Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Now go do, that voodoo, that you do, so well!

I did have it bad yesterday, didn't I? Reading back through this morning I am having trouble believing what I wrote in that post, but then a good night's sleep makes for a much more sane and coherent Kada. Lack of sleep, post-holiday blues, uncomfortable in my own skin due to bloating, cold and uncomfortable due to lack of steady heat, and discomfort from the bladder infection; all of these contributed in their own way to the slight meltdown. In amongst the overwrought histrionics I suffered through I believe there was little kernels of real fear which I was ignoring in favour of the more readily apparent causes that I just mentioned.

Last night, I read a person's blog post about their sister's dog passing away, and ended up sobbing uncontrollably in my chair. The words, “I want my Mummy.” were uttered several times. It was at that point that some clarity did start to return. I hadn't really cried yet for my great-aunt. Her and her husband's deaths within six months or so of each other has kindled fears for my grandmother's longevity. I'm afraid whether or not my Nan will still be my Nan when we go visit later this year or whether she'll be a slightly demented stranger or even if she'll be around at all. That thought cascaded into all the loved ones I'm missing and fears for the future. Adding to this, Alaskaboy went back to work yesterday so I was also all alone in the cold house feeling lonely, miserable, and missing everybody. Did I mention fighting off an infection? Today it's not so bleak. The house has warmed up a little and I'm adjusting to doing without central heating again. Even better, the antibiotics are starting to work. Sleep, glorious sleep, how I love you! And most importantly I let out some of my grief and fear instead of bottling it inside and the pressure has come down enough that I can once more see clearly.

The last three weeks or so I've been cruising along thinking I had things under control and that I didn't need to work at losing weight any more. I ate a little more here and there, even going so far as eating meals when I wasn't hungry. Social eating it really is insidious the way it creeps back into one's mentality. I do admit I didn't eat huge meals, just took enough to be polite. The point is I should have said I was full and left it at that. Even Alaskaboy's urgings of a second helping of popcorn I gave into just this weekend here at home. So how did I get from glowing at our friend's comment when she picked us up at the airport, “You look fabulous!” to running scared once more?

I can pinpoint the exact moment when it all started to go wrong. Looking down at my friend's scale that had slowly inched its way down from 222.5 over the previous ten days and lo and behold all of a sudden it said 219.5 lbs. Oh cool! But, that can't be right, I'm unable to get below 220lbs, was the very first thought that entered my mind. Followed closely by, I bet it's not right, will have to weigh when I get home and see, her scales probably weigh light anyway. And just like that I undercut the fact that I'd lost three lbs. Negated all my hard work. Put myself down. Reaffirmed my deep-seated belief that I'm a failure. Gave myself license to give up. Having sunk those seeds of doubt deep in my fertile psyche I promptly forgot what I'd just thought and ran out to tell Alaskaboy the joyful news. Yesterday, you were treated to the results of those seeds. I hadn't said a positive affirmation since, well I had, but I hadn't meant it, so I may as well not have said anything. Helplessly thralled once more under the influence of LSED's sweet voodoo magic, all too capably assisted by my own willing self of course.

The very next day I started getting the first inklings of bloating and the UTI. Coincidence? I think not. Especially once you know that according to Reiki teachings both bloating and UTI's are triggered in part by fear, self-denial and holding on to negative thoughts. Fear of letting go.. hmmm. Afraid of letting go of my supposed obstacle perhaps? Afraid of being successful at losing weight whilst on holidays? Afraid to come back to real life and continue on with losing weight and regaining good health. Afraid to come back to work. Let's get sick and wallow in self pity and negativity instead! This hand, people, watch this hand. Never you mind what the other hand is doing, watch the wand in this one. Low Self Esteem Demon prestidigitation at its very best. But guess what? This audience of one wised up before she was able to burst forth from her cage. HAHAH SUCKER! Turns out the wallow was GOOD for me. Yeah, that's right, it's LSED that's sulking today. {big grin}

Me? I'm saying positive affirmations left, right and centre. That intuitive eating stuff? Yep, I'm doing that too. I even went and tried on my 16W cargo shorts. I am sad to report that they no longer do up, the zip fails to meet by about an inch again. The good thing about that though is, when I tried them on it was obvious that it is indeed all bloating around my middle. All water retention makes for one squishy belly as opposed to fat which feels firmer. And this lil' chickadee had more squish than a bug under a sumo wrestler's foot.

Even if it was fat it doesn't matter because I have full faith in my ability to live a healthy life. And a healthy lifestyle equals a healthy body. Look out, I'm back and more determined than ever! That train is getting to its destination this year. In fact I get the feeling it's an express, Station 220lbs is gonna go by so fast it'll barely be a blip on the scale!

2 Nibbles:

Sandii said...

hey, it's all good! just get moving and all else follows! well, that's my motto considering i can't watch what i put in my mouth at the moment LOL

Kada said...

I was feeling well enough to attempt aerobics this morning. You lil' rippa!
You're right Sandii, I truly believe that's been my problem, apart from the UTI and post-flight bloat, no movement.