Thursday, March 13, 2008

My surname isn't Anderson, but I am Angry.

Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance. All steps to go through with any kind of grief or hurt. And nothing that says you have to go through them in order or even only once.

(With apologies to Crowded House- Better be Home Soon)

Somewhere deep inside
Somethin's got a hold on me
And it's pushing good aside
See it stretch on forever

And I know I'm riled
Not the first time in my life
That's why I binge hard
I'd better be done soon

Stripping back the coats
Of lies and deception
Back to angriness
Like a week in the desert

And I know I'm riled
Not the last time in my life
That's why I eat more
I'd better be done soon

I can't say no, can't say nothing's wrong
Cos when I dig down deep, anger comes on strong

OOOOOh No, no, no no.

It does cause me pain
To see myself like this
But I must rant again
I must rage, seethe and hiss

And I know I'm riled
Not the first time in my life
That's why I roar loud
I'd better be done soon
Oh-h!
That's why I cry hard
I'd better be done soon


Yep. I'm angry. I've been angry ever since I wrote that post last week. Now that the excuses are gone, I've delved down into new parts of my emotions and life, and I really don't like where it has taken me. Fury. Red hot anger that leaves me jaw-clenched and nauseous. I don't like knowing the reasons why I'm angry. I don't like feeling this way about the people I'm raging at. And I most certainly don't want to deal with ANY of this.

I feel so PETTY! And that's what I'm most angry about. All the stuff I dealt with last year was socially acceptable bad juju. Deep, hurtful, awful things that I will never go into on this blog because they're between me and the people involved. Private things. This new stuff is something I won't go into in depth on here because talking about it will betray the people involved more deeply than I would ever wish to hurt an enemy, let alone people that are close to me And a lot of it is petty stuff. No less hurtful, but still petty.

I want to rage at these people. Spew forth my hurt into their faces and yet I can't. To do so, especially out of the fear and anger I'm currently feeling, would be to irretrievably damage my future relationship with them.

That's the bitch about being furious with those you love. It's easy to call someone a fuckwad and give them the middle finger when you hardly know them. It's easy, in retrospect, to deal with bad juju. It's hard to admit that you're being emotionally abused by people you love. And not of any nastiness or spite on their behalf, but out of love. And that sometimes it comes from pettiness and jealousy.

It's hard to admit people you adore and that you thought were pretty A-OK, are just as screwed up as you are, in their own way. It's fucking awful to realise that people you love don't really want to know the ins and outs of how you're really feeling. They want you to deal with your emotions in the socially acceptable way, by going on a diet.

Not happy with yourself or your life or your past? Go on a diet! Get a hobby! Get a job! Make friends! Have children! Keep a stuff upper lip! Distract yourself by any and all means, but for God's sake, don't come to me and try and tell me that our relationship may not be as great as we think it is. And don't try and fix it. Don't tell me that my helpful suggestions are anything but helpful. Lie to me because I really don't want to know the truth.

It's HARD when you realise that you're feeling this way about several of the people in your life...including yourself! I want to stand in front of the mirror and say all the things I used to say to myself, “Get a grip. Get over yourself. Don't be so stupid. Lose weight and it'll all be better. Get on the scales, focus, focus, focus on losing weight!”

It's breaking my heart that I can't live with that kind of tunnel vision anymore. I want to rush back into the safety of diet thinking, and I can't. So this week, I've stuffed myself to the point of bellyache at every meal. I have all this anger, and I'm not ready to deal with it. So I've been binging. I don't want to feel like this about these people, and yet I do, So I'm avoiding it all. I'm angry that I'm not strong enough to deal with this, angry that I'm feeling it in the first place, and angry that they talk to me this way. Angry that I'm still afraid to lose weight. Angry at so many things.

BUT AT LEAST I CAN ADMIT WHAT I'M DOING AND GO WITH THE FLOW.

Yes, I'm angry. Yes we're all being petty. Yes they're hurting me. Yes, I'm hurting myself by binging. Yes it sucks. YOU BET I'M FUCKING FURIOUS. But you know what? That's okay. I remember all those times I'd go on a binge when dieting and say even worse things to myself. “You pig. You've got no self control. I don't know WHY I sabotage myself. Why don't I have any control?” Blah, blah, BLAH!

All those dieting lies that we tell ourselves rather than admitting we need some comforting to get through something we're not quite ready to deal with yet. A child needs a blankie. So you give it to them. A dog whimpers, you give it a pat. Night lights. Lullabies. All the things we do to soothe children, but when we need soothing, in the only way we learned how to soothe ourselves, then it's all of a sudden wrong? Fuck that! The big, bad boogie man has creaked open the wardrobe door, and I don't want to look at him just yet, so I'm hiding under my food and book blankie for a little while longer. And just like a child, I'll outgrow my need for this blankie eventually. I'll be ready to deal with it when I'm good and ready. It's like toilet training, you can't rush these things.

One day I'll put aside the pretzels, chips, munchy, crunchy, bingy things I've been eating and drinking this week. One day, but not today. Today I'm slowing down. I can write this post and that's a step closer to packing the blankie up with mothballs and putting him away for ever. But not today. Today I need some more hand holding and some mindless comfort. I know that eventually I'll release and deal with all of this anger and move on. But at the moment it's still to big and too scary to wrestle into some form of manageable shape. So, I'll let it out in dribs and drabs in between the vicious destruction of harmless pretzels. But in the full knowledge of what I'm doing. I'm so over apologising for my moods and emotions. So over needing an excuse to feel negative emotions. So OVER needing to be perfect.

Yes, I'm binging. Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I'm hurting. But it's a NECESSARY step on my journey to get well. I hurt too much, therefore I eat. Yes, I've put on some weight. No I haven't got on the scales to see how much. Why do humans have this desperate need to measure, quantify and compare stuff. Who cares how fucking much? It's pain, and anger and frustration that are putting the extra flab on my belly. And once that negativity is dealt with, so too will the results of this binge disappear. But only when I'm ready for it to. . .and not a second before.

I thought all the hard stuff was done last year. I truly believed the pounds would drop off like Doreen Virtue promises in Losing Your Pounds Of Pain. I knew I was healed and could get on with my life and all would be coming up roses and my shit would no longer stink. . . The bitch of it is that admitting or acknowledging the problem is only the first step. You still need to feel the emotions that the admittance generates before you can move on.

At risk of sounding like a sleaze, go ahead, feel yourself. Bring your down and dirty self into the light of day!

3 Nibbles:

Marshmallow said...

I feel you on so many levels with being angry at the people you love. The people you love hurt you the most. {{{HUGZ}}}

Just know, that I'm here, and I always want to know the ins and outs of how you're feeling.

Love you, girlie!

Kada said...

This was a hard post for me to write. I know I'm making a positive step forward by actually feeling the anger and such, even with the binging.


But...

The ever present but. Why does it feel like a failure that I'm hurting so much?

Marshmallow said...

Awwww!

My guess - and this is purely based on my experience - is that whenever we hurt, it's because we've failed in some way; thus, we always associate hurt with failure. When I was a kid, I remember feeling sad whenever my parents told me off, expressed disappointment in me, made fun of me, or made note that I was a failure. So now, I associate pain and hurt with failure. When that's not always the case - pain can be acknowledgement that you feel, pain is a gateway to a new start, pain can be progress.