Saturday, January 20, 2007

Are You A Walker, Or A Talker?

Perhaps you're a bit of both? Most recently, I've been more of a talker. In fact, you could even say I've even been a bit of a hypocrite. Yeah, a hypocrite. Me! A painful thing to come to understand, really, but it's certainly the truth I've been living this last week and a half.

It hurt like blue blazes when on the phone with my mother yesterday her response to my reasoning as to why I'd gotten the UTI and bloating was something along the lines of, “Get over yourself. Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. I'm sick of having the same conversations over and again with you.” I blustered and fumbled a little before admitting she was right. There were other more supportive things said, but that hard truth got me right in the gut.

Today as I was making lunch, (after a session of positive affirmations this morning, in which I admitted I'd been talking very negative to myself for several weeks now and freed myself from the need to continue doing so,) I thought back to the New Year's Eve church sermon we'd attended whilst visiting our friend. Now, I'm not religious, so even though admitting the sermon was very good, and talking with Alaskaboy and our friend about just what it meant for them as Christians, I pretty much ignored the sermon thereafter. Well, tried to, it did keep cropping up in random conversation, that's how good the sermon was! LOL

Basically, the pastor demonstrated the difference between Speaking It and Living It, (aka Talking it and Walking it.) where in his sermon “It” was Christianity. The It in the case of this post is good health. Now, if someone talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk, that makes them a hypocrite. Why should anyone listen to them if all they do is talk bullshit? Walking the walk alone, without talking the talk, that's also bad. In his sermon he equated this with; living as a Christian is all well and good, but you also have to spread the gospel on the off chance you could save another soul.

For weight loss intents and purposes, that was what this blog is s'posed to be about. Talking the talk, not only to help me on my own journey, but on the off chance that it could help or inspire others to live healthily as well, and possibly lose weight in doing so. Talking about my walk as it were. However, I've been so caught up in talking, that I haven't been walking.

How? Well lemme explain some of my recent hypocrisies.

Publicly talking about how much I detest the scales, in general, and love using my clothes as a guide.
Privately still obsessing over the number 220lbs / 100kgs and placing some huge mystical barrier on them that I must somehow pass.

Publicly loving this blog and my blogroll, both for the readers I receive and the reading I do.
Privately obsessing over whether my writing's any good and wondering why more people don't comment. Even being slightly jealous of those who have larger readerships!

Publicly spouting off about how well I'm doing and how wonderful I'm feeling, with the occasional slip up.
Privately, my inner drama queen and LSED are loving the wallowing in the “why do I always fail?” mentality. And are secretly afraid that I'm almost ready to do away with them altogether.

Publicly saying that I've been feeling my emotions instead of eating them.
Privately suppressing my grief over my great-aunt's death and fears for the continued good health of my remaining family members. (and I include in this the four-legged ones also.)

Publicly impressed with how I'm intuitively eating most of the time.
Subconsciously trying to sabotage myself and discount my efforts. (The weird eating I've been doing lately has been antibiotic related, and I have been eating intuitively, even though I've been telling myself I couldn't possibly have been.)

Publicly admitting that I'm a writer.
Petrified for the last three and a half months to revise my completed first draft or write any thing new, because oh crap I'm one step closer to making the dream a reality.

Are you starting to get the drift, yet?

Now, the conversation with my mum yesterday and the sermon just over two and a half weeks ago on almost the exact same topic, plus various other things I've seen during that time featuring similar sentiments... Hmm, ya think there's the slight possibility I'm being sent a message? Yesterday afternoon I thought to myself, Self, perhaps the time has come to remove my fingers from my ears, stop humming loudly off-key, and start listening.

As I've been writing this it's helped me see that I'm not as much of a hypocrite as I'd feared. Sure I have been a little, but certainly nowhere near what I've done in the past. I am changing for the better, a little more each day. Yesterday, I not only talked through my fears and sadness with my mother, I also did a first pass revision of seven chapters and read for pleasure through the rest of Serenade. Last night I slept well. This morning I'm happy with what I see in the mirror once more, despite the only thing change since yesterday being my own outlook. In fact, the scales say I'm a pound heavier than yesterday. LOL

Yes, FB, I am loving my beautiful self again.

Sure I've had a few wobbles along the way, but so does everyone when they're learning to do more than one thing at once. Remember how scary driving a car used to be? I'm confronting my fears, shining a light on them, then working through the ones that don't just sheepishly disappear when they know I know they're lurking about. Some really aren't fears at all, they were just coat racks I was making into monsters within my own head. Look at me, I'm walking and talking at the same time. Gah, that makes me sound like a kid's toy. New Walk'n'Talk Kada, in stores now!

How about you? Are you a walker or a talker? I'm hoping that you're able to find the balance between the two.

2 Nibbles:

Erin said...

Hi Kada! I've been a lurker but have actually read all your posts. I found you right after I decided to stop dieting and try and eat intuitively and your journey made me feel like less of a lone ranger. Thanks for writing.

Kada said...

Hi Erin, and welcome, nice to meet you. :)

Other times that I'd tried to listen to my body, it was those feelings you mention of being a lone ranger (or perhaps a clueless cuckoo?) that led me to returning to my personal madness that is counting calories.
Got a bit of a lovely shock when I started this blog then found out there's others like me out there in the world.

I'm also finding the more regular Lint Harvests are working. They're like my emotional weigh in days rather than physical ones.