Sunday, August 05, 2007

How High?

I didn't write my Morning Pages for two days running.*
I weighed in yesterday at 220.5 lbs. My inner voice said "Good."
Yesterday I binged on not only food but cross stitch and books also.
This morning I weighed in at 221 lbs. My inner voice said, "Even better."

So, I'm done with the scales. I've asked Alaskaboy to hide them again. This time for three months, and I'll see if I want to unearth them at that point or not, or whether they need to stay for another few weeks/months. (Undecided whether to weigh at annual physical checkup, or not. Will go with what feels right in that moment.)

This morning the reason for my formless anger and binging over the last couple of days became readily apparent. It wasn't somebody else that I was angry at, it was me. I was being a coward. Afraid of how much progress I've been making both in my personal and professional lives.

I was feeling threatened because someone had put a fair market value on my donation to a raffle. I decided to give my services as a chef and cook dinner for four people. Me, having the courage to be a temporary personal chef for people I haven't met yet. Wow. How cool is that? But, how scary that my time and effort is recognised correctly and given an appropriate price value!

I was feeling scared at how well my clothes are fitting. Not only fit, but some are starting to be a little looser than they've ever been before. Before I would have been ecstatic over this, but now I'm scared because it means I have the ability to lose these pounds in a healthy way, for good. I'm not using losing weight as a blind for my real problems, I'm losing weight because I'm dealing with my problems. Again, Wow, progress...but OH SHIT!

I'm worried that I may actually be learning to accept my job. I set aside a new book I bought last week and promised myself I could only read it after I've submitted two short stories. That book's still sitting there, untouched. I haven't even read the blurb on the back or cracked open the pages or even TOUCHED it since I sat it on the shelf; front cover out and in line-of-sight from where I sit to write. When I've done this in the past, that book is devoured within several days because I couldn't stand to see it sitting there unread. Wow. I'm learning to reward myself properly, and I've accepted that I WILL actually send those stories out into the world and thus the book CAN sit there until I've earned my reward. Gobsmacked is more how I'm feeling rather than afraid.

So, you see, progress is happening all over the place and I felt overwhelmed. This morning, my anger disappeared when I figured out that I wasn't being a coward. That binge the last few days was me pausing to gather my courage for the next step. I needed just two days to take a breather from all this self discovery.

Those two lbs I gained are no doubt only water weight considering the amount of salt and carbs I had in the last two days. But, I'm ready to lose another crutch. Buh-bye scales. Last time I ditched them and Alaskaboy hid them was in desperation. I had to break my addiction to weighing every day and letting the scales dictate my moods. This time I'm making a conscious and well thought out decision to put them away. I've been using them to stay "safe" at 220+ lbs. I'm not a little girl, I don't need my water wings to swim. I don't need the scales to lose weight. I don't need to stay fat anymore. So, look at me. I took two days to stand at the edge of the water and take deep breaths and psyche myself up for this next leap forward.

And here I go. 1..2..3..Jump!

*(3 private journal pages every morning a day for twelve weeks to help unblock creativity by getting out all the mental detritus that's worrying you. Part of the Artist's Way program.)

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