Thursday, May 15, 2008

Body Confidence Issues.

In many ways I'm feeling better about my body than I ever have. Case in point: the other day I woke up and noticed in the mirror on the way to the kitchen that my belly looked HUGE. Instead of freaking about how fat I'd all of a sudden become, I stopped and thought back over the last few days. I'd eaten a lot of salty food. That, plus the other kinds of foods I'd been wanting to eat usually meant PMS. A-HA! Premenstrual bloating = HUGENORMOUS tummy. And I shrugged and went on with my day.

But in another way, I'm completely unsure about my body. I feel weak. And I don't like it or know how to deal with it. Because I was a gymnast at an early age and continued sports up until the age of twenty, plus then did aerobics on an fairly regular irregular basis, if that makes any sense!, I'd kept most of my muscle tone. . .until now.

As a result, I'm having a confidence crisis.

Physically, I can tell I've lost muscle tone, not only because of the antibiotic reaction, but also the enforced rest period I've had to go through since. I'm longing to do aerobics and lift weights like I used to, but I'm not strong enough to do that yet. And I'm so Booooored with mere walking. Mentally, I don't trust my body. Before, if I did x + y, my body would give me z results. Now x + y = god only knows. I've never been weak, I don't know how to treat this new weaker body. I feel like a failure for getting puffed or sore as soon as I do. Emotionally, I'm scared. I feel like I'm holding myself back too much, but I'm afraid that if I push, I'll end up crippled or with pulled muscles / ripped tendons etc. I'm scared to push how good I'm feeling and go too far and undo all the progress I've done in the last 8 months. And swimming? HA! That's what got me into this mess in the first place.

So, for the last two months I've become totally insecure about what my body is capable of doing physically. I don't know this new body and I'm having a great deal of trouble accepting it and my weakness. I'm guessing that this is a step that all injured people go through during their rehab, but it doesn't make my dislike or fear any less.

I'm also VERY tired of exercising alone. I've tried looking all over the place for walking groups. No luck there, they're all power walkers, or hikers, or mum groups, none of which I am. So, I'm looking into buying an mp3 player of some kind. Hopefully that'll at least make walking more enjoyable again.

Having given up on our apartment block's pool ever being warm enough for me to get into again--My tendons don't like water that's 55-65F / 13-18C anymore-- I'm summoning up my courage to go check out water aerobics classes. Having finally found an indoor pool, this may be a little easier than I think it will be. But! I have to get up the courage to go check out the place, find out how much it costs, and then, if it's affordable, somehow find the confidence to actually go.

And, again, it's not a matter of worrying about how I'll look in bathers, but the fear that I may get carried away and hurt something. I hate feeling like this!

0 Nibbles: