Why Do You See Right Through Me?

I had my mp3 playlist on random today as I was gearing up to do some writing. Sometimes I know what I want to listen to, and sometimes I haven't the faintest. Today, I sat and listened in shock as my theme song came on the player ... and I realised that it no longer applied to me. It is still a powerfully poignant song, but it no longer has the power to take my breathe away with how deeply it resonates within me.

I can still remember the first time I heard it. I was waiting for my boyfriend to come on-line as per usual at that point in time, and I was feeling particularly petrified that when he came to visit in a few months that he'd see the weight I'd put on since I'd seen him not even six months prior, and run screaming back through security.

That song came on the radio, and thankfully no one else was home. It tore through my soul and left me in tatters. Kasey had put her hand to the very heart of my every darkest fear and shone a 10K watt light upon them. I had nowhere to hide from myself... and was rapidly coming to realise I had nowhere to hide from Alaskaboy. He saw right through to the heart of me. He still does to this day. (Yes, I understand that she is talking about seeing right through a person as if they don't actually exist, I was afraid he'd do that to me, instead he saw right through me in another way completely. ) That song had gone to number one, so you can imagine how often I heard it over the next few months. I even found an mp3 of it and sent it to Alaskaboy. His only answer? “I love you.” And since the man is honest, sometimes painfully so, I eventually had to realise he was indeed telling the truth.

But, even until this time last year the song had the power to move me to tears, every single time I heard it. I guess I really was still looking right through me, not in to me!

Here are the lyrics; which aren't half as potent without the music. So go here if you wish to hear/see it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbqQIvHzovI)

Artist: Kasey Chambers
Song Title: Not Pretty Enough
From Album: Barricades & Brickwalls

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me

This morning it hit me like a freight train – I am too pretty enough! I finally have the same answer that Alaskaboy had all those years ago. I can see right through to the heart of me, and I am at peace with the woman that resides there. I even love her. All of her.

This is such a weird feeling. So long have I fought against what I see in the mirror and what I perceive to be within me. The epic battles to be more than I am have raged down through the years and left devastation in their wake. My main enemies have been Fear, Self Hatred, Jealousy, and of course the ringleader, my nemesis, Low Self Esteem Demon. My soldiers have milled about flailing through ever-increasingly desperate skirmishes and they never seemed to gain any ground. In fact, no matter how many supporting armies my loved ones mustered on the field, there was no forward push of any kind.

Self-Love and Respect worked their way through the ranks until they were able to reach positions of command. All of a sudden I was winning battles left, right and centre. The commanders of my supporting armies were no longer speaking in tongues, I could understand their battle plans with stunning clarity. Slowly and sneakily there has come onto the field a new presence. This morning I blinked and saw for the first time the results of my new commanding officer, Acceptance. It's a rout people. A complete and utter rout of the enemy! I'm sure like any civil war that there will be ambushes in the future as the conquered foe seek to regain their lost glory, but as long as I honour Acceptance, Love and Respect, then I figure I should have a long happy reign ahead of me. Love Live Kada, Queen of Herself.

Such a simple thing I've come to truly understand: I am, and always have been, Enough.