Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Goss Sesh The Second.

Previously:
Goss Session 1
During our our last session I covered some easy questions, and here's another one from FLG:
You've probably posted about this before, but what do you miss about Aussie?

I'm glad you asked this, because what I miss is mostly similar, but not quite the same as what I've mentioned before. How I miss things is also very different. I miss the foods that are impossible to get here; a certain brand of runners, meats, Lebanese/Turkish foods, real souvlakis, the seafood, breads, cheeses, the tropical fruit, the wines, beers, ice cream, flavours of things that are different to here i.e. soft drinks, chips and chocolate. On the other hand, during the last trip home I missed certain foods that I can only get here.

I don't miss the hay fever that's for sure!

I miss my family and friends, but I also miss my family and friends that are here. I have come to love that going to visit anyone is both a treat and a vacation. And going to visit my parents' house is certainly a treat. I adore their house and how they've fixed up both the house and the yard. Would LOVE a home like that...but here.

Having three years between visits, and it now being five years since I left, the changes that have taken place in once familiar areas really struck me. In some ways it was unsettling how much some things and some people have changed.

The major part of that is how I felt in my parents' house. It's Home, but it's not my home. The bed I left there is still in my old room, but it's not my room or my bed any more. The contents of the pantry are set up completely for Their tastes and lifestyle. Anything I wanted to cook, I had to go buy at least one, if not all, of the ingredients. Slowly, yet surely it's become Mum and Dad's home. Completely theirs with no children to share the space with on a regular basis. It's like whenever we'd stayed at Nan's or relatives' places when we were younger. We'd love being there and we'd feel right at home, but it wasn't Home.

Same with the roads, the shops, the clothes, the tourist attractions, pretty much everywhere had altered enough that nothing was completely the same any more. Which made me realise I wasn't the same anymore either. Funnily enough, I also noticed how many products are actually American. Definitely more American products than there were before, or at least more that I was aware of their American origins.

I miss my dog, Scruffy, but like the other people I miss, it's not with that all consuming ache of Not Rightness; We Should Be Together In The Same House. She's still my dog, but in so many ways she's Mum and Dad's now. And Nan's. They interact with her on a daily basis, they feed, vet, walk and take care of her. Not always in the ways I would, but I'm not there any more. Scruffy even interacted with me a little differently to last time as well, didn't dog my every step or sleep with me every night we were in the same house. So I'm not the only one who knows that she's part of their pack now, and I'm just a member that visits occasionally.

All of that has been very freeing in so many ways and has helped with learning to Let Go. While there I enjoyed myself, enjoyed reconnecting with everyone, the hugs the family dinners together, having my in-laws and family all together was fabulous, with often the niggles that big families have when all piled in to the same house for a month! LOL I enjoyed myself, but I missed my life here in L.A. because it's just that, mine and what I've made of it.

Wow, rambled on a bit there. On to the next question. From Lisa:
How's the intuitive eating going?

Some days, really well. Other days, not so crash hot. Lately I've been doing a lot of reading. Reading not just for pleasure but also studying the way different authors put their stories together, the way different genres have different styles. Trying to finds words, plot points and archetypes unique to each genre. It's been very enlightening.

But!

When I eat, I read. When I read, I eat. And with all of this reading I've been doing, I've been doing a whole lot of eating. Knowing I was full, but going back for another bowl of popcorn. Knowing I was actually full to the point of hurting, but eating something else anyway. Over the 4th of July long weekend, Alaskaboy and I recognised I have a habit I need to break. I'm using the reading to justify the eating, and the eating to justify the reading.

Before we went to the 4th of July party that a workmate of Alaskaboy's was holding, I ate two tuna salad sandwiches with some sauerkraut on the side and some garden salad. I was a little too full, but I'd been awake for several hours and hadn't eaten until then. There was also uncertainty about whether I'd be able to eat anything else at the party other than the apple pie we'd made to bring along, and it would be a long party!

Feeling comfortably full and completely satisfied when we got there, I jumped straight in the pool while Alaskaboy went and mingled. I was in the pool for over two hours before I was hungry enough to get out. This included swimming, frolicking, plus tossing kids around. Alaskaboy and I also tossed each other about. LOL

Guests had been told to bring appetizers or desserts, with the mains being catered by the guy who threw the party. Hot dogs, hamburgers, tacos, shave ice etc. I got an all beef hot dog and some Hawaiian Shave Ice: kiddy cone sized in pineapple, mango and passionfruit for me, and Tiger's Blood for Alaskaboy. (I loathe Tiger's Blood is weirdly salty and almost reminiscent of Medicinal Cherry the way the flavours mingle. Blech.)

I love Hawaiian Shave Ice, and only get it once in a blue moon, but I stopped halfway through my cone. Not only was I replete, but I didn't want any more of it. I'd had my fill of slushy, fruity ice creamy goodness, so I stopped. Then I got back in the pool for another hour and a half.

Again, when I was hungry, I got out and had some food. Got some water melon, apple pie, beef tacos (soft mini ones) and a sweet corn tamale. Everything but the tacos I shared with Alaskaboy. And again stopped when I was full.

Watching other women eat that I was conversing with was an eye opener! One woman in particular ate, spoke and moved exactly how I used to. The invitation said 'bring your appetite', so she rocked up starving, and proceeded to eat until she felt ill, then ate some more, and tried to palm the remainder off on her family. She was also fixated on the food, and making sure she got everything she wanted. She splashed around a bit in the pool, but she was really focused on her husband and needed to know where he was the whole time. She got visibly jealous when other women, even married friends of hers, gathered around to talk to him. (I was 'safe' though because I was fat.) She was hurt that one guy hadn't spoken to her yet...but she hadn't said hello to him either. It really reinforced how far I've come in terms of self esteem and getting away from the diet mentality. God, I could practically SEE her thought processes going on and knew I'd had the same ones before.

We had such a great time that we were one of the last couples to leave, and then over the rest of the weekend I ate myself into a stupor both days. I believe it was partly because I was a little scared at realising how far I've come, and shocked at just how obvious a low self esteem actually is to those who know how to look for it. God all those times I thought I was being subtle in my jealousy, sticking close to Alaskaboy, or putting myself down! {shudder}

Since I've been reading so much recently I've actually put on about ten pounds the last month or so, even with all the exercise I've been doing. Last night, I recognised that I was eating ramen noodles for some comfort. I was hungry enough for one packet, but I had two. As I was cooking it, I had a conversation with myself, and it went something like this.

You know you're back up to the same weight you were two years ago?
Yes.
You're aware of how you and your body felt while eating like you did today and yesterday and Saturday--compared to how you felt when eating mostly intuitively on Friday.
Yes.
You're aware that you're getting this second packet as a comfort binge.
Yes.
You know we're going to have to completely separate eating and reading for awhile until we break the compulsion.
Yes. It's gonna suck, but yes.
Do you know there's only five months left in this year?
Oh fuck! really?
And you want to be pregnant by the end of the year don't you?
Yes.
So, enough with this shit already.
Can I at lest have my noodles?
Yes.
I promise this is the last lot of mindless eating I'll do.
I believe you.
You do?
Yes.
Furthermore, I promise to start doing my daily pages from The Artist's Way.
Good. Writing down you thoughts with no audience will help you be even more honest with yourself.
What guarantees are you prepared to offer me?
None.
What?
There are no guarantees. You'll do the best you can, live your life as you see fit, and continue on down that self discovery road that you've been walking along.
Oh.

And then it hit me. Yesterday's binge, and my current binge, was over and done with. It was time to let them go. So, I did.

This morning, I got up and started this post. I ate a sandwich about three quarters of the way through when I got hungry. I did gravitate to the computer and read some blogs as I finished the last half of the sandwich...but I made it through the first half without reading anything. Rolling leads to crawling leads to toddling leads to walking leads to running.

Sometimes regression happens, but progress and change still occur. How's my intuitive eating going? I'm doing it to the best of my ability each and every day.
Have I used up all my questions?

Nope. You still have one more to go!


P.S. Thanks to FLG for the code for the insert. :)

2 Nibbles:

Fat Lazy Guy said...

Great post. I've lived at home, in one place, one city, one town, one house, my whole life, so it's always interesting to see how other people feel about their homes after leaving it. And you've REALLY left home :D

cmae said...

I wrote out a comment and now it's gone. Just want to cheer you on, dahlink. I agree with Guy, great post.