Thursday, April 19, 2007

All you need is food?

Trying to live without comfort eating means I have to live with my emotions. And I don't much like my emotions at the moment. Which would explain why I've been noticing a tendency to eat more than I need at each meal I've eaten recently. I'm still sort of eating intuitively; I don't eat again until I'm hungry, but due to eating larger quantities at each sitting, that means I don't eat with any regularity. Same goes with exercise. So far this last month I've exercised maybe once a week.

I don't like this wishy washy feeling, and I certainly don't like that my body is losing tone and gaining fat. (I'm maintaining but there is a ratio change going on, I can feel it.) I loathe this uncertainty about our living situation. Sure, the landlady has agreed that we can move back in here once the renovations are finished, but that could be 3-6 or more months from now. Will we find month-to-month affordable housing? How much stuff should we be packing to take with us, and how much to put in storage? Will we be in shared accommodation or a studio/single apartment? Will we be back here in time to go to Australia? Are we better off buying a condo? Will we be able to afford to go to Aus if we do so? Can we really afford it anyway, if we're serious about saving for a house? Will the current landlord get off his arse and give us a rent referral? Will it be a good one?

Then, no matter what our living conditions will be there'll be interviews and looking for a part time job. I've been unemployed for five years. I think out of all of this stuff, this is right up there as one of the scariest prospects.

Not being able to drown my emotions behind the binging and subsequent moaning about my dieting failures and discomfort from too much food is forcing me to deal with my life.

I'm so proud of Mum for losing how much weight she has. For at long last being able to stop taking her blood pressure medications. And for how fit and happy she is now that she's discovered the healthy lifestyle that suits her and Dad.

Yet, I'm also insanely jealous of her for the exact same reasons.


I'm so happy that I've been given another chance to try out for an anthology. Proud that my writing caught the editor's eye enough that she was willing to give me a second chance.

But, scared as all shit that this'll be my last chance and that I'm gonna blow it. I love the story idea I've got, but I don't know if I'm up for the task.


Happy that we are finally getting down and dirty and clearing out the mountains of junk that are hidden in all the crooks and crannies. 11 yrs of his, and 4 yrs of my accumulated junk.

Completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. Again the uncertainty of the where we're moving to is not helping with this. I hate fiddle faddling. I like to think things through, make up my mind, then go to it. I LOATHE uncertainty.

And that is the crux of the matter. I'm feeling all alone, uncertain and scared. And bored. Yet, frenetic at the same time. And put upon. And whiny. And pms-ey.

I've been relentlessly trawlling the classifieds and craigslist, looking for places that are suitable, or even passable, but so far there's always been just that one or two things that are off. Time is wrong, price is wrong, parking is wrong, they only want one person, it's too far away, sharing, or they are 420 okay (apparently that's slang for grass use), the area's dangerous, they want minimum lease terms that are too long for us or maximum terms that are too short, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Last night I scrubbed the stove for hours. Managed to remove all the baked on gunk from even before we'd moved in!

In between I've been pacing the floor, dealing with other stuff, researching for both the story and for tasks that need to be done before and after moving out, researching which'd be the better option, buying or continuing to rent.

And my glorious escape mechanism no longer works. I've read a few short stories recently, and eaten bigger meals than I've wanted to, and each time there's been this little voice in my head. No. Not that one. Not the Low Self-Esteem Demon.

Not... the... LSED?

C'est impossible! (said with a very bad french accent)

Believe you me, it's all too possible.

Instead of the LSED urging me on to eat my troubles away, I have this eminently sensible voice telling me to take a break, eat the food or read the story and then when I'm finished to get right back into whatever I was doing. I've been trying my hardest to ignore it and go back to Food Coma Land, but it's not working.

I eat the big meal and then I just feel uncomfortable, and my emotions are still there, politely asking me to pay attention to them. The special effect has been revealed, and all the magic is gone. Food is just food, not a magic trick to make me feel better.

And I hate that.

With all that I've been doing and how I've been handling the situation, I feel like a fraud. I'm not an adult. I don't want to be grown up. I'm still waiting for a parental figure, or someone!, to come and rescue us. I'm muddling along in life and it's shocking to realise that just about everyone else is doing the same thing, muddling along as best they can. There is no perfection. Diets promise magic and perfection. But life isn't about perfect, it's about doing the best I can each and every moment. So, here I am, with PMS and my uncertainty, and my hopes, fears, dreams, and loves.

Worrying is okay. It doesn't cripple me anymore. I worry, I cry, I pick myself up and keep going.
Uncertainty is okay. It's a part of life.
Jealousy is okay. It doesn't consume me like it used to. I feel it, accept it, then move on, leaving it behind.
Whinging about the things I do only makes me feel ashamed once the whinge is over. I have so much in my life to be grateful for, and I am truly grateful. Sometimes my inner Veruca makes a break for it though. And that's okay too.

I don't really have a point to this post really other than to say I'm feeling uncertain and that the Magical Dietary Tour is finally over.

Oh, and that I miss yas all!

OH! And I just remembered. This week I did the Susan Powter Burn Fat and Get Fit workout... with the four inch step! I modified the shit out of the strength training and aerobics arm movements, but I did it with the four inch step. I felt useless and like shit when I had to modify, but then that sensible voice showed that it can be uplifting as well as annoying. It reminded me that I used to do the workout in the exact same way, and feel just as buggered...but on the flat floor!

I think I like this new sensible voice. It may not always be a barrel of laughs. But I'll take uplifting and thought provoking over comforting yet deceitful, every day of the week!

2 Nibbles:

Wanna_B_slim said...

Wel... I dont know what to say girl... I think you have said it all. I think you are trying to work out too much shit and it you need to prioritise for a bit just to let your mind settle. Good luck with your writing. And good luck with finding a place that will make you both happy. Maybe the clearing out of "junk" will give a fresh outlook on things..

Erin said...

Kada,

I can't tell you how glad I am to see posts from you again! I checked daily like a faithful beagle hound. Am sorry you are dealing with so much bs still but it sounds like you are making amazing emotional growth and I think you should believe in yourself and know that the physical growth will resume when you can handle that load again. I think we take on all that we can handle at once and sometimes, sometimes the mental labor is exhausting. BIG INTERNET HUG
Oh and three cheers for the four inch step!!!