Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Ups and Downs.

The nesting instinct is a bitch. Especially when coupled with looser joints/ligaments.

Frustrated by how fickle my energy levels have been recently, I celebrated yesterday's high energy day by going grocery shopping. I covered Ralph's but skipped Costco in favour of coming home for lunch. When I got home I realised it was probably the smartest move to make as it took me four trips to and fro to just get those groceries into the house.

Had lunch, threw one corned beef into the freezer and put the other two on to cook. Yes, that's three of them. Considering we haven't been able to find any since February, I took my chances while the getting was good! (At least the brand we get, which is the only one we can find with their spices still contained in the little plastic packet instead of mixed in with the beef. They all used to do that. Why change? Ruined the flavour completely the one time we went ahead and bought one anyway.) While that was cooking I called mum to natter a bit. Have been feeling a bit down lately and it kinda came out when I blubbered on the phone at her. (funny aside, our family is known for it's twilightzone-like coincidences..and what did mum pull out of the fridge and put on to cook while I was on the phone? A corned beef. Again, something they haven't had in ages and just happened to pick up the day before.)

I know that I have chosen, and continue to choose, to live in this city with Alaskaboy. That fact doesn't change how I FEEL. Especially not here and now with pregnancy hormones adding their own unique impetus to things. I feel lonely. Engagement and Marriage was bad enough with both families spread so far apart. At least in some small way we had nearby friends to help fill the gap a little.

Now, there are no friends nearby.

Mum and Dad had hoped to be able to time their holidays to come out for the birth, but that just wasn't feasible. Mom and Dad aren't sure if they'll be able to come out now at all because of the knee-replacement surgery Mom had a few weeks ago. Especially with this latest flu scare. Mom must avoid any chance of catching any form of viral or bacterial infection, else her knee could end up all kinds of screwed up. And Alaskagirl? She had jury duty the other week which has hampered her efforts to try and get enough work done to take some time off to allow for her own family commitments as well as possibly coming to visit us for a week. Dr Kay, apart from never having had children, also has family, social and work commitments, as well as a new relationship on her very full plate.

After visiting Alaskaboy's work last week, I realised just how lonely I have been feeling. Not just lonely, but also uncelebrated. To Alaskaboy and I, this is our first wanted pregnancy and is extremely special. To the rest of the world, it's nice and all, but they have their own lives to lead. (Which is as it should be.)

Logically, I understand all of this stuff. Emotionally? Fuck no!

Last week at his work, hearing all the "pregnant lady coming through" comments. Or having people ask how it's going, giving advice, telling their own stories etc etc It hammered home the loneliness. I know I have my virtual workplace with all of you guys encouraging me along. I have family and friends to be grateful for. I have a wonderful supportive husband. But apart from that husband, there's only me and Kiddlywink here.

Where's the icing on my cake? I want the baby shower with all the fun and games. A cake for wishing me well on my maternity leave at work. I want to go shopping with family and friends. I want people to rub my belly. I want it to be easy to receive hand-me-downs instead of paying a fortune to ship things. I hate hearing the wistfulness in Nan's voice as she wishes she could come and visit. I hate getting all that advice to truly "let" people help you when they ask is their anything they can do when they 'drop on by'.

I feel like I did the eve of my actual wedding. When it finally hit me, that I was going through an important rite of passage, and all my female peeps were elsewhere. Through my own actions/choices but again it didn't make it suck any less. (I've even looked into getting a doula, because I really would like one. But holy shit are they way out of our budget!)

Most days I'm fine. And I truly do mean most. But there's been a day or two here recently where I've started to fret. And I finally blubbered about it to mum on the phone. Alaskaboy copped it the other two times prior. Once in a baby furniture parking lot where I'd just parked the car prior to entering the store. LOL

All the what ifs are coming up in my mind. So far, of the necessities, we only have some baby clothes, a dresser, a breastpump, car seat and stroller, plus one mysterious package that has arrived from the baby registry. (As yet unopened as we're waiting for any other packages that may arrive, to do more than one thing per episode.) Myself personally, I was born five weeks early and most people I know had their children some form of early. So, in the back of my mind, the "due date" is only a possible date that may or may not be reached.

Nine and a half weeks, from today, possibly, if Kiddlywink comes "on time". That's not much time. And I'm starting to panic. I already have a hard time with waiting till a reasonable time before starting to prepare for visitors. I like my t's crossed and i's dotted days before a lot of visitors have even started thinking about packing their own suitcases. LOL And that's for a visitor! Imagine how I'm getting for this new person, whose arrival date/time is so up in the air!

On top of all this is knowing how much hotter the weather's going to get. How much more unwieldy my belly is going to be. We'll be doing some pre-childbirth classes on some of the upcoming weekends too, so even less time for stuff. AND not knowing how much more tired/fatigued I'll be. Pre-birth let alone afterwards.

Case in point. After I got off the phone with mum, I cooked some bolognese sauce, did a heap of dishes but still didn't get them all done (SIGH!), swept the kitchen and also made a meatball mexicana casserole. (see pre-prepared dishes in freezer running low.) I HAD planned to go back out to Costco and get the rest of the groceries, but it was late at night and I was stuffed from "all" that I'd done that day.

So stuffed, I had a warm bath before bed, but was then too tired to ice any of the aching bits.

Last night had a shitty sleep. Every hour on the hour I was awake. Couldn't get comfy, too hot, too cold, weird dreams, Kiddlywink danced the night away, I peed, etc etc ad nauseum.

This morning when I got up? It was like I'd never transitioned to the airbed. Each toilet trip during the night was a painful hobble with me worrying each step would see the sacroiliac joint give up the ghost.. And by morning I had managed to get out to the freezer and bring an icepack back in with me, which helped only a little. Today's Costco trip? A non-event. Too bad for the rest of the cooking and cleaning I'd also planned. Too bad for the remainder of the April birthday presents we still haven't finished wrapping. Too bad for Mother's day stuff to go out on time.

I spent the day alternating between dozing on the bed and sitting on the yoga ball. I didn't even dare get in the bath in case I couldn't get out again. By evening I felt okay enough to gingerly drive down to the pool. Again a little improvement from an hour spent in the water.

All of this is only adding to my fears and sense of loneliness. Feeling useless because I can't do even half the things my nesting instinct is wanting me to do. Needing Alaskaboy's help for so many simple things is driving us both nuts. As is my constant use of the phrase "I meant to." Thing is I do MEAN to do those things, but I'll forget, or only half do it before getting too pooped to continue. I've almost given up planning/promising/or attempting to do anything that he may have foreknowledge of. That way IF anything gets done even half right, hey it's a bonus! (Was so proud that I managed to ask not only if our insurance covers doulas, but alsoremembering to ask for a list of paediatricians and how to add kiddlywink to our health insurance once s/he arrives. Very impressive since I was on hold for half an hour, at nap time, and nodding off so bad I'd drop the phone/pen every other few minutes or so.)

And as I said, I've only felt like this a few days on and off so far. (We won't even mention the niggling worries that are starting to crop up about the actual delivery and aftermath.) I know a lot of these things I'm feeling a normal, and that I'm feeling them to a lesser degree and nowhere near as often as some women do.

I don't like this sense of feeling out of control, or that my body is no longer my own, or that I'm having to juggle what does or doesn't get done, while in fact nothing ever gets completed fully.

OH!

Wait.

Did I really just say that?

This is just practice for the years to come, isn't it? Welcome to Being a Parent!

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