Saturday, October 07, 2006

3rd Sept 2004.

It’s times like these that I really don’t understand myself.
.. Or maybe for the first time i do!

I have been dreaming on and off over the past few weeks about my boyfriend from highschool, J. Along with a host of friends from my past.

I’ve woken up some mornings horrified by dreams of being married to J, or being forced to choose between Hubby and J. One point a few weeks ago I woke up, repeating emphatically to myself, “*Hubby* is my husband, *Hubby* is my husband!”

It wasn’t until this morning after a dream with even more than the usual amount of clarity than I normally have, that I realised what’s been happening. My subconscious has been answering the questions I asked myself about a month ago. “Why will I lose a few kilos and then sabotage myself? Why can’t I lose weight, even with the best motivation in the world? And finally I got to.. Why am I scared to lose weight?”

The answer is quite simple. Fear.

Easygoing me, afraid! Of what?

Many things.

Fear of not listening to that little voice in the back of my head. Fear that my friends and family may be right. Fear to admit that I’ve been lying to myself all these years. Fear of finally having to be responsible for my own emotional health.

But most of all, afraid to admit that the negative self image I’ve had ever since I was a young teenager, is NOT the true picture of myself.

The reason I don’t understand myself at the moment is WHY the hell would I willingly choose to hang on to so much emotional baggage? Especially to the detriment of my relationship with my husband! Would you believe that a few months ago I was almost to the point of believing Hubby, was having an affair. Hubby, of all people?!
All because I’m still hanging on to the doubts caused by bad relationship break ups in the past.. Nearly 10 years ago!!

These dreams have helped me realise that I’ve been putting on weight, cutting my hair really short, acting like a total bitch to Hubby on a number of occasions. In essence making myself as unattractive as I can.. All just to test the poor guy!

“J cheated on me, so that means he will” whispered the little voice in my head.

No matter how screwy I get, or how fat I get. Hubby still continues to love me. How shallow have I (and that little voice) been, assuming that love is only based on skin deep values? Hubby loves me, all of me! Fat, thin, depressed, happy, crazy, whatever.

It’s hard to wake up with the realisation that you can no longer blame the past for your actions, but it’s yourself that’s been perpetuating your own mental anguish. Yes, I found J in bed with another girl. I’d had clues before that he was cheating, but I hadn’t been strong enough to actually leave him. I had enjoyed the drama of it all. (Yes, I was a drama queen. Weren’t we all though?)
Quite patently, the little self esteem demon in the back of my head was still enjoying the drama, up until this morning.
Yes, I picked bad friends for a number of years after that breakup and they all ended badly too.
The result of those breakups was the reinforcement of my own negative self image. All these years I’d thought I was a bad friend, a loser. Good for nothing!

Why? Because it’s easy to be average. It’s easy to blame the friendships for breaking up. Instead of admitting to myself that I picked friends because it was easier to fix their problems, instead of my own.

Easy to be average and dumb myself down, to go with the flow at highschool. Rather than be strong and stand up and say “Fuck you, bitches. I’m smarter than you, and I don’t need your friendship.” (Hindsight is a wonderful thing, no?)

Easy to say “I’m no good” Rather than put in the hard work to refine the natural talents I have and actually make a real go of being an author.

Easy to blame l.a. people for being unfriendly, when it’s my own shyness and fear of rejection that’s preventing me from going out and joining a sports or book club or something to make local friends.

Easy to stuff myself to death. Instead of admitting I’m hiding behind the fat and using that as an excuse for things that have gone wrong in my life. Insane concept I know, but who said emotions and paranoias were logical!

So now that I’ve had this moment of epiphany, how do I move on from it? 10 years of bad eating habits, and at least 20 years of negative self esteem and little to no self respect is a hard thing to overcome.
Hard is something I’ve never been good at. Everything came easy as a kid. Sports, School, Friendships. I hit puberty, and all of a sudden things weren’t easy or clear cut anymore and I didn’t know how to handle it. I had a woman’s body at 12 years old. A classic hourglass figure. That does strange things to a girl’s head, let me tell you. Especially when all of her friends look like Twiggy, and the girl in question had been a gymnast up until that point.
All the sex education books in the world didn’t help with the emotional impact of maturing so early.
The only reason I bring that aspect up is so that I can adequately explain the way my subconscious has worked for the past ten years. I think deep down even though I felt fat and ugly, I knew I was pretty. Else why would my reasoning be, “well thin didn’t get me happiness, let’s see how fat goes!” That was my moment of epiphany this morning. I have been using being overweight as an excuse to not have to put in 100% to anything I do.

I’m not really fat, I’m not really lazy, I’ve just been using them as an excuse to plod through life without any responsibility for my own emotional bullshit.
“J cheated on me because I’d put on a stone.” No J cheated on me because he was a teenaged male who wasn’t emotionally ready for the things I expected of him, and the relationship wasn’t a healthy one anyway.
“Hubby wont/can’t love me because I’m fat” Hubby got to know ME as a person before ever meeting me. He was also a grounded enough person to go against his prior expectations of what the woman of his dreams would look like. Fat to him doesn’t matter. He loves the whole of ME. (I know babe, you keep saying that, it’s only taken me till today to understand what you meant. I kept adding qualifiers to that statement within my own mind)

It’s hard to wake up and realise you’ve been pretty shallow for the previous decade of your life, and yet despite all that you’ve managed to score some truly wonderful friends and an amazing husband. And that you’re family is still talking to you even after all the crap you put them through.

It’s hard to wake up and realise some of the things I was yelling at a friend to change, I was guilty of as well.

It’s gonna be hard to shed so many years of self conditioning. I guess i can only do it one step at a time.

With perseverance and patience.

Two virtues I am NOT good at! LOL

Thanks for listening. I love you all.

And yes, finally, I love.. myself.

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