiphany doesn't negate my feelings, but it's giving me a different perspective on how to work through them. Instead of being AS afraid of the CPAP machine, I'm at least now wondering how much my quality of life will improve once I'm getting more sleep. I know how much more alive and in the moment I feel now than I did in 4-6 weeks, once we get the approval from our insurance, perhaps I'll feel a whole lot better again.

I've also switched to reading and thinking about other women that I know and admire, Shauna among them, who also took many years to lose their weight and did so despite physical and mental ailments during the process. Up and downs are part of my life. Those other new blogs/women I found were fortunate to be able to lose their weight so quickly. Good for them. I wasn't so fortunate in that way. BUT! I'm still here, alive and able to continue my journey. I'd forgotten that important fact.

This fabulous post over at Did I Just Eat That Out Loud also helped me realise that the journey is about having the heart to continue, even when it gets difficult beyond imagining.

Unlike the Tin Man, I do have a heart. Unlike the Lion, I do have courage. Those, along with my brain, plus my support network, will see me through: No matter HOW long it actually takes. LOL

3 Nibbles:

Rita said...

I think I may have sensed some optimism there, at the end. And I truly hope that's the case.

I adore your honesty. It's so easy to see others successes/compare ourselves to others. I catch myself doing it all the time as well. It never goes well but I still am guilty of this.

The main thing is that we get there, slow, fast, tomorrow or next year. Everyone has struggles, they just might not be as open to sharing them.

There is always room for more success.


Bella said...

I love these moments when you are feeling like utter crap and look inside (and to the blogosphere) and find motivation to continue and to see things in a different light :)

Sleep deprivation is such a terrible thing. I know how badly I feel when I am a little sleep deprived after staying up with a sick child (or maybe after a night on the plonk ;p). I can only imagine that being the case every night.

Good on you for doing something about it!! Imagine what you could achieve with just a little more sleep? The world will be your oyster!

As to another thing you mentioned, I had an operation that has helped me alot with that (search for TVTO).


Shauna said...

Oh dude... it's bloody hard isn't it. I just have to ban myself from reading some blogs when I am not in a good place. I actually had to cull my reading list a lot so I'm not wandering into places that I know might be chock full of my personal landmines :)

I always try to remember that a blog post is just SNAPSHOT of someone's life, what they choose to present to you. It is so easy to let someone else's perceived rapid success or whatnot make you feel rubbish.

personally i'm trying to step away from the computer more and turn my energy inward... trying to move my own life forward and not get too caught up in others'. asking myself... what do I want, what will make ME happy, what works for me... and just shamelessly going for it :)