Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Baby Elephant Walk.

Sometimes, being honest sucks! I wasn't going to weigh in this morning as I knew I would have a few pounds weighing me down because of bloating from the flights. Then I thought to myself, that if I didn't weigh in, in essence, it's cheating. It most certainly is not in keeping with my policy of being honest about how I'm doing on this weight loss journey. Every post can't be Yay Me! or all sunshine and roses now can it? That wouldn't be a journey, that'd be a trip down the garden path. And as we all know, losing weight is anything but a walk down the garden path or a stroll through the park. I came to this realisation after finishing my breakfast of a fried egg sandwich and a small cup of hot chocolate. This caused more waffling, but eventually I admitted it couldn't weigh more than a lb which would not be present for next week anyway, so there was nothing stopping me from getting on the scales.

So I stripped and got on the scales--After first standing on the metal bits with socks on to try and warm it up a little. (It's no more than 45F / 7C in the bathroom!) Still 6 lbs heavier than last week, even after all the peeing I've been doing!

Intellectually, I know why I'm at this weight.

Bloated from return flights on Friday.

Bloated from bladder infection.

Awoke every 45 minutes last night to pee...had a cup of water after every pee.

Awoke at 5:30am and stayed awake for over an hour babbling at Alaskaboy.

No exercise since Thursday, so no movement to help the bloating go away.

No exercise and lack of sleep for several nights, plus bloating, plus infection = 6 lb “gain” in four days. And yes, I use the term gain very loosely. Intellectually I know that it's impossible to gain that much fat in that time. Intellectually I know this “weight” will come off again, probably by the end of the month. Intellectually I know that these hiccups happen.

Emotionally? Oh-ho-ho, emotionally, I'm not so sanguine.

Last night I'd been all ready to reply positively to any comments received this morning. Take Elizabeth's comment on yesterday's post, “It must feel endless some days, and hard to commit to the baby steps. But you're looking great, and I'm in awe of your determination. KEEP IT UP!” I'd been going to say something nice and/or inspirational in reply and was definitely excited about a new reader, but I went and weighed in first. And lemme tell ya, this baby is sick of two steps forward and three or four back. Six backwards in the case of this morning!

I'm heartily fed up of losing the same five pounds over and over and OVER AGAIN!

Being fitter, stronger, leaner, healthier than I was this time last year, or even than I was before we went on holiday, doesn't change this morning's numbers on the damn scale! I was so excited getting on there this morning (after talking myself into it) thinking I'd have to have lost at least two lbs since Saturday morning's weigh in, with all the peeing I've been doing, instead I gained on top of the post-flight bloating! I don't dare try on any clothes either, not just because it's freezing, but because I know in this emotional state if they don't fit I'm going to cry, and then I'm going to go on a bender like you wouldn't believe. Even knowing that the bloating would be the direct cause of the clothes possibly not fitting, I just couldn't stomach it this morning. I couldn't.

Why not? I hear some of you thinking. There's still the possibility it will fit. But, the possibility of it not fitting far outweighs the chance it will, and I don't want to risk the chance of repeating last year. And so, we come to the crux of the matter. Last March, when we came back from our trip to Alaska, I had exercised my heart out, counted calories, the works, and still I gained 5 lbs at my first weigh in back. If you're getting a sense of déjà vu, you'd be absolutely correct, we have been here before. Went away to Nebraska, exercised my bum off (literally, in places), ate healthily, slept well, increased my weights for strength training, and I come back to a first weigh in of EXACTLY the same weight as the one from March last year.

226.5 lbs / 102.95 kgs. It was that very same weight plus the sense of utter futility which led to me weighing in at my heaviest ever, not quite four months after returning from that trip. I won't let it happen again. I can't. No way in hell am I going back to my unhealthy lifestyle. No way am I going to undo six months of hard work, sweat and, yes, tears. But, at the moment, I can feel myself trembling on the cusp, and that is why those pants are staying in the cupboard this week, maybe even for a couple more weeks. However long it takes for me to feel confident enough to try them on again, they'll stay just where they are.

I have my New Moon challenge starting on Thursday, yet this morning I want to tell it to sod off. I suck, I'm never going to get to my goal weight. Goal weight? AHAHAHA How's that for shits and giggles, dreaming of goal weight when I can't even break 100kg/220lbs?

I'm planning on doing some strength training today, with possibly a walk when it warms up this afternoon. (have to wear sunscreen and cover up in the middle of winter thanks to the antibiotics.. can't even go sit in the sun and read like I'd planned!) Really hoping that I can come back from the brink of irrevocably falling off the wagon, but I honestly just don't know any more. Sick of it. Sick and tired and fed up and pissed off and wanting to go stuff myself stupid. Thankfully the antibiotics have one thing going for them, they've inhibited my appetite. Oh the irony! If I eat too much I feel nauseous. So, all I can do is rant and rave and swear and complain, which really is a good thing, I guess. I'm feeling my emotions instead of eating them. And we all know I'd be eating as much as an elephant eats.

2 Nibbles:

Amanda said...

I think you're right, a lot of that gain is due to circumstances, some of which will right themselves in good time. I think the important thing is not to give up (I'm a good one to talk!), the longer you spend sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, the longer it'll be till you get to goal!

Kada said...

Yesterday I was almost ready to give up. I'm glad I took some extra time to think it through, else I'd've had to redo my blogs. LOL