Saturday, October 07, 2006

A little something from 28th April 2006

This was something I posted on the weight loss support forum I'm a member of. (keeping it the same, errors and all, since it was a freeform monologue.)

***

Yesterday I was at a book shop, ostensibly to do some writing, but I've since come to realise I was there for a very different reason.

After writing for awhile I got fed up with feeling cramped at the little table available in the cafe and wanting to see if some books were on the shelves yet from my favourite authors I went for a browse.
First the Science Fiction section, then the Writing section to look for some books on helping with world building, but ended up picking up a book about having the courage to write. At that point I just disengaged my brain and decided to wander through the bookshop and see where it would lead me. Looked for a dream journal, but they were too expensive, looked at pre-pregnancy eating for good health -- no such book to be found.

Wandered on through a couple more different sections and then I ended up in the selfhelp section. I normally avoid this section like the plague since I find there's SO much to look at and so many conflicting theories that i just edge away. And as far as I know my life is healthy and well-balanced, except for the overeating, and every book I've come across on that subject so far deals with binge eating which is something i don't really do. At least not to the degree they're dealing with in all the books I'd found to date. I'd never found a book that dealt with what I knew to be my problem: emotional overeating.

That is, until yesterday.

The title is "Losing Your Pounds Of Pain" and it's written by Doreen Virtue.

This book explains the link between past or present pain, abuse, stress, whatever that you've never dealt with and how overeating is an attempt to sublimate the pain in food.
At first I was hesitant to buy the book because I thought it would be about recovering from sexual,drug or childhood abuse. But, the more I flicked through it, the more I realised that not all she talks about are examples of that, but also emotional abuse or neglect. Some of the cases she talks about dealing with neglect or emotional abuse from parents or spouses, i came to realise i had experienced from my so called friends. And to make matters worse had then spent many years reinforcing with myself.

I began to realise that I HAD suffered abuse. Emotional abuse, not from my parents, but from friends at school and the first serious boyfriend I'd ever had, plus friendship breakups as an adult.
This pain I thought I had dealt with, but no, i have not. At least, not fully anyway.
Until now I had lanced the wounds enough to allow happiness and loving relationships to occur, I'd learned from the lessons i was taught, but I've never really sat down and dealt with my own feelings of betrayal and anger resulting from those relationships. I got some therapy when dealing with my ex and dealt with a lot of the issues of that bad breakup, but i never dealt with my own feelings of worthlessness stemming from so many relationship failures, both sexual and platonic. Never dealt with my fear of not being good enough. My fear that if I lost weight and got "sexy" that if my husband left me it would have to be my fault. My ex left when I was fit and healthy and I still hadn't been good enough, so my husband and friends will have to love me "as I am" else they won't really love me.

So much hate and pain and fear that Ive been holding onto that I'm making my body ill with it.

I'm only up to chapter four, but I can already feel long ignored bits of me standing up and saying Woohoo! we're FINALLY gonna deal with this properly.

I'm really looking forward to finally relieving myself of the baggage, and then the excess poundage caused by that negativity I've been lugging around.

The reason I'm sharing this revelation is that I hoping someone else will find it as useful and as enlightening (pun intended) as I am.

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