Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Take The Pressure Down.

Brushing my teeth this morning after eating breakfast, I glanced in the mirror and was frightened by the stranger with desperation in her eyes, and the angry furrow in her forehead. It was official I'd taken the first few steps back down that slippery slope, and I hated the way it made me feel. My face was reflecting the inner pressure, and if I didn't cut it off soon the rising storm would be an absolute horror. I've seen this maelstrom and its aftermath too many times to stand idly by and let it occur again.

So as Farnsey advises, it's time to take the pressure down. But first, let's backtrack down the path I've taken to arrive in this here lonely town. Be buggered if I'll be trapped like a prisoner, so here I am taking hold of my wheels and turning them around.

Right round baby, I'll spin you right round. My head that is. It's spinning from the sheer amount of sabotage I've committed over the past few days.

“Exhibit A your honour, I show for your perusal, meal upon meal of salty foods. Exhibit B: Lack of adequate hydration. And finally, C: Complete disdain for the stomach's desires. An open and shut case of Gluttony, your honour.”

“Objection! Exaggeration.”


“Fine, how about Avarice and Pride, then? Smug in the belief that she has complete control over this eating thing she blithely went ahead and allowed herself the extra bits on her plate, even after she was full, because it tasted so good. And sloth! It was easier to eat the food than get up and put it in the bin, or wrap it up in the fridge for later. Easier to eat the pizza slices than to take the time to see what she was really hungry for. Easier to shove the extra salami sandwich in her face than admit she was bored and lonely last night. Easier to clean the house than admit she's afraid to get on with the revising. Sinful wretch, she has to be held accountable for her own crimes.”

“The defense calls our first and only witness, your honour. “

“Low Self Esteem Demon, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“I do.”

“Then, if you would, summarise the actions you've taken over the last few days.”

"Well, last week when she weighed in at 222 lbs for the second week in a row, she asked my opinion, as always. I told her quite truthfully that a maintain after losing 4 lbs the week before was actually quite an accomplishment. For some reason she neglected to lock me up as tight as she has done for the past several months, so I took it as a blatant invitation to whisper further words of wisdom. Just a little encouragement here and there each day is considered the best way to change behaviours in the long run. She took my urgings the wrong way at first. She bought pizza, cooked it and sensibly cut it into serving portions and froze it. But I did manage to get her to leave some in the fridge in case she was hungry."

“So, it was there every single time she opened the fridge when she was hungry?”

“Yup. Prime position. Bread, meat, vegetables. A balanced meal. No need to think about anything, it was all there. Easy to eat, especially since she didn't do veggie shopping til Sunday. After that it was easy to encourage her to eat a little more at every sitting. Another slice, because it had been reheated once already and shouldn't have been put back in the fridge; the remaining ¼ of a bowlful of chicken and rice. She did ignore my repeated urgings for ice cream, even when I hinted to Alaskaboy to offer some when he dished it out to go with his madeira, but I got her to cram half a bag of pita chips in by the end of the evening. Best bit, she wasn't even hungry.

Then this morning, the bitch dared to argue back with me! Even after I'd gotten her to step on the scales two days in a row and show her how much love I've been giving her the last few days. Just to show her how hopeless this is, silly bitch didn't take the hint about how useless she is. She got angry. Anger's good though, I can use that, it means more self-berating and eventually more binging. Bring on the love!”

“The arguing? Let's continue with that.”

“I couldn't believe it. Hadn't she been listening to a word I'd said? She went with the chicken and rice she really wanted for breakfast, rather than the eggs, waffles, sausage, milk, and fruit I urged her to have. And, she stopped when she was full. Well, she took one more bite of chicken and one spoonful of rice, but there was still at least half a cup of it left in the bowl. . . and she threw it away! What about all those starving children, homeless people, and people who are too poor to feed themselves?”

“What do they have to do with a half cup of rice left in her bowl?”

“I, I . . . Wasteful, that's what it is! She should have eaten it all up. I love her! I made sure she put that extra bit of rice in the bowl so she'd have the energy to exercise today and grow strong.”

"So, you admit that you have been adding things, unbeknownst to her, to her meals? That you've willfully encouraged her to do wrong, and led her astray from where she desires to be.”

“She desires to be fat. It's safe. She needs me to make sure she eats what is good for her. She doesn't deserve good health, she had it and threw it away like something that the cat had dragged in. She's a fat lump and without me to protect her she will get nowhere. I keep her safe from all things scary and unknown. She's not an author! She'll never amount to anything, so it's better to stay here with me, the odds are too astronomical. Better to never try and say oh well, it wasn't meant to be than to actually set herself up for hurt and rejection again. She knows all this, but for some reason she'd forgotten lately, so I reminded her for her own good.”

“Did you ask her whether she wanted your advice?”

“She always listens to me. I'm the only voice of reason she's got!”

“Did you ASK her?”

“Why the fuck would I do that? She doesn't have an opinion that I don't veto first.”

“So, you're the one who ordered her to commit these crimes against good health?”

“Shit yeah!”

“Defense rests, your honour.”

Can you believe it? I let the bitch out on good behaviour, and this is what she does to me! She'd been the High Self Esteem Demon for the last month or so, and naturally I believed that she was a changed woman. I took her advice, and this is where it got me. Bloated, unhappy with myself, and obsessing over that damn number again.

Well, guess what? I'm not going to weigh myself until the end of the month! 16 days without weighing myself, am I nuts!? Maybe, probably, but I figure that two weeks is enough time to get closer to, or below, that damn number, so I'll try again then. My clothes are fitting better, I can visually see the improvements. So screw the scales, AND the LSED, they can both be locked up together.

I'm not a number on a scale, I'm me.

Shit, this is scary. What if I put on more because I'm not being accountable every week?

{has visions of lightbulbs dancing in my head. Scampers off to the bedroom.}

<>You know what? I just went and tried on a skirt I bought last month. It's a szie 18. Yes, you read that correctly, a real size 18, not an 18W from the plus section. In fact this was bought from the other section, the “regular” section. Two weeks ago when I bought it went up over the hips, but the zipper wouldn't close, no matter how I twisted and turned and tugged. Just now, it did up.

Sure it's riding high and the zipper is puckered. But that's neither here nor there. It did up where it wouldn't just two weeks ago. So, I'm not gonna weigh again until that skirt fits properly. Or Christmas morning, whichever comes first. I'm hoping it'll be the skirt that wins! :D

Let's bid goodbye to LSED and her accomplice, Mr Scale, as they go away for a stint in protective custody!

Ding Dong the witch is dead!

I had planned on ending this with a Doris Day song, but somehow the munchkins seem to be the more appropriate soundtrack for the mood I'm in.

I guess it really is Que, Sera, Sera. LOL

18 Nibbles:

c2s Hayley said...

Great post, Kada. Lets hope we can ALL slay those demons!

Kada said...

{strikes heroic pose} Kada DemonSlayer, at your service!

Guilty said...

Here, here! Maybe that song should be Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps?

Kada said...

Maybe I should have listened to Whitney all those years ago. ;)

"I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all"

kathrynoh said...

Good luck with the skirt and with the demon slaying. It's so easy to give in but you just gotta keep fighting :)

Wanna_B_slim said...

You'll be slipping that skirt on and struggling to keep it up in no time at all.... love the posting... needed a laugh...

Marshmallow said...

What a post! Love love LOVE it! It had me cackling in my seat and other people in the room thought I was going nuts. It deserves linkage!

Amanda said...

sheer brilliance! fantastic post, good luck with the skirt, you WILL get there. Lock up the demons and throw away the key

J.W. said...

You are an amazing writer Kada! :) Love to read your stuff - J.W.

Kada said...

You're right, Kathryn.

I had a bit of a binge on reading Tuesday night. Was up till 5am. But, I had an actual meal when I was hungry in the wee hours, instead of snacking on stuff. Also made sure I got up after 7 hrs, so I'd be ready to go to bed the following night. Other reading binges it's been cycles of days or even weeks.
Allowed the binge to sucker punch ne, then just picked myself back up from the mat and continued on with the fight. Wasn't even a TKO. HAH!

Kada said...

{tips hat} Glad to oblige, Wanna.

I hope I get to wear the skirt ot a few places before it starts falling down.

How much you wanna bet the op shop is gonna love by the end of next year! lol

Kada said...

{big grin from ear to ear} Thanks, Marshmallow!

Kada said...

Brilliance? How did you know they were 100 watt lightbulbs?! LOL

Thanks, Amanda.

Throwing the key away doesn't work, I have my suspicions it was bred from boomerang stock. So, I'm gonna try melting it down this time.

Kada said...


{hugs} Lovely to see you here. Thought you might like this one.

FAT BITCH said...

Hi Kada :)

You have it all!!!!!!!! wit, humor and intelligence. Put it all together and we have a fabulous package full of your wonderful gift for writing.

Oh I so enjoyed this post of yours!!!!!!!!!

Because I was laughing so much this post chased the bad taste of dieting right out of my most of the time chewing mouth. :D

I thank you for this entertainment and of course I have to add you to my list of blog links.

Keep on believing in yourself, do you hear me? You've lost 16 pounds and that is nothing to sneeze at!!!! ;) HUG

FAT BITCH said...

Hi Again Kada :)

I forgot to mention that I need to thank Marshmallow (Raina) for leading me to you.

Kada said...

G'day FB,

Glad you enjoyed it. :)

Hmm.. I'm mouthwash for fellow dieters! I wonder if Listerine'd be willing to make a groovy purple on in my honour? lol

Thanks! I will keep believing myself, just like I hope all you will do so too. There are days when it's not so strong, but as long as we keep picking ourselves back up off the mat we should be fine.

If it takes me a few years, or six ;), to get there, then so what?
Hare's tend to end up with the saggy baggy skin, so I'm happy to be a turtle, slow and steady. Cowabunga dudes!

Kada said...

Thanks for adding me to your links section, and that was so cool(!) of Raina to post about me like that. I admit, I blushed. And then had a stupid grin on my face for several hours afterwards. lol