Thursday, June 12, 2008

Commence Rant.

I've definitely been feeling the body hate the last few days. So very tired of floundering around feeling like I'm going over the Same. Fucking. Shit. all the time!

Saturday night we went to a party. I tried on the top/skirt outfit I wore to see Wicked in April. Well, I got as far as trying on the shirt. This lovely shirt that was a little loose on me when I bought it now won't go anywhere near doing up on the last button.

Angry at myself, and also out of desperation since none of my tops fitted me that were good enough to wear to a party, I remembered receiving a gorgeous blue and red sarong that my mum brought me from Noumea. (Bear in mind that we're already 15 mins late, because I knew I had nothing to wear. Sulking, much? Thus also didn't make the hummus until the last minute after putting it off for two days. )

Feeling a wee bit daring and after the prior outfit debacle, I needed to be pretty. Knowing how buxom and broad shouldered I am, I figured the halter dress tie of the sarong, would look the best. Feminine, yet kind to my other curves as well. Only problem was, there'd be minors there, so I couldn't go without a brassiere on. It was too hot to wear swimwear underneath. After a frantic search I remembered giving away the crop top whose colour would match; and the white crop top looked stupid.

I at least had some blue shorts to wear underneath in case a wind caught the sarong.

The blue cap sleeve t-shirt I thought to wear to disguise the bra was the wrong shade and the same t-shirt in white was a smaller size. By now we're 35 minutes late and I'm heartsick and enraged.

I grabbed my Fernwood Gym t-shirt, with this logo on the front and the words Mind, Body and Spirit on the back. The blue matched and the words on the back help centre me. Tucking the t-shirt in, I wrapped the sarong around my waist, slipped my blue crocs on and stomped out the door. Not without one desperate, "Maybe I should try the white t-shirt on?"

All of this after having a huge sob session on Alaskaboy's shoulder Friday night about a bunch of stuff!

On the way to the party I was silent for the first five minutes of the trip. Alaskaboy asked, "Got nothing to talk about?" After he'd tried to converse a couple of times.

I responded, "I'm trying to get my anger under control enough to be pleasant at the party."

And then it all came out. How I now understood why my mum was ALWAYS late for parties or barbeques, and why she loathed shopping. How sick I am of buying new clothes all the time and having them either too big or too small by next time the season rolls around. How jealous I was of Alaskaboy, knowing he could go to his wardrobe, pick out the first thing he wanted and KNOW it would fit EVERY TIME!

I'm still feeling gutted that I couldn't wear the outift I wanted to wear, even though it fit me. I felt and looked fantastic when I tied that halter dress on. The FIRST time I'd EVER put on a sarong and felt beautiful, feminine AND sexy. Never once have any of those words been applied to me when I've worn a sarong before. BUT my underwear let me down.

No, I let me down. Never mind that even if I'd been slimmer I still wouldn't have had the correct bra to wear...but the white t-shirt might have fit. Might, but might not have looked okay with the dress up over it so I still might have had to go with the hip wrap anyway. None of that changes the anger I'm feeling now, or the anger I felt then.

Nor the hurt.

Nor the self loathing.

I let myself down because instead of wallowing in self doubt, I should have tried outfits on oh. . .say. . .any time before we were already supposed to be at the party! And if I'd done so, I could have looked for an appropriate t-shirt or strapless bra.

Yesterday I was >this< close to call it quits. I was gonna delete my blog, emails and all email addresses from everyone I knew through fat blogging.

But. . .then what would I do?

I also had a bit of a sore ear and throat yesterday. Also signs that I'm refusing to speak about something and I don't want to hear something.

Shit, it just hit me! LSED drags me along this roller coaster of self loathing whenever I'm ready for the next stage of my emotional development. And only this drastic when a big forward leap is coming. Sheesh! No wonder I looked at the latest nekkid picture Alaskaboy took and felt nauseous.

I can feel my pulse pounding with how angry I am. That revelation only helped a little. I haven't hit the next step and I'm angry that I'm feeling this way about myself still, even after all this progress. Am also angry now that I'm starting to notice what the FA girls are talking about in regards to fat stereotypes in movies. Particularly ironic since the title of the movie I rewatched today was Anger Management.

Not only the "funny" bits that include fat people,SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE AND WISH TO...like on the airplane when he's supposed to sit between the fat man and woman, or the fat female co-worker who says the toilet seat won't be clean by the time she's though with it, but the whole premise of the movie. It rang completely false to me when she confesses to having rigged the whole set up, and he shows some amazement and then laughs it off, and praises her for bringing him around.

Now, as someone new to expressing his emotions, he should have flipped the fuck out! He may have come round eventually to seeing what she did "was for his betterment" but holy fuck. Accepting it just like that? Nu-uh!

And I wonder how much deeper I'm going to go with this. How much more anger am I going to feel. How much more of my sense of humour am I going to lose? This awakening of my social conscience is painful! So much of "humour" is based on picking on other people. Why do we find that shit funny? And how am I going to get over my shame that I still do laugh even momentarily at some things that shouldn't be funny. Is it a nervous reflex, like watching someone else fall over, glad that it wasn't you that fell or is being picked on? Is that all a sense of humour is?

Can you spot the disillusionment and anger? How is learning ANY of this s'posed to help me get healthy? All it does is make me want to say "fuck you all" to the human race.

So yeah. That's me at the moment. Angry with big and little stuff and just sick of the whole process at the moment. Dieting was EASY compared to this crap. Fall off diet? Blame self for being Bad. Eat well and lose weight? Feel virtuous for being good.
Eat intuitively and have moral and emotional crisis after crisis. Fuck!

I want that sense of magic back. That sense of belief that This Time I'll Make It. I want my body to feel comfortable and I want to feel comfortable in it again. My tits hurt. My face has its lovely twice per month red flaking rash. I'm bloated as all hell. None of my clothes fit. And all I wanna do is stay in the house reading and eating.

I know it's PMS plus LSED that's blowing this out of proportion, but the underlying feelings and thoughts are still there, and I don't know what to do with them yet.

All righty, rant over...for now.

4 Nibbles:

goodbyetoallfat said...

I just came across your blog and saw this at the top of your page:

"By intuitive eating and working through the reasons she became unhealthy in the first place."

I'm currently going through the first phase -- mainly examining the reasons why I became morbidly obese in the first place.

Erin said...

It has been killing me noticing the fat stereotyping and cruelty in my son's DISNEY MOVIES! Unbelievable, there is always at least one character meant to be laughed at that is fat and always wanting to eat and it jumps out at me now and bothers me quite a bit. I too came really close to deleting everything and disappearing but I realized that wouldn't take away the anger or depression I was feeling and I would miss everybody. I would miss you Kada! If there is some way for me to help I am around.
Trying to find something to wear each day has been making me want to rip my hair out and put on a hair shirt to properly wail in...

Marshmallow said...

I've had this post sitting open in my tabs in Firefox waiting for the words to respond - all I can say is I am so thankful that you didn't sever all contact with us fatbloggers! *HUGZ* You can't just have a 1 and a half hour phone conversation with me and then be done like that, that's just leading me on! :-D

cmae said...

This is the first post of yours that I have read and you could be my soul sister. I have done the EXACT SAME thing about a hundred a fifty thousand times during my lifetime. Getting ready to go out can be a looooooooooooooong process unless I am feeling on good terms with my body. There may always be days like this, but I hope the number of days you feel good and sexy increase in the long run (they are likely to given the progress you have made - your before and after pictures are great!). And I TOTALLY understand the social conscience stuff you were talking about. The mass media is ruthless and cruel, but you are precious and eternal, don't ever forget it. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'll definitely be stopping by yours again.