Saturday, October 07, 2006

18th May 2006. More on working through my shit!

Again with keeping it as was written.

***

Well, a lot of the stuff she does talk about in the first half of the book is sexual abuse. . . but not just the physical kind. There's the mental kind, the invisible kind, and the unintentional kind.

Pretty powerful stuff when you realise that one of the main reasons you're fat is because you're afraid of attention from men... unsolicited attention. And it's all been brought about by early puberty and being well endowed, fit, muscular and curvy with long, glorious hair at the age of 14 or so but despite this physical deliciousness being mentally not ready to deal with the complimentary, and well intentioned not sleazy, remarks or wolf whistles that males will invariably offer in response to such a creature. Not only this but feeling betrayed by your body's blossoming in that you were suddenly too 'fat' to be a gymnast anymore.

Wow.

And yet another powerful thing to realise that yes you do resent your husband for making you realise that you can't afford a dog even though you desperately want one, and despite this resentment you continue being a team player, because adults do the rational thing, and go along with it and don't mention how horribly lonely you are and that a dog would help matters greatly. Even more powerful to realise that what you're feeling is perfectly normal, but you've been bought up not to express it.

Or that you're extremely angry with yourself for becoming a little scaredy cat who hides in the house every day rather than being the strong adventurous woman you know you really are and going out and about.

Or that you desperately want kids, but are petrified of doing it without friends or family around like you'd assumed you'd have when you grew up and got married. So you keep yourself extremely fat so that 'gosh darn it we can't have kids yet' and don't have to confront your fear.

Or that you didn't really realise the extent to which you were denying the affect your last two jobs have had on your self confidence and work confidence.

or how guilty you're feeling about living your dream job as an author when you feel you should be out with a 'real' job because your mum and Nan always worked away from home. And how much you resent feeling that way when writing is a real job, and bloody long hours of hard work.


What bought all these realisations on?
Reading the book.
Despite her talking a lot about sexual kinds of abuse, the one thing she's always asking you to think about, and then helps you with how to work through is WHY ARE YOU EATING THE WAY YOU DO?

also

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU DON'T DESERVE A FIT AND HEALTHY BODY THAT KNOWS THE JOY OF REGULAR EXERCISE?
WHY DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS?

I remember stuffing a bowl of noodles in my tummy today that I didn't really want. Upon analysing it, it was because I realised that I was scared to be progressing so well on my stories lately and I was afraid I might actually be good at it, so I ran away and hid. And I've lost a lb and a half since sunday.. ooh scary!

She also explains about plateaus in one vividly moving section. Why do we plateau? Because we feel safe at that particular weight. We can't visualise ourselves lower than that weight and so, will always fall short of going below it.

This book is worth buying. Make sure you read the whole thing through though. Some bits that I thought wouldn't have applied to me, but I still learned things from them about myself and the way I interact with myself and others.

I called my husband in tears about the dog we don't have. It felt so good to finally tell him that I resent him because of it and how lonely i actually am. I didn't tell him in a blaming way, but in a cathartic way, so that now it's out in the open we can talk about it some more, and if we really truly can't afford a dog, we can at least look toward ways of minimising my loneliness and building up my confidence.

Another reason I give up the exercise after a few weeks, that I've come to realise since I've been reading this book, is not only the pregnancy issue, but also that i feel like what's the point? Nobody really cares if i exercise or not, hubby's at work all day. Nobody's interested in my schedule.
nuh-uh, I'd forgotten that when I was doing so well, I'd call hubby every day (and write here) as soon as I did it and get encouragement, congrats and positive feedback.. then I started to think I was being a nuisance, and stopped doing it. He actually enjoyed it, made him feel like he was part of my day, but didn't say anything when I stopped because he thought I'd think he was nagging. Buggah. LOL (and I felt like I was taking up too much of people's time here by making them think they had to respond to my exercise schedule posts. Which I shouldn't feel because that's the whole point of being here, people will support you only if THEY want to, can't make them do jackshit!)

So, yeah, I've found this book very helpful, and will continue to do so for some time now. I've got a Louise Hay workbook that I've had for years but never got around to using it. looks like now that i know what the fears and tensions are, i can now use it, and this book, to help work through them.

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