Saturday, June 14, 2008

Not Quite A Tall Building In A Single Bound.

For some time now I've been flailing around, getting myself tangled tighter with each hysterical wave of my arms. The hysteria has been generated by my growing feeling of being trapped. The resultant anger only sped up the flailing about, and added kicking feet for good measure. Oh the masochistic joy I got by bemoaning my lack of finances that left me unable to afford to see a nutritionist. (Our insurance only covers three sessions per year. WTF?!)

Now, don't get me wrong, you all help me an incredible amount. But, I know I need more help than I can get from books or here.1 Which is why I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to go back to group therapy. By ready to go back, I mean that this time I'm going for the right reasons. I'm not going in order to make friends or assuage my loneliness by getting out of the house and interacting with people, I'm going to get help with my eating disorder. Hence my thoughts about going back to Weight Watchers or TOPS or something. But, all of the ones I could think of make my blood run cold. They're all about the scales and dieting.

No thanks.

Me: So. What's left?
HSEG: IE Group Therapy, of course.
Me: Oh hell no. Do I have to go back there?
HSEG: You know it's time for the next leap forward.
Me: Yeah, but. . .most of them are bulimics or anorexics. We have nothing in common, how can we help each other?
HSEG: Don't you remember saying on this blog how surprised you were at the similarities between the causes/issues of the eating disorders, even if the expression was different?
Me: Well. . .I did say that. But it doesn't change that it's so far away.
HSEG: Go look at where it is in location to the nutritionists' offices.
Me: Oh.
HSEG: Equivalent distance plus more cost effective plus group therapy that you'd do anyway as part of recovery with a nutriti--
Me: All RIGHT! You win.
HSEG: And you can always go and see a nutritionist later if you feel you need to.
HSEG: I was just sayin'!

I've gradually snuck up on this idea the last few weeks. I've been emailing back and forth with the group leader trying to organise a meeting I can get to. Tomorrow's my first day back. Previously, I was that annoying person that always comes in with a breakthrough they had that week. (Often a recap of a blog post I'd written.) No discussions about current feelings or emotions. No body image work being done. I was full of gung-ho Go Me.

The very last session I attended was maybe a week before I had my antibiotic reaction. By that point, I'd had my earaches for about a month. Standing outside, chatting while waiting for the session to start, one of the girls said to me, "Maybe your body is telling you something. Open your ears and listen to what your body has to tell you."

I believe that even if I hadn't had the health stuff, I wouldn't have gone back. My focus at that point was still on exercising and losing weight. Yes, I'd been eating intuitively for twelve months, but I wasn't really into this self-acceptance business. Confronted with such a statement, I let more of myself out in group therapy that day. I even misted up. It scared the fuck outta me. My antibiotic reaction and anxiety disorder didn't help, but they were really the excuses I used to avoid group therapy. It still took me until January to actually say I wasn't coming back.

And here I am, just like Clark Kent goes through the revolving door and ends up back where he started, with one important difference. No, I won't be wearing my undies on the outside. Okay, so maybe I'm not faster than a speeding bullet or capable of that flying stuff either, but I do have the courage to unearth the Bad Guys and beat the crap out of them.

Oh, LSED! Come out, come out, wherever you arrrre! (Mental note: Avoid tangling self in cape when throwing punches and LSED about.)

(I've got my mp3s on random. And these are the lines that were just sung: Turn around, Look at what you see, In her face, The mirror of your dreams. Pretty eerie considering an upcoming point was going to be about needing help with my Body Image work. And funny since I feel like I'm in a never ending story with this stuff.)

1 Nibbles:

cmae said...

I just love the idea that our bodies express what they need through illness - e.g., ear infection means open your ears and listen to your body. Thanks for that.