Monday, May 17, 2010

Can't blame this binge on PMS.

Earlier this week I started to struggle.

The euphoria from being able to workout on the Wii Fit ebbed and my annoyance with its focus on BMI grew. I wish there was a way to put the default screen to show Fit Credits instead of BMI. As it is, every time I log in, I watch my graph go up and down, all the while trending upwards. The first two weeks it had trended down a whole five pounds, then all of a sudden I was back up two and a half pounds. (There's a reason I switched to only weighing once a month!)

I let the scale do my head in and I cracked the shits. Monday and Tuesday were binge days. Not huge amounts of food like I used to eat, but certainly more than I eat these days. Eating without being hungry also took place. And I binged on a t.v. series marathon.

But, being angry at the scale was only part of the issue. I'd had too much caffeine which kept me awake for twenty four hours. Plus, I was furious that I'd need to have the sleep study, and even if I lose weight, there's no guarantee that I'll get off the machine again.

Sadness. Frustration. Anger. Fear. These are the four major emotions that I hide behind a shield of food.

This evening after a long tiring day where everything I did seemed to be the wrong thing to do or say, I had a short nap on the couch. It refreshed me slightly and soothed my headache and neck ache enough that I could finally give in and cry. You see, I'd forgotten two key lessons I learned a long time ago.

(The following two excerpts come from a post I wrote back on the 2nd of May, 2007. I'm only including the points that are pertinent for me to be reminded of today.)

1) The scales:
"The number on the scale lies you see. It said I've gained only a little. But what does that mean really? All the scales can tell me is the gross weight of my body. Just like I was a packet of sausages you'd buy at the butchers. It doesn't tell me my “nutritional breakdown” ie how much fat, lean meat, water, fillers etc are within my casing. But, unlike that packet of sausages, I'm more than the sum of my parts.

Scales (mine at least) don't show that I've lost muscle tone and gained some fat over the last four weeks. My clothes and the mirror show me that.

The scale doesn't tell me how I'm progressing with my healthy lifestyle. The amount of time I spend doing activities other than binge eating or obsessing about food are a better gauge of that.

A set of scales has no clue about how much improvement I've made in learning to deal with the situations in my life, and my emotions about them. My family, friends and myself are the reflection of my emotional balance."

2) Emotions: "In the earlier half of the month I was cheating. I assumed that because I had acknowledged that I was scared, angry, fearful etc that I was done with those emotions. Acknowledging them isn't always enough. I have a full range of both positive and negative emotions. That's what makes me more than a sack of meat. And if I want to continue to be more than my organic compounds, I need to feel those emotions. Express them. Not hide behind an intellectual analysis of how I'm feeling.

Feel my emotions. Release them. Laughing, crying, shouting... these are all things that are easy to do when happy. But, to cry, shout, quiver, punch an inanimate object, or however you express yourself when angry, that's considered a lack of control.
Myself personally, I've come to consider it a better expression of control if those emotions can be expressed. Especially if it's in a constructive, rather than destructive way. Pressure needs to be released, else the system explodes. Many machines are built with safety valves in them. We have one too. Our emotions. "

I released another bit of the pressure today with my crying fit. I'm betting there's more to come. Hopefully I can let it out as it needs to be, instead of bottling it up so tight.

2 Nibbles:

Rita said...

That's a tough go, we really should come with little easy buttons to press and let some of it go. Sometimes I'm well into my second helping of something before realizing that I wasn't hungry for the first helping.

Tons of wisdom in the end there.

Bella said...

Wow, was just reading a blog with a beautifully expressed post on letting ourselves FEEL.

I wanted to share it so I put a link to it at the bottam of my most recent post.

Please go and have a read...