Friday, March 02, 2007

Ennui is so dreary!

All day long I have been plotting inside my head the post I would write. It would contain much rejoicing over the fact that I did not binge last night when I was upset. I was in control, I felt my emotions and dealt with them, instead of reaching for food.

But, that would have been a lie.

You see, I didn't binge simply for the fact that I was not hungry. My hunger had been satisfied by the large serving of hummus and tortilla chips I'd had for my afternoon snack, and then the snack of choc raisins I'd eaten before attempting to head out shopping. My plan had been to eat dinner when I got home, if I was hungry. But I wasn't. Which also led me to thoughts of congratulating myself for not being hungry. Which again is defeating the whole purpose.

I didn't eat to a crisis therefore I'm a good girl?

No, I ate when I was hungry and didn't when I wasn't so therefore that makes me a good girl. I listened to my body.

Just like I listened to my need for comfort eating the last few days until I was ready to deal with what the issue really has been. At first I felt guilt at the comfort eating. Slipped back into my old ways of berating myself for being a fat useless and undisciplined slob. Lo and behold, all of a sudden I was extremely focused on the scales once more. I found myself searching the internet for miracle diets. I even went so far as looking up the Fat $mash Diet. I wanted the comfort that rules and regulations and the promise of those pounds dropping miraculously away. In rebellion at what I was feeling I ate and ate a little more than I wanted at each sitting.

This afternoon I was ready to confront my fears.

I talked honestly with the landlord and her daughter (she's the one who's buying the house), whilst they were here for the termite inspection, about our fears of having nowhere to go and our hopes that we could stay here, even if that meant our rent would go up. At least by telling them how I felt at least I'd know either way whether we had to prepare to move out, or whether we could stay. As it turns out, we can stay. That was one relief. But the other fear was still lingering.

Alaskaboy has made a new friend at work. An aussie friend. A female, gorgeous, blonde, aussie friend. (I know because I looked her up, in front of him, on the internet after he told me her name.) Very friendly looking she is too. Sounds delightful. He hasn't shut up about her for the last three weeks!

This weekend there's a birthday party for one of the guys from his work. At a bar. A slightly upscale bar. And this new friend of his invited us to go. Us, meaning both Alaskaboy and I.

Several times this week I've made tentative comments about her. What's she like? Where's she from? Are you sure I'm invited? (She insisted many times that he bring me) What do you gusy talk about? Sounds like you're having a ball reminiscing about Australia?

On and On and On.

At first I thought I was afraid of him having an affair. But deep down that didn't ring true. I know how much he loves me. I know he knows how sexy I am. So why the hell did I feel so threatened all of a sudden?

And then it hit me. I was jealous of her attentions to him. Not sexually jealous though. I was jealous that he was making a new acquaintance. A real life, face-to-face, acquaintance. I was worried about fitting in with this new clique at the bar on Saturday night. I was worried whether she'd like me or get along as well with me as she does with Alaskaboy. I am hoping to make a friend, but also scared of doing so as well.

Also very scared to go out. I feel sexy, but the clothes I currently have, no longer feel sexy on me. They're too big. I don't have any nice clothes that fit. No, lemme rephrase that. I don't have any sexy clothes. I want to look as sensational and comfortable on the outside as I feel on the inside. That's what's been behind my cleaning of the house this last few weeks. I'm no longer cluttered and hiding behind junk on the inside. So I won't do that in my house either. I'm proud of the home we have built together. And I'm proud of how I look and I want to see that pride reflected on the outer as well, by decorating it with flattering attire. I have breasts and curves and at long last I want to show them off. The dressier clothes and the smart-casual clothes I have are all either a little too big, so I look boxy, or a little too tight, so I look uncomfortable.

So, tomorrow morning I'm going to try on every single piece of clothing that catches my eye in the wardrobe, and if I find nothing I like, then I'm going shopping at an affordable place until I do find something!

We're going out for a great time, I want how good I feel to shine bright for all to see. But, especially for me to see.

We may not like each other. We may have a fabulous time and become life long friends. We may have a fabulous time, and never see each other again.

So be it.

Same applies for the writing group I've applied to join.

Same applies with any new people I meet. Or people I already know.

Fretting about the future only makes me upset. Living the best I can in each moment is all I can do. Well, that and learning to confront the real reasons I turn to food for comfort. This time it took me a week and a half to be ready to figure it out. Next time it may take me a day, a month, ten years. But, eating intuitively and no longer being afraid to feel me emotions is helping me to achieve the lifestyle I deserve. A happy and healthy one.

Two steps forward, one step back. That's fine, as long as you take the next two steps forward when you're ready. :)

In answer to Amanda's comment.”just when things are all nice and cozy, someone throws a spanner (or a for sale sign) in the works. “ I believe that it's for a very important reason. If we keep receiving similar spanners, then we're not ready to learn that particular lesson and keep receiving the chance to do so until we're ready to move past it.

Take this week for example. Many times in the past I've had parties to go to. I've gone, had a miserable time, made Alaskaboy miserable, and insisted on leaving early because I 'had a headache'. Sometimes it was true, I've reacted to the wine, or allergens in the air, or I was coming down with something. Other times it was because I was uncomfortable for some reason, and instead of dealing with it beforehand, I was pole-axed by it in the very middle of the situation. This time, instead of feeling inadequate or the myriad other things I've felt fearful of, I've confronted it beforehand. Lookit me taking that step foreward. And look there's another one. I confronted my fear of change, and asked the landlord whether we'd need to move out or not. If we did, then it was time to move on to bigger and better things. If not, the time was still ripe for saving money for when the time is right to move on. I didn't just stuff myself stupid in an attempt to hide from my fear. Other ways I could have hidden were by giving them dirty looks when they came through the inspection, but saying nothing, or by pretending that nothing was wrong, all sunshine and light.

That step backward turned out to be two very quick steps forward. Yay me. But even if it had still been a step backward, that's quite okay. Sometimes we need to step back to where it's safe before we get the confidence to move forward. I've been running lately and all of a sudden I was running too fast, my steps far too big and far too many at once. So I've slowed down to a more comfortable pace, but I'm still going forwards! And if I fumble the next hurdle, and have to retrace my steps and do it again, and again, and again, I know that in time I'll clear that hurdle when I'm able for it. Even world class hurdlers sometimes knock down hurdles during the Olympics. But, they get back out in that very next practice session, and review the tape until they know what went wrong, and they try and try and try again until they get past that moment and regain their confidence again.

Umm.. I kinda lost where I was going with that analogy. LOL

Ahh yes. Returning to a prior safe point to catch my breath is perfectly fine. When I'm ready, either through boredom or regained confidence, I'll eventually move on. Life would be impossible without growth and change after all.

11 Nibbles:

kathrynoh said...

It's always such a relief to work out why we are feeling crap - don't those problems so much easier when you identify them?

Have fun at the bar, I'm sure you really will shine :)

Erin said...

I updated with the name of the book, it's Body Clutter Love your Body Love yourself-almost done with it-been a very good read.
So good to read some posts from you again, I love your writing and how you think things out-helps me too because I identify with a lot of it. I hope you have a good time at the bar and look smashing!

lisa jane said...

Is it wrong for me to want to check out the pretty blonde aussie friend for myself?lol.I can imagine me doing the same thing in real life too ;)

You write with self-awareness, I love that!

Sandii said...


i'm going to tell you something... last year i started working with a great guy - GL will be how i refer to him. Anyway, i started talking about him alot, he is funny, he's a great support for me with my eating and exercise, he's also married (as of yesterday) and completely committed to his now wife. But my hubby got the same vibes that it sounds like you have gotten. We spent many hours discussing how my new friend made hte dynamics of our marriage feel different. he was the first male friend i had that wasn't in someway connected to hubby. the majority of my friends are male but all from Defence so he knows them all. there were times when there was no convincing him that GL was not a replacement. trust me, a friend is just that, a friend! especially considering they are both Aussies...

cheer up, you'll look hot no matter what you wear and you're a star for facing things head on!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey chick - I too have found myself searching for the miracle diet a few weeks ago - bloody hell we are dumb, hey???? PLEASE update and tell us what happened at the bar!!!!


PS - this is anon cause I couldn't be bothered signing in!

Kada said...

Oh hell yes, Kathryn! Once I understand what's wrong I can then work towards fixing it; or at least mitigating it.

Kada said...

Thanks, Erin. I always worry that what I've got to say isn't clear or that no one else will understand even if I can elucidate the scenario.

It's all too easy to think I'm all alone on this journey, but there's many who can not only sympathise but empathise as well.

Two days ago I finished reading When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, wow what an eye opener that was! I'll look and see if they've got body clutter at the loacl library. Thanks for the recommendation.

Kada said...

{grin} Not wrong at all. Although, going by his preferences I should be "worried" about short redheads, not leggy blondes. LOL

Kada said...

This time round I honestly don't think I felt threatened as a woman. I kow our relationship is secure. This feeling was jealousy, but so different from the other times I've been jealous of him interacting with other women that I was flabbergasted. It took me a long time to put my finger on just what was niggling at me.

Her leggy blondeness really had nothing to do with it, I was using it as an aid to add tension to the story. LOL A little literary sleight of hand if you will. ooh look leggy blonde! She must be worried about an affair. Nope, ha-ha, fooled you, it was really this! I honestly had no idea what she looked like until after I'd figured out why I was jealous.

It's me that is the Aussie. Alaskaboy was able to reminisce so well with her because he's spent time there and been to several different places.

I can sympathise with your hubby. You don't mean to feel threatened or jealous, it just happens. Must be frustrating from the other point of view though. How do you explain there's no cause to be jealous if whatever you say is discounted due to that green-eyed monster?

Kada said...

Dumb indeed, Cranky! Can only imagine how much it would have set back my progress if I'd tried it too!

I'm writing it, I'm writing it!

Kada said...

I'm gonna take piccies on friday too of the outfit I wore. Ran out of time to take them last week so will get dressed again, just so I have a record of how good I looked. ;) Due for new progress shots, so may as well do this at the same time.