Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Wrapping Up 2006.

Now that the presents are all undressed from their pretty paper, it's time to wrap up 2006. I'm very pleased to report that this year has been a good'un. The last five years I have been heavier with each progressing year. During the middle months there would be brief moments of hope and coy flirtations with good health, but always by the time Christmas rolled around I was fatter and more miserable than the year before.* New Year's Eve? I was about as much fun as a dirty dishrag. Depression, denial and self-hatred tend to do that to a person. Though I faked it as best I could, looking back I think I was only fooling myself.

I clearly remember sorting through my wardrobe last year, heartsick that all those gorgeous clothes that we'd purchased just six weeks prior had no hope of fitting. Not through any fault of my own, I had continued to lose weight whilst dealing with my strained groin, but that didn't ease my sorrow at not being able to wear the lovely outfits I'd been so excited about. The 18W jeans I could wear, but none of the pretty skirts and certainly not the 16Ws. I was angry too. If only I hadn't strained my groin, they would have fit quite nicely. I was fed up of making do with what I had in my wardrobe. I wanted to feel pretty and feminine and wear what I desired to wear.

Selecting the old faithfuls and giving them to Alaskaboy to pack I couldn't even be bothered planning combos, just went with what I knew worked. Yes, they were nice in their own way, but I'd chosen those other clothes to wear and now I couldn't. Part of the reason I was so focused on the clothing issue was so that I didn't have to deal with the fact that we would be seeing our newest niece for the first time, and the cousin that the girls should also have been meeting would not be present. Easier to deal with a cranky groin and ill-fitting clothes than empty arms. Easier to deal with materialistic things than my relief that I still had the chance to get fit before trying again to fill our arms. Angry that the strained groin had put a kink in that chance. This year I've come to understand that it really was a blessing in disguise. Neither Alaskaboy nor I were ready. Emotionally, we mostly were, but in every other way that counts, nu-uh!

The first half of this year saw me floundering around doing everything in my power to show Alaskaboy and those around me just how useless, ugly and horrible I truly am. A last ditch effort as it were. There was also a lot of soul searching, trying to get to the bottom of “Why does something always happen to sabotage me every time I try and lose weight?” Eventually even I got sick of myself and realised something had to give. For once, it wasn't me. I stood firm and told my eating problems and low self esteem that it was them who would be hittin' the frog'n'toad this time around, along with everyone else who told me what I should be doing in regards to my own diet. More navel gazing followed that, along with a gradual increase in exercise. Years of yo-yo dieting and inconsistent splurges of exercise will play havoc with a girl's fitness levels. Thanks to slightly more regular efforts at exercise than in years prior I was able to soon get into the habit once more.

The weight started to drop off, but plateaued when I settled down to the serious business of finishing the rough draft of my first novel. (The fact that my exercise had slipped back to occuring only in sporadic bursts had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope, nu-uh, nothin'! Truly! ... okaaay, maybe that's a little white fib.) Kind of a shock to realise the end date for the writing challenge you set is actually a month earlier than you'd thought; start of October, not the end! But, boy what an inspiration. Now I know why authors have deadlines, else they'd endlessly fuss and fret and never complete a thing. Lol

Having completed that, I embarked on a twelve week long exercise streak. (I blame my exhausted brain for even thinking of something so insane!) The early rewards every few days definitely helped keep me motivated, and then as it evened out to once a week I was surprised to discover this exercise stuff was becoming a habit. I felt a bit like a kid, a corny kid at that, printing out my reward list and crossing off each as I came to it, as well as a calendar where I circled every successful day. But you know what? It worked. Every evening Alaskaboy came home and I'd show him another successful day done, and I felt great! Oh, there were times when I felt like quitting, so I'd do a slow stroll and some very easy yoga for those days. I was certainly ensuring I got “rest” days in amongst the extremely active days. No strained anything was allowed this year!

All of a sudden, (HA!) my clothes were fitting better, I had more energy, my confidence levels went through the roof and I was definitely much more pleasant to be around. Even when working through more stuff as the year progressed, I talked about them, instead of whining about how hard it is and how easy it is for everyone else. Or how lucky they are to be losing weight, oh how I've always hated that jealous and lazy statement, even as I was saying it all those numerous times. We all know it, “So and So's so lucky, I wish I could be losing weight like they are!” Well, guess what, so and so was probably working their arse off too, I just didn't want to DO what was necessary. Eating healthy, exercising regularly and drinking enough water. Wallowing was so much easier and more fun. No responsibility for my own personal growth that way, blaming everyone else for what I put in my own mouth. What was I? A pig at the slops trough? Oink, Oink. Easy to agree with society, I'm lazy, stupid and horrible, so I'm fat! I can't help it.

{snort}Yeah, right!

Oh, wait? Yes, I can. All those times I'd sneered at successful weight loss stories when they so blithely stated, “This time I really wanted to lose weight, and something just clicked inside.” I take it all back! It really does come down to something inside that finally stands up and says, enough is enough. A refusal to accept your own slavery to food and negativity any longer. That's not to say that every day comes up smelling like roses and that my shit no longer stinks. It just means that each day I wake up ready to try the best I can. To be loving to myself as well as to others. To eat what my body is in need of today. To exercise and strengthen my brain, muscles and cardiovascular system. To increase my flexibility; both in regards to my life as well as my muscles.

Obesity is such a rigid way of life. No room for anything except an obsession with food and hiding from whatever the real problem is that I was subsuming with all those extra calories. Well, I can't do the splits yet, but I'm working on it. With pretty skirts, positive affirmations, personal evaluations and a pig-headed desire to go “Whee, Whee, Whee,” all the way to a happy and healthy body.

As I was thinking of how to finish this, I thought to myself, considering all these piggy references, wouldn't it be funny if 2007 is the year of the pig. Wait, when IS the next year of the pig? And so I went and looked it up.

Guess what? 2007 is the year of the pig.

So, this lil' piglet is planning on, during her 2007 summary, being able to look in the mirror and say, “That'll do, Pig, that'll do.”

*I must mention that the 2004-2005 year is a bit of sleight of hand though. I was at 99kg in late November when we left to go to Australia for a 4 week holiday, but I was a good 5 kgs heavier by the time Christmas day rolled around. Well, I estimate so, since I was weighing on different scales. So, in essence from December to December I probably maintained or lost a little. But, going by my own scales from November to November, 2005 was once again heavier.

4 Nibbles:

kathrynoh said...

What a great year. Hope 2007 is even better :)

Kada said...

Thanks. I do too! ;)

c2s Hayley said...

That WILL do! I am so glad you chose to share this story. It's always so inspiring to read when it has just 'clicked' for someone, and your results are proof positive that you've made that connection.

I really relate to your realisation about not being ready for a family, it's strange how life works out isn't it?

I thought I was ready for a family, and my weight wasn't really a huge issue for me before that, but now that I have kids my weight is more of an issue to me than it's ever been. Something about setting an example to them, I spose. And maybe being a little more honest with myself than I have been in the past?

I really have a feeling that 2007 is going to be a great year for so many of us!

Keep on keepin' on, Kada!

When do we get to read this novel? Hopefully 2007 is also the year of your first(?) published work?

Kada said...

Funny, I still get inspired by other people's 'connection' posts. It's fascinating to see how they went about it, and to pick up different hints and things that I haven't thought of yet. (And there's a lot of those!) Even the ones who are struggling are inspiring. Their hope and determination to kepe going despite whatever crap may be going on in their lives is wonderful.

Yeah, it is. Growing up, I would have sworn I'd be pregnant within 1-2 years of being married. I wanted to have all my kids by the time I was thirty. LOL Didn't work out that way though.

That's just one of the myriad things I worry about for when we have kids. Sure it's "easier" to lose weight now whilst it's only me and Alaskaboy to care for, what happens when any ME or US time disappears out the window once we have kids. It'll be a whole new level or (dis)organisation and schedule juggling trying to fit in my exercise. Can I practice what I preach when I have little ones to care for? I just don't know. I really applaud Moms and Dads (of any age kids) and also full time workers who lose weight. I remember how hard it was to get motivated to do exercise when completely knackered.

Being honest with yourself, that's a hard'un but so essential to being a healthy weight. I was great at kidding myself I was eating enough fruits and veggies and the right amount of carbs and exercise.

Yay, 2007 is here. How's it going so far?

The novel? If I'm successful with my first submission to the first publisher (ok, you can stop laughing now, I know the odds are astronomical!) It's probably be at least 24-30 months after the submission date before it was published. So, a fair wait yet.
Short stories could have a chance of being published this year. So keep your fingers crossed for that one ;)