Saturday, June 28, 2008

Gettin' The Goss' Straight From The Source.

I'd planned this awhile ago, but then had a whole bunch of stuff to talk about, so I didn't feel the need to post it. Coincidentally, both FLG (then Marshy) did a similar thing around the same time I thought of doing it, so I held off a bit.
Also. . .the first time I did this I didn't get many responses, so felt like a bit of a dickhead. But, oh well, when have I let that stop me before? LOL

Got any questions you want to ask me? Go ahead. (For those who will feel the need, lemme preempt by saying, my weight doesn't affect my sex life in the least. In fact it's better than ever.)
Got any other topics you want me to talk about? Point it out and I'll do my best.
Any books you want me to read and review? Gimme the title.
Got feedback you wanna share? Go right ahead but please keep it constructive.

Anything I haven't thought of that you wanna include in your comment, feel free.

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Shaking In My Shoes

I smelled acrid smoke awhile ago, but figured someone was burning their breakfast or had braked hard in a car outside. Just as I finished my own breakfast, I heard someone down below on the street say, "I hope no one is in there?"

Looking up from the table I saw smoke drifting past the lounge room window. Perhaps a car is on fire, I thought as I ambled over to have a look. No, It wasn't a car, it was an apartment, in my building! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I raced to the front door to look out and sure enough everyone was evacuating. I sped around the apartment shutting down the window fans, looking for a hat, sunglasses, my keys, waist pack, and then remembered my green card. Fumbling through several drawers, I finally found it in the first drawer I'd looked through. The green card and my passport are really the only things I needed, or had time, to take with me.

Not sure if it was gonna spread or not, I debated grabbing the car and going. But you know what? The car's insured and replaceable, I'm not. The wind was also blowing toward the door I'd need to get the car, so instead of forging my way blindly through the thickest clouds of brownish-black smoke that flooded the courtyard, I clapped a hand over my nose and mouth, and made a run for it out the front.

The fire's out, the occupants of the apartment were safely evacuated, we're all hoping that the damage, while extensive, allows the apartment above to stay right where it is. and typing this out isn't helping as much as I thought it would. Words are useless against biology. I'm off to swim away the remainder of the adrenaline surge. Getting away from the smoke smell flooding the apartment can only help the headache I also have all of a sudden.

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

All Over The Place aka Stream of Conciousness.

First off I wanted to say a big Thank You to everyone who comments on my blog. You lovely people are a big part of helping me through all of this. Your support is invaluable. Lurkers, you're also nice. {wink}

Second, Nan has an ulcer. Thankfully this means it is indeed fixable. She also had two new great-grandkids born over the weekend, this coupled with her receiving medication for the ulcer has left her looking perkier than she has in a while. (At least that's what those on the scene tell me.) Thanks for all your well wishes. She was stoked to think that people all over the world were thinking of her. I actually spoke to her on the phone on Sunday(Aus time) and she had been allowed to eat breakfast for the first time in 4 days. She, and the doctors, wasn't sure if she was meant to be coming home Monday, or whether they had one more procedure left to perform. Hopefully I'll speak to Mum today and find out some more.

Third, I'm still working on my Want/Need post. I know "tomorrow" was a few days ago. Can't be helped I'm afraid.

Now, on to the post.

I'd planned to do some podcast recording this weekend, as well as exercise, lots of writing work, grocery shopping, and housework. Then Alaskaboy called Date Weekend. When one or both of us feels like we're putting everything/everyone else first before ourselves, we call Date Day or Weekend. We still do chores and stuff along with the fun things, but we're only allowed minimal interaction with others. e.g. Quick check of emails and blogs/boards in morning and just before bed, looking for anything that needs urgent response; calls from family members and/or friends we want to talk to if they call at a time we're not busy doing something else, etc.

We haven't had one in quite awhile. My writing and the podcasting went out the window, but that's all right. Alaskaboy wasn't interested in walking, so I did a walk while he spent some time at the sink. I spent time at the sink while he did some other chores. I even roasted two chickens for dinner so I could portion up the leftovers and freeze them for cold chicken lunches. All throughout the housework, grocery shopping. . .well everything we did, we conversed. Actually talked with one another. (We also got to talk to Nan and his parents on the phone.) We went to the movies on Sunday, bought two armchairs that we're in desperate need of, strolled the entire length of a huge shopping centre, and even managed to wash our windows!

The armchairs? I ummed and ahhed about buying one, but eventually said, "Fuck it! This is the only comfy armchair I've found that fits me perfectly since I've been here. I'm getting it." Gaining comfort and support in my office chair has made my body feel so much better, I can only imagine how great I'm going to feel with a supportive resting chair as well as working chair. Then, while we were paying, I went through several scenarios and realised we needed the two. So, I boldly said, "Can you update the quantity to two." And indeed, he could, just. He'd been on the last page of the ordering and if I'd taken ten seconds longer to say something, it would have been too late. Yay for speaking up!

This weekend has not only been a way to renew our relationship and enjoy each other's company, it's also been instructional. I didn't realise just how much a) time I spend on the Internet/computer, b) I sit around and c) I love fruit. And I mean reaaaalllly love fruit. We ate some kind of fruit at every meal on the weekend.

It's like this Letting Go thing is letting me find out who I really am. I'm loving eating again. I'm eating completely intuitively. It's Summer, so I'm going for things I want to eat like salad, fruit, cold meats, pho, and cool sweet drinks. Alaskaboy made for me something his Mom always made them growing up. She calls it Meadow Tea, because the mint flourished in the the rear meadow of the farm she grew up on. Basically you take a huge bunch of mint, trim the bottoms off the stems and tie the bunch together with cooking twine. Dump that in a bowl, pour on approx 1.5-2 litres of boiling water, and let it sit for at least an hour. Two to three is better, can always heat it up again a little to help the sugar dissolve. When you think it's steeped enough, you discard the mint bunch, add sugar to taste, then chill. Remembering of course that chilled drinks taste sweeter than warm ones.

OMG! Mint cordial! It's fucking fabulous! Especially when you have it with some Greek-seasoned roast chicken, potato salad and a light garden salad of mixed greens and cos/romaine, spring onions, cucumber and sun dried tomatoes with a golden balsamic vinaigrette. (Do you know how awesome that feels, using Light in a non-dieting not-low-fat sense? Light means not heavy in the stomach or on the taste buds in this case.) It's taken us three days to drink through the Meadow Tea, but it's so refreshing you don't need a lot of it at once. Oh, and apparently they "used to drink the shit out of it" during summer as kids, but that's not a good idea, Alaskaboy informed me, because. . .well. . .it pushes the shit right on through you while you're drinking the shit out of it! LOL

While we were out shopping, not only did we do the lap of the shopping centre, but I walked up the huge ramp in the parking garage. There's two ways to get to the cinema from where we usually park. Up the hill across the gangway and then around some shops or down the ramp, past some shops and up an escalator. I suppose I could have taken the stairs that run parallel to the elevator, but the ramp is kinder to my joints/tendons, so I went with up the ramp. Incidental exercise, lookit that!

Today, I continued with letting go, intuitive eating, exercise and feeling good about myself. I woke up in time to go and check out a different kind of water aerobics class than the ones I've seen before. All I wanted for breakfast was a banana plus a slice of bread with some cheese. So, I ate while getting ready for the pool. I rushed out the door, forgetting to take my banana to eat on the way. Oh well. As it turns out, I didn't need the banana, was satisfied on the bread and cheese alone. I got to the pool about 10 minutes too late to see the start of the aerobics class, but that's okay, I was only watching anyway as I did laps. I was late because I'd taken the time to whip up some hummus, because I knew I wanted some for lunch with salad and pita bread. Hummus is SO much nicer when it's had an hour or more to sit, so I let myself be late in order to nurture myself.

The pool was a little cooler than it has been, so I felt extra good swimming. Probably also helped that I'm feeling stronger with all the walking I've been doing. About halfway through my laps I tried on my flippers, but they didn't fit since I bought them early August last year when I was rather fit and toned. How much extra goodness was I feeling? Instead of pouting about the flippers, I figured I'd try a lap of butterfly to help get my heart rate up another notch. I felt so great, I swam a breaststroke lap for recovery and then swam ANOTHER butterfly lap. AND I ended up swimming four more laps in total than last time.

When I'd finished, I took some time to stretch out in the pool then gathered up my stuff. As I was walking back past the aerobics instructor and the lifeguard where they were chatting, the approximately 17-19 year old male, very fit, lifeguard said to me, "Wow, that was really great butterfly!"

Get. This. I looked him in the eye and said, "Thank you," as I kept walking. Then he said, "I wish my butterfly looked as good as yours!" And I merely smiled a thank you and kept going. I didn't blush, I didn't look down, I didn't think to myself, "Yeah right, be nice to the fat lady." I actually heard the sincere compliment in his voice. After I'd showered and dressed, I returned poolside and gave him a few verbal pointers on how to improve his stroke. I now understand the SQUEEEEEE moments Raina has when interacting with or getting noticed by her instructors at the gym.

I came home, had enough hummus, salad, pita bread, watermelon and milk to satisfy my stomach. Then when I was hungry about 75 minutes later, I had a piece of chicken and a small glass of Meadow Tea. And here I am, talking to you guys. I know this post rambles all over the place, but I had so much to share with you, that I really couldn't do it in any other way. I'm hoping to show you that I'm feeling good again. That I'm really truly learning and that it's not all doom and gloom as it's seemed to be over recent months. That light at the end of the tunnel really is getting brighter by the day. And LSED's fading fast. She who used to have a voice fit for a drill sergeant, is now only capable of using her inside voice.

My voice? It's a bit rusty, but I'm sure it'll get stronger the more I use it.

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Family.

All my emotional work I've done this this week on coming to accept that my immediate family is now actually part of my extended family, and my Nan has been brought to front and center in my thoughts with painful immediacy today. Over the weekend she was hospitalised with heart pains, but was then released.
She's now back in hospital. . .with internal bleeding. She's had a transfusion and now we're waiting on tests to figure out what exactly is going on.
I'm all the way over here and I can't go and visit her, and it hurts so bad I don't have the words to tell you how I'm feeling.
Whatever it is, they better fix it because she promised me she'd be around to see my kids born at least. You hear that, kids, plural!
She's got to get better cause there's years to go yet before there's kids.

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Letting Go

I have a problem with letting things go. Not material things, but emotional and mental things, especially if I feel like I haven't had closure. I also have a burning desire to know “why”. Why? That's been the question I've asked ever since I knew what the word meant. "But Whyyyyyyy?" Recently I've learned that sometimes there isn't a why, or that the why is personally distasteful to me.

And I don't like that. For all that I'm emotional and empathetic, I'm surprisingly pedantic and literal when it comes to Why. Even unto my own issues. I know I have a problem with feeling unworthy; have done since I was a kid and I don't know where it's come from. Not truly. I know I feel enraged when reading a lot of Fat Acceptance literature yet I keep reading. Both of these things are a form of not letting go. When talking about it in group therapy on the weekend, the girls all pretty much responded with the same thing, “It doesn't matter why you had that feeling of unworthiness yesterday or when you were a kid. What matters is that here and now, you are good enough.”

Lemme tell you. It wasn't until then that I understood self acceptance. That I understood what all those positive affirmation books are talking about. Here and now is where the moment of power is. Binged yesterday or last week, or for years and years? So what. Felt unworthy? So what. Let it go. It's the past. Especially for me who's worked through so much of my crap, it's now time to let the worked through stuff go. I've been looking back, congratulating myself on how far I've come, plus trying to work out those niggling Whys.

The FA movement I've also been using as a way to look back, or forward by worrying about how our kids are going to be growing up in such a skewed world. Worried that they'll end up with eating disorders too. Every time, lately, I felt my anger start to recede, I went and reread some more of the injustice that's done to fat people. I used it to flagellate myself into trying to accept my body as I am right now. And of course because it was coming from a place of anger and fear, all it was doing was emphasizing my hate and fear of my fat and my physical weakness.

Why? And FA. Two excuses I've been using to hide behind.

The third excuse is learning to let go of my family.

My Mum, Dad, and Brother were my immediate family for over twenty six years. I didn't go away to college. I spent only three months away from home with the housemates from hell, then tucked tail and went back home. Logically I know all of my life had been leading up to moving over here with Alaskaboy, it didn't make the moving part any easier. Or should I say, the living away from Home part any easier.

I've done a lot of talking with Alaskaboy, my family and my friends recently, and I kept bemoaning the fact that “This Wasn't How My Life Was Meant To Be”. I assumed growing up that I'd move out of home when I got married and buy a house and land package, as is done where I'm from. Move a few suburbs away from my family, if not stay in the same suburb because it is an awesome one, and go over and visit both sides of the family whenever was wanted by all concerned. Yet, here I am in a large city where buying your own, very much preowned, home is akin to winning the lottery. And I'm very far away from my large extended family.

And there's the crux of the third matter; my extended family. For the past five years I've struggled with the fact that my immediate family is now my extended family. You'd think I'd have got the hint from all those forms that list Alaskaboy and me as each other's next of kin. But, no, I didn't. Daddy's little ray of sunshine now bathes another man in her radiance. Mummy's girl is all grown up and going to be a mum to someone else one day. But I've been mourning for five years the letting go of my first and strongest safety net. Looking back at what I'd “lost” instead of at what I have gained.

My mum keeps asking me, “What do you want with your life? What suits you and Alaskaboy best?”
Various blog archives I've read recently have all mentioned Wants and Needs at different points.
My eating group talked about letting go.

This is what I've been fighting so hard recently. Letting go is why I wanted to let go of all the benefits I get from blogging. How ironic, I was running away from the truest Why I've come across in a long time. Why? Because it's time to let my past go. Why? Because I'm ready to get healthy out of love for myself. Why? Because I am happy here where I live, who I live with, and with the job I do. Why? Because I'm ready to let go of my childhood and become an adult, knowingly. Why? Because I'm learning who I am, foibles and fabulousness together, and I like who I am. Why? Because I'm ready to stop reacting and start acting.

The FA movement, I have to step back from at the moment. I've been using it as a wall of anger to hide behind. So much easier to rage against social injustice, than admit the injustice I'm doing myself in avoiding looking within myself first. Both social change and a community begin at home. Raging at what I'm reading about doesn't do me or anyone else any good. Living my life by the Health At Every Size principles does everybody good. But especially my own body. Regular exercise is one of my Needs.(More on that tomorrow.)

Why have I always had this not good enough attitude? I know that I've figured out most of it. But, by focusing on tracking down the last tiniest whys was allowing me to avoid doing something about changing and letting go of the whys I had already discovered. I need self acceptance now. I've done a lot of work to get where I am. It's time to let go of the past and love myself as I am now. Accept where I've been, where I've come from and believe that I did/do the best I could/can with the tools I had/have at hand in any given moment. I AM good enough. And anyone else who says otherwise is obviously not looking close enough. Or I haven't yet learned enough. . .yet. But I'm learning everyday, you better believe it!

I still love my family. All of my extended family. Even when I don't like some of them very much sometimes. LOL But that's just it, they are my extended family. Now I know this, I can focus more of my energy on my immediate family. Alaskaboy, me and any future kidlets we may have. This IS how my life was meant to be. All of my choices have led me to here and now. It's my life. I'm living it. I'm loving it. And I'm letting go of things/people/past experiences that I no longer need. Why? Because I want to, because I need to, and because I can.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Pickle me this, Batman.

I get the feeling I was in the mood for pickled vegetables today. Lunch consisted of a salad, a kimbap, and kimchee.

Salad: lettuce, marinated artichokes, sundried tomatoes, olives, golden balsamic vinegar.
Kimbap: rice, steak, 2 sheets korean seaweed
Kimchee: 2/3 of a cup.

Before starting lunch, I also fancied some tinned peaches, but I'm pleasantly full after eating my lunch. So perhaps the peaches for snack/dinner/dessert. . .if I still want them.

Maybe now that I've sorted through my emotional pickle, I'm celebrating by filling up on the more enjoyable kinds. LOL
More on that later, am still writing the post.

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Saturday, June 14, 2008

Not Quite A Tall Building In A Single Bound.

For some time now I've been flailing around, getting myself tangled tighter with each hysterical wave of my arms. The hysteria has been generated by my growing feeling of being trapped. The resultant anger only sped up the flailing about, and added kicking feet for good measure. Oh the masochistic joy I got by bemoaning my lack of finances that left me unable to afford to see a nutritionist. (Our insurance only covers three sessions per year. WTF?!)

Now, don't get me wrong, you all help me an incredible amount. But, I know I need more help than I can get from books or here.1 Which is why I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to go back to group therapy. By ready to go back, I mean that this time I'm going for the right reasons. I'm not going in order to make friends or assuage my loneliness by getting out of the house and interacting with people, I'm going to get help with my eating disorder. Hence my thoughts about going back to Weight Watchers or TOPS or something. But, all of the ones I could think of make my blood run cold. They're all about the scales and dieting.

No thanks.

Me: So. What's left?
HSEG: IE Group Therapy, of course.
Me: Oh hell no. Do I have to go back there?
HSEG: You know it's time for the next leap forward.
Me: Yeah, but. . .most of them are bulimics or anorexics. We have nothing in common, how can we help each other?
HSEG: Don't you remember saying on this blog how surprised you were at the similarities between the causes/issues of the eating disorders, even if the expression was different?
Me: Well. . .I did say that. But it doesn't change that it's so far away.
HSEG: Go look at where it is in location to the nutritionists' offices.
Me: Oh.
HSEG: Equivalent distance plus more cost effective plus group therapy that you'd do anyway as part of recovery with a nutriti--
Me: All RIGHT! You win.
HSEG: And you can always go and see a nutritionist later if you feel you need to.
Me: {GLARES}
HSEG: I was just sayin'!

I've gradually snuck up on this idea the last few weeks. I've been emailing back and forth with the group leader trying to organise a meeting I can get to. Tomorrow's my first day back. Previously, I was that annoying person that always comes in with a breakthrough they had that week. (Often a recap of a blog post I'd written.) No discussions about current feelings or emotions. No body image work being done. I was full of gung-ho Go Me.

The very last session I attended was maybe a week before I had my antibiotic reaction. By that point, I'd had my earaches for about a month. Standing outside, chatting while waiting for the session to start, one of the girls said to me, "Maybe your body is telling you something. Open your ears and listen to what your body has to tell you."

I believe that even if I hadn't had the health stuff, I wouldn't have gone back. My focus at that point was still on exercising and losing weight. Yes, I'd been eating intuitively for twelve months, but I wasn't really into this self-acceptance business. Confronted with such a statement, I let more of myself out in group therapy that day. I even misted up. It scared the fuck outta me. My antibiotic reaction and anxiety disorder didn't help, but they were really the excuses I used to avoid group therapy. It still took me until January to actually say I wasn't coming back.

And here I am, just like Clark Kent goes through the revolving door and ends up back where he started, with one important difference. No, I won't be wearing my undies on the outside. Okay, so maybe I'm not faster than a speeding bullet or capable of that flying stuff either, but I do have the courage to unearth the Bad Guys and beat the crap out of them.

Oh, LSED! Come out, come out, wherever you arrrre! (Mental note: Avoid tangling self in cape when throwing punches and LSED about.)


(I've got my mp3s on random. And these are the lines that were just sung: Turn around, Look at what you see, In her face, The mirror of your dreams. Pretty eerie considering an upcoming point was going to be about needing help with my Body Image work. And funny since I feel like I'm in a never ending story with this stuff.)

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Commence Rant.

I've definitely been feeling the body hate the last few days. So very tired of floundering around feeling like I'm going over the Same. Fucking. Shit. all the time!

Saturday night we went to a party. I tried on the top/skirt outfit I wore to see Wicked in April. Well, I got as far as trying on the shirt. This lovely shirt that was a little loose on me when I bought it now won't go anywhere near doing up on the last button.

Angry at myself, and also out of desperation since none of my tops fitted me that were good enough to wear to a party, I remembered receiving a gorgeous blue and red sarong that my mum brought me from Noumea. (Bear in mind that we're already 15 mins late, because I knew I had nothing to wear. Sulking, much? Thus also didn't make the hummus until the last minute after putting it off for two days. )

Feeling a wee bit daring and after the prior outfit debacle, I needed to be pretty. Knowing how buxom and broad shouldered I am, I figured the halter dress tie of the sarong, would look the best. Feminine, yet kind to my other curves as well. Only problem was, there'd be minors there, so I couldn't go without a brassiere on. It was too hot to wear swimwear underneath. After a frantic search I remembered giving away the crop top whose colour would match; and the white crop top looked stupid.

I at least had some blue shorts to wear underneath in case a wind caught the sarong.

The blue cap sleeve t-shirt I thought to wear to disguise the bra was the wrong shade and the same t-shirt in white was a smaller size. By now we're 35 minutes late and I'm heartsick and enraged.

I grabbed my Fernwood Gym t-shirt, with this logo on the front and the words Mind, Body and Spirit on the back. The blue matched and the words on the back help centre me. Tucking the t-shirt in, I wrapped the sarong around my waist, slipped my blue crocs on and stomped out the door. Not without one desperate, "Maybe I should try the white t-shirt on?"

All of this after having a huge sob session on Alaskaboy's shoulder Friday night about a bunch of stuff!

On the way to the party I was silent for the first five minutes of the trip. Alaskaboy asked, "Got nothing to talk about?" After he'd tried to converse a couple of times.

I responded, "I'm trying to get my anger under control enough to be pleasant at the party."

And then it all came out. How I now understood why my mum was ALWAYS late for parties or barbeques, and why she loathed shopping. How sick I am of buying new clothes all the time and having them either too big or too small by next time the season rolls around. How jealous I was of Alaskaboy, knowing he could go to his wardrobe, pick out the first thing he wanted and KNOW it would fit EVERY TIME!

I'm still feeling gutted that I couldn't wear the outift I wanted to wear, even though it fit me. I felt and looked fantastic when I tied that halter dress on. The FIRST time I'd EVER put on a sarong and felt beautiful, feminine AND sexy. Never once have any of those words been applied to me when I've worn a sarong before. BUT my underwear let me down.

No, I let me down. Never mind that even if I'd been slimmer I still wouldn't have had the correct bra to wear...but the white t-shirt might have fit. Might, but might not have looked okay with the dress up over it so I still might have had to go with the hip wrap anyway. None of that changes the anger I'm feeling now, or the anger I felt then.

Nor the hurt.

Nor the self loathing.

I let myself down because instead of wallowing in self doubt, I should have tried outfits on oh. . .say. . .any time before we were already supposed to be at the party! And if I'd done so, I could have looked for an appropriate t-shirt or strapless bra.

Yesterday I was >this< close to call it quits. I was gonna delete my blog, emails and all email addresses from everyone I knew through fat blogging.

But. . .then what would I do?

I also had a bit of a sore ear and throat yesterday. Also signs that I'm refusing to speak about something and I don't want to hear something.

Shit, it just hit me! LSED drags me along this roller coaster of self loathing whenever I'm ready for the next stage of my emotional development. And only this drastic when a big forward leap is coming. Sheesh! No wonder I looked at the latest nekkid picture Alaskaboy took and felt nauseous.

I can feel my pulse pounding with how angry I am. That revelation only helped a little. I haven't hit the next step and I'm angry that I'm feeling this way about myself still, even after all this progress. Am also angry now that I'm starting to notice what the FA girls are talking about in regards to fat stereotypes in movies. Particularly ironic since the title of the movie I rewatched today was Anger Management.

Not only the "funny" bits that include fat people,SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE AND WISH TO...like on the airplane when he's supposed to sit between the fat man and woman, or the fat female co-worker who says the toilet seat won't be clean by the time she's though with it, but the whole premise of the movie. It rang completely false to me when she confesses to having rigged the whole set up, and he shows some amazement and then laughs it off, and praises her for bringing him around.

Now, as someone new to expressing his emotions, he should have flipped the fuck out! He may have come round eventually to seeing what she did "was for his betterment" but holy fuck. Accepting it just like that? Nu-uh!

And I wonder how much deeper I'm going to go with this. How much more anger am I going to feel. How much more of my sense of humour am I going to lose? This awakening of my social conscience is painful! So much of "humour" is based on picking on other people. Why do we find that shit funny? And how am I going to get over my shame that I still do laugh even momentarily at some things that shouldn't be funny. Is it a nervous reflex, like watching someone else fall over, glad that it wasn't you that fell or is being picked on? Is that all a sense of humour is?

Can you spot the disillusionment and anger? How is learning ANY of this s'posed to help me get healthy? All it does is make me want to say "fuck you all" to the human race.

So yeah. That's me at the moment. Angry with big and little stuff and just sick of the whole process at the moment. Dieting was EASY compared to this crap. Fall off diet? Blame self for being Bad. Eat well and lose weight? Feel virtuous for being good.
Eat intuitively and have moral and emotional crisis after crisis. Fuck!

I want that sense of magic back. That sense of belief that This Time I'll Make It. I want my body to feel comfortable and I want to feel comfortable in it again. My tits hurt. My face has its lovely twice per month red flaking rash. I'm bloated as all hell. None of my clothes fit. And all I wanna do is stay in the house reading and eating.

I know it's PMS plus LSED that's blowing this out of proportion, but the underlying feelings and thoughts are still there, and I don't know what to do with them yet.

All righty, rant over...for now.

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Friday, June 06, 2008

Joy To The Bod.

It's been a long time since I've had any joy in exercise. All too often during the last several months I've felt like I was going nowhere. I worried if I'd ever recover, and whether I'd progress beyond a granny crawl on my walks. I'm still yearning to do aerobics and strength training with Alaskaboy, but I've begun feeling like they're gonna be a likely occurrence in the near future, rather than Probability Zero.

I'm actually rather excited to be able to post this exercise progress report. One that actually feels like an exercise report, rather than a rehab report. LOL

Walking: I'm doing regular 1.5 mile walks. I'm nowhere near the same speed or fitness levels as December 2006, but compared to where I was in November 2008 where it took me an HOUR to walk a mile, I'm kickin' goals! Only a couple of months ago I'd improved to a 40min mile. Last night I did a PB for my recent activity levels; 1.5 miles in 42 mins. That's almost the same m/ph over two miles as December '06. Very exciting! I have the speed, now I can work on my stamina.

Also, the recent PB came after exercising the two days prior. A walk on Monday, and swimming the day before--which was also a recent PB.

Swimming: I, an author, don't have the words to describe how amazing it feels to be back in the pool. Compared to how I felt last week after my swim in the pool, I'm over the moon. I know, I know, I didn't have my goggles last week and so had to swim awkwardly and I was happy being back IN a pool, but it still didn't stop my sense of failure when it took me 40 mins to swim 500m.

WHERE does that bullshit come from? Honestly!

LSED maybe?

If so. HA! Eight months ago I was afraid to take a bath because I might have been too weak to get back out again. Now look at me! (My sense of accomplishment went through the roof just now when I discovered that I'm, again, almost as fit as December '06.) Tuesday I swam just over 900m in 45 mins. The clincher being that I did kickboard and thigh pull work for part of that distance and the pool is about 6 deg F warmer than the previous pool I swam in. (LOL and about 20 F warmer than our apartment's pool!)

With this regained ability to exercise constructively and consistently, I feel like I've found a lost part of myself. I'm pondering whether to make today a rest day or if I'll do a nice slow mile walk as an easy day. I felt fucking fantastic typing that last sentence. Exercise is once again an enjoyable choice, rather than a struggle.:)

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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I CAN eat fruit and veggies intuitively. Hooray!

After Gwyneth and Kathryn's comments on my Life Changing post it's like a light bulb has gone off inside my head. From my reaction the last few days, it would seem that my brain finally understands that I'm no longer dieting.

The light bulb shone some light on this wee little corner of my brain that was still saying, "Regular fruit and vegetable intake means we're dieting! So mustn't do that." I honestly don't know where that subconscious assertion about fruit and vegetables has come from. I LIKE to eat fruit and veggies.

Perhaps it is to do with how disordered my eating was during the times I wasn't dieting, and then when I was dieting the Diet Police were hard at work enforcing regular fruit'n'veg intake. So, I equated eating both fruit and vegetables on the same day, more than one day in a row, as dieting.

Sheesh!

Approaching my food as needing adequate nutrition, not just for myself but for any eventual child I have, has really been the tangent I've needed to sneak in under the Diet Police's Radar. Yesterday for breakfast I had red curry meatball sandwich with thai sweet chilli sauce; lunch was toasted veggie and cheese sandwich; 1st snack was a choc/almonds dipped icecream; 2nd snack was watermelon; and dinner was vegetable pasta with bean salad on the side.

Checking that on Fitday(first time there in a LONG time) showed that I'm getting adequate nutrition, but eating too much fat. Another light bulb. Cool!

Today was even more balanced as a result.
Breakfast:
Kashi Good Friends Cereal with sliced banana and milk.

Lunch:
Stir fry with chicken mince, red capsicum, onion, mushroom, sauerkraut, spinach, korean red pepper paste.
Rice.

1st snack:
Sesame Ball

2nd Snack:
baked sweet potato
Korean toasted seaweed

Dinner:
rice
green curry chicken patties
cucumber
pluot
shiso leaves
sauteed bean shoots

3rd Snack:
sesame ball
glass of soy milk


I honestly cannot remember the last time I had that many fruits and veggies in the same day by choice. Looking at today's menu, I'm surprised at how much I ate. Being active all day long, plus exercise, really does make a difference to my appetite. LOL

Thanks Gwyneth and Kathryn for helping me over this particular hurdle. :)

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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Advice needed.

As I mentioned at the bottom of yesterday's post; we're seriously thinking about starting a family later this year. Since making that decision I've alternated between thrilled and terrified. Thrilled because we really want this and are mentally and emotionally ready for this stage in our relationship. (In fact we'd go now if I wasn't wanting to recover a little more.) Scared because, well, most people are scared about taking this step. What ups the ante into terrified is my health.

Our gyno says "all systems are go" in regards to my reproductive organs and he didn't even mention my weight, but I'm worried about the rest of me. Firstly, I can't imagine how uncomfortable any significant weight gain is going to be on top of the actual baby's mass. There's no guarantees I won't put on 25-50+ pounds. That much extra weight on a body that is still possibly not fully recovered from antibiotic poisoning, plus nearly a year without any significant exercise, means I'm scared.

Funny thing is, a lot of this intuitive eating and exercise for the last couple of years has been geared towards having a baby, yet here I am nearly back up to my highest weight and physically the least fit I've ever been. VERY frustrating lemme tell you. Point in favour is the emotional fitness, but come on it's the body that does most of the work when pregnant. And the loose tendons and ligaments that can occur? Holy shit is that making me almost sick with fear at the thought of that on top of the weakness from the quinolones.

The medical establishment doesn't help matters. "Is best to lose some weight before getting pregnant...but don't diet." GRRRRR. I don't know if this is based on medical fact or is the fat bias that is so often seen with doctors.

Bottom line is I'm feeling the tick of the clock, both biological(Why aren't we already pregnant?) and chronological (You turn 32 this year and he turns 37, c'mon, c'mon, time's a-wasting!) Yet I'm really not sure how to approach this. Ideally, I'd love another twelve months to recover and build up my fitness and health. . .but as we've seen shit happens. And we don't want to wait another twelve months.

Any thoughts?

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Monday, June 02, 2008

Somethin's Cookin'.

I felt really heartened by Gwyneth and Kathryn's suggestions in response to my nutrition dilemma the other day. So much so that I pretty much ate really well and covered almost all servings in the dietary pyramid. And, I bought a packet of organic chicken breasts and had Alaskaboy grind them up for me. Can't use the packets of store chicken or turkey mince as they're not organic. I wasn't gonna pay for the whole foods meat section to grind it for me, but I also wasn't gonna go without. I deserve my favourite kind of meatball!

It didn't hurt that the bean salad was a success either. For some reason I think I've been afraid of cooking with beans. Chilli I know how to cook. Tuscan beans and sage = easy. Hummus and falafel are a breeze. And Veggie tacos, REALLY easy thanks to refried beans in the can! LOL

Anything else? Forget it. In the past I've tried bean burgers, bean loaf, bean salad, bean dip etc...and I don't seem to be able to do it right. Lentils, no prob. Beans, big problem. And I'm wondering if that was the fault of the recipes I'd used. Coupled with my apprehension about using beans and it was a downward spiral.

So, anyone got any tried and true bean recipes that they wanna share with me? Chickpea/Garbanzo beans, kidney beans, pinto beans, black beans, soy beans, whatever kind of bean. I'm open to trying new stuff now that I'm over my bean stage fright.

Today we went and did a big grocery shop. We have plenty of fresh fruit, veggies, meat, bread, pantry stuff, something from every food group. And I'm loving it! Tonight I've cooked Vegetarian chilli, chilli con carne, meatloaf, red curry beef meatballs and I would have done green curry chicken meatballs except we're out of green curry paste. Oh well. Off to the Asian store tomorrow anyway as we didn't get there today.

One of the main reasons I'm wanting to get my nutrition right as well as exercise more regularly is we're cooking up a plan to get pregnant later this year. Found it really funny that on one of the trips in from the car I had in one hand both the ovulation tester kit. . .and the carton of eggs. LOL

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Real Post about the Bean Salad

Didn't have much time for more than the quicky post last night. So here's a little more in depth one.

The bean salad by itself was really tasty, but it was even better when I served it up as part of a meal.
I chopped up some lettuce and placed it on the plate with the bean salad over the top and a dollop of sour cream on the top of that. Then on another part of the plate there was some mexican rice, a plain egg omelette, and some salsa.

I heated up some corn tortillas and we ate it all combined as tacos. Didn't even need any cheese. YUM! And very satisfying, wasn't hungry for several hours after that.

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Sunday, June 01, 2008

Verdict.

McFarty Salad = McFabulous!

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McFarty Salad.



Here's the bean salad I mentioned I was gonna make in Thursday's post. It ended up being nothing like the salad I set out to make; mainly because I didn't have most of the ingredients.

Knowing we have some corn tortillas, and a lot of coriander, that need using up, I decided to go with a Mexican theme.

Last night, after cooking the beans, I put half in the fridge to make other dishes today, and the remainder I chucked in one of my favourite salad bowls. Okay, Mexistyle should have onion, garlic, tomato, red capsicum, coriander, lemon juice, olive oil, cumin, oregano. Ooooh and a few shakes of Cholula sauce.

Mmm. . .smells kinda like a beany pico de gallo.

After having to dump it out into a bigger bowl to mix the coriander in, I tasted it. A bit heavy on the lemon, but will let it sit to mingle. So back into the bowl it went and into the fridge. This morning I got up and sure enough, there was a big hole in the flavour. The main tastes were garlic, lemon and a bit of bean flavour.

Neither Alaskaboy or I were sure what the flavour hole was, so I went and looked at some other recipes online...and pretty much all the mexi style ones had corn in them. Now, to me, corn kernels and beans just don't go together. I enjoy eating the beans with corn tortillas or chips, but not with corn kernels. Am guessing the flavour/texture is just not right for my taste buds. Cannot do succotash (GAG!) to save my life.

But, what does corn add? Sweetness. Allrighty then, lets add some sugar. So, I scooped out 3/4 cup portion of the salad to play with. Some sugar, more salt and pepper, more ground cumin, more dried oregano, a dash more olive oil. Hey, not too bad.

Chucked that back in the bowl and then added enough of the other ingredients to jazz up the whole salad. But, still not quite right. Lemon is still too harsh. Got it! Some white vinegar to cut the lemon.

Perfect!

Now, the mingle test. We're planning on this for dinner tonight with mexican rice and the tortillas. Will let yas know how it turns out.

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