Thursday, November 15, 2007

Can't Stop Progress.

I really miss exercise. Most especially I miss the sense of achievement that comes from knowing you've completed more reps, a higher step, or a longer workout than ever before. It was such a rush. Gotta love endorphins!
My physical sense of achievement this week comes from knowing that I did the most lines of cross stitch in one day since the adverse reaction. But not only that, I went grocery shopping, went to the post office, did some dishes, cooked dinner and critiqued a friend's essay. Plus a few other chores, but my sense of achievement was huge. That only doubled this morning when I woke up and my wrists know they've worked, but feel like they could do some more cross stitch today. And look, see, typing! Remember when all I could do was lie on the couch or bed and cry? All of this gives me hope that eventually I'll be able to do structured exercise once more. (And if I can't? Well, at least I'm able to live my life.) And when I say eventually, I mean eventually. One major thing this has taught me is to respect my limitations and have patience.

Even though I'm not exercising, I'm losing weight. Even more importantly I'm also losing fat visibly off my body. How visibly? The 40DD bra that I've been wearing comfortably for over twelve months, now all of a sudden can fit my hands in the cup with my boobs. So, I've needed to tighten the shoulder straps nearly a full inch this morning. The 16W jeans that I was wearing in my latest progress shots, I'm wearing them as wearable clothes, not just ones to test my progress. A few tops that I bought approx six weeks ago now sit awkwardly on me since my belly isn't big enough to fill them out. The tops slide back so that I feel like I'm choking on the collar after I've warn them for a little while. Shame too cause they're nice tops. Yesterday I bent down and tied my shoes while sitting on a chair...and halfway through realised that I was leaning down over my leg, with my belly lying on top of my thigh, not hanging down in the middle of my spread legs like I used to have to do. God, I remember back to when Alaskaboy had to tie my shoes for me because I couldn't reach at all, even with my foot up on a chair!

My weight is the same it has been for the last six weeks--up and down between 213.5 and 215.5--yet my clothes are fitting so much better! How am I doing this? Buggered if I know. I can only put it down to continuing to eat intuitively. Perhaps my body is also working hard to repair what damage was done, and is consequently using up more energy than I think it is.

What a relief it is lemme tell you to feel like I do currently. I eat when I'm hungry, I stop when I'm full, and I eat exactly what I'm hungry for. There are days when I nibble all day long in between meals, and some days where I eat only two large meals, or three smallish ones. Or days where I nibble without meals. Some days I'm really thirsty and drink over two litres, some days I'm lucky if I drink one.

Who would have thought when I was in the middle of all that awfulness in August and September that I'd come to realise that in many ways it has helped me go even farther down the road to good health. There in the mirror is someone I'm happy to see. Someone I love unconditionally. Someone I accept exactly the way she is. I must admit to being anxious when going out to eat either at a restaurant or a friends place, but that's to be expected with a food allergy. And it's now part of who I am. It also gives me practice to stand up for myself and say I can't have/do this. That in itself is a liberating feeling knowing I have the confidence to do that now, whereas before I would have kept my mouth shut in order to be polite, and hoped for the best. Sometimes it feels like whining, but then I remember that I'm respecting myself and my body, and my need to apologise evaporates...although it's usually snuck out of my mouth before I remember that point. LOL

I know that some of you are having a blech time at the moment, just remember, it will pass. With each breath you take it's another moment you're alive and another moment towards better health. Allow your body the grace to do it in its own time. Even if you go a few steps backwards, eventually you'll move forward again. That's the beauty of this journey, it's a life long one and there's nothing and no one to compete against, not even yourself. There isn't even really a finish line, unless you call being completely happy within yourself your final goal, and if that's the case, then look at all that life still to be lived once you reach that point. Isn't it marvelous? One reiki affirmation that's really stuck in my head recently is this one: This is the only time I get to live today, I choose to enjoy it.

Go ahead, somehow and someway, even if it's only momentarily, enjoy today.

0 Nibbles: