Thursday, September 27, 2007

Long time no write!

The fluoroquinolone poisoning that I had last month has been an eye opener for me. It showed me all the things that I'd been taking for granted. My sense of smell, my sense of taste, the ability to get out of bed in the morning, the ability to eat whatever I want without fear it may have some weird effect on me, my body's ability to do pretty much whatever I ask of it, that my body was hale and healthy.

Now, my muscles aren't as strong, my tendons ache after simple short tasks, my tastebuds and sense of smell will hopefully recover fully within twelve months, I get weird aches zings and twinges in my body, I have no endurance for crowds or noise(hypersensitive hearing) and I don't exercise for fear of rupturing tendons and muscles.

But, all that aside, I now appreciate the health and body I do have. I've lost any and all interest in dieting and binge eating. Not having all of your sense of taste and smell tends to decrease the desire to eat for pleasure's sake alone. Occasionally I spazz out because my body is trying to taste things that the olfactory nerves aren't quite up for yet, but overall I'm eating intuitively without any guilt. And it does feel good.

Also what feels good is that I've had a turn around in how I think about my writing. I've been dreading the next draft of all my stories. Basically I'd fallen into a heap because of how sore my tendons get from just a little bit of writing, but mostly it's been a mental thing. The initial creating and writing is the easy part. There's nothing in the tank at the moment in regards to that, and I've found it really has come time to knuckle down and deal with the stories I have waiting patiently on my computer. Time to revise and polish.

And polishing a novel is very different to polishing a short story. I've been overwhelmed by the sheer size of the task and how much I don't know and OMGWHATIFISCREWITUP? Don't worry, this is just my nature. I was exactly the same when an apprentice chef. I'm a basket case momentarily when learning new things. I get embarrassed when I make mistakes. Even if I'm the only one who knows I'm embarrassed. I don't know if it's a defeatist kind of attitude or some kind of screwed up perfectionism, but if I'm sure gonna get it wrong, I tend not to even try. Comes from having the ability to learn things quickly and easily I guess. I hadn't really had time to build character in regards to try and fail and try again.

The FQ poisoning is teaching me some of that too. Gotta do as much as I can without hurting myself and then stop. Then when rested go again some more, if I can. If not, let someone else do it. I'm being forced to learn patience. To learn to relax. To learn that it's okay if I can't complete a task right away. I'm also learning what it is to be physically weaker, and I don't like it. But, at least I can still walk and perform basic tasks, if slower than usual. I'm learning to be grateful for the simple things.

And it was my brother who said a simple thing that that reshaped the way I look at my writing completely. I was telling him how afraid and daunted I was, and he replied that there's nothing to be daunted about. The bit that I'm up for next is the fun part. Basically getting in there and getting your hands dirty. Doing the nitty-gritty and having fun building your world and your story and your characters. Building on the foundation I've already created.

Buggerit, I do have more to say, but will have to save that for later. My tendons in my forearms and fingers are sore now, so I must stop. Damn FQ.

Basically just wanted to let yas know I'm still alive and still here.

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