Thursday, August 23, 2007

Not quite how I pictured it.

I've had a Fernwood Fitness Centre t-shirt hanging in my cupboard for years. It's one of the most comfortable shirts I have to work out in. Over the years I've tried to picture how I'd feel when fitting back into it again.

None of them came close to the reality.

I'm down to 215.5 lbs this week, and it's not in a healthy way. I never even thought that I'd be putting on my beloved t-shirt amidst a flood of tears at the terrible irony. A fitness t-shirt when I'm so weak that doing a full sink of dishes is more than I can handle. A t-shirt from a place you go to build strength, when I'm too afraid to do any form of exercise in case I rupture my tendons. A t-shirt to a place that supports health in mind, body and spirit and I'm currently so afraid if I'll ever be whole again; in any of those ways.

I'm debilitated by the effects of this god-damned antibiotic. The lacking in taste and smell was just the tip of the iceberg. Anorexia and yet there's brief moments of gut-wrenching hunger, suicidal thoughts, weakness, nausea, tingling/throbbing/burning in my hands and feet that come and go, pain in my muscles that also comes and goes, depression, lack of sleep, nightmares when I do sleep the one or two hours a night I'm currently able to get, feeling like my lung capacity is slightly diminished, and the list goes on.

And my doctor who was s'posed to be back tomorrow, is now out until Tuesday. I've been researching Avelox on the internet, the drug that I took one dose of nearly a week ago...and there's a chance that these symptoms may not go away, or may get worse, or have other side effects crop up weeks/months/years from now.

There's also the chance that these are temporary and I'll be healed soon enough. And that is the result I'm hoping and praying as hard as I can for. And of course that the ear that started it all will heal as well.

EDIT: Sis-in-law raises an interesting point. Perhaps I've got a virus of some sort also that's being exacerbated by the antibiotic reaction. Talking with her I've realised I had been a little tireder than usual lately too, even before this ear and antibiotic thing this month. Will bring this possibility up with the doc when I see one.

EDIT October 2013: In hindsight, I was having an MS relapse. 

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