Thursday, September 24, 2009

Feeling A Bit Weary.

The last few weeks I've been feeling really down. Sheer tiredness has played a big part of it, but on top of that everything feels like such an effort lately. Funnily enough, it's not the physical aspect of having put on 18 lbs that's making me feel this way. Don't get me wrong, that is obviously increasing the difficulty of everything, my recovery included. It's more of a mental thing that I've got going on though; and it didn't hit me what it was until two nights ago while I was out on my walk.

I'm so fucking tired of working my arse off, literally, to get into good physical and mental shape and then through no fault of my own suffering a huge setback. I'd be angry at myself if I'd fallen off the wagon each time, and rightly so, but how the fuck do you get angry at life?

Case in point:
Several years ago I was going great guns, then strained my groin and had to recover from that. Yes, at that point I did dangle from the wagon a little, but I got back on with a firmer seat than before.
Then, I had the antibiotic poisoning episode. So, along with the physical recovery, I took the opportunity to work on my mental health issues. And it took me two years plus also continuing to work on improving my physical fitness as much as I could. I was working hard to get as fit as I could before getting pregnant, and I was once again doing really well, had worked my way back to attempting land and water aerobics again as well as walking and swimming nearly every day.
Once I got pregnant, I continued exercising very regularly and eating excellently...
When as you all know--BAM!--along came HELLP and the cesarean delivery.

And here I sit, after literally YEARS of working so very hard, fatter and more unfit than I've EVER been in my life. On Monday night the unjustness of it all hit me right in the solar plexus. While I struggled to push on through the wall I'd hit at the half mile mark, I realized how very tired I am of it all. Which of course made my walk all the more difficult. Have you ever tried to walk in a public place while trying not to sob your heart out? You end up very out of breath and with a throat that feels like you've got an ice block/cube lodged in there.

It's SO unfair. I've worked so hard to ensure that I could be the kind of mother that has energy to play with her kids. Yet here I am, the mother I didn't want to be, struggling just to get through the day.

I'm so tired.

Tired of starting over, again and again and again. Tired of working so hard, and ending up even farther behind than when I first started. I am an advocate of health at any size, but it's hard to continue believing in myself when my health and fitness slip through my fingers no matter how hard I work to keep them. When my fat becomes not an accepted part of me but a hindrance to my life and my good health instead.

The funny thing is, despite all of this I can still look in the mirror and love myself. I dislike the numb parts and the incontinence. I dislike that my body doesn't feel like my own any more. I dislike yearning to have MY body back. But I still love myself. It's a weird head space to be in. Feeling both despair at starting over again, yet also pride at how far I have recovered once more. Fatigue at the thought of how far I still have to go, yet not willing to give up and remain this way. Afraid that I'll get fitter once more just to have another setback if I (ever) get pregnant again. Relief at how lucky I was to survive all that I have in the past few years, especially with much worse things could have been in every single case, yet also angry that those awful things happened at all.

I'm still working through the emotions of what happened with the birth and early postpartum period, that's why I haven't been able to write any more of my birth story yet. I'm not quite up to going there mentally or emotionally. Nor am I up to it physically. I know I'm already drained at the end of each day, I don't want to add the strain of that particular sobfest just yet to the other physical stresses.

Although, I did feel better after blubbing all over Alaskaboy in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. It made me feel so much better having the time to talk to him about all of it. (Only because he refused to go and do his usual morning yoga because he knew I needed to talk.) With how busy we've been lately taking care of Kiddlywink we haven't had any time for adult conversation. I miss being able to trail him from room to room as he gets ready for bed of an evening, catching up on what we've done during the day or discussing any issues that have come up. It's kinda hard to discuss things when we're each involved in doing separate chores that NEED to be done. Some nights we do get to talk, but obviously not in depth enough.

I know all of this will change. I know things will improve. . .no, are improving. It's just that Monday night I hit the end of my current tether and like a dog that goes tearing off after a lovely scent while forgetting she's on a leash, I came crashing down HARD.

Funnily enough, after tonight's walk I actually felt relaxed and revitalised. What a difference having a good cry, and several long naps, makes to my outlook.

4 Nibbles:

Marshmallow said...

Soon I'll be there and you can blabber to me aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall you like about how you're feeling. {{HUGS}}

Amanda said...

I know exactly how you feel. Right now, everything is an effort, and it's too much :( Glad that you got a chance to blabber away and feel better for it xoxo

Side note: my word verification is "liked". I'm sure I could read something into that.

Denise said...

I was home only for a seven weeks after I gave birth, but the best thing I did, was join a mother's group. It was just to talk about babies- it was to bitch, it was to share in the saddness you feel, the joy you feel, the incredible amount of fatigue, to talk about how your incision isn't just doing the right thing, how your left boob seems to not make as much milk...and you know what- in the five times I went, I have acquired some great friends and the baby now has other babies to play with. It is amazing what you learn from these other women. It was just a great support system, and it helped me just get out of the house. About six months ago, one of the mom's started a birth story group, and we would all go and only one or two of us would tell our birth story. It is amazing to find out how many woman do not have the birth they pictured and how long it takes to get over it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! :-)

Anonymous said...

sounds like you may be having the new baby blues.