Saturday, July 26, 2008

Third Round of Gossip plus Necessities.

Sorry I took so long to get this next session up. As the questions are getting harder I'm having to think about the responses a little more, and the last week or so my thought processes have been kinda sluggish. More on that later. First up we have a question from Marshy:
When you read other people's blogs, how do you handle jealousy? Jealousy of people's acceptance of themselves, jealousy about their progress, etc.

Ha! Trust you to ask a tricksy one. Welllll, I could say that I handle it with aplomb. I could say that I feel the jealousy for two shakes of a lamb's tail and then move on, but since that's the rarest way I deal with it, that would almost be a lie. I usually pout. And when I say pout I mean tripping over my bottom lip kind of pouting.

While I'm pouting, I run the gamut of "Why aren't I popular with tonnes of readers?" to "What are they doing that makes them so popular? I'm just as funny, interesting, witty and lovable, aren't I?" to "I suck! If I don't even have what it takes to write a popular blog, how am I gonna sell novels?"

If I'm jealous about their progress, I even avoid the blogs in question for a few days(coughaweekormorecough). Logically, and on emotionally stable days, I feel happy for them and hope that I'll get as fit and healthy as them one day. I also recognise they have negative days and probably jealous of other people days too. We're all human. But most often I feel like I always did in school around the popular cliques. I wish I was as pretty/healthy as them/her. And at my most basic. . .Look at me! Pick Me! {laughs} Now I have that Moving Pictures song What About Me? in my head.

Although I don't have my super fit gymnast/swimmer body anymore, so I can't beat up the boys if they pick on me.

The jealousy CAN motivate me to try harder to get back my healthy and fit body too. Which most often leads to overexercising. So nowadays I stick to the pouting and temper tantrums. It's safer, and until today, none of you knew I did it.


Now that we've all become acquainted with my petty juvenile side, lets move on to the next question from Marshy:
When you started blogging, did you think it would lead to uncovering as much emotional 'baggage' (for want of a better word) as it has?

No. And I woulda blubbered like a baby if I knew how long this was gonna take. I would have said "Fuck you" to all the emotional benefits, then continued dieting and trying to focus only on physical fitness. Seems to me a little foreknowledge truly can be a dangerous thing.

And the last one from Lisa R:
What do you do that makes you feel great about your body or comfortable in your skin?

The number one things that make me feel fabulous in my body and comfortable in my skin is sex with my husband, when he tells me he loves me, or when he gives me compliments: Like this morning when I was in bed, with the covers shoved off because I was hot, I turned over on my back for Alaskaboy to lean down for his leaving for work kiss and hug. He said "I love you" as per usual, but then differed the routine in a way that left me feeling fabulous, but also helpless with giggles. He gave a quick, two handed, fake-massagge jiggle to my breasts, my belly, my crotch, my thighs and so on down to my little toes with an "and I love you, and you, and you," to each of those body parts as he went. All of that was unprompted and I hadn't been feeling down or anything for the last few days, so it wasn't in an effort to cheer me up either. He did it just because he felt like it. {melt}

BUT! I believe the question was what do I do to make me feel that way. Positive affirmations would have to be the biggest thing. (Positive affirmations while looking into a full length mirror while wearing nothing is even better.) Whenever I give myself a regular daily does of positive affirmations I feel, and act, fabulous. My confidence goes sky high and while I notice that I'm fat, it doesn't worry me. At that point it's all part of the sexy, womanly package.

You'd think with such amazing results that I'd jump out of bed and do them first thing every morning? And several times during the day for good measure! Sadly, no. I have to force myself in front of the mirror sometimes, especially if I haven't done them for weeks, and I don't always succeed. I'm working so hard to do this regularly because feeling womanly, without also feeling threatened, is the core of the two biggest issues I have.

Other things I do to make me feel fabulous are exercise, nothing like doing a personal best to appreciate what a magnificent machine our bodies are; Wearing clothes that suit me, and also fit properly; Getting a good hair cut or a massage; Getting the proper size bra, ahhh lift and support!; and last but certainly never least. . .good quality sleep, because when I'm overtired, ugh, I'm UUUUgly!

Now onto why I've been feeling so sluggish recently.

As you all probably know by now one way I'm very comfortable in my skin is when it comes to being more open about all bodily processes than a lot of people are comfortable with, so sorry if this squicks you out. (It's not graphic, I promise.) My most recent post talked about intuitive eating sometimes being counterproductive. Umm, no. It wasn't my intuition being counterproductive, it was my conscious mind ignoring my intuition which caused me to feel so fucked up. Usually I'm fine with my pre-period binges and tiredness. I understand that they're a part of my cycle. What I didn't understand, until this most recent cycle, is that I'm craving specific foods for a necessary reason.

Cheese, bread, salmon, lemon juice and Vegemite I covered. We had those in the cupboard. There was no chocolate other than natural process cocoa and without any milk there wasn't even a chance of a hot chocolate. B6 tablets we did have, but since I'm taking prenatal vitamins in preparation to eventually get pregnant, and didn't want to OD on it, I left the B6 in the cupboard.

The result? Worst PMS I've EVER had. EVER! And since I've been having my period for a little over two decades, that's saying something. Also, my period was weird. Normally I go straight into bleeding. This time I had two days of spotting. After the first day I gave in and took a B6 tab, but didn't take my prenatal. There was a brief show of blood, but then back to spotting. That, plus having had sore boobs and being bloated for the previous ten days, made me afraid I might be accidentally pregnant, so the next day I switched back to prenatal...again with the spotting.

By now, my period symptoms had all disappeared. No sore boobs, no cramping, no headache, no nothing. Just the FATIGUE. And a bit of indigestion, but I figured that was from eating too much at evening meals. I also didn't feel pregnant (if you've been pregnant you know what I mean) so I switched to the B6 again. Then I managed to get myself out of the house to buy a few books, plus grab some chocolate glazed donuts and a hot chocolate from Borders. And whaddya know? Within hours I had my period.

I've never had a period start like that before. But I've also never completely missed out on both chocolate and B6 during PMS either. So how about that. My intuition works just fine, as long as I listen to it. And to all those people who make jokes about chocolate and's necessary, Okay! It wasn't until yesterday that I started feeling like myself again, rather than a sloth. If it's a choice between eating as much chocolate as I can stuff in my face, or feeling like shit for over a week, then bring on the chocolate.

2 Nibbles:

kathrynoh said...

I think jealousy is one of the hardest emotions to acknowledge. I think it's esp hard when you're a writer because there are so few opportunities (and it's such an insecurity thing anyway - every writer I know alternates between thinking they're the greatest writer in the world and the worst).

I used to get jealous of other people's weight loss success etc then I realised there is no finite amount of weight loss. Just because someone else loses kgromthis week, it's not taking anything away from me. There are kgs we can all lose :D

Marshmallow said...

Heheheh, I had to give you tricksy questions, naturally, you gave me tricksy questions for my series :-D

It was really interesting hearing about your dealings with jealousy - I'm definitely glad to hear that the jealousy reaction has downgraded itself to pouting and tantrums.

And yep, if I had known it was this hard dealing with the emotional stuff, I probably wouldn't have taken it on board myself. Glad to hear I'm not alone. :-)