Thursday, February 25, 2010

So many things to talk about: Part Duex.

In case you came in late, and wanna catch up, here's Part One.

Ever feel like there are some ways you'll never be a grown up? I'm still the kid who gives her heart long before it's good for her. Making friends in person is hard. I alternate between bouts of painful shyness, which makes me appear to be a standoffish bitch, and moments of coming on too strong. Sometimes I'm gushing to the point of making myself cringe, sharing way too much too soon, and just generally behaving like that annoying kid on the playground who wants to be everybody's friend and can't understand why we can't all just get along.

I'm painfully honest...and expect/assume other people to be that way in return. I take people at face-value, trusting that what they say is what they mean. Which is why I've been burned so badly so many times in the past. (Especially now, with that horrible Hollywood mentality most of my new acquaintances here have.) I'd much rather you tell me that the friendship/acquaintancship isn't working out and why...than blow me off for weeks or months with promises to call or to catch up and not really mean it.

I guess that's why I've made so many of my closest friends through the internet. I can do all my initial spazzing out in the privacy of my own home. Taking those friendships from online to in person has always been cause for much angst. (You shoulda seen me, sitting way in the back of the airport shuttle, after having flown a bazillion miles to meet Alaskboy for the first time. I could see him standing outside, peering down the line of shuttles, anxiously craning his neck to spot me in the hordes of disembarking passengers, yet I ACTUALLY debated staying on that shuttle and returning to the airport; rather than facing the disappointment that he might not think as much of me as I did him.) You see, for me, even beginning friendships are almost like having a crush. Or even before we get to the meeting in person part, I worry about whether they're just being friendly or actually want to be my friend. I've mistaken friendliness for friendship before, and overstepped the mark in several embarrassing ways.

These days, I'm paranoid that I'll repeat the mistake. Consequently, I doubt myself and budding friendships even more. So, you can imagine how I reacted when this blogger, who I thought was pretty ace, and about whom I'd spent several long moments in the past wondering if I was pushing too much with the emails we'd sent back and forth, emailed me and said she wanted to spend time in person with ME! (Yes, Raina, I went through all of this as well before we met last year. I do it with every new potential In Person friend! Or even when moving to a new friendship level.) I spazzed out completely.

I just asked Alaskaboy to describe me when I'm in that moment. Apparently my usual response is to run around the house shrieking, "They like me, they really, really like me!" as though I'm shocked, stunned and disbelieving that I just won the friendship Oscar or something.

And now, this friend wanted to meet with me. OMG what if due to my extreme tiredness I didn't get a fair trial? I know I wasn't completely myself either time Raina was here, but we'd talked enough on the phone prior to her visits that she knew what my normal, happy, well-rested self looked like. Oh god, what if I was a completely negative, boring, dickhead while she was here! What if I blathered on in my excitement, not giving her time to talk about stuff she was interested in. Was I reading more into this than just a blogging meet up?

Over the course of a few more awkwardly phrased emails, where I tried SO hard not to reply to that initial query by flinging myself into saying, "spend ALL of your time in town with me so we can talk and talk and talk and get to know one another better", we went from meeting up for coffee or whatever, to all of a sudden having her stay overnight. {blink} Wait. She does actually want to get to know me better.

Cue more running around the house. This time with Muppet arms.

On the day she was due to come to our place, she was sick. I was gutted. All our lovely plans were evaporating like eucalyptus-scented steam from a humidifier. Undaunted, I called back and offered to come get her if by some miracle she was feeling better later in the day. I'd been promised a sleepover and my girly-girl heart wanted it, dammit!

Thankfully, she fortified herself with a nap, armed herself with cough lozenges, and bravely accepted the new offer. Even the God of Bus Tours smiled on us and we had the go-ahead for the following day. I'm ashamed to say I slept through a good deal of the tour. All that drumming rain outside and warm coziness on the inside make tired Kada go mumblemmphSNORE.

I'm also afraid I put her, and Raina, off the idea of ever having kids. I talk to Alaskagirl and both sets of parents a lot over the phone about it, but it was something about them actually being here that released some inner need. I think it was such a relief to have female company there in my loungeroom*, plus being fresh sets of ears that I hadn't already whined to a millions times over the past couple of months, that I'm afraid I let my guard down and babbled quite a bit about the horrors I'd been, and continued to go, through.

And like a shark sensing the merest trickle of blood in the water, my demons started to gather. I was still too exhausted to deal with that shit. So, I circled the wagons, stuck my fingers in my ears and shouted LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! An effective strategy which, like a diet, worked brilliantly for a little while.

Then last weekend, they made a concerted rush and broke through my defenses.

To Be Continued....

*Female company that was actually interested in me as a person too. Instead of what I've gotten used to over the last few years with local people: People that only give the appearance of being interested. Or invite you along because it's the polite or politic thing to do. Or you get together because the only thing you have in common is the country of your birth. Or...Or...Or....

2 Nibbles:

Amanda said...

Oh yes, I'm well aware of the "she likes me!! She really likes me!!" feeling :)

It sucks that you've found the attitudes in your local area less than appealing, it makes life so much tougher.

Anonymous said...

You're not alone with the self-doubt! I just spent a weekend away with 15 women and once sufficiently drunk, we were all confessing to how terrified we had been before the gathering. one friend who I've always envied for her confidence and foxy looks said she felt afraid to talk to me coz of my "brain" and feared she was too stupid to talk to me. wtf?

we are all bags of neuroses and it made me vow to step outside of myself and my insecurities more often and realise that we're ALL humans and we all want to be liked :)

as for your guest, no doubt she was thinking, among other worries: did i talk too much? was i too quiet? did i sneeze on the baby? did i eat too much? did i not eat enough and look impolite? did i wipe up the dishes okay? did i say thank you enough times? did i sound as wholeheartedly sincere and grateful and utterly thankful as i felt coz it's hard when your head hurts :)