Thursday, August 16, 2007

Ugh.

No one sees the depth of me.
The hidden worm inside.
Loneliness is his name,
and he squirms through my life.
Glistening.
Always coiled, deep in my heart.
Fear and Anger are his siblings.
Anger coats my tongue.
Fear hides in my gullet.
Combined, their weight fells me.
I wish to fly.
Instead, I cry.


Today I'm feeling drained. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I've had this ear infection, switching back and forth between ears, for a month now. Over the weekend the doc tried me on a short course of oral antibiotic, since the two lots of ear drops didn't seem to clear it up completely. A hot flush, diarrhea, even more loss of appetite, then two hours of nausea on Monday morning was enough to send me back to the doctor's. All with no improvement on the ear, mind you.

Yesterday, I took the first of a new set that I'd been given. Enter extreme mood swings, frequent urination, complete loss of appetite, and then approx 4hrs after taking it I was overcome by weakness and shaking. Alaskaboy was an hour away, and an ambulance was too expensive. Eventually I was able to get hold of N. (One of the people I've met through an online group.) Luckily she was home and lives about a ten minute drive away.

She took me off to the hospital, after one of my neighbours waited out on the footpath with me in case I fainted or something.
Alaskaboy turned up at the ER about thirty minutes later, and he had a dressing on his hand. He'd collected a two inch long splinter in his hand at work, and had been in the process of getting it seen to when I called him. We made a right pair.

N. stayed throughout the triage process with us and registration, then went off home. Short time later was seen by the doc. Apparently I'm the third case he's recently seen with this kind of reaction to this antibiotic. All there is to do is wait it out. He did prescribe something to relax me and a new antibiotic. The antibiotic he said hold off on getting for a couple of days as the ear does look quite good.

Didn't need help sleeping as I was exhausted by the time we got home. But, had to struggle my way through half a small tub of yoghurt...the first thing I'd eaten in seven hours. Was completely nauseated by teh thought of eating. Today I'm still weak, but I don't know if that's the antibiotic continuing through my system, or if it's the lack of food, or both. I do know my taste buds have gone haywire. My appetite is still non-existent even though my body's letting me subtly know that it's hungry. Have managed to force feed myself a half a cup of soup and some bread at 5:30am, a yoghurt around 10ish, and an egg sandwich about an hour ago.

I'm declaring myself done.

After the anxiety attacks last month, all the emotional work I've been doing lately for dealing with my overeating issues, dramas involved in getting tickets organised for Australia, and now another month of feeling like crap. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of not feeling like myself. I'm sick of crying. Have given up on calling shrinks, none around here seem to be taking patients.

I wanna stop the world and get off until I'm feeling well again. I want my dog here. I miss her companionship so much. These few weeks have been nice in one respect because Alaskaboy has been working shorter hours. But at the end of this month he goes back to his usual schedule, and I'm dreading it.

I'm hoping this feeling of blahness and depression is being exacerbated by the antibiotic reaction and that once it wears off completely I'll feel much healthier and happier. Am hoping that I'm merely exhausted from the hectic few months I've had.

Today my loneliness is unbearable. Today, and every day for the last little while, writing has seemed like a huge burden and a herculean task just to sit at the desk. Getting any other kind of job is unthinkable due to my lack of confidence. All round I'm feeling like a waste of space and a misery guts. And I hate that feeling.

I have so much to be thankful for, but today, I'm unable to appreciate it. Hopefully just for today, and tomorrow I'll be feeling better.

3 Nibbles:

Marshmallow said...

Oh man! What's going on, all these people I care about are feeling horribly ill! Myself included! (in the ill AND in the 'people I care about' categories)

I hope you feel better soon :-) You can pop off my email any time and I don't recall if I ever extended the SMS option to you, but it is open (I keep in touch with Amanda and Tully that way)

Take care! {{{HUGZ}}}

Erin said...

Kada,

I don't have the words to make you feel better but I feel for you and wish I did. I can say again, email me anytime you need to talk doomlogic AT gmail dot com and I will give you better contact info there. I love your writing, I love your style-literary and in life both. I have felt this way so many times it doesn't bear repeating. For the past,hmm at least a yr solid but off and on before that, I have had chronic nerve pain in the nether regions that has practically rendered my wonderful major a friendship and has made me feel like less of a woman, a broken thing. I am slowly getting better but I definitely understand how being sick constantly can wear your spirit. Just hang on and you WILL make it through this, I know you know that but here is a stranger sayin' it too.

((HUGS))

lisa jane said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww (((((HUGS)))))

You poor thing, you sound so miserable.Earaches are the worst!Drug reactions are also very scary and unpleasant :(

Don't be lonely xoxoxoxoxoxo