Saturday, October 11, 2014

Something made me ravenous.

Free from thoughts blurted out onto the screen. Will edit later.

I was very hungry yesterday afternoon

some of it comes from the exercise I've done the last few days, while eating reasonable amounts of food. I think it's my body syaing Wait what, hold your horses nellie, are we in famine mode or not?
The other part, as I discovered in bed last night, was completely emotinal.
Yesterday when I was fixing the girly's hair, I made a few frustrated grunty noises and raised my voice a bit and told her to sit still.
She got all grumpy and basically told me I sucked, in 5 yr old I don;t wanna do this speak.
I said you're so lucky. When I was a little girl my mum would have behaved very differently because she was frustrated.
What would she have done?
Well, I said, she would have done this, and I slowly, using the plait I had hold of as the handle for the motions, very gently and slowly moved her head back and forth far enough that her body moved and swayed a bit, and hissed through my teeth Will you bloody sit still or I'll give you something to cry about! And then I explained that my mum would have shook me harder and faster. Or she would have smacked me and told me to get over myself. or..and I gave several more examples.
Then, across from the dining table my Dad says, “Yes, that's how it would have happened, you're lucky your mummy is your mummy.”
And mum pipes up from across the table, in a hurt/sarcastic tone that still insisted what she did was acceptable, “And you mummy obviously still remembers it vividly.” or something along those lines.
And I'm kicking myself for what I said next, “But, mummy was also behaving a lot worse than you, crying and yelling and whining a lot.”
AS though my communicating to my mother that she was hurting me with the way she was brushing my hair was unacceptable. As though I agreed that what she did was acceptable.
Guess what, it fucking well wasn't!
So, I wasn't true to myself, I didn't honour my emotions, I lied to my daughter, and I made her think that I thought it was okay what my mummy had done to me, will she think I'd do that to her at some point, the threat of violence? All because I wanted to not hurt my mum's feelings or deal with the fall out of communicating with her further on the matter, especially in front of KW.
And my body knew before my brain and heart did that I'd done this to myself and KW. And thus I ate to avoid those feelings yesterday afternoon.
I understand being frustrated with your child to the point of wanting to do those things. I understand that I've hurt KW's feelings as well when I've yelled at her or had a tantrum too. I understand WHY my mum did it.
I'm hurt that she still can't acknowledge that it just MIGHT have been unacceptable behaviour and a bit over the top.
I'm trying to be a better person. I acknowledge when I've hurt someone. I admit I've done the wrong thing. I explain to Kw that my emotions were so big I didn't know what to do with them other than have a tantrum. It doesn't always help the person I've hurt to recover from that hurt. But, sometiems, it does. Denying I've done any wrong and implying it's their fault because fo their behaviour..the good old two wrongs make it right crap...that creates more hurt.

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Thursday, October 09, 2014

Still Learning!

Turns out I over did the time at the zoo earlier in September. No, rephrasing that, I expended too much energy at the zoo. I didn't rest enough. I walked too fast. I forgot that I'm a disabled person. I had a LOT of fun though! But, I triggered a relapse. Thankfully, it was a mild one. I have pins and needles in my arms and legs that come and go now. My Neuro wasn't happy with how much MS activity I've had this year, so I'm waiting to hear back when they can fit me in for a full spinal MRI as well as my annual brain one. SO not looking forward to THAT!

On the positive side, I learned a lot from that trip to the zoo. So much that when I went to the Aquarium a couple of weeks ago, and the Werribee Open Range Zoo this week, I took a walker with me. It used to be my nanna's, before she transitioned to a wheelchair, but it's now mine. I can lean on it when I need to, so I'm not fighting to hold my upper body upright while walking on uneven ground. I can sit on it whenever I feel the need. I even use it to carry my handbag/backpack and drink bottle. Alaskaboy even pushed me up the steep ramps on it, rather than head a long way back around to certain elevators.

It's a little depressing to think of how I walked 10km the other year, but a least I'm living in the now. Working with what my body will let me do and learning to respect it and embrace what I still CAN do. SO, I'm thinking thre'll be more walks in my future. I'd been dreading the increase in the heat, but I reckon, as long as I don't overdo it, the walker will help me increase my activity level, and allow me to sit on something in the shade along the way.

Kiddlywink also loves going along for a ride on it too. She'd missed going out with my nanna on it, now we can all go. Someone pushing Nan, me using the walker and all enjoy the lovely walk.

I've even learned more about food and my body, but that's for another post. :)

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Monday, September 01, 2014

L Plates!

I feel like a learner driver. I really have no idea how to eat like a normal person. As a child and teenager I was a competitive athlete so that always made for bigger meals than other kids my age. No way to gauge what is a normal portion, for me, anyway. I know how much my sister-in-law eats, but she's very petite and weighs about 45-50kgs...so again no comparison. Kiddlywink eats intuitively, we've made sure to teach her that. Her appetite ebbs and flows and I'm learning from that how some days I'll be hungrier than others and less so other days too.

Last night, I was really struggling with appetite. I'd eaten delicious meals that used up all my points, but within two hours of eating dinner I felt hollow. That kind of light hollow feeling when I've been out in cold weather all day and want something warm and comforting in my belly. But we'd been out in the sun, had a picnic, gone shopping and had a delightfully warm last day of winter. Sure the wind had been a little chilly at times, but we'd dressed appropriately.

But there I was, still feeling hollow.

Next thing I know Alaskaboy is rummaging in the pantry. I'd eaten a banana five minutes before and it had instantly vaporised, leaving my stomach feeling even more hollow. The herbal tea went the same way. Then he articulated exactly what I was feeling. "I've had cheese and crackers, and now I want nuts and seeds, but I really want to devour the bacon that's leftover from breakfast in the fridge." I waited a few more minutes, because men often have bigger appetites than women, but the hollow feeling got worse. Then I began to feel yuck.

I looked back over my tracker, and sure enough, I hadn't eaten much protein. And no green smoothy for afternoon tea, even though I'd had eaten my fruit and salad with various meals, rather than drinking them. I hadn't eaten the nuts though.

I ended up eating three full rashers of bacon, a little piece of steak, and finally a hot chocolate, when that didn't settle my tummy. (I waited many minutes in between each snack to make sure I was still hungry before eating the next thing.)

Then of course the binge-eater in me wanted to keep going: cheese and crackers, noodles, nuts, the rest of the bacon, but I hung on and kept reminding myself to feel what my tummy was saying, Warm. Comfy. Had Enough. Satisfied.

SO, now I've learned that,  FOR ME, three hours sleep lacking plus a day in the fresh air equals Hunger. True hunger and next time I'll make sure to space my protein across the day and allow a bit more of that than the carbs that I seemed to want during the day. Combine the slow burn of protein with the quicker energy of complex carbs to satisfy my body. And have some warm 0 point soup for in between, help remind the tummy it's full.

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Sunday, August 31, 2014

I see it, but I doooon't believe it!

I see it, but I haaaaardly believe it!
This Kit Kat is still sitting on our chest of drawers.


Alaskaboy bought me two of them on Monday.
This week I had PMS.
One of them is still. sitting. on. my. chest. of. drawers!

And most important, it wasn't even difficult. Even when he handed them to me, I said, "I'll put this up here for later in the week." I ate one when I wanted, and then didn't even think about the second one until today, then I realised what I'd done!

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Squashed!

I had a reaction to my injection last night, it doesn't happen often, but when it does it feels very unpleasant. (Basically meds end up in the vascular system accidentally, rather than subcut where it's supposed to go.) My body, after it finishes have the symptomatic response to the meds rushing around my body, goes into a very mild case of shock. This is the first time in a week where I could NOT apply the mind over matter principle. I had to eat what my body was insisting I have. First up a few chocolate malt balls. Then a chicken and mayo sandwich. And finally a cup of tea with sugar and milk. (I did NOT go back and polish off the plate of chicken which my tastebuds so desperately wanted, nor eat more bread or chocolate or cheese or...which considering it's a PMS week? Score!)

After that I continued to follow the usual pattern, my body said," oh I'm safe again... ZZZZZZZ" and I conked out in the armchair. I slept heavily for about an hour, with one or two, "huh I'm asleep, I wanna go to bed" murmurs before waking fully. Knowing I hadn't eaten that much before bedtime in a week, and the usual consequences if I went to bed too soon, I sat up and watched one of those Seconds! From! Disaster! shows that, while interesting in their own right, have way too much filler material packed into the show to make it truly enjoyable to watch. (Air Crash Investigations is my junk tv fairy floss treat.)

I woke up at some hour during the night feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Before, all I could ever identify was TOO! FULL! AND! UNCOMFORTABLE! Last night, because it was no longer normal to go to bed like that, I could feel my actual stomach distended painfully from the fluid and food busily digesting in there, and all my other organs grumpy about being pushed outta the way while they were trying to do THEIR jobs.

Uncomfortable but educational. Learning stuff left, right and centre without food blocking my view any more.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Learn Something From Nothing, You Will. Hmmmm!

Whenever Alaskaboy and I talk about his job, we end up in an argument. Every. Single. Time. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes the argument can be something as simple as short terse words snapped at each other to end the conversation. Other times it's a full on blow up raging "Discussion" that seemingly lasts for drawn out amounts of eternity!

Six days ago I made the decision to no longer binge, on anything. Because my life was a bit like a trip into the Dark Side, to paraphrase the sagacious one, Yoda, "Healthy Diet leads to Emotions. Emotions lead to Anxiety. Anxiety leads to BINGING!" So, I've started colouring in little rectangles on a piece of paper again, like when I was successfully counting gym attendance. Weight watchers was working a treat...until the cycle continued. I wouldn't binge on food, I'd binge on t.v./movies, books, the internet, etc. My sleep cycle would get all out of whack and then I'd start eating to compensate for the lack of energy and eventually it became a free for all that Nero would have been proud to witness.

It's been six days since I've binged on anything at all. And oh my god, do I have time to DO things! And energy to do stuff! My sleep hasn't improved any, thanks to good ol' sleep apnea, but everything else has improved. My relationships, energy levels, and duh..duh.. DUHHH! My self awareness.

By filling my empty spaces with nothing rather than everything and anything, I learned something.

Two days into my binge free life, I had a clanger of an argument with Alaskaboy. Literally two days. I started on the 20th and the evening of the 21st we were into this huge fight about his work. There are issues of his own that contribute to these arguments, but I can only help the army that's fighting my battles, and oh how I believed my cause to be Just. Not only was I fighting for the Virtue of My One True Love's Happiness, but I was Righteous in my Wrath about his inability to See the Light of Truth that beamed forth from my army's glorious massiveness. So deep was my belief in myself and my cause that I accused him of everything Believers accuse Non-Believers of then I erected the truce flag bearing the universal signal I'm Sick Of This Shit and You're Nothing But An Idiot: aka a giant raspberry giving every one two middle finger salutes, thus leaving the battlefield a smoking hell hole in the midst of our marriage.

About twenty minutes later, as I sat out in the loungeroom, fuming, I looked up to realise there was a  creature dancing the electric boogaloo on that smoking minefield. No, Low Self Esteem Demon was vanquished long ago, this was a a breed of creature I was unable to recognise, because as far as I knew, I'd never been subjected to its rule before.

Sure I'd felt envy of friends who achieved great things, or jealous in a friendly or joking way, but that was mostly tinged with happiness for them and their efforts. I' been paranoid that my teenage Great Love Affair had been cheating on me and jealous of any female he looked at, and rightly so as it turned, but even that paled in comparison to what I realised I now had to contend with.

She was horrid, her great green eyes blazed forth across the battlefield, claws bloody red, gobbets of saliva dripping from her putrescent maw as she slavered over the feast I'd just provided her. Sickly pale hair hung in greasy hanks from rent patches in her hide which was the colour of pus. Then her green green gaze focused on my eyes, and bathed my world in a brighter green than any that ever shone forth from any Lantern's ring. By this alone I suddenly knew her name: Jealousy. And that Green Glow highlighted All That Was Wrong and made me offer humble apology to my husband because it was my jealousy at his ability to work at any job he chose that was causing ym frustration with his inability to leave the rut he'd dug himself and choose a career that would bring him all the joy that I'd been Righteously demanding he achieve. Because he is so very unaware at how much he takes for granted that he has the ability to do that. I would give so very much to be Able, not Disabled.

My Green-Eyed Jealousy Monster lives on, but I am aware of her now, and I must seek a way to vanquish the actual foe, and conversations with my husband can now focus on what's really making me angry, instead of it being All His Fault.

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Sunday, June 22, 2014

It really is a journey.

Every step I take down the "diet" highway is a step I'm taking towards self knowledge. Everything I've tried so far has taught me something about myself, my relationships with others and about how me and food get along. I don't look at any step so far as a failure. I look at it as slow increase in knowledge. Just like an author writes drafts or a scientists does experiments..negative results are still information, still a result. Still progress. I still know more about msyelf than I did before.

My latest step is Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers: Joined online date 7th June, first meeting 11th june, 1st real weigh in 18th june: weight loss 200g/ half a lb.

Thoughts: Skim milk gives me heart burn. full cream milk too creamy. 2% milk better, 1% is best but can't get in uht form any more. I look at it like a glass of wine, people who love wine budget for it within their daily/weekly allowances, I allow for real butter and 2% milk and full fat greek yoghurt, because that's what my body likes at the moment.

First week showed me VERY clearly how much I binge of a night. It also taught me that sticking too closely to the points system, without balancing my meals (aka binging at night, whether it's on zero points food or not) means a great weight loss, but feeling sick, head spins, and iron depletion by mid week. So I ate the meat my body was craving for (Turns out the quarter pounder with cheese and fries was exactly what my energy depleted body was craving. and then steak for the next three nights running lol)

Second week taught me I binge because I wasn't eating a balanced breakfast. Most mornings I wouldn't eat enough, and then other mornings I'd eat way too much. My body likes a slice of toast, a bowl of cereal, some fruit or veg, and a protein. I mean REALLY likes it. I feel full and satisfied for ages. My current favourite cereals are all bran, berry weetbix bites and Heart 1st. (The first you never used to be able to get me to touch with a 50ft pole! Slowing down and chewing my food a minimum of 20 times has allowed me to appreciate the sweetness inherent in the bran.)

I like balanced meals in general, all too often I would go in binge cycles, a lot of meat this day, a lot of carbs this day, cheese, sweet stuff etc. By structuring my meals a little...but still within the intuitive appetites, my energy levels are more consistent throughout the day. I'm ready for bed at a decent hour and waking up at 7am. Wow. Sleep apnea still plays a part, but my body isn't also struggling to digest the mountain of food I used to eat in the few hours before bedtime, so I think that's helping.

This third week has made me realise that there's a really good chance that I will be able to stick it out using this method. Counting calories didn't really work for me because I'd become obsessed with the numbers. WHether it was making sure I got as close to the daily total, or feeling down because I went over the total, or trying to justifying juggling the numbers at the end of the week/month to make them fit somehow.

The advantage with the points system at WW is that I'm finding I'm reaching more for fruit and veggies, because they're 0 points. I don't have to count them, only add them, nor do I have to think about it. If I'm hungry I'll reach more for a piece of fruit or a vegetable as a snack now because I know that it's 0 points. I reckon that first week I ate my body weight in pumpkin and bananas. LOL I now bulk out my meals with salad and when I say salad I mean ALLL the veggies my god I never knew salads could be so filling, soup, fruit, etc. I'm also finding that because of my increase in fruits and veg, my skin feels better, I'm more refreshed, even though I'm still sleeping for shit. I actually had the energy to cook up a heap of dishes for midweek dinners yesterday, AND hang out washing on the line! OMG! I CAN NOT remember the last time that all happened in the one day. Well, I'm sure it was sometime last year anyway.

Week three also taught me that I don't like the WW snacks. I bought two different kinds, a fruit muesli cookie and a mint toffee bar. They tasted fine, but for the 2 points per bar there are SO many things that I could eat that would satisfy me for longer. And when I do want an indulgence, I'd rather budget the points and have the traditional version of something, than the low fat version, and thoroughly enjoy it. Real food with real flavour without all those emulsifiers and fake ingredients. YUM! I can see how they work though for other people, especially if they're on the run and don't have time to make their own biscuits, or do really like the light flavour. I remember when I DID used to love the low fat snacks, my body has simply changed it's mind on what it wants put in its mouth in regards to sweet indulgences. Chips on the other hand, the more chemical numbers and powdered food like substances the better. LOL

I'm even eating better quality meats now. Less easy sausages and quick convenience frozen fish etc. Roast topside, mince, chicken breasts, even offal again because they're rich in nutrients but lower in points. Definitely eating much better proportions of carbs than I ever have.

I'm not too keen on having to weigh in every week, so I'm kinda just using that as an information plot point. I'll be looking at all the other indicators I would normally use to judge success, fit of clothes, energy levels, etc.

So all in all a good start to the next step in learning about how to eat better for me and my health.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Stuck

Exercise, I ADORE IT! My body however does NOT like to exercise the way a normal person does. It's been a painful realisation these last few months that trying to exercise ot lose weight like a normal person is NOT for me. All those times over the years I've felt fabulous and enjoyed my exercise challenges nad moved forward with my fitness..all I was doing was causing exercise-induced relapses. Stress, even the kickarse endorphin high kind, is still stress.  And my body does NOT handle stress well at all.
I've been REALLY angry sicne my latest relapse in February. I'm still angry. frightened, Miserabe. Sad. Not only does my body not work right but now my cognitive functions aren't woking right either. I always thought it was because my brain goes too fast for my fingers to keep up that I've typed the word the as teh for so many years. Not, it was the mildest form of cognitive disfunctiont hat Ms was giving me. Now it's much more obvious, as you;d see if I left this pos completely unspell checked. (Actually I think I will leave it unspellchecked)
I feel like this disease is slowly stealing away who I am.
I love words. I love exercise. I love cooking. Heck, I even have come to realise I like living in a tody house. All thes thing sI've berated myself for over the eyars haven't been my fault. It's this invisible insidious disease that steals my energy nad makes me feel like a failure.
Which I find even more heartbreaking because it;s not something I CAN change, No amount of exerise or diet or motivation will change the fact that my body is eating itself alive. ANd I fucking hate that. I'm a fixer. a solver I'm fucking fantastic at solving problems. And this isn;t a proble I can solve.
I feel alive when I am exercising when I'm builiding muscle eating right and being the healthy person I am on the inside. It's a sick fucking joke that what I love to do, the way I love to do it, is not conducive to good health for me.
It's a sick joke that my tongue curls now and I cannot use my sleep apnea mouthguard anymore. My fatigue has triple as a result. MS fatigue plus Sleepapnea fatigue equals my body constantly feeling like I've just gotten out of the dead sea and back onto dry land..or I'm in a space ship whose grav controls have gone all wacky and turned it up to 2G.
I'm constabtly tied. and angry and whiny. Being my normal self takes effort. constant hard effort.
I'm worried that having a lovely weekend this weekend could have trigered another elapse for fucks sake.
My eyes dont work right os I can't even enjoy books, I can't write as wellas I used ot EVERYthing takes so much more effort. It's debilitating and depressing.
BUt, I have to start blogging again, it's the only way I'm going to work through this mire of shit that my feelings have become. I have to admit how shit I feel so I know how long a rope I have to use to pull myself out ot if.
So, expect some rnty angry sad posts for a bit.
Off ot blubber now for a bit, getting this out has triggered the sads/ Good right? At least it's lancing now and not festering anymore,

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