Saturday, March 22, 2008

Rehash.

It's late, I'm tired, and yet I can't sleep. I've tossed and turned for the past hour. There was something I wanted to do tonight, but I knew that I didn't have the energy to do it. Alaskaboy was also too tired to help me with it. He's currently blissfully snoring away, and my brain is still racing. So, in lieu of what I want to do, I'm here, babbling at my blog. Hopefully releasing something will help me sleep. Tomorrow, however, we do it. It is a technique I learned from one of my creative writing books. Over and over again, you ask yourself, What are you really afraid of? This time he's agreed to help me do this by asking me those questions. Over and over again till we get to the bottom of whatever it is I'm currently obsessing over.

And I know I'm obsessing over something. How? Oh the usual. After we'd got into bed tonight and had our usual couple's wind-down-at-the-end-of-the-day kind of conversation, I had the urge to ask him a question. Lying there in the dark I desperately wanted to ask him, “Do you find me sexy still, even though I've put a lot of weight back on?” Now, those of you who've been reading this for awhile will know full well, as I do, that whenever I want to know the answer to that question, that it's NEVER about whether or not he finds me attractive. I know for a fact that he finds me both sexy and beautiful.

No. This question always comes up when I'm feeling negative about myself or my life in general. Or when something that makes me afraid or angry is ready to be shook loose. And tonight I find myself tired of it all. Tired of the navel gazing. Tired of fighting the diet thinking. Tired of fighting society's conceptions of what is beautiful. Tired of fighting myself

So, am on to bullet points for the rest of this post because I'm tired of fighting for words to articulate how I'm really feeling.

- I stopped my 100 miles in 100days comp. It was feeling too much like a diet thing I HAD to do. I'd missed several days and felt unbearable pressure to catch up. So, I missed some more. Then did two miles straight two days in a row, and while that felt good, I'd stopped enjoying the walk for enjoyment's sake. And I haven't walked since. Hopefully stopping the competition will help me to walk intuitively again.
- I haven't been eating intuitively at all the last few days. Again another symptom of things not being right.
- I've found myself alternating between moments of negative talk and positive talk
- I miss aerobics and I want my carefree days back before the stupid antibiotic reaction. So fucking sick of having to be constantly aware of what I can't eat. So sick of making a fuss whenever I go somewhere. Sick of having people forget what I can and cannot eat.
- I wish I was healthy enough and we were rich enough to have a baby. And to buy our own home, that is a real house in a nice neighbourhood.
- I wish I already had novels published, with many ideas for more salable novels and short stories, and was making money to help contribute to our finances. And yes, I'm jealous of certain bloggers and wished I wrote well enough to have lots of readers.
- SO frustrated that I'm still having to do all this navel gazing crap!
- Am really hoping that when summer comes around I can do water aerobics. Both physically able and emotionally have the courage to go and do the classes.
- Am pissed off that I'm back to feeling uncomfortably fat. Finding it a little hard to get a good position to sleep in in bed. Can feel the heaviness of my belly on my lap when I'm sitting. Hate that my knees can't be together because my belly gets in the way when sitting.
- Am fighting so hard not to hate myself for allowing myself to try and eat my fears away again.
- Frustrated that I can't find the key to stop sabotaging myself. Well, I can, but then it's like an endless series of other locks that need yet more keys. AND more fucking navel gazing to get through the subsequent weight gain.
- Proud of myself that I keep going though.
- Amazed at the depth of belief and trust that Alaskaboy has in me. The scales are still in the bathroom and he won't put them away because he trusts me to be able to stay off them. So far his belief in me is working.
- Pleased that I'm able to say at least one positive affirmation per day.
- I have the courage to continue doing all of this despite the doubts.


And even though this is hard, spending the rest of my life on one diet after another would be SO much fucking harder.

Thank you for listening, and good night.

1 Nibbles:

Marshmallow said...

Kada - just letting you know that I always read, and like many others, I am often so speechless that I rarely find the words to respond.

{{{HUGZ}}}