Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Wind Of Change.

"The wind of change blows straight
Into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring
The freedom bell for peace of mind"

That song by The Scorpions was playing as I wrote this post, and I found those words highly appropriate.

This has been one scary weekend with the intuitive eating. Weekend, that's rich. Who'm I kidding? It's been going on all week! Each meal, each bite of food, this week has been a fight to let my body carry on doing what it felt was necessary, despite what my logical side had to say about what I was consuming. 2lbs of chocolate raisins. 2 lbs people, in the one week! Beef nearly every single day. Hardly any vegetables, lots of cheese and carbs, plus chicken nuggets by the boatload. Let's not forget the ginormous glasses of gatorade when I dehydrated myself during the night, because I'd been cold and thought it was a bright idea to chuck a polyester throw over the doona that already had on a flannelette cover. So dehydrated in fact I had leg cramps. (which I have had only once or twice before in my life.)

Waking up and swearing some mongrel's having a bit o' your calf for a midnight snack hurts like a sonofabitch, lemme tell you!

My beef fetish, I eventually figured out was also related once again to that godawful antibiotic I was on for the UTI. Apparently anaemia is also another of the side effects it's possible to have. My poor bod was trying to cram in as much iron as it could before my period started. I'd just assumed I'd been pale due to lack of sunlight over the last month or so. Bwahahahaha.

This morning I woke up feeling half-human, made myself a decent breakfast, and then proceeded to go cross-eyed from fatigue sitting at the computer not even half an hour later. I pondered some apple juice, or tea, or something to help me stay awake because I was wanting to do some housework today. But, then I debated with myself that here I was ignoring what my body was telling me because I thought I shouldn't be having a nap just because I was already showered and dressed for the day.

A three hour nap later and there I was fully human again.

Watching the scales go haywire, eating like I'm pregnant with octuplets, tired yet suffering from insomnia, manic mood swings, fits of creativity followed by bouts of thinking the world hates me – these and more are what I've been going through. I had honestly forgotten just how bad life was pre-B6 tablets.

You have no idea how proud I am that I was able to eat intuitively this week. That I watched the scale go haywire and said, “bugger it, I could care less what you say!” is an achievement heretofore imagined as impossible whilst suffering PMS. The fact that I not only started, but have continued, my exercise streak whilst in the midst of this must be grounds for some sort of masochistic medal of honour.

For those of you out there struggling with intuitive eating, please keep going. Your body knows better than you what it wants sometimes. I am disappointed that I am back up to 228lbs as of this morning, but after the month I've had I'm just glad that it stayed under 230lbs. When I've gone off the rails like this in previous years the gain has been anywhere from 10-25lbs before I've been able to rein myself back in and get back to healthier eating. Each time that has happened I've fought my body every step of the way, or given in wholeheartedly to the idea of mindless eating.

This time I knowingly let my body dictate what was what. Even when my stomach said it was pleasantly comfy and happy, but despite my every attempt to consciously stop it, my hand reached out and cut off yet another hunk of beef, or ate another half handful of choc-raisins, I let go and accepted there was more going on here than met the eye. Even last night when I would have thought I was over the insane eating since I'd been bleeding for 24 hrs, there was still lessons to be learnt. At 10pm when I finished doing my exercise, I wondered why I had the shakes really badly and could not get warm. Thinking back over what I'd eaten for the day, the light bulb went on pretty damn quick. I felt like I'd been eating all day, so assumed I'd had dinner already. That assumption plus the huge cup of tea (appetite suppressant anyone?) that I'd had mid afternoon to combat the period headache almost caused me to faint when working out. (oh and the intensely painful period cramps. Blech.) I was starving! So desperate for food was I that I didn't have the time to make anything nutritious, I went with leftover vegetarian pizza from the freezer. (which was balanced anyway. Bread, vegetables and a protein)
I suffered indigestion during the wee hours this morning for it, but it was worth it to not fall flat on my face.

Today I had beef and veg stew for dinner, and hot fudge sauce on strawbs for dessert. Despite believing I couldn't possibly have wanted more beef or chocolate, my body was quite happy to ingest some today. The difference being that today my normal appetite was back. I left some stew, and didn't finish all of my dessert because my body was satisfied in every way.

I feel like a new woman. It's like I've play a game of russian roulette with the Low Self Esteem Demon and said, “yeah? I see your bullet, and stick another one in the gun!” I've taken the worst pms I've had in over ten years, on top of just recovering from a UTI, and STILL continued with intuitive eating and regular exercise. Life happens. Pms comes and goes, but if I continue eating intuitively, exercising regularly, it won't matter if I gain a few pounds in water weight, because it will come off eventually.

This is not some diet that I have to stick at for the short term and congratulate myself for losing x-amount of weight. This is my body I'm nurturing and my life I'm living. Can you imagine how good that feels to know, and know deep down in my bones, that I'm my own harbour and can weather any storm winds that the LSED, my hormones or my own negativity care to whip up?

So go on, I dare you, ring your own freedom bell and get those winds of change blowing through to sweep away any self doubts about your ability to live a life as strong and healthy as you desire.

2 Nibbles:

c2s Hayley said...

Hark, I can hear Lisa Jane's voice of wisdom echoing through them thar hills...

Good on you for sticking with it through it all. Now i'm popping up to read the next post (see I was a good girl and followed instructions!)

Kada said...

Thanks, Hayls, it was hard, but I did it. (LOL at the following instructions comment)

Lisa Jane?
{hops on over to your blog and looks for a lisa jane in your blogroll}
Ahhh. Seems like another one who's sick of the bullshit associated with dieting!