Thursday, May 03, 2007

Who's a silly sausage?

I weighed in at the end of last month, and I thought I'd be really pleased with the number on the scale. It showed a gain of a mere 1.5lbs or 700 grams.
I was pleased... for all of a few hours.

Then it hit me. I wasn't pleased with the number I saw on the scale. The actual number had nothing to do with the pleasure I was feeling.

The number on the scale lies you see. It said I've gained only a little. But what does that mean really? All the scales can tell me is the gross weight of my body. Just like I was a packet of sausages you'd buy at the butchers. It doesn't tell me my “nutritional breakdown” ie how much fat, lean meat, water, fillers etc are within my casing. But, unlike that packet of sausages, I'm more than the sum of my parts.

Scales (mine at least) don't show that I've lost muscle tone and gained some fat over the last four weeks. My clothes and the mirror show me that.

The scale doesn't tell me how I'm progressing with my healthy lifestyle. The amount of time I spend doing activities other than binge eating or obsessing about food are a better gauge of that.

A set of scales has no clue about how much improvement I've made in learning to deal with the situations in my life, and my emotions about them. My family, friends and myself are the reflection of my emotional balance.

No, the pleasure I was feeling had nothing to do with the number I saw on the scales. It had everything to do with my lack of attachment to the aforementioned number. My pleasure was for the pride that I felt, because I am no longer controlled by my fear of what that number will say about me. That number doesn't dictate my actions. It doesn't dictate my moods.

That number is not the boss of me. I am.

There are times I choose to eat a little more than necessary, because I like the food I'm eating so much.
There are moments I choose to eat something, rather than deal with my emotions at that particular point in time. But, I do sit down eventually and deal with how I was feeling.

In the earlier half of the month I was cheating. I assumed that because I had acknowledged that I was scared, angry, fearful etc that I was done with those emotions. Acknowledging them isn't always enough. I have a full range of both positive and negative emotions. That's what makes me more than a sack of meat. And if I want to continue to be more than my organic compounds, I need to feel those emotions. Express them. Not hide behind an intellectual analysis of how I'm feeling.

Feel my emotions. Release them. Laughing, crying, shouting... these are all things that are easy to do when happy. But, to cry, shout, quiver, punch an inanimate object, or however you express yourself when angry, that's considered a lack of control.
Myself personally, I've come to consider it a better expression of control if those emotions can be expressed. Especially if it's in a constructive, rather than destructive way. Pressure needs to be released, else the system explodes. Many machines are built with safety valves in them. We have one too. Our emotions.

This month I've yelled at my husband, and he's yelled at me in turn. I've cried. I've thrown a ball against a wall, repeatedly. I've punched a pillow. I've cried some more. I've screamed wordlessly. I've laughed. I've hugged. I've tossed and turned. I've had really weird dreams. I've written things down, then erased them. I've talked to people. I've asked questions. I've taken my aggresion out on the food I was chopping.

I choose to let the steam out, rather than having it force its way out unexpectedly. Life is one continual change. I can choose how I react to that change. Do I turn to charcoal on one side because I refuse to move with events as they are? Or do I roll with the heat and end up cooked to perfection?

I like myself in one piece rather than exploded all over the place, thank ya verra much. Or overstuffed due to inattention. If I were a sausage, I've done the equivalent of sticking a fork in me before turning up the heat. Maybe I'm not such a silly saus' after all?

0 Nibbles: