Tuesday, July 10, 2007

D.I.E.T.

Sorry. This one isn't too coherent. I wrote it the other day when I was feeling hurt, depressed, and completely lacking in anything resembling creative juices.


“You're so lucky.”
Here, wanna borrow my rabbit's foot, horseshoe or leprechaun? Oh wait...I don't have any of those.

“I'd give anything to be able to eat that cake. I wish I was like you.”
Anything? Even give up your diet?
And you do huh? Okay, come on over and I'll tell you my life story.

“You can't eat that, it's bad for you!”
So...you know things about my medical history that I and my doctor aren't even aware of?

“You have to finish what's on your plate before you leave the table.”
Give one really good reason why, just one, and I will.
. . .
. . .
. . . That's what I thought.

Oh, and my personal favourites.
“That's cheating, you've got a better metabolism than me. It's not fair that you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight.” or “Intuitive eating is easy.”
Lose weight? You're kidding right? You who've lost so very many pounds, or didn't have that many excess pounds to start with, are bitching about the small amount I've lost in the past twelve months? How is eating what I want cheating? Is there a rule that says I have to be irritable, hungry, and jealous or horrified of anyone who eats a chocolate bar in order to lose weight?

Better metabolism, huh? Okay, that may be true for the people who have thyroid disorders or valid medical reasons for being overweight, or unhealthy. But, not for most of you. While you're over there having your spite attack, lemme tell you what I've been doing.

Hours of crying on the bed. Wailing for my Mummy like a lost child. Hurt, fear and pain that I don't even know the cause of, just that it's long buried stuff that I'm finally letting out.
Taking my childhood teddy bear to bed for reassurance two nights in a row whilst I felt those emotions.
Picturing inside my head just what I'd do if I could get my hands on a softball bat. Let's just say if I'd enacted that I probably would have gone to jail for both property damage and assault and battery.
Up til 6am several nights in a row watching dvds or reading books, just so I'd be tired enough to sleep without lying awake and thinking another thought.
Admitting to my mother things that I never thought I would.
Telling other people how I really feel about them.
And most of all admitting things to myself that I've been denying for a very long time.
Going out for an outing with that friendly woman...without Alaskaboy.
Going through my old address books and emails, deleting all the people and situations I've grown out of and am able to let go. Feeling the end of some of those friendships all over again.
Standing up for myself in several confrontations.
Admitting when I've had enough and need a break.
Sending the first draft of my novel out to a few readers.
Discovering more memories of different instances of abuse; mental, emotional, and physical. And dealing with them.
Looking at myself and my life and struggling to find moments of true acceptance.


All this, and more that I don't wish to talk about on here, is happening because of intuitive eating...so, look at that list and tell me intuitive eating is easy.

If it was so easy, wouldn't YOU be throwing away your diets and your hopes for a magic, quick fix and diving head first on in?

Dieting Is Easier, Truly.

1 Nibbles:

Amanda said...

Too true.