Saturday, September 23, 2006

Long time no see?

I s'pose I should let you know a little about the woman on this side of the monitor. I've been trying to come up with an introductory post for months now. But, with various family stresses last month, abruptly realising that the end date for a writing challenge I've got going with a friend actually has the deadline of 1st of October, not the 31st of October like we'd first thought, plus add in weeks of depression about my upcoming thirtieth birthday, and you end up with little inclination or brainpower leftover for writing anything other than that which I'm supposed to be writing.

Ooh lookit that! I found one I'd written weeks ago and forgotten all about. Yippee!

Now that it's posted I guess I can deal a little more with how I've been doing during the intervening time since first writing that.

I dropped from 238lbs down to 228lbs, then due to the aforementioned stresses I yo-yoed up and down between 232 and 228. I've maintained 229 for about two weeks now, and am really pleased with that. As you've seen from my past history, I've normally ballooned by a good five to ten lbs (if not more!) at the end of a depressive cycle.

Last week, I did something that I'm really looking forward to continuing. I joined up at the local pool. My first day swimming I forgot to put on sunscreen, so I spent all of last week avoiding the sunshine once more. But, I felt wonderful, I felt alive. Truly alive again! I LOVE to swim. The weekend was a lovely one full of together time with my husband, something we'd been neglecting for months. The chores had been wanting all our time, gluttonous things that they are, and like fools we'd been obliging them. Wonder why we were snippy with one another? LOL

Tuesday? Not so good.

Warning, the following contains puking!

Oh, sure at the time I had a good time. My mind was a little achy from all the writing I'd been doing lately, so I decided to have a Movie Marathon Day. Went to the video shop and returned what we'd watched on the weekend. I felt like a girly day. So I got all the really girly girly ones I'd been wanting to watch for years, you know, the ones you feel kinda guilty about liking. Some of which hubby said he did want to watch this weekend also, so some I'll be seeing again. LOL

I got some Mexican take away on the way home. A molito which I hadn't tried before (basically flat soft taco, fillings, then other flat soft taco sandwiched on top.) and some vegetarian nachos. Loved it!

Over the course of the rest of the day I had movie-type snacks. Popcorn, rootbeer and mini-chocolates.

Now.. bed time came, and I felt kinda OK, but definitely heavy in the middle. I turned down a delightful offer from hubby, because of how I was feeling. The brain was interested, but the body had it's own shit to deal with.

I woke up at 4am-ish coughing and spluttering. Oh god the acid reflux. It had never been this bad before. I shoved celery in my mouth as fast as I could. I didn't even take time to go to the sink and wash it. just brushed the dirt off and ate around the bits that were stuck good.
That cooled the fires enough so that I could put on my dressing gown/housecoat and head on out into the shared part to use the bathroom. Finished my business, praying fervently that I wouldn't need to puke, washed my hands... and then had to kneel.

Ralph, Huey, I called on both of them. Even god answered the great white telephone and told me to keep driving the bus... so I did.

Do any of you know what the more Asian types of ramen/noodle soup flavour packets look like? The ones that have the flavouring oils in as well as the dried veggies/powder? Well if you do then you know what my first two heaves looked like. Oil. Straight oil came out and floated on the surface of the toilet. "Ooh, look at that. How odd!" said my brain before I really got the business underway.

Now, I'm a champion puker, I puked a hell of a lot as a kid. What does it tell you that my mother would lay a towel on the ground before feeding me, feed me, then sit me up and aim and just wait for it? (yes I was allergic to the formula but the stupid nurse wouldn't listen. It fucked me up for many years. Sensitive digestion still lingers today because of it.) Up until about the age of 16 when my adult digestion settled in and i puked a whole lot less, I puked on average at least once a week, maybe more. (It probably helped that I stopped eating McDonald's, which I'm allergic to.)

So keeping that fact in mind, 'Kada is a champion puker', when I say this was the worst puke EVER, you'll know that's a pretty big statement. MY god, I've never had it burn that much. Puking straight vinegar mixed with habanero chillies couldn't have burnt as badly as this. And I thought I'd never stop.

It wasn't until I was done, cleaned up and back in bed munching on more celery that I realised the full extent of my idiocy. And the full strength of the epiphany. I swore up, down, left and right while it was happening that I'd never ever do anything like this ever again.

I even swore out loud to my husband and the universe that, unless there is medical reasons for it like pregnancy, I will NEVER binge again.

Any of those meals on their own would have been fine.

toasted ham and full fat cheese sandwiches for breakfast.

carnitas molito and vegetarian nachos for lunch (including fresh fried tortilla/corn chips, guacamole, full fat sour cream, and a shitload of cheese.)

rootbeers, buttered popcorn, and several handfuls of chocolates over the afternoon/evening.

But, put them together all in the one day, and what we have ladies and gents is a disaster. And the reason for the disaster?

Fear? : OMG I made that pact with Kay now I really really REALLY have to lose weight or I'm in big trouble.

Defiance? : I can eat what I want until the meal planner arrives.

Depression? : Oh god I'm thirty next month and there won't be a party. And I'm missing my family and friends. Am looking forward to turning thirty very much, not being able to have the big fancy dress party I'd always planned? Not so much..

Fear? : I'm almost finished the first draft. oh shit I'm really a writer, now I have to edit and get on with getting it ready to send out to publishers.



All of the above and more I'm sure. No more! For the first time I was able to visualise that bitch demon who's been controlling me for so long. I actually saw me slam her into a cage and turn the key.
I didn't imagine it was made of metal.. well I started to, titanium bars, lock, chains everything. Then I locked her in surrounded by something much harder, much better at keeping her contained.

She's in a cage built of Confidence. Self-Confidence.

Take THAT, Beeyatch!

So, yeah. I'm ready to continue along my journey to a healthy me. :)

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