Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I accept!

“Good stomach,” says LSED, then breaks into song.

Listen, Stomach, what a load of bull!
There's no way you could be full.
Come on eat another little bite.
You need to finish everything in sight!

Yup. The bitch is singing. That means she's in a good mood. High Self Esteem Guru is supposed to be off gathering the cavalry, but I think she's in hiding for a bit.

And I feel like shit. (oooh, I rhymed!)

I went through my wardrobe again today. I've put clothes into the Goodwill bag that have made it through every other winnowing I've done in the past. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. My belly is fully distended. I'm thirsty as all hell, but the half glass of water I've got sitting on my desk in front of me won't FIT in my stomach.

The pain in my stomach helps detract from the pain of giving away some of those clothes. Clothes that I used to fit into. Clothes that I've never worn.
My awfully tight abdomen helps avoid the tightness in my jaw from how angry I am that I'm giving up on ever wearing those clothes. That I didn't get rid of all of those clothes and am clinging to the hope that I'll fit into the remainder one day.
The food that I've shoved down my throat the last few days is helping keep my emotions at bay for a little longer. And yet weeping storms managed to creep up past the food yesterday anyway. Today I didn't cry. I couldn't. If I did I probably would have puked, my stomach is that full.

I'm really struggling with these latest revelations of mine. I thought last year that it was hard when dealing with issues that ex-friends and ex-boyfriends had given me. It's nothing compared to what I'm dealing with now. Those ex-friends and ex-boyfriends were easy to deal with. They're out of my life. I can let them go and move on. It's harder to do that when you're dealing with issues that involve people you still love, and that love you in return.

Dealing with so much pain and anger caused by family members that have hurt you with only the best of intentions. That never meant to hurt you, and if they ever knew how much you were hurting would be devastated that they'd done that to you. (Or deny that they could have done or said those things.) They were only doing the best they could with how they were raised and the tools they had.

And so, I'm eating down my feelings. I feel guilty for feeling hurt and angry. Logically I know that they didn't mean the hurt inflicted, but the hurt still occurred. I'm conflicted. I'm having trouble seperating the acts from those that did or said those things. I'm trying to deal with the feelings without equating them to the people involved, but it's the fact that those people were involved that makes the feelings of betrayal hurt so much more. And so, I go around in circles again.

And I eat.

Sometimes IE sucks. Dieting was easy. I could blame any negativity on the food, or the fact I was failing at the diet, or that I'd put on weight. This sucks. Having to deal with what's actually wrong HURTS.

And so, I eat.

I know there'll come a point where I'm ready to deal with the emotions and these issues, but I'm eating in the mean time. I thought when I'd dealt with all that stuff last year that I was Queen Bee at this Intuitive Eating stuff. I thought IE was a breeze. Deal with big bad scary emotions, cry, have a temper tantrum or six and I'll be excellent for the rest of my life.

Guess what? I have more than one issue that needs resolving. I've been through the easy stuff, relatively speaking. Now I'm really digging down into the muck and the shit. And I can hear LSED in her best Valley girl accent saying, “Don't go there, Girlfriend.” So I don't.

I haven't had a binge like this in years. I'd forgotten how much my stomach hurts when I fill it this full. This is a serious binge. And yet. According to the Overcoming Overeating and Intuitive Eating I must still accept that this is the best coping method I have at this given time. This is hard. I feel like I'm repeating lessons I've already learned, and that I should know better. That I should be able to face this and feel it, release it, then move on.

But that's dieting thinking isn't it? Little Miss Perfect can't take two steps back, it must always be onwards and upwards!

So. I accept that I've binged in a big way over the last two days. I accept that I need to stay up awhile so I don't puke or get indigestion when going to bed. I accept that I'm even too full to go for a walk without getting a huge stitch. I accept that I binged. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. If I still need to binge again tomorrow, so be it. There WILL come a point when I'm ready to deal with this, and when it does, I'll be ready. And knowing that I'll be ready, feels so good. I remember when I used to be wracked with self-hatred and guilt after a binge. Acceptance really does make all the difference in the world.

1 Nibbles:

Marshmallow said...

I wish I knew how to make it easier.

I wish there was a way for it to be easy, for things to be resolved, for us to go, "Aha!" and for it to begone, and that we wouldn't have to binge, and cry, and relive all of these things that we thought we'd put aside already.

I think the binge is your body's way of telling you, "I'm ready. I'm ready for these deep down issues to be resolved, and Mind, I trust you and have faith that you can do it." Your mind just needs to catch up.

I'm in a similar place to you, and I believe we can draw strength from each other to resolve what's been hurting us.