Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Progress. . .of sorts.

Last time, positive affirmations helped me get have the courage to face what I had to. So I'm trying it again. But, this time I went one step farther.

Imagine if you will that the image is our bathroom mirror. The purple rectangles represent the ruled index cards that are stuck on the mirror with sticky tape. On those cards are affirmations. One affirmation per card. They're each written in pretty coloured texta (marker pen.) So each time I go into the bathroom, they're there. And I say those affirmations.

They helped me to binge less today. In fact, it really was less of a binge and more of eating for my tastebuds. I went with intuitive eating, but ate more at each sitting than I actually wanted. Definitely improvement on yesterday. I am full, but my stomach isn't distended and aching.

Today, I also took photos of the bathroom mirror, trying to get a good shot of the affirmations. So excited to take the photos was I, that I did it straight after my shower. I figured it didn't matter that I had no clothes on, I could always blur myself. I forgot about the mirrored medicine cabinet that sits on the side wall, directly next to the actual mirror. The main part of me was easy to blur, but the bits reflected in and amongst the affirmation cards was not. (Just glad I noticed before I posted them!) So, that's why I went with the drawn image. I couldn't be bothered redoing the shots after all that effort.

BUT. The good thing to come out of those photos is that I was seeing myself from angles I wasn't used to being seen from. Funnily enough, I was able to appreciate my feminine form. I could see myself. See my body, the way it moves in different positions. I could see what my husband finds attractive about my body.

Now, for another step forward, that I thought of as I was writing this post.

I'm thinking that I can't get natural shots of myself this week, so I'm gonna ask Alaskaboy to take some of me on the weekend. Photos of me doing everyday things, but not all the pics will be of me clothed, some will be naked. Actually SEEING my body, rather than the mirror-distorted and stilted front on view that is pretty much all I usually see.

After seeing Keely's body the other day in the act of running along the beach, and seeing myself today, I realised that this is something I need to do to connect to my body as it actually is. I need to do this to be able to appreciate the beauty of my body as it is right here and now. I don't want studio or professionally shot photos, because they are artificial. I want to see myself in the ways my body normally behaves. I want to see what my husband sees when he tells me how beautiful I am. Therefore no cheesy 'smile for the birdy' pics. Just me, in my natural surroundings.

I actually find myself looking forward to this exercise. The idea has made me feel light on the inside. It's like I'm going beyond all the hurtful words that I've heard. I'm heading towards a place where I'm learning what I think of myself. I'm flinging off the words of others and learning to see myself through my own eyes. This feels both scary and exhilarating all at the same time!

And if Alaskaboy can't take the photos I'm wanting to see, well then there's always the remote control that I can push at random moments during the day to take pictures on my own. I'm determined to start from the outside in. I'm ready to know who I really am. I have the strongest feeling that learning who I am will help me deal with who I was, and in the process free me to be all I want to be.

2 Nibbles:

Amanda said...

Affirmations are great, that's a certainty.

I often wonder how we look to other people. It's strange, when a (particular) boy tells me he thinks I'm sexy etc, I believe that he believes it, but I can't see it myself at all. I wonder whether photos from different angles would help- or whether I'd continue to see something that he doesn't.

Kada said...

Yes, Amanda, yes they are. :)

I wonder how I look too. In videos I sound and look nothing like I imagined I did. My expressions are certainly fascinating. In some ways I feel like a parent with a new baby. Learning all about this person who I've only seen from the inside and imagined, and now I can actually see her.

I believe...if I'd have done this any earlier in my journey, I'd have been focused only on the negative.